Is He or Isn't He?

Title: Is He or Isn't He?

Pairings: Orlando Bloom/Elijah Wood, Orlando Bloom/Viggo Mortensen

Rating: Overall: NC-17. This chapter: R for language and one m/m kiss.

Summary: Is Orlando bisexual? Billy, Dom, and Elijah make a wager.

Archive: It would be an honour, but please ask.

Beta: Nope.

Notes: To my knowledge, none of the events described in this *fiction* ever happened. That is why it is called fiction. I do not know any of these people personally (much to my chagrin), and therefore cannot make factual statements regarding any of their respective sexual orientations. There is no intent to cause harm to any person or make a profit from this writing.

Thoughts are in --...--, and emphases are written as *"¦*.
Feedback and CONSTRUCTIVE criticism are always welcome at: limey_sugar@yahoo.co.uk

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Chapter One: The Wager.


"Is he or isn't he?" Elijah asked between draughts of beer. In all the nights he'd been hanging around with his fellow Hobbits, he still had not grown accustomed to drinking warm beer. Sean Astin, as usual, was at home with his wife and daughter.

"Oh, I dunno, mate. Ya interested?" Dom flashed a grin from the other side of the card table.

"Why don't ya plant a big wet one on the old boy and see what happens?"

"Billy, I didn't understand a damn thing you just said! Talk slower." Elijah had a hard enough time understanding Billy's accent when he was sober, and being nearly drunk made it all the more difficult. He had heard "Why doont ya planh a big . . . something, something . . . whaapns."

"He said," Dom laughed, "kiss him and see what he does."

"Why should I be the one to do it? I'm not gay you know." Actually, the thought *had* crossed his mind more than once, although he was loath to admit it to these wankers. As much as he'd come to love them over the months, there were some things better kept to oneself.

"Well, out of all of us, *you* seem to be the most interested." Billy leaned against the back of his chair. "Or, ya could just ask 'im."

Oh yeah, Pip. I'm just gonna say, "Hey Orli, I was wondering, do you like to take it up the arse?" Makeup would pitch a fit if they had to cover up my two black eyes!"

"Lij, subtlety is key in an endeavour such as this."

Billy had gotten up from the table and gone into the kitchen. Elijah heard him talking, but couldn't make out the words. When he came back into the lounge with a huge cat-that-ate-the-canary grin on his face, Elijah suddenly realised with whom he'd been speaking.

"We got a fourth for poker, mates. Orli's on 'is way."

Elijah groaned. This was fucking wonderful. He wondered how much Billy had told Orlando on the phone. It would not be good if Orli knew his cast mates were debating his ambiguous sexuality over a game of poker.

"Well then, why don't we make this interesting?? It was Dom's turn to grin. "I say Orli doesn't let Lij near him."

"Alright, I'll take ya up on that. What's the prize?"

"Loser does the winner's wash for a month."

"Guys, come on! There's no way in Hell I'm kissing Orli! I'm not gay!"

"Methinks thou dost protest too much, little Hobbit. Besides, if you do it, the loser can do your wash for a month as well." Billy still had that evil look in his eye. He was enjoying this too much. He sussed that Orli would do more than *let* Elijah kiss him, he'd likely try and make the most of the experience. "Come on, mate, for the Shire!"

"Ugh, alright. For the Shire. But just *once*." Elijah grinned to himself.

The three were working out the details of the wager when there was a knock at the door. Orli. Elijah's stomach began to knot up. He was suddenly very nervous to see his friend.

"Hey," Orlando said as he walked into the lounge. He was wearing a t-shirt and jeans, and a hat to cover that ridiculous mohawk. Elijah swore he saw him wink at him, but decided that it was just a nervous hallucination.

"Shall we play then? Orli, since you just got here, you can deal." Dom handed the pack of cards to Orlando, who had seated himself next to Elijah. Had Orli possessed any of the traits that his Elven alter-ego did, he would surely have heard Elijah's heartbeat quicken.

Elijah wasn't the only nervous person at the table. Billy had told Orlando some of what they had been discussing, and now Orli was dealing with his own butterfly infestation. The fact that Elijah had wondered about his sexual preferences flattered him, as he had wondered the same thing about his young American co-star. He had caught himself gazing into wide blue eyes more often than he could count, imagining what it would be likesee see those eyes darkened with passion as Orlando did rather naughty things to their owner. The sheer thought that perhaps Elijah shared those thoughts nearly sent Orlando over the moon. Of course, he didn't know if that was the case; all Billy had said was that Lij had been curious. It didn't mean he wanted him. It could mean that he would now steer clear of him, and *that* was the cause of his butterflies. Orli didn't want to make the boy uncomfortable and lose a good mate.

"Right. Um, what's wild?" Orli shifted in his chair to hide his sudden erection. If he was going to make it through the night, he'd have to stop thinking about the things he'd like to be doing to Elijah on the card table.

"Nothin'. No wild cards. Make it hard." Billy's pun was very much intended, and he cast a glance over to Dom. "I'm gonna get another beer. Anyone else?"

"Yeah, one for me mate," Orlando answered, "and one more for Lij. He's almost out."

"You got any *cold*? I can't stand that warm shit you people drink."

"Ugh! Cold beer. "˜S almost as bad as cold tea, eh, Billy?" Dom grinned at Elijah as Billy handed him a bottle. "Bloody Yanks and their iced beverages."

"'Bloody Yanks and their iced beverages,'" Elijah mocked, nearly perfectly duplicating Dom's accent. "I supposed *you* drink your hot chocolate cold."

"Shut up Lij." Orlando took his hat off, swatted Elijah on the head with it, and put it back on. "You're outnumbered here. Be a good lad and drink up."

* * * *

After a few hands of poker and a few more beers, Orlando and Elijah both began to relax. Elijah figured that whatever happened that night could later be chalked up to having drunk too much, and would be forgotten. He decided to go for it and kiss Orlando. So much for Dom and his subtlety.

Billy and Dom sat in amazement as their fellow Hobbit turned to Orlando, placed his hand on the back of Orlando's head, and pulled him in for a kissm wam was even more so when Orlando took his hat off and brought Elijah closer to him, tilted his head, and deepened the kiss.

"I'm not doing your sodding laundry," Dom said to Billy under his breath, never taking his eyes off Orlando and Elijah. There was something oddly erotic about the situation.

No one was more surprised, of course, than Elijah himself. He pulled away from Orlando and just sat there looking at him, blue eyes wide in disbelief at what had just happened. He'd never *really* expected Orli to kiss him back. Before his brain could stop his mouth he said, "Well, Dom, looks like Billy-boy wins. Laundry for a month."

"What?" Orlando spun in his chair to look Billy in the eye. He wasn't too drunk to realise that he'd been the subject of a wager. "You invited me "˜round to play games with me? I thought we were mates!" He grabbed his hat and went out the door.

"Orli, wait!" Elijah stood to try and catch his friend, but all he got was an obscene hand gesture as Orlando got in his car.


To be continued . . .