Carandol The Matchmaker

Carandol The Matchmaker 1/?

Author: Sebastian
Email: sebastian.s@btinternet.com
Archive: AdultFanFiction.net, Anyone else, please ask so I know where it is
Rating: NC-17 eventually
Pairing: Carandol (OMC)/Legolas (eventually), Glorfindel/would ruin the plot, Erestor/wait and see, Elrond/half the garrison from Dol Amroth, Elladan & Elrohir/just about anyone who asks.
Genre: Slash. Humour (Almost)
Warnings: AU, sex, bad language, more sex...even worse language........A little bit of Erestor bashing to start with. (Sorry babe, I love you really.)
Summary: Carandol is visiting Imladris on an extended visit from the Havens. He decides to interfere in a few elves' love lives whilst he has some self-discovery of his own to do.
Timeline: Third Age, before the Fellowship.
Disclaimer: I only own Carandol and his machinations. Tolkien's estate owns everything else. No infringement of copyright is intended. I bow to the master. This offering is written purely for fun and no profit is being made. Sigh...

Translation:
Caran - red
Dol - head

Chapter One - An Introduction and A Strange-Looking Liquid

By Eru, I am weary and I haven't even been doing that much. A few volumes of paperwork for Elrond as a favour, a thirty-mile ride to catch that wayward filly of Elladan's (his horse, that is), and now a deep and meaningful half hour with Erestor (a conversation, that is). And its still only lunchtime. Ah me, such is the life of a great Elf warrior, all round good guy and hot stuff. Mmm. Right.

Ahem...I am Carandol. Yes, my parents had great imagination - not. I'm a red head. Hence my name. Long flame-red hair, (rare for an elf), deep green eyes and slim (normal for an elf)...not muscle bound like my new friend Glorfindel...but strong-ish, nevertheless. And I befriend dragons...well one in particular. Couldn't kill him you see, he was so polite. I'll tell you what happened later. I'm 302 years old, a squit really compared to the ancient beings I rub shoulders with every day. Anyway... I'm lately from the havens and currently sojourning in Imladris. My father is a chum of Lord Elrond and Glorfindel and thought I needed to hone my warrior skills with the hero of Gondolin himself. He also thought I needed to go somewhere a bit more refined to smooth out some rough edges. Obviously, he doesn't know Imladris that well.

I glance at myself in the mirror as I cross the room towards a bottle beconing temptingly to me on the drinks tray. Not a bad reflection. But don't take my word for it - ask Erestor - he's always trying to get into my pants - thinks I'm a babe.

Pity, really. I'm told Erestor's quite a hunk. I wouldn't know. Well, from an aesthetic point of view I suppose I would agree, but, you see, I don't go with males. Never tried it... Wouldn't like it...I hear it's a bit painful, very messy and not very soft. And its no good calling a dragon tamer a wimp either. Male Elves are great...you can joke, drink, swear and fart with a bloke. But I've yet to meet one with tits that can fill your hands with succulent plump flesh. And I definitely don't want to be pinned up against the wall while some male gets out his...

"Cocktail, Erestor?" I ask as I pour a generous portion of the strong mixture into a glass.

"Yes, I'll have another," he answers lifting his now empty glass towards me.

I pour the drinks, hand one to Erestor, then stretch languidly (and very elegantly) upon the large, sof sofa, unfolding my oh, so long, legs upon the length of the seat cushions.

"Bad morning?" Erestor asks, leaning back into his armchair.

"Bad enough to warrant several glasses of this stuff." I look at the glass before taking a very large gulp and I sigh appreciatively. "But I could do with something else."

Erestor looks at me and smiles (well, leers really). "You need to get laid, properly," he says, just like that, his expression unchanging.

What does he mean, properly? I look at him warily, steel eyed and stiff jawed. Almost.

"What about that Elf maiden you humped in Lothlorien last month? You had her sister too didn't you?" Erestor says without even noticing one of my special leers I save just for him.

"And her cousin." I take another sip. "Not the mother though."

"You surprise me." Erestor remarks. "She was pretty, if I remember."

"Yes, but I generally call a halt at three. Too many arms and legs...I get a bit lost."

Erestor chokes on his drink. "You had them together?"

"Well, yes. We weren't going to be there very long and I didn't have time to go from one to the other." Now that's what I call getting 'properly' laid.

"No wonder your're suffering from withdrawal symptoms. You don't want to overdo it, Carandol." Erestor smirks. "Any luck since then?"

"Just a quick something in the stables."

"Gods, you must be desperate. Didn't know the mares were that pretty." Erestor tries hard to make a joke.

"Thanks mate. If you want to be useful, fix me up with someone. Hasn't your latest boyfriend got a sister or some friends or something?"

"Of course. But I'm afraid they all know what you're like."

"And what is that?" I ask, a little affronted.

"Insatiable."

Oh, yes.

*******************

I wake up the next morning with a giant hangover and a terrible taste in my mouth. So what happened to the afternoon and the evening? I hope I was only drinking but with Erestor eyeing me up most of the time, I can't be sure. I move my body and I don't feel sore so...No, no, I'm not really serious. He wouldn't touch me..well, at least not while I was asleep. He might call me darling a few times and whisper obsenities in my ear, but that's about it. He's not a perv...as far as I know. But I remember feeling so frustrated that that might have been enough. What am I saying?

Today I must think seriously about finding a gorgeous piece of female Elven tottie. How I'm going to accomplish that stuck indoors with Elrond and Erestor and trying to avoid the twins, remains to be seen.

Yes...there's another thing...the twins. Elladan and Elrohir, the apples of their father's eye and two fruitier young Elves you couldn't hope to meet. But they're always up to something, and I usually end up getting involved, or blamed, or both.

Don't get me wrong. They're great to be around, especially when you want some action...if you follow me...but I'm rather selective of the kind of action I want to get into. (Note - see paragraph four above). And mostly that doesn't involve whips, leather or cream cheese. Don't ask. (Mind you, what they can do with cherry fondue...) I digress...

"Good morning Carandol." Elrond greets me as I sit down to breakfast and note that the twins are suspiciously quiet and can't seem to stop yawning. The table is less crowded than when the whole family are present. I left Arwen, their younger sister in Lothlorien with their mother, Celebrian, to while away a few months with the Galadhrim, most of them, so I expect we'll have a party. Don't misunderstand, the two aren't mutually exclusive, but, well, you know Elrond.
you you don't? Well...you will...oh yes! The last time Arwen and Elrond's missus went to Lothlorien, the party lasted for nine and a half days. What can I say...we live forever...usually, and our parties have to last...and last...and...Mind you that crowd from Mirkwood didn't help - can those boys drink...

"I think I'll have a party." says Elrond, his mouth full of warm roll.

Yes!

"Oh, what a good idea, my lord. Would you like me to do the invitations?" I have to offer. If Erestor gets to send them out we'll only have male Elves from the Havens, the boys from Mirkwood again, those that actually made it home last time...and half the garrison from Dol Amroth.

"Thank you, Carandol. I'll go through the guest list with you later today." And Elrond finishes his bread roll.

I smirk at Erestor who pretends to look unconcerned. Maybe I'll be kind and invite a few of the boys from Minas Tirith...he'd like that...a few big, strapping, sweaty humans might be right up his street...if I can be pursuaded...maybe. Oh I'm so wicked. What power.

I look over at the twins who are still very quiet.

"There's some of that green hangover stuff in the dispensary." I say to them. It's awful stuff but some of us have to keep it ready in our bedrooms. Were they with me and Erestor last night? Best not to ask, some things I really don't want
to know about so I leave them to it and go outside for some fresh air and begin to make a mental note of 'my' personal guest list.

*************

"And we'd better ask a few of the men from the garrison at Dol Amroth..." Elrond is saying as we work through the guest list.

"Yes, Elrond." I sigh.

"And some from Minas Tirith..."

I sigh again.

"That lot'll keep Erestor happy for a few days anyway."

I sigh again...and wince.

"We'd better d ind inviting any of the Elves from Lothlorien, I don't want too many people to hear about the party." And he looks at me meaningfully. I take the hint. We don't want to cramp his style now do we. Not only does he not want the rest of the family to come, but he doesn't want them reporting back either. Good move.

"The Galadhrim can be a bit boisterous." I say helpfully.

"Yes...I know...pity that." He muses. "But no, we'll invite a few more from Mirkwood, we'll have plenty of booze and lots of time to clean up afterwards."

We'll need it.

As you have gathered by now, the Mirkwood Elves have a bit of a reputation. Their King, Thranduil, leads by example - i.e. work hard, fight hard, play hard. Eye Candy Thrandy himself (don't tell him I called him that) does all three...at the same time. I've never met his sons, but I understand they do the same. His daughter...now there's a peach...all soft lips and rosy nipples...(don't tell Thrandy I said that either). I spent some time at the king's court a few decades ago and I loved every minute of it. Bless 'em.

******************

"So how are the arrangements going Carandol?" asks Erestor as we sit on one of the large balconies overlooking the valley drinking my favourite cocktails.

"Fine. Everything is on schedule. Drinks and food ordered. Musicians prepared, bedrooms organized..."

Erestor looks at me as if I've said something funny.

"Well I suppose some of the guests will want to sleep." I explain. "And in any case not everyone wants to get a bum full of twigs while getting fucked in the woods, Erestor. And personally, I don't like damp ground." I shudder. Call me fussy, but I'd like to get laid in comfort, and if there's not enough bedrooms to go round, someone will take mine.

Elladan and Elrohir arrive as I'm talking and mix themselves some lethal concoction from the drinks trolley.

"Don't worry, Carandol, you can always bunk up with us." Elladan says with an innocent expression. My arse. (And it would be.)

Erestor chokes on his drink and I glare at him.

Elrohir sidles over to me and sits on the arm of my chair rubbing his body against me. "In fact, we can give you a bunk up any time." And then he kisses my temple. What are they on...?

O.K. so you've sussed that the twins, like many Elves, will shag anything with two legs...male, female, unknown or as yet undecided. They are both chips off the proverbial block as their father, the illustrious Elrond, has probably taught them everything they know...without dropping any names, of course. Ai, what a household. Normally I know when and where and with whom I can bend over.

Never...and I mean never...bend over in Imladris if you don't want to lose your...testimonials.

Elrohir, who is still perched beside me, begins running a finger up the side of my neck.

"So, Carandol, have you invited plenty of beautiful Elf maidens just for you?" His voice is deliberately soft and sensual as he leans in a little closer. "Or can we share?"

"Elrohir," I answer, "You can have whoever you want." And I realise my mistake as he swiftly turns my head and gives me a big wet kiss on my mouth.

Elladan giggles madly and Elrohir looks flushed...flushed?! Erestor is licking his lips.

"Yuck," I say, in my deepest voice. "Go and stick your tongue elsewhere, Elrohir."

"Put my son down for a minute, Carandol, I need you to help me with some orders for supplies," says Elrond as he puts his head around the corner of the balcony and then walks off.

I stand, annoyance and embarrassment written across my face and glare at them. Erestor, who has still got his tongue hanging out, moves behind me and I just know I'm going to get my arse felt so I leave, indignantly, and follow Elrond, practicing a few choice words that will leave my reputation intact.

****************

It is now the day before the rut...er party...and guests have been arriving throughout the day. There are many figures that are familiar to me...if only I could recall their faces!

During the day all the family, those that know about this, Glorfindel and I, have been checking on last minute preparations and testing the wine, ensuring the food will be ready, and testing the wine again, inspecting the bedroom plan, and re-checking the wine...just to make absolutely sure.

By shupper time - ahem - by supper time we are all nicely warmed up and ready for anything...well almost anything. And then the company from Mirkwood arrive. Elrond and I go to meet with them and...there she is...oh yes! The little peach of Mirkwood herself...Thranduil's daughter Serafir.

"Welcome, welcome," says Elrond putting on his host's hat.
I put on my seducer's one and go and meet the girlie.

"Serafir...I'm glad you could come." I say with my sweetest smile. (I know its my sweetest 'cos I've practised it in front of my mirror enough times.)

"But Carandol, you know I'd come for you any time."

Yeah, O.K. so I know her line sucks but I respond nonetheless by leering at her suggestively (another one I've practised).

"I'd like you to meet my dear brother, Legolas." She says turning around.

Just behind her stands 'dear brother, Legolas' looking at me with wide dark blue eyes and, oh no...is that drool coming from his mouth?

I put my hand on my breast in greeting and bow slightly. When I raise my head he is still staring at me and I begin to think I've got a foreign body hanging from my nose. And then I realize that he is the foreign body that would like to hang from me.

To be fair, the boy's even prettier than Serafir, and quite similar, superficially. Long fair hair, big blue eyes, tall and slender. Just right for the twins.

Elrond is still doing his good host bit and leads everyone inside. I follow behind Serafir, just for the view, you understand, and we all troop into the large hallway I g I glance behind me as I normally like to know what is going on in my nether regions...well, I am a trainee warrior after all. And Legolas is right there, eyes wide and mouth all pouting, moist, pink and luscious...

Wait a minute...let's get this right...Legolas is right there, eyes wide and mouth hanging open... forget pink and luscious. Right.

I turn back and face the front. As I said before, he's one of the sons I didn't meet when I was last in Mirkwood. In fact I always seem to not see him whenever I go there. Legolas always seems to be out hunting something or other, or talking to growing things or whatever. Don't get me wrong. This Elf may look sweet and innocent, if a little syrupy, but he has a reputation of being one fierce fighter. I think of this constantly as he follows behind me...just to reassure myself a little, you understand...

Actually, this does not work very well. I am far from reassured. And as I leave them with Elrond and Erestor and make for the dining room, I can't help but remember just how beautiful I thought he was when I first saw him.

Of course, that's only because he looks like his sister...naturally.

I decide I need a top-up drink and pour myself a large one without even looking at the la I s I swallow, a big one.

I cough.

I splutter.

I probably go red in the face but I can't see myself. I can't see anything much. Tears pour down my face and I wipe at my eyes desperately. Through the haze I see the label. What the...!

Someone has left a bottle of... Oh for Eru's sake!

I've just imbibed a huge quantity of... "Erestor's Special Mixture".

Red-coloured stuff...nasty smell...disgusting taste. Are you supposed to rub it on, or what?!

Erestor appears in the doorway and he's staring at me. I suppose his expression is shock. I can't be sure. Erestor has a unique collection of facial expressions and any one of them might be shock, or lust, or indigestion for that matter. So, Erestor looks...

...and looks...

...and looks.

And then comes towards me. Actually, he seems to glide towards me. Not good.

"What in Gorgoroth are you doing, Carandol?" He asks benignly. Almost.

"I've just drunk some of your 'Special Mixture'. What's it for, and will I live?" I ask, my throat somewhat sore.

"Oh, you'll live alright,e sae says. "I wondered when the twins would return it. Just as well it wasn't full," he adds and lifts the bottle to study the contents. He smiles. "They seem to have used quite a bit." So that's why the twins were quiet at breakfast. But his voice is too silky and he replaces the cork and secretes the bottle into a copious pocket inside his robe.

"Well?" I ask, waiting for the worst.

"Well, what?"

"What's it for?" Do I really want to know?

"What, this?" he asks, tapping his pocket.

Yes, you oily cretin, the linament stuff I've just poured down my throat.
"Erestor!" I try to sound menacing, but fail, wretchedly.

"Aphrodisiac."

"What?!" By the look on his face I know I'm in deep doo doos. "Please tell me you're joking." But as I say this I know he would not joke about...sex...well, not like this.

Erestor looks at me and I swear his eyes are darker than usual. Oh, no. Has he moved closer?

"Of course I'm not joking."

Told you.

"But you've had rather a lot, Carandol," he says and his smile is...chilling. "You're only supposed to have a thimble-full."

I groan.

"At least it does not take effect very quickly. I call it my slow burner."

"Burn is right, Erestor. I think my larynx is on fire."

"You'll start to notice a difference just after supper, I should think. For now, I'd drink quite a lot of water."

"Will that dilute the effect?" I ask hopefully.

"No, Carandol." He moves his body against me now. "But if you wanted to do any deep throating tonight your mouth won't hurt so much."

Only yesterday I was ridiculing his comments. Right now, I was scared...very scared, as dinner was fast approaching.


TBC...