You Sick Sick Ring!

Title: You Sick, Sick Ring!
Author: Anu (anubeta@lycos.com)
Rating: R
Summary: The Ring has a very sick mind, indeed.

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It is the council of Elrond. All present are somber and contemplative as Frodo brings forth the ring.

Sitting in the middle of the dais engraved with the star of Feanor, the Ring smirks.

The Ring has a look around.
/Furry hobbit, no good. Always smells like cheese. Better than fish, but still. Let's see what we have here./
The Ring sees Boromir.
/Oh hello, gorgeous. What lovely eyes you have! Would you like to keep me?/

Elrond interrupts, droning on and on about Fate and Doom. Ring looks at him a moment.
/You're not my type, really, a bit on good side, but certainly better than the hobbit. How come I didn't ditch Isildur for you? You have a much nicer ass under those robes. The one eye pierces clothing too, and boy am I ever glad. Are you seeing this, Sauron?/

Sauron: Yes. Look at the elves. I hear they're spicy.
Ring: Not too much spice, I hope, crisy elves aren't to my tastes.
Sauron: Shut up. You think too much.
Ring: This from the eyeball.

Ring obediently looks at the elves. /Mirkwood Elves, Haven Elves, and Imladris elves. They all look alike, which is actually rather funny looking. Ooh, that one's pretty. I'll talk to him./

Ring: Glorfindel...
Glorfindel: Not now Elrond, you kinky noldor, wait until the council's over, at least!
Ring: Hmm. Talk dirty to me, baby.
Glorfindel: I wanna bend you over that stone table right there and! ...mmmmm Elrond...
Ring: Heh heh heh. I didn't know you had a thing going with Elrond.
Glorfindel: What the? Elrond? Who is this? It had *better* not be Celeborn or Galadriel again!
Ring: Chill, elf. The elf beside you has noticed your hard-on. Move your arm so he doesn't drool on your sleeve.
Glorfindel: Uh, thanks. Wait...are you that blasted ring?
Ring: Why, yes I am.
Glorfindel: You little bastard! I hope they toss you in Mount Doom.
Ring: They probably will, but you mouth is far hotter. Talk dirty to me again?
Glorfindel: Piss off, you perverted bit of jewelry.

The Ring is offended. He decides not to mess with Glorfindel, because he suddenly has a suspiscion about how Glorfindel got such a hot, dirty mouth, and the Ring suspects it may have something to do with that Balrog.

The Ring hears Sauron snicker. /I doubt *you* could do any better./ The Ring announces with a ring-equivalent of a flounce. Sauron rolls his eye.

The ring selects another prime specimen of elf.

Ring: Legolas...
Legolas: ...
Ring: Legolas?
Legolas: ...
Ring: HEL. LO. LE. GO. LAS!
Legolas: Ahh! Ada?
Ring: Hello lucious ass.
Legolas: Actually, it's Legolas. How did you get in my head? You scared me.
Ring: Oop, my bad Lucious Ass.
Legolas: I can nail exactly twelve arrowheads into the average man's scrotum from a shooting distance of 100 feet. Leave me alone.
Ring: I don't have a scrotum.
Legolas: Ouch. what happened to it? You don't sound female.

Sauron begins chuckling at an inoppourtune moment, and the Ring wishes he could kick him to shut him up, but being a ring, he has no legs.

Ring: I have no sex.

To clarify, he adds;

Ring: At all.
Legolas: Freak!
Ring: I am *so* impressed by your name calling. Did the twins teach you how to pick your nose too?
Legolas: How do you know they taught me things?
Ring: I know how Elladan taught you to-
Legolas: SHUT UP!

The elf was getting really stressed. The Ring moved on. Mithrandir looked promising.

Ring: Gandalf...
Gandalf: Sod off, you.

The Ring didn't have to be told twice.

Elrond is still talking. The Ring takes a moment to pity Vilya. Vilya sticks his tounge out at him. /Snotty Elf-Ring./ The Ring says to himself.

He selects another object of torment, this time a short, squat dwarf with terrible B.O. that makes the elf next to him feel ill.

Ring: Hey dwarf.
Gimli: Fucking elves...
Ring: Dwarf!
Gimli: What?

He sounded peeved. The Ring decided to have some fun.

Ring: Ever notice how you're crotch high to all these elves? I bet you like it, don't you?
Gimli: Are you the Ring, or Elrond?
Ring: Elrond.
Gimli: No you're not.
Ring: Yes I am.
Gimli: No.
Ring: Yes.
Gimli: No.
Ring: Yes.
Gimli: Yes.
Ring: No.
Gimli: Hah! Gotcha!
Ring: Well...you admitted it first!
Gimli: Did not!
Ring: Did too!
Gimli: Ah well, fuck you.

The Ring became smug. He began to speak to the dwarf again, but the dwarf was rushing toward him. Eye wide, Sauron fled. Gimli brought his axe down over the Ring, shattering it to bits and landing back on his round little arse. An elf snickered, and recieved a glare from Elrond.

Elrond began lecturing again. The Ring moped over it's new headache. /Thanks for sticking around, Sauron./

Sauron: No problem.

And the Ring thought: /Bastard./

The council lumbered on. Elrond still did not shut up. The Ring selected another target.

Ring: Hey Sugah.
Aragorn: Arwen?
Ring: Yes baby.
Aragorn: I'm kind of busy right now.
Ring: FINE! BE THAT WAY!

Ring smirks to itself at its impersonation of the snotty elven bird. Isildur's hier and Elrond's daughter - a pair! How could Elrond have let it happen? It was *so* wrong on *so* many levels.

Sauron began laughing. /What?/ The Ring demanded.

Sauron: The dwarf...it's...

Only laughter could be heard. The Ring waited.

Sauron: It's attracted to Elrond!

Now that really *was* funny. The Ring also began to laugh.

The Council erupted in dissent and argument at the dwarf's next outburst. Sauron and his Ring remained amused by harassing the twin sons of Elrond, who cursed in dual audio at the Ring.

Suddenly, o spo spoke up.

Frodo: "I will take the Ring to Mordor, though I do not know the way."

The Ring mocked him in a nasty voice. Sauron rolled his eye.

Sauron: I'm *so* scared, I think I shat myself!

The Ring paused to think on that. /Um, Sauron, in case it had escaped your notice...there's no way you *could* have shat yourself./

Sauron: It's the thought that counts.

/Ah. Yes. I don't get it./ The Ring changed the subject, and began pleading with the Ring-bearer.

Ring: Oh Frodo, please don't take me away form allthe lovely elves! I rather like that nice Boromir chap, such a lovely fellow. Why not give me to him?
Frodo: No. Shut up.
Ring: I don't like you. You're not as nice as Bilbo.
Frodo: So?
Ring: You don't keep me in your pants pockets like he did. It was rather comforting.

There was silence a moment before Frodo spoke, as he was focusing on not throwing up.

Frodo: You're a sick, sick Ring!

The Ring preened.

Ring: Yes, I know.

/Very sick indeed./ Added Sauron. The Ring flicked him off. Sauron returned the favor, despite the fact that such was impossible for either of them.

After all, it's the thought that counts.