Treebeard's Birthday Surprise

Title & Chapter Number: Treebeard’s Birthday Surprise; complete.
Author(s): Sinda
Type: Het
Pairing: Treebeard/Entwife
Rating: R
Disclaimer: This fan fiction was not written with the intent of financial gain, but solely for my own enjoyment and hopefully to entertain others. I have no claim on Tolkien’s work or characters but am merely borrowing them. All original concepts and characters are my property and may not be used without my permission.
Warnings: Ent sex
Betas:
Timeline: While the hobbits are with Treebeard
Author's Note: I know that this is warped, but I thought it would be a challenge
Spoilers: None
Summary: Treebeard gets a visit from an entwife for his birthday.
Feedback: Lannea2@yahoo.com I would appreciate any feedback I can get. Thanks.

Treebeard’s Birthday Surprise


“Treebeard, what’s wrong?” Pippin asked. “Ye seem a bit sad today.”

“Oh, well, I…suppose I am a…bit sad,” Treebeard said the words excruciatingly slow, as always.
Today is my…birth…day.”

“Your birthday?” Merry asked, confused. “Trees don’t have birthdays. A seed falls to the ground from another tree and it works its way into the soil. Eventually a seedling pops up and grows into a tree. How can you have a birthday?”

“Tree? I am no tree!” Treebeard reminded them rather loudly. “I am an ent!”

“Way to go, Merry,” Pippin said, annoyed. “Now we get the “I am an ent” speech again.”

“Hey, at least he’s not singing those stupid songs,” Merry muttered, quietly.

“Good point,” Pippin replied and happily shut up.

~~An hour later~~

“…and that is the…hrooooommmmm…difference between…a tree and an ent. Do you under…stand?”

“Yes! Yes!” the hobbits said in unison, wanting the lecture over.

“All right, little hobbits,” he continued. “Now that you understand the difference between… HARUMPPP …a tree and an ent. I shall tell you about the…entwives and how little ents are made.”

Merry looked at Pippin, panic on his face. “No, Treebeard, really! Can you tell us about… about…um…help me out here, Pippin…”

“Tell us about Tom Bombadil again,” Pippin smiled, proud of himself for thinking of something.

“Oh, no Pip, that’s just as bad,” Merry whispered, groaning. “He can talk about their wild days for hours!”

“I know that, Merry, but it’s got to be better than hearing about ent unions,” Pippin said solemnly.

“You’re right, Pip,” Merry whispered back, then spoke up, forcing a smile,” Yes, Treebeard. How about some of those exciting Tom Bombadil stories?”

“Now, let’s not be hasty…little…hobbit,” Treebeard drawled. “I haven’t finished…telling you where little ents…BARUUUUMMMMM…come from yet. You see, entwives aren’t built quite the same as ents…”

“Oh, Pippin, please make him stop!” Merry said, as his stomach became queasy. “I cannot listen to this!”

“I do not know how to make him stop, Merry. Once he gets going…” Pippin said, shrugging.

“I know, but I don’t know if I can stand it!” Merry had broken into a cold sweat. Pippin didn’t think his friend looked very good.

“…and then they stimulate each other…”

“Put me down, put me down, put me down…” Merry was saying now, suffering a full fledged panic attack. “Gotta get outta here…plug my ears, yes, I’ll plug my ears…”

Pippin smiled at Treebeard, a little embarrassed at Merry’s behavior. He didn’t really want the details himself, but he let Treebeard talk anyway. It made the ent happy. He watched Merry lean over a branch and vomit onto the ground. Poor Merry, he really wasn’t handling this well.

“and…then the ent’s…uh…stick…uh…begins to grow…”

“Ah, now I understand where the term, woody, comes from!” Pippin said, proud of himself.

Merry turned and heaved his second breakfast over a branch.

“Just tune it out, Merry, think about something else,” Pippin suggested, unflappable.

~~an hour later~~

“…then you have…HARUMMMMPPPP…a little…ent. Any questions?”

“NO!” the hobbits said in unison, both pale now.

“No, I think you’ve already told us more than we could ever possibly need to know about the birds and the bees…and the trees,” Pippin stated.

“Tree? I am no tree…” Treebeard began.

Merry hit Pippin in the arm, hard. “Way to go, Pip!”

The lecture was just finishing up when they heard a strange sound coming from the South. Treebeard stopped walking and perked up his ears.

“That sounds like…no, it can’t be…” he began to move faster, jostling the hobbits he was carrying as his stride increased. He had a determined look on his face that the hobbits had never seen before and they looked at each other, concerned.

“What’s happening, Merry?” Pippin asked, nervously.

“I don’t know, Pip,” Merry replied. “I’ve never seen him like this before.”

Treebeard finally came to a clearing and stopped dead in his tracks, a stunned expression on his face.

“It cannot be…” he said, looking at a tree that stood in the middle of the clearing.

“Pip, was that tree there before?”

“No, I do not think so, Merry. Where did it come from, I wonder?”

The tree suddenly opened its eyes and the hobbits realized that it was an ent, though it was smaller than Treebeard and it’s eyes were framed by dark lashes.

“An entwife?” Merry asked, grinning. “They’ve been lost for hundreds of years. Nobody has seen one since then.”

“No, really Merry?” Pippin couldn’t hold back the sarcasm. “I haven’t heard that story seven or eight times already.”

“Sorry, Pip,” Merry said.

Treebeard looked at the two hobbits in his hands and spoke again.

“I think you little hobbits had better run along. I’m going to be getting my…hhhooooommmmm…birthday gift here real soon and would like some… barrrrúm…privacy.”

He didn’t need to say it twice. The second he sat the hobbits down they scampered off, wanting to get far away before any ent romance began happening.

“I shall…come and find you…later,” Treebeard called after them before taking one giant step towards the entwife.

~~Three weeks later~~

“Pip, I’m really worried,” Merry said. “I can’t imagine what could have happened to Treebeard. Do you think he ran off with that entwife and forgot about us?”

“I don’t know, Merry. I don’t know what to do,” Pippin admitted. “I guess we shall just have to wait longer, unless you want to go see what’s happening.”

Merry looked at him in horror. “I could not do it, Pip. The thought of walking up on Treebeard while he’s having ent-ercourse, well, it’s just more than I can handle.”

Pippin grimaced and shuddered. “Then we’ll just have to wait.”

It was late that afternoon when the earthquake happened. Pippin and Merry both felt the tremors and watched as the ground began to shake. Nervously, they looked around as acorns began to shake loose from the tree they sat beneath and they had to cover their heads with their arms to keep from getting pelted.

“What’s happening, Merry?” Pippin yelled, scared.

“An earthquake, Pip. Watch out!” Merry yelled as a dead tree fell over, almost pulverizing Pippin.

“What should we do?” Pip asked, scared.

As if the earthquake wasn’t enough, a large wail sounded in the forest, causing the hair to stand up on the backs of both hobbits’ necks. The scream continued and the hobbits didn’t know where to go. They listened and suddenly Merry’s face paled.

“…aaaaaahhhhhhhhh Treebearddddddddd,” they heard. “Yyyyeeeessssss.”

“No,” Merry said, dazed, as the ground continued to move. “Please, no. Tell me it isn’t so.”

“Merry, is that what I think it is?” Pippin asked, eyes wide.

“Ugggg,” Merry answered, clutching his stomach. “Yes, Pippin, I believe we’ve just witnessed the culmination of three weeks of foreplay.”

“I don’t think they’re done yet,” Pippin replied, shaken.

“…hhhhrrrooooomm…who’s your…barrrruummmm.. daddy?” came the voice of treebeard through the forest.

It was too much for Merry, who proceeded to lose both his lunch and his second lunch into the bushes. His elevensies soon followed.

“Oh, Pippin, make it stop, please make it stop!” he cried, anguished as he covered his ears.

~~The next day~~

“Treebeard, you seem awfully quiet today,” Pippin noted. “Is everything all right.”

“Everything is fine, little hobbit,” he answered. “I’m just a bit tired.”

“I can’t imagine why,” Merry muttered.

“Well, it’s because…” he began.

“No, Treebeard, please!” Merry pleaded, tears in his eyes. “I know why. Please don’t tell me about it again!”

“All right, little hobbit. I suspect that you are a little…barrrruuummmm…jealous, but I understand.”

“Jealous, yes, that’s it. Please don’t tell me any more because it makes me feel bad,” Merry stated. “I know my…stick… will never compare to yours and it bothers me.”

“All right, little hobbit,” Treebeard replied. Merry sighed. It was over. Hopefully they wouldn’t have to hear the story any more. He honestly didn’t think he could stand to hear one more time about what great knots the entwife had. Now they could finish their trip south and get back to what they needed to do. What a relief.

“Now, I must rest…HARUMPPPPPP…little hobbits, before tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow, what’s tomorrow,” Pippin asked brightly.

“Tomorrow the entwife is coming back. Didn’t I tell you…barummm…that ent birthdays last ….HARUMPPPPPPPPPP… three months?”

Merry’s screams rang out through the night, causing all of Fangorn to wonder what terror had now been unleashed upon the forest.

The End