The Return of the Kinky

Disclaimer: I obviously dont own anything in here, except my fucked up interpretation of things. And, this is meant to be a work of parody and I am absolutely in love with Return of the King so I am in no way trying to bash it. Only improve it.... slightly. Not at all really. Some of the details may be a little off but hopefully no one will notice :D

***The Return of the Kinky (A Cinematic Journey)***


The distant past. Deagol and Smeagol fishing on a river. Deagol finds the One Cock-Ring. Smeagol realises a lifetime of sensual pleasure and world domination will ensue for the wearer. Deagol therefore must die. But he sure was one determined little sucker to kill. Whewf. Could do with a fish cocktail after all that effort.


Smeagol's ensuing history. Smeagol believes the One Cock-Ring is turning him into the living image of a super sex-god. Instead he turns into Gollum. But after all, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and we all know there's Gollum fanfic out there.


Cut to the present. Frodo, Sam and Gollum continue their journey towards Mount Doom to destroy the One Cock-Ring. You can tell the moments when Frodo falls under the One Cock-Ring's power - his eyes roll back in his head as though he's just had his brains shagged out. Mmn, evil Frodo is kinda yummy...


Isengard. Hot men on horses and stoned hobbits. Pippin spies the sexiest ball he's ever seen, apart from one of Merry's. An obsession is born.


Edoras. The Rohirrim celebrate their Helm's Deep victory with much mirth and mead and Eowyn really hopes she might get to bang Aragorn if she gets him drunk enough. Who cares if he's 87? Some men improve with age. Look at Theoden, he's 60-odd and he's great in the sack. Eomer's 28 and it's all wham, bam, thank you sis - who needs it?

Mordor. Gollum and Smeagol have a chat in a pool of water. Gollum hopes that by leading Frodo into the lair of a giant she-spider he might finally regain the One Cock-Ring for his own. Might torture and dismember the Fat Hobbit just for laffs once he is Lord of All too.


Edoras. Pippin decides to make a move on the Palantir. Takes it from the sleeping Gandalf's arms and replaces it with a chamber pot. Can't help but be glad chamber pot is not full because wizard's piss really stinks. Palantir madness ensues. Boy that's one hot ball! Gandalf's punishment for Pippin is to crush him up against his studly wizardly form for a three-day horseback ride to Minas Tirith. It's hard for Pippin to be separated from Merry but Gandalf certainly knows how to handle his staff


Minas Tirith. Gandalf takes Pippin to meet Denethor, Steward of Gondor. Pippin finds him so utterly raunchy he offers him his "service" for life. And I think we all know what that means. Meanwhile Denethor tells Gandalf he will not have his rule supplanted by a Ranger from the North who has the audacity to be both older and hotter than he is.


While Pippin and Gandalf steal some quiet couple time in a Minas Tirith chamber, the Witch King of Angmar robes for battle, and declares to Vogue magazine that this season black is the new black


Minas Morgul (where actually green appears to be the new black). Gollum shows Frodo and Sam the hidden stairs. "Stairs" being a somewhat loose term for a perpendicular rock-face.


Minas Tirith. Gandalf and Pippin discuss Frodo and Sam's chances. Gandalf notes there was 'never much hope, a fool's hope'. At which point they both decide some sinfully raunchy shagging is just the ticket to push away thoughts of imminent doom.


Minas Morgul. The gates open and lots of orcs in black leather issue forth, convinced they are going to an S&M party. Heh heh that Sauron, what a kidder.


Osgiliath. The Nazgul attack. Again. Faramir is forced to call a retreat. Again. Damn, Denethor's gonna be pissed. Again. Faramir considers it might be time to start a new life in Khand or Harad. Maybe join the Corsairs of Umbar and call himself the Dread Pirate Roberts


Things are looking a bit dicey for Faramir and co. on the way home to Minas Tirith but luckily Mithrandir turns up with that hokey "shaft of white light" thing he does. And he's looking pretty hot too. Hang on, what's that hobbit doing riding with him? Faramir doesn't like it when Mithrandir has other lovers.

Faramir mentions the two hobbits he has already met were headed to Cirith Ungol. Mithrandir looks upset, the desired effect. Aw, Big M, a couple other of your fuck-buddies in danger? See if I care, you cheating bastard!


Cirith Ungol. Gollum wants the One Cock-Ring, wants it my precious. But the fat hobbit is watching, always watching. Gollum will have the fat hobbit's balls on a satay stick whellumllum is Lord of All won't he my precious?


Minas Tirith. Faramir admits to Denethor they have lost Osgiliath and Denethor is pissed. Yup, no surprises there. Faramir hopes that by leading a renewed charge on Osgiliath he might finally get his father to forget Boromir and show him some decent hot rudey action. Yes dad, I know
Boromir ruled at, ahem, blowing the horn of Gondor, but honestly I have my talents. Just ask Mithrandir.


Cirith Ungol. Gollum decides Sam has got to go. He raids Sam's pack and throws away all his last remaining supplies of Elvish "limber-ass" lubricant. Of course when Frodo wakes up and needs his morning shag he thinks Sam has ditched the lube on purpose because he no longer finds him attractive. Frodo is hurt and anyway what the hell use is Sam if he won't shag him? Frodo tells Sam to go home. Gollum is thrilled. He is inching ever closer to the One Cock-Ring! The One Cock-Ring is ever closer to his inches!


Minas Tirith. Gandalf asks Pippin to light his fire. Pippin tries to oblige and has to be hauled out of the wizard's pants and shown where the battle beacon is. Pippin asks Gandalf to be more specific next time.


Edoras. Theoden decides to take the Rohirrim to the aid of Gondor. Eowyn tells Aragorn she is accompanying them to their camp at Dunharrow and he sees she is taking her sword. Hopes it's not to cut his balls off when they finally have the "where is this relationship going?" chat and he tells her he's not going to trade his hot Elven princess for a backwater stable-girl who can't make decent soup


On the road to the Grey Havens. Arwen sees a vision of Aragorn with a child. Boy she hopes that's one they've adopted because she sure doesn't want to go through all that messy human childbirth stuff. At least with Elves it's the men who have to have the babies. Isn't it? Well, according to all that m-preg she's read anyway...


Hey, is that Figwit telling her she has to go to the Havens? Boy, Figwit's kinda cute! [Cute? He's gorgeous! cry thousands of fangirlies] Still, work to do, can't stick around to screw the servants when she has to head back to Rivendell and give Elrond a serve for being a sneaky bastard and not telling her the whole truth about her future.


Minas Tirith. Women throw flowers before Faramir and his soldiers as they leave for Osgiliath. Which is nice'n'all, but quite frankly they'd really have preferred them to get their boobs out. A man might as well go out to likely death with a smile on his face, right?


Pippin sings for Denethor while he sits at the dinner table. Can't decide whether his eating habits are disgusting or arousing.


Faramir and company charge upon Osgiliath. Men on horseback are sexy...


Orcs prepare to lay siege to Minas Tirith. They, on the other hand, are not so sexy. Oh, hang on, there's orc-fic isn't there? Sorry!! To each her own...


Dunharrow. The Rohirrim's horses are freaking out. Gimli is told the mountain is haunted. Aragorn looks into the cleft of the mountain and considers he hasn't seen a spookier crack since that whorehouse in Bree.


Eowyn helps Merry prepare for battle. Considers screwing him since she doesn't seem to be getting anywhere with Aragorn. Eomer gives Merry grief about being short. Merry says Eomer doesn't know what he's talking about, most human men consider him *just* the right height. Eomer eating his dinner is sexy. Eomer doing just about anything is sexy. Eomer scratching his butt might even be sexy. I think I might be exposing a bias here, so I'll move on.


Rivendell. [Or "Rivendale" as most of the cast seem to insist on calling it.] Arwen demands that her father re-forge the shards of Narsil into the new sword Anduril for Aragorn to use in battle. Then she demands a pony and a pair of Mary-Kate and Ashley dolls. As usual, Elrond can deny her nothing.


Dunharrow. Elrond has brought Anduril to Aragorn in the Rohirrim encampment. Which he doesn't mind so much, since he gets to wear his pretty black velvet cloak with the hood and screw some hot Rohirrim boys on the way out. He tells Aragorn to take the Paths of the Dead (his usual method of dispatching dirty humans who dare to lay a hand on his daughter).


Eowyn tries to convince Aragorn not to take the Paths, and it's kind of clear now's the time for the "where's this relationship going?" chat. Aragorn tells Eowyn she loves but a shadow and a dream and he cannot love her in return. Eowyn finds herself screaming "No, not a shadow and a dream, more like a dickless wonder with a hygiene problem and actually I never loved you anyway you fucking bastard". Oh hang on, that was me when my ex dumped me...


Theoden tells the Rohirrim they probably won't survive the batt(Doe(Doesn't notice them thereafter sneaking off in twos and threes as they travel to Gondor.)


Mordor. Frodo is feeling his way around a scary dark cave. Decides to throw some light on the situation with that pretty glass bauble Galadriel gave him. Maybe he should have brought a torch instead, 'cos he still ends up stumbling straight into Shelob's big fat spiderweb.


Meanwhile crybaby uncoordinated Sam slides down the stairs and finds himself on top of the limber-ass lube Gollum threw out of his pack. Damn that slimy critter, the first thing he's going to use the lube for when he gets a hold of him is to shove a fist up his shrivelled butt and pull his intestines out. Then a nice shag for Mr. Frodo.


Back up in the cave Frodo cuts himself loose from the web, fights with Gollum and throws him off a cliff. Whilst recovering from all that exertion he has a little daydream about Galadriel, because Galadriel is hot. But damn, if it's his daydream, how come her clothes are still on?


Minas Tirith. Faramir's plan to impress Denethor looks to have gone a wee bit awry when his horse drags him through the gate stuck full of arrows. Mind you, Denethor is into pain, so who knows


Denethor's horror at the sight of Mordor's army allows for some gratuitous slapstick as Gandalf lays the smackdown on Denethor. Ah well, makes a change from Gimli falling off a horse.


Mordor's armies start catapulting the heads of Gondorian soldiers over the walls. City inhabitants reflect that this is not really the head they generally like being given.


The Paths of the Dead. Aragorn confronts the King of the Dead, who is of the opinion that this would have to be the greasiest and grottiest of Arwen's lovers Elrond has ever sent him to be killed. Aragorn annoyingly turns out to be Isildur's heir and the KotD owes him his allegiance in battle. Damn that Elrond and his slutty daughter.


Minas Tirith. Denethor plans an "end of civilisation as we know it" barbecue with himself and a comatose Faramir as guests of honour. Oh, and as stand-by fuel and possibly the menu. Waste not, want not.


Dunharrow. Eowyn, mad with grief over Aragorn, cross-dresses. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Pops Merry on her horse with her, still considering him as a fall-back option


Minas Tirith. Orcs are assailing the gate of Minas Tirith with the boar-headed battering-ram called Grond. One could interpret Grond as a penis and the gate as a hymen, but you know, I'd really rather not


Denethor pours oil on himself. *Really* wish I hadn't found that just the tiniest bit sexy. Whewf, luckily Gandalf arrives on Shadowfax to distract me.


Faramir wakes up and suspects that his father burning him alive isn't actually the overture to great sex after all. Mind you, Denethor's into pain, you never know.


Denethor, in flames, pitches over the parapet of the seventh level of Minas Tirith. Wow! It's a bigger rush than auto-erotic asphyxiation! [But hands up if you thinks PJ should **so** have let him die with more dignity.]


Mordor. Shelob gets Frodo but good and trusses him up. Sam comes to the rescue and pulls the web away from Frodo's face. OMG, he's turned into Marilyn Manson!


Orcs take Frodo. Poor Sam finds out Frodo hasn't turned into an undead pop-star after all, he's just a bit sick.


Minas Tirith. Gandalf and Pippin are waiting for the battle to reach them. Gandalf says some gentle comforting words about death being but a journey to a beautiful destination, then asks Pippin if a last shag's out of the question.


The Pelennor. The Rohirrim charge. As they near the orc battle lines, some of them start to find the orc leader who looks like a pig strangely attractive


The Mumakil charge. Special effects abound. Eomer looks very heroic. Is there any chance he might get his kit off?


The Anduin's banks. The Orcs are awaiting reinforcements from the Black Ships when Aragorn and co. emerge. What business do a man, an elf and a dwarf have on the Black Ships? think the Orcs. Shit, who cares, they'll soon be toast. Then either the Army of the Dead emerges or the Corsairs of Umbar have contracted a serious flesh-eating disease since the Orcs last hung with them. Looks like it’s toast-time for the Orcs instead.


Theoden has fallen. The Witch King tells his fell beast to feed on the king's flesh and euww that was one line we could have done without. Eowyn and Merry fight a battle to the death with the Witch King. Suck it in buddy, having your evil ass whipped is the new black


Legolas joins the fray against the Mumakil and does his "hero-shit". That is not my term. That is what Orlando Bloom calls it. Staying so pretty has taken up energy normally devoted to verbal skills.


Mordor. Captive Frodo is bound and naked from the waist up. A thousand sexy new fanfics are born. Orcs start fighting over Frodo's mithril shirt. Which is kinda dumb, none of them are small enough to fit into it, and what else are they going to do with it, hock it at Cash Converters?


Minas Tirith. The Army of the Dead engulfs the city to destroy Sauron's hordes in strange streams of gooey-looking green. I think I saw something like this on The X-Files once.


The Pelennor. Apparently the Black Breath isn't quite as bad as we have been led to believe, since Eowyn has quite the affable chat with Theoden before he bites it - sorry, goes to the halls of his ancestors - when, correct me if I'm wrong, she should *BE OUT COLD*. And as usual, Eomer is robbed! Read the book somebody!! He's meant to be at Helm's Deep and he's meant to be at Theoden's death to be made a hot and sexy new King!


Don't quite know how Merry and Pippin wound up on the battlefield together whispering sweet nothings to each other. But this is new improved slashy M+P RotK, so just go with it ;)


Mordor. Sam whips some Orc butt to rescue Frodo, and reveals he has both the One Cock-Ring in his safekeeping and has found the "limber-ass" lubricant. And I think we all know what that means.


About fifteen minutaterater (no time for snuggles when there’s a One Cock-Ring to destroy) Frodo and Sam attempt to cross the plain of Gorgoroth wearing masks lifted from the Orcs' bondage dungeon.


Minas Tirith. Faramir's Osgiliath antics have given the rest of our heroes a taste for suicide missions and they all decide to go to Mordor to distract Sauron and co. from Frodo's quest
T
The Captains of the West leave for Mordor. Merry is with them, not at the Houses of Healing with Eowyn and Faramir. The Houses of Healing won't even exist until the extended DVD comes out. Who cares about Eowyn finding true love when making up heaps of scenes of her wanting Aragorn that weren't in Tolkien is so much more fun?


Mordor. Sam gives Frodo some water and says it's their last. Luckily there's still heaps of lubricant. They slather it all over their bodies and hey presto, the Eye of Sauron slips right over them!


Sam talks of the Shire, accompanied by some Irish pipes that seemed to have strayed in from the soundtrack of "Titanic".


The Black Gate opens and Sauron's armies spew forth. Aragorn and co. kinda knew they were fucked but this pretty much confirms it.


Sam starts to carry Frodo up Mount Doom. All those hours carrying sacks of manure around the garden at Bag End are finally paying off.


Aragorn recites the St Crispin's Day speech from Henry V to rally the troops. Well, near enough to it.


Sam and Frodo reach the portals of Mount Doom. Slight hitch of Gollum pouncing on them is rectified when Sam beats his head in with a rock.


Aragorn and co. are now standing before Sauron's hordes. Am I the only one wondering where the hell their horses went? The Eye of Sauron whispers sibilantly to Aragorn. Possibly something about his fly being undone, but I didn't quite catch it

ide ide Mount Doom. The will of the One Cock-Ring is too much for our brave hottie Frodo and he has given in to its evil lure when Gollum re-appears. Gollum vs. invisible Frodo looks a bit like Yoda meditating or ET heading across the moon but since Gollum is generally the most amazing CGI creature ever brought to the screen maybe we'll just pretend this bit didn't happen.


Gollum falls into the fire and we are both glad and sad. (Just like Terminator 2 or Alien 3!) The One-Cock Ring reveals its final words - "So long and thanks for all the sex" - in glowing letters before it melts into nothingness.


The empire of Mordor starts to collapse. More hisses from the Eye of Sauron as he falls into destruction. Something like, "Oh, shiiiiiit...."


Sam rescues Frodo one last time and they sit together waiting for their deaths amid molten lava. But just in case you think it's going to be a slashy moment Sam mentions wanting to marry Rosie Cotton.


Eagles arrive with Gandalf and sweep up Sam and Frodo. Gandalf has to dissuade the eagles from taking the hobbits back to their nests and feeding them to their hungry chicks but otherwise all's well that ends well.


Minas Tirith. Frodo wakes. Bed scene ensues where the entire Fellowship comes in and sexes Frodo up. I don't even have to embellish this, it's totally there in the movie!!! Who cares if Sam wants to marry Rosie Cotton, all the others are totally still up for it!


Aragorn is crowned King of Gondor. He is clean and well-groomed and thousands of fangirlies moan nooooo and long for his sweaty, grimy days. He favours Arwen with the kind of search-and-destroy kiss that suggests he hasn't had sex since he last saw her in Rivendell (while fanficsters the world over smirk heh heh we know better ;) )...


Meanwhile Eowyn doesn't look heartbroken in the least. In fact she looks kind of happy next to big ol' hunky Faramir. "Huh?" says anyone who hasn't read the books. AND WE DON'T BLAME YOU.


The Shire. Our loveable half-pint hobbit heroes have returned to their old lives. Sam does indeed marry Rosie Cotton. Of course he still gives Mr. Frodo his morning shag, but what Rosie doesn't know won't hurt her.


Despite Sam's tender ministrations, Frodo's wound from the Witch King and his memories is dis days bearing the One Cock-Ring will never really heal, and thus it is he resolves to go into the West with the Elves. As he bids farewell to his companions at the Grey Havens and boards the ship with Elrond, Galadriel, Celeborn and Gandalf, we get the feeling that Valinor must be a place of quiet joy, peace and beauty. But actually it’s kind of like Las Vegas - gambling, drinking, dancing girls, all-you-can-eat salad bars and Elvis in concert 24 hours a day. Who said Elves don't know how to party? Rock and roll!!


Sam returns home from the Grey Havens and Rosie and the kids come out of their hobbit-hole to meet him. "Well, I'm back," says Sam. "Hey everyone, Sam's back! A little bit earlier than expected!" says Rosie loudly, pointedly and just a teensy bit nervously. We see Old Proudfoot making a hasty exit out of their back door* pulling up his trousers.


* [Hobbit ‘back doors’ (no, not that kind) actually appear at the of the top of a hobbit-hole just by the chimney - JRR Tolkien, "On Hobbit-holes and Other Extremely Interesting Topics No One Else Cares About Because My Heroes Are So Bonkable"]


Sam cuddles his children and reflects fondly how glad he is the adorable muffins are beautiful just like Rosie and haven't inherited any of his looks. No, not a whisper of his looks. Poor old innocent Sam!

~ The End (except for 3 days' worth of credits) ~