Hal's House of Hurt

PROLOGUE

It originally had been Haldir’s idea. Legolas at first found it hilarious and preposterous, but after a three day drinking binge in a wood in the middle of Ithilien, it started to sound plausible and quite compelling.

Haldir was feeling his oats after Galadriel had left with Elrond and the Ring-Bearer to sail West. He had enjoyed being Captain of the Watch for Lorien, but, as he put it, it had gotten tiresome after a couple thousand years. So he decided to stay in Middle-Earth and “travel the world and see what there was to see.” He’d even gone to Mordor and visited with the freed slaves of Sauron there, where he discovered a quite potent alcoholic beverage the locals called wodka. It apparently was made from a starchy root that had been a food staple for them, and it packed quite a wallop.

Legolas was living in Ithilien with the last of the fair folk, renewing and replenishing that beautiful land, under the gentle reign of Prince Faramir and his Princess, Eowyn. He’d been feeling a little restless himself, thinking of doing some traveling when Haldir showed up in the small Elven village with his flasks of wodka.

He rejoiced to see the beautiful Haldir and after a long drawn out welcome kiss that made the other Elves smirk, they went off alone into the wood to catch up on things. Haldir brought out a flask, and after initially spluttering and gasping at the fiery liquid, Legolas sat down to do some serious drinking and talking with his old friend.

Legolas soon found the drink loosened his tongue in other ways than speech as he was swept up in Haldir’s demanding embrace.

“It’s been too long,” Haldir whispered, his breath hot against Legolas’ mouth. “Too long, my swerincrince.” Soon there was no more breath for speech, the only sounds small and incoherent whimpers and moans; the rhythm of their movements as old as Ea.

Haldir sat against the rough bark of an old oak cuddling Legolas to his bare chest. The former Watch Captain of Lorien cradled the golden head of the Prince of Mirkwood on his shoulder and idly stroked his unbound hair. Their perfect, flushed alabaster skin gleamed with the exertions of their lovemaking in the dappled sunlight, making them seem living statues of exquisite artistry.

Haldir lifted the flask to his lips and took a sip. He grabbed a handful of Legolas’ hair and pulled back gently, bringing the Prince’s lips close to his. He covered Legolas’ mouth with his own and gave him his sip of wodka along with his tongue. Legolas’ eyes fluttered closed and moaned, arching his body into the kiss. Haldir did this several times until Legolas was again pink and gasping with lust and alcohol.

“You are teasing me, Haldir,” Legolas purred, making small circles with the tip of his finger around the other Elf’s pale pink nipple. Haldir merely growled and pushed his lover back down against the thick blanket of oak leaves.

“What would you have me do, then?” he asked, rather breathlessly, his eyes devouring the vision of incomparable beauty beneath him. Legolas did not answer in words: he just took one of Haldir’s hands and licked and sucked on a finger, pushing it in and out of his mouth slowly. The Lorien Elf groaned in response, and pressed his sudden arousal against the other Elf’s. Once more, the quiet wood filled with the small sounds of carnal pleasure.

Later they again sat against the oak, companionably passing the flask back and forth. They spoke of their restlessness and the call of the Sea, but neither wanted to follow it just yet, each for his own reasons. Haldir wanted a break from woodcraft and Legolas was no longer interested in lifting his bow or knives; he was sick to death of killing Orcs, his competition with Gimli notwithstanding. They were both looking for something pleasant and yet different to do that would benefit others as well, being conscientious Elves. But what? What could two ex-warriors do, other than teach others their craft, something neither one wanted to do? They were silent for long moments, contemplating options.

Haldir turned to the beauty next to him and sighed. “I know what I want to do.”

Legolas looked at him, his vision a bit blurred around the edges. “What?”

“Make love to you all the time.”

Legolas snickered. “I cannot see how that would benefit anyone else but you. And me,” he added as an afterthought.

Haldir suddenly got that familiar evil glint in his eyes. Unnerved, Legolas tried to unobtrusively move away, but an arm snaked out and grabbed hold of his shoulder. It did not bode well.

“I have seen many things in my travels upon Middle-Earth,” Haldir said.

“Doubtless you have. So have I, and not all good.”

“There are many folk that find pleasure in pain…”

“Mmm. Yes. Orcs for one.” Legolas shuddered and took the flask from Haldir.

Haldir frowned. “Did you not tell me that Estel himself liked to be tied up and paddled?”

Legolas snorted up into his sinuses the sip of wodka he had taken. It was a while before he could speak but Haldir was patient.

“What are you asking?” Legolas managed finally, wiping away the tears streamirom rom his eyes.

Haldir shrugged and took back the flask. “Folk will give much to have a beautiful Elf spank them.”

Legolas eyes widened and then began to laugh. He fell over, hugging his waist, rolling in the leaf mould. He laughed until his sides ached and his face was sore. It was a long time before he was able to stop, but then Haldir’s grin set him off again.

“Oh! By the Valar, I shall die!” Legolas groaned. He dared not look at Haldir.

“I tell you, Legolas. It can be done…”

Haldir continued to expound on his idea through the night, the next day, and two more flasks of wodka and Legolas giggled and snickered quite a bit. Eventually though, purely for his own entertainment, the Prince began to strategize and collude with Haldir on how this might be accomplished.

It was only on the third day of drinking and lovemaking that Legolas realized Haldir was completely serious about the enterprise. He had convinced the Prince to talk to Gimli about getting the Dwarves to make “implements” and “restraints.”

“But, love – Men take offense at blatant displays of sexual congress under their noses.”

Haldir snorted. “What care I for the opinions of Men?” He grinned mischievously. “Besides, they will vilify it in public and come to us in secret. That is their way.”

Legolas had to agree that was true. “I concede to that point. But how does this benefit folk?”

“Men frequent brothels and houses of ill repute all the time, do they not? They certainly provide a needed service for folk, else there would not be so many. This physical domination goes on already; it’s just not spoken of. We will only provide that particular specialized service, and from Elves, not their own females.”

Legolas looked at Haldir closely. “How do you know all this? You have been in these houses of ill repute?”

Haldir smiled enigmatically. “I have been many places these past years. I have also seen how the presence of an Elf increases Men’s carnal pleasures. They vie for it.”

“Hmmph.” Legolas knew of the intense physical attraction Elves held for Men, both male and female. He did not understand it, but like all of his race, he had used it to his own advantage many times.

“We must surely speak to Faramir about this. It is his realm after all. I do not want to anger him.”

“Of course. If he naysays it, then I will drop it. But he won’t: there are many brothels in his realm that he allows to exist. One more would not alter anything.”

Legolas had a sudden thought enter his alcohol addled mind. He looked at Haldir coldly. “I will not play the whore to any Man.”

The Lorien Elf raised his brows in surprise. “Nay, my love. That will never be your role. You are a Prince and an Elf Lord and they will come to you for their punishment. How you punish them will be up to you.” And he sealed the promise with a searing kiss.

~~~

The two Elves staggered back to the village in the twilight, arms around each others shoulders, singing at the top of their lungs. They called their brethren together and told them of their plans. A few pursed their lips in disapproval, the equivalent of a Man rolling his eyes heavenward in disgust, but most were highly amused. There were several, male and female, that showed animated interest and Haldir took those aside to speak privately.

The next morning, Legolas brought Haldir to Prince Faramir and the lord received the Elves with joy. He invited them to a private brunch with his lady wife, where they broached the subject of their enterprise.

Faramir sat back and looked thoughtful, stroking his chin, while Eowyn, like Legolas before her, fell into laughter.

“Tell me how you would do this,” Faramir asked. The Elves outlined their plan, and the Man was intrigued despite himself.

‘There are Men of Rohan who practice this art,” Eowyn commented.

“There are Men everywhere who do this, my love,” Faramir told her.

“No, I mean they specialize in it.” And so it went. Faramir agreed to it, as long as no one was hurt and it was kept discreet, as they would cater to an exclusive clientele. He sent a messenger to Eomer for a practitioner of the Arts of Domination to come and instruct his Elven friends and within the year a large stone house was built for them on the outskirts of Prince Faramir’s lands and they were in business.

It was not too long after that word came of Legolas and Haldir’s new profession to the ears of the King of Gondor.