My Heart's Desire - Part 2. If You Go Away.

Rating: NC-17 (overall)
Warnings: Slash. Fat angst warning!!
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters. I promise to give them back as soon as the story is over.
Beta: Laurelin (Thank you, sweetie, you are the best!)
As always, my heartfelt thanks to Orchyd Costine for the elven names and translations.
Summary: Sometimes to find love is easier than to keep it safe.


If you go away on this summer day
then you might as well take the sun away;
all the birds that flew in the summer sky,
when our love was new and our hearts were high.
If you go away, as I know you will,
you must tell the world to stop turning till
you return again, if you ever do,
for what good is love without loving you.
Can I tell you now, as you turn to go,
I’ll be dying slowly till the next hello.

But if you go, go, I won’t cry,
Though the good is gone, from the word ‘good bye’.
Please don’t go away.
/Jacques Brel./

Chapter 1. Sunshine And Clouds.

Oh, that was a wonderful time! Almost the best time in my life. Our love was new, the sky above our heads was cloudless and I allowed myself to believe that all my trials and misfortunes were finally left behind. When now I look back at that time, I can see the folly of my hopes. Back then we lived a world of our own, which we created just for the two of us, shutting out the rest of the universe. Haldir had all the right to be naïve and carefree, he was so very young then. But I… I should have known that life is never sunshine and roses for long. Ah, but I was swept off my feet. I was intoxicated by my love and by the love I saw in Haldir’s eyes. Yes, those were happy days…

* * *

Glorfindel rode ahead of Gildor and Haldir, giving them some privacy and doing the greater part of watching out for any possible danger. Though he knew that Gildor, too, was vigilant, he was not sure his friend could be vigilant *enough* because everything Gildor was able to see at the moment was his new young lover.

Gildor and Haldir had not had time for talking during the two days prior to their departure. Haldir had too much to do to be able to leave so soon and for so long. And what little time they did have for themselves they spent on other things than talking.

So now, riding side by side, they were making up for it: they talked.

“I still cannot believe it’s real.” Haldir looked at Gildor and there really was wonder in his eyes. “It all happened so fast. I came to that glade doubting you would ever accept me, and the next thing I knew I was on my back on the grass.”

Gildor raised one delicately curved eyebrow. “Are you complaining?”

“Valar, no! I simply still feel a little stunned. It was like an avalanche in the mountains, sudden and impossible to resist.” Haldir shook his head.

Gildor smiled. “Actually, it was not that sudden. I was too dumb to realize it at once but I fell for you the first moment I saw you.”

“You didn’t!” Haldir looked at him in disbelief.

“I did.”

“Are you joking? You did not give me even a shortest glance at our first meeting. I thought you did not notice me.”

“Now, are *you* joking? Of course I noticed you! It was absolutely impossible not to. And believe me, I liked what I saw. A lot.” Gildor gave him an impish grin. “But even more did I like what I saw in the common bathhouse. Narmacil almost drowned me for ogling at you.”

“I know,” Haldir laughed.

“How?”

“I saw it in the Lady’s Mirror.”

“Indeed? What else did you see?”

Haldir hesitated. But he really needed to know where Gildor stood with Thranduil.

“I saw you and Thranduil. Or, rather, I saw you *with* Thranduil.”

Gildor looked at him, surprised. “Oh.” And then, as the implications sank in, “Oh!”

He wondered briefly what exactly Haldir could have seen but pushed the thought away as too disturbing.

“Haldir,” he said, “Thranduil and I are only friends.” He winced when he saw Haldir’s face. “Yes, I know how it sounds but it’s true.”

“Then you are definitely very close friends,” Haldir remarked sulkily.

“Yes, this is also true.” Gildor sighed. “I think I should explain several things about Thranduil. We are indeed close and very old friends. We first met in Lindon.”

And he told Haldir the whole story.

“Do you love him?” Haldir asked and instantly wished to kick himself for it. He did not want Gildor to know how insecure he felt. “I’m sorry. You do not have to answer.”

Gildor shook his head. “Of course I love him. He is one of my best friends. But I do not love him as a lover. And neither does he love me thus. He is bound. He loves his wife who is waiting for him in Valinor. True, we’ve been lovers for a long time, but above all we are friends.” He reached out and touched Haldir’s knee. “Please, understand, seron vel. There is no reason for jealousy.” [beloved]

Haldir nodded and tried to understand. Perhaps, it would have been easier to do if Gildor had said that he did love *him* as a lover…

They stopped for the night and Glorfindel took the first watch. He chose a place away from the fire to be able to see in the dark better. Now and again he threw occasional glances at his companions. He smiled to himself: those two were talking again. They were sitting under the tree. Haldir was leaning back against the trunk with his legs spread to accommodate Gildor. The Vanya’s back was pressed against Haldir’s broad chest comfortably; his head tilted back onto Haldir’s shoulder. One of Gildor’s forearms rested on the Galadhel’s bent knee and his other hand was drawing lazy patterns on Haldir’s thigh. Haldir’s arms were wrapped possessively around Gildor’s waist. The Marchwarden was speaking softly into Gildor’ ear and a faint smile was playing on Gildor’s lips. Then suddenly Gildor sat up and turned in his lover’s arms to look at him with open surprise on his face. Haldir laughed and nodded. Gildor shook his head in amusement and resumed his former position. Haldir kissed him on the corner of his mouth and continued talking.

It was strange for Glorfindel to see his friend behave this way. Gildor had always kept people at an arm’s length, both literally and figuratively speaking: very few were privy to his thoughts and feelings, and as for bodily contact, he always tried to reduce it to a minimum. Outside his bedroom, at any rate. Now here was the young Galadhel, trying to get his hands on Gildor as often as he could, to prove to the entire world as much as to himself that Gildor was *his*. It seemed to Glorfindel that his friend was trying on this new feeling of belonging in order to see if it would be a perfect fit or prove too tight for his liking. Knowing how badly Gildor took any infringement on his independence, Glorfindel dared no guesses on his final decision.

Next morning they resumed their travel in the same manner as the day before: Glorfindel leading the way and the couple of lovers in his wake, talking quietly between themselves.

“What was that phrase in Quenya I said to you?” Haldir asked curiously. “Why did it make you think I was your friend reborn?”

“ ‘It’s not your fault you cannot love me, song of my heart,’ ” Gildor translated. “It was the very phrase Ermenor told me when he was leaving.”

Haldir shook his head in wonder. “I still cannot understand how I could say that, and correctly too! I do not know Quenya... Tell me about Ermenor,” Haldir asked then. “Tell me about him and you.”

“I thought Galadriel had filled you in on it,” Gildor chuckled.

“She could tell me only what she knew. So, what happened after the Noldorin rebels left?”

And Gildor told him. When he finished, Haldir looked at him in sympathy. “They told you that you had to stay behind when your father and all your kin returned home?”

“Yes.”

“It must have been hard.”

“You bet.” Gildor smiled sadly. “The day their ships sailed off I wept on the shore like a small elfling lost in a dark forest.”

“But still you stayed.”

“Aye, I did.” Gildor’s look became distant as he thought about that time.

“And you say you did not love Ermenor?” Haldir looked at him in amazement.

“No. We were only friends.”

“This we-are-only-friends business of yours sounds somewhat disconcerting, you know,” Haldir complained, only partly joking. “I’m not sure we imply the same thing when we say ‘friends’.”

Gildor laughed. “Are you jealous again, Haldir? I can only repeat that you have no reason for it.”

Haldir chose to keep his thoughts to himself and they rode in silence for some time. Then he turned to Gildor again. “Tell me, can anyone in Valinor go and speak to the Valar?”

“Er… no.”

“How did you manage it then?”

Gildor chuckled. “When your grandfather is Ingwë Ingweron, it makes certain things easier. I was his youngest grandchild then and he spoiled me to no end. I asked him to speak to the Valar on my behalf. Manwë and Varda always loved my grandfather so they agreed to listen to me.”

“Were you afraid?” Haldir asked.

“No,” Gildor chuckled again. “By that moment I was past fear, I was desperate. I even told the Valar that if they refused to give Ernemor back I’d be the first elf in Valinor to die of a broken heart.”

Haldir stared at him in disbelief. “You blackmailed the Valar?”

“It surely sounds like that, doesn’t it?” Gildor laughed.

Haldir shook his head, amazed. “You are incredible.”

“Well, I told you I’m capable of anything, didn’t I?”


It was getting dark and they were about to stop for the night when Gildor suddenly called to Glorfindel. “Mallos, Arwen and her party are ahead!”

Glorfindel reined in his horse and turned to look at his friend. “Ah, then we’ll have company for the evening.”

Haldir felt a slight pang of uneasiness. Those elves would be the first elves from Imladris to learn that Haldir was Gildor’s lover now. Perhaps, he would be able to judge by their reaction what kind of welcome he was likely to get at Gildor’s home.

“Wiou sou send an alert?” Glorfindel asked.

“No.” Gildor grinned. “I think we’ll go and check how much they enjoyed our long absence.”

Glorfindel laughed. “Right.”

They got down from their horses. Gildor looked up at Haldir.

“Haldir, please, ride further along thad. ad. We’ll join you shortly.”

He smiled and disappeared after Glorfindel behind the trees. Haldir felt a little left out but he fought down his resentment and resumed his way. The Eldar’s horses remained where their masters had left them.

After the road made a turn Haldir was hailed by a sentry. Haldir stopped and an elf in the uniform of the Imladris guard stepped out of darkness. Haldir dismounted and suddenly saw Gildor materialize behind the sentry’s back. Haldir kept his expression carefully neutral as he walked forward.

“My name is Haldir,” he introduced himself. “I am a Lórien guardian.”

“And I am Garth,” the elf answered. “I’m an Imladris guard.”

“You are a dead guard, Garth,” Gildor said sarcastically.

The elf almost jumped out of his skin. “Ca… captain!” He spun around.

“I could have killed you ten times and you were not even aware I was there.”

“It’s not fair, Captain,” Garth tried to defend himself. “You know you can sneak up like that on anyone.”

“A lame excuse, Garth,” Gildor stated implacably. “I see that Convaethyr let you become slack. Just wait till you return to Imladris.”

“But Captain!” the guard almost whined.

Gildor paid him no heed. “Come on, Haldir. I think Glorfindel is already in the camp.”

“Glorfindel?” the guard gasped. “He too?”

“Aye, Garth, Glorfindel too. Though,” Gildor relented, “he did not get into the camp past you. I believe it’s Maethor by the spring, so it’s his fault.”

Gildor sang out a call for the horses. They trotted to them out of darkness in several moments and Gildor turned to Haldir. “Let’s go.”

“Is this your usual way to test your guards’ vigilance?” Haldir asked as they walked to the camp.

“Oh yes, they all are well acquainted with the game.”

“I think Garth is genuinely upset.”

“He has a sound reason for it: he was caught off-guard.”

Haldir chuckled. “You are a demanding commander, Ice Blade.”

Gildor gave him a side-glance. “As well as a demanding lover. But I give as much as I take, do you know?”

As they entered a fire-lit glade Gildor instantly found hiss fus full with a beautiful dark-haired maiden, who gave him an ardent kiss on the mouth.

“Uh, hello, Arwen,” he said, pushing her away gently. “I’m glad to see you too, but that sort of kiss… it was really… er… redundant.”

“Why? My brothers do it all the time.”

“You cannot do everything you brothers do. You are a maiden, after all.”

“So what?” Arwen pursed her lips. “I should be shy and coy? But while a poor girl is being shy, all the best males are snatched away.” She looked pointedly at the love mark on Gildor’s throat and then at Haldir. “By other males.”

Gildor laughed and Haldir saw Arwen’s eyes widen in surprise.

“You know Haldir, don’t you, Arwen?” Gildor asked, still chuckling.

“Of course I know the Marchwarden,” the elleth said conversationally. “Hello, Haldir.”

“My lady.” Haldir bowed.

“Haldir will be living in Imladris now,” Gildor told her. “With me.”

Arwen looked between them again and then sighed. “It’s just as I said: I’ll have to marry a mortal for there won’t be a decent mate of my own race left for me.”

Gildor ched aed again. “Do not fret, my princess. Thranduil’s heir is still unwed.”

“Great good that does me. We are not likely to meet any time soon.”

“Come on, Arwen, do not be so pessimistic. Our realms are on speaking terms now.” He looked over her shoulder. “Ah, I see Glorfindel is already talking to Berioron. Let me join them and have a word with Berioron too. I’ll talk to you later.”

“Oh, all right.” She shot another assessing glance at Haldir and walked back to the tent that had been set for her in the middle of the glade.

Gildor turned to Haldir. “Will it mean I use you outrageously if I ask you to see to our horses while I speak with Berioron? He’s in command of Arwen’s guard.”

“Of course it will,” Haldir smirked. “To make a Lórien Marchwarden do the work of a stable boy is a grave insult.”

“I’ll pay for it,” Gildor smiled, wrapping his arms around Haldir’s waist.

“Oh yes, you will, my beauty. Yes, you will.”

“I’m looking forward to it.” Gildor kissed him and went to join Glorfindel and Berioron.

Haldir led their horses to the edge of the clearing where other mounts were tethered near the spring. He unsaddled and watered their animals. Then he tethered his horse, leaving Gildor’s and Glorfindel’s stallions to graze freely. As he was finishing his work, he heard someone approach.

“So he imports his play-things now.” The words were spoken in a lazy drawl.

Haldir turned around slowly. He knew this elf; they had met before when he came to Lórien on several occasions. He was rather attractive in the Noldorin way: dark-haired and gray-eyed. But Haldir had found him too waspish for his liking, and too quick to take offence.

“What do you want, Thelavorn?” Haldir did not take the trouble to sound friendly.

“So arrogant, so self-assured,” Thelavron smirked. “You think that you have him now? That he’ll always be yours?” He snorted contemptuously. “You aren’t the first and you won’t be the last. We’ve seen it before. He’ll dump you sooner or later and will go back to *them*. He always does.”

Haldir’s eyes narrowed. “What are you talking about?”

Thelavorn looked at him with pity. “He hasn’t told you, has he? About his dark princes, his twin beauties?”

The twins! The visions from the Mirror flashed in Haldir’s mind and he felt a tight cold knot forming in the pit of his stomach. But he managed to remain outwardly calm.

“Have you finished?” he asked in a dangerously soft voice.

Thelavorn clearly wanted to say more but then he saw something behind Haldir’s back and changed his mind.

“Yes,” he smiled acidly. “The rest you’ll see for yourself. And soon enough.”

With that he walked away. Haldir watched him go, frowning. He turned around only when his shoulder was squeezed gently.

“Haldir?” Gildor looked at him in concern. “What’s wrong, Silfael? What did he tell you?” [Moonbeam]

Haldir shook his head and tried to smile. “Nothing.”

Gildor pulled him behind a tree and pressed him against the trunk.

“I’m well acquainted with Thelavorn’s spiteful nature and I know he told you something nasty. Please, Silfael, do not let his poisonous words hurt you.” He cupped Haldir’s cheek in his hand. “In spite of what you might and probably will hear about me, I can swear I haven’t slept with the whole of Imladris.”

“No?” Haldir smiled and turned his head to kiss Gildor’s palm.

“No,” Gildor assured him earnestly. “Only with a half. Do you think you can forgive and forget?”

Haldir laughed. “I’ll try.”

Gildor looked deep into his eyes. “Kiss me?” he asked softly.

Haldir did not wait to be asked twice. He reversed their position swiftly so that now Gildor had his back against the tree. Haldir reached out with both hands, cupping Gildor’s neck and bracing his thumbs against the underside of his jaw. Holding his head in place, he leaned forward and captured his mouth. Gildor’s lips parted with only the slightest pressure. The Vanya made a small sound of pleasure as Haldir’s warm velvet tongue stroked the slick surface of his teeth and the roof of his mouth in an unhurried, thorough exploration and then wound around his own tongue, demanding cooperation. Gildor leaned his head back against the tree and crossed his arms behind Haldir’s neck, drawing him into an even deeper, soul-mingling kiss. Haldir rested his forearms on the trunk on both sides of Gildor’s head, pressing himself into Gildor’s strong, lean body. They moaned as their arousals came intotacttact through the layers of fabric and heat shot up through them. Gildor rolled his head against the tree, teg thg their mouths apart.

“We should stop,” he gasped.

But Haldir did not listen, trailing kisses along Gildor’s jaw-line and down his throat to the hollow between his collarbones.

“Haldir, no!”

He was silenced by a hungry mouth enveloping his; Haldir’s tongue, slick, hot and urgent, slid against his own. He moaned into the kiss, wishing nothing better than to give in to his passion. However, he pushed Haldir away once again.

“We’d better stop now if you don’t want to perform for an appreciative audience with Arwen in the first row.”

“Would you mind it so much if it were her brothers watching instead of her?” Haldir panted.

“Her brothers?” Gildor became instantly alert. “Why do you ask? Was it what Thelavorn spoke to you about?” Gildor searched his face.

Haldir looked down at his feet, his long lashes touching the high curve of per perfect cheekbones.

“What did he tell you?” Gildor demanded.

“Do you sleep with the twins?” Haldir asked quietly.

Gildor swore darkly. “I’ll cut out his foul tongue.”

Haldir’s heart sank. “Do you?”

“No!”

“Have you ever…?”

Gildor sighed. “No. Haldir, I can swear on anything you want that I won’t be cheating on you. Ever. As long as you stay with me, there will be no one else for me.”

“What do you mean: as long as I stay…?”

“You are free to leave tim time you wish. I do not want you to feel bound or chained to me. You are very young. You can wish to move on one day…”

Haldir saw Gildor’s eyes become dull and unhappy and cursed himself for bringing up the subject. He pulled Gildor to himself and pressed their foreheads together.

“Why would I wish to move on? You are the best thing that could ever happen to me, glinn-e-guren. If I can stay with you as long as I wish, then you are saddled with me for the rest of eternity.” [song of my heart]

He kissed Gildor again. This time there was no passion in his kiss, only tenderness and affection.

“We’d better go back,” Gildor sighed, “or they’ll send a search party. Could you take our bedrolls to the fire? I’ll join you in a moment.”

“You are using me again,” Haldir smiled.

“Well, add it to my debt.”


Thelavorn did not hear Gildor come but he suddenly felt an ominous presence behind his back. He swirled around and found himself facing the Vanya, who was glaring virtual death at him.

“Thelavorn, next time I learn you are spreading poisonous gossip again, there will be dire consequences for you to take.”

Gildor spoke calmly but it was dangerous calmness. Thelavorn tried to look unabashed.

“I haven’t said a word of lie.”

“Perhaps. But I know that you can distort truth so that it will look blacker than a lie. It would be better – and safer - for you simply not to say anything at all.”

“Are you threatening me with another kin slaying, by any chance?” Thelavorn inquired archly.

“No. I won’t kill you. But you will wish that I had.”

Gildor turned and walked away. Thelavorn looked after him, chewing on his lip. Gildor’s threats were not to be taken lightly. But, probably, there would not be any need for further interference from his part. Judging by Gildor’s fury, his words had struck home. Seeds of discord had been sowed. Good. Why should some young pretty upstart from Lórien come and get in a blink of an eye what he, Thelavorn, could not even come close to in all these centuries? Well, now he had let the first small stone fall. The rest would follow.


On his way to the fire Gildor was intercepted by Glorfindel. His friend pulled him into the shadow of a nearby tree.

“Naira, have you got some of that Mirkwood wine left or did you finish the whole of it in Lórien?”

“Yes.”

“Yes what?”

“I have some left.”

“Perhaps, you could share it with us tonight?” Glorfindel asked nonchalantly.

“No.”

Gildor turned to go but Glorfindel swiftly barred his way with his arm. “Come on, Naira. This is a means to make a pleasant evening even more pleasant. You know – conversations flow more freely and all that.”

“No, thanks. I think I’ve had enough of conversations for today.”

“Do not be a miser, Naira,” Glorfindel tried to coax him.

Gildor leaned against the tree, one foot flat against the trunk, and folded his arms across his chest. “Mallos, this wine is of a very special blend of flavours.”

“Good,” Glorfindel nodded enthusiastically.

Gildor chuckled. “I bet you wouldn’t think it so good if you knew what this blend is.”

“Well, what is this blend?”

“Oh no, I’m not telling you,” Gildor shook his head in amusement. “I could tell the twins – they would appreciate the joke. Or, say, Erestor – he would apprte tte the perversity of it. But you are too righteous. And Haldir is too jealous.” Gildor sighed. “Take my word for it: you do not want to drink the wine and then learn what was added to it. So no wine for the two of you today. Only tea.”

“All right. You have me intrigued.” Glorfindel leaned closer to Gildor. “Now you’ll have to tell me everything.”

“Mallos, do me a favour: leave me alone. It happens so that I have someone else now to bully me and to ask questions I’d rather not answer.”

“Oh, is it that bad already?”

“Nay, these are but small clouds in the otherwise clear sky. Nothing I could not cope with. But for the present, please, do not speak about the twins in Haldir’s hearing.”

Glorfindel raised an eyebrow. “The gwanûn? This is definitely unexpected.”

Gildor just sighed and nodded. They joined the elves by the fire. All the while during the meal Gildor rested casually against Haldir, making no secret of the nature of their relationship. Haldir caught curious glances thrown their way but no comments were made and no questions were asked. The elves did not sit up long as both parties had to be on the way early in the morning. Soon only Glorfindel and Arwen remained by the dying fire.

Gildor and Haldir were lying on the bedrolls Haldir had spread for them under the tree just beyond the circle of light. Haldir’s head was resting on Gildor’s shoulder comfortably.

“Haldir,” Gildor murmured and Haldir squirmed a little as Gildor’s warm breath ghosted over his ear.

“Hm?”

“I want to apologize for… for what I did to you in the oak glade… before I left for Mirkwood.”

“Why are you speaking of it now?” Haldir asked in surprise.

“Well, I’ve meant to do it for some time now. I just could not muster up enough courage.”

“Could not muster up courage? You?” Haldir laughed softly. “I do not believe you.”


“But it’s true.” Gildor hugged Haldir closer. “If I could make up for it in any way… ”

Haldir smiled into the darkness. “As a matter of fact, you can.”

“How?”

“Do it again.”

“What?” Gildor thought he must have misheard him.

Haldir laughed. “Do it again. But this time finish it properly.”

Gildor laughed too. “Haldir! How could one so young be so brazen?”

“I’ve practiced a lot. So will you do it?”

There was a pause. “No,” Gildor said then.

Haldir was taken aback. “No? Why?”

“I won’t take you the first time against a tree,” Gildor answered softly. “I do not want it to be more painful for you than necessary.”

Haldir digested the information and then shot up on one elbow to look at Gildor. “You liar! You said I did not hurt you the first time we made love!”

Gildor chuckled. “You did not. *I* did. It was I who was too impatient, remember?”

But Haldir looked at him with guilty eyes. “And to think that I took you so roughly! And then again… ”

Gildor could not help laughing. “Oh yes, again, again and again… ” But then he reached up with his hand and stroked Haldir’s cheek. “Silfael, do not blame yourself. It was I who set the pace. I had it the way I wanted it and enjoyed every moment of it.”

“You must still be sore,” Haldir mumbled, unconvinced.

“No,” Gildor grinned. “I heal fast: I’m an Elda after all.”

His hand slid to the back of Haldir’s neck, pulling him down for a kiss.

“Gildor,” Haldir murmured, “Arwen *is* in the first row.”

“So what? It’s only a kiss.”


Arwen watched them from her place by the fire.

“It’s amazing,” she observed. “He is so open with his affection that, knowing him, I would say he is making a public display of it on purpose.”

Glorfindel chuckled but keilenilent.

“And he laughs! I’ve never seen him laughing before. My brothers will drop dead when they see it all. I wish I could be there to witness it.”

“Believe me, they will survive the shock, pen neth,” Glorfindel replied sarcastically. “Go to sleep, Arwen,” he added as the couple under the tree stopped kissing and Haldir lay down again. “You won’t miss anything - there won’t be any more shows tonight, I believe.”

“Pity,” Arwen sighed. “Maer daw.” [Good night]

She kissed him on the cheek and went to her tent. Glorfindel stayed alone by the dying fire for some time longer, looking at the glowing coals, thinking of Legolas and wondering for million and the first time if they had any future together. He was afraid that the clouds in their sky would be twice as many as in Gildor and Haldir’s. Haldir was older and much more experienced than Legolas, he was free to live where he chose and he did not have the king of Mirkwood as his daddy. Yes, Glorfindel would definitely prefer to have someone other than Thranduil for his father-in-law…

The stars above their heads were already paling when Glorfindel fell finally asleep.


Seron vel – beloved
Elleth – a female elf
Silfael – Moonbeam
Glinn-e-guren – song of my heart
Gwanûn - twins
Pen neth – young one
Maer daw – good night