The Privy Predicament

Glorfindel shifted under the heavy fur , his body moving closer to Haldir as he started to wake. It was still very early morning and only a few bands of pale light streamed down through the treetops, striping the bed clothes in a glowing pattern of golden hue.
The golden Lord rolled over onto his back, feeling a bit uncomfortable. He had a most urgent need to relieve himself. He looked about the dim room for the obvious necessity, but did not see a pot or pan or anything that might his his very personal needs.

Glancing over at Haldir, the thought of waking the Galadhrim was set aside , for the beautiful March Warden was still deep in slumber and Glorfindel did not want to wake him simply for this.

Sliding his arm carefully from underneath Haldir’s shoulder, Glorfindel pushed himself up in the bed, glad to find that the vertigo had almost all but disappeared. Spurred on by his first victory of the day , and by the increasing pressure in his bladder, the golden Lord raised himself to sit and hang his feet over the edge of the pallet.

Laying his feet flat upon the slatted floor, Glorfindel pushed off the bed in an attempt to stand. However, as soon as his body left the mattress and started to rise, he felt his knees buckle underneath him, and flailed out his arms to catch himself as he tumbled into a very undignified heap upon the ground, the force of his fall resounding through the talan like the felling of giant Mallorn. Grasping at the bedclothes in an attempt to right himself, Glorfindel slumped back onto the ground, the effort and the humiliation all but exhausting him.

The echoing thud followed by Glorfindel’s moan of resignation woke Haldir with a start. He glanced to his side, finding only rumpled coverings. . . and one clinging hand.

“Eh, meleth?” he ventured cautiously, easing himself to the other side of the pallet where he found a very disgruntled golden Lord sprawled haphazardly upon his arse, muttering what wprobprobably curses in High Elvish beneath his breath.

Haldir could not help but chuckle at Glorfindel’s predicament, for the ancient Elf was most endearing and quite ruffled by the incident.

“You do realize, my love, that if you needed assistance, you need only have asked me,” Haldir informed him teasingly, a sparkle of mirth within the blue depths of his eyes. “There is only so much the Golden Wood can help you with.”

Glorfindel struggled to right himself , managing only prop up upon his elbows and glare indignantly at the March Warden. He failed to see any humor in this at all, in fact the jarring of his body only made the reason for his ungraceful dismount even more desperate.

"Well , I did not want to wake you just to announce I had to use the privy" Glorfindel looked about the spartan room and then back to Haldir. "If you have quite amused yourself meleth, perhaps you can show me where I might find such a convenience."

Haldir smirked at Glorfindel’s request and pressed his hand to his mouth, unsuccessfully trying to stifle a short, snorting bark of laughter.

“Forgive me fordingding your. . .eh. . .predicament amusing, meleth nin. . .” Haldir began, his voice tittering with the urge to burst into a fit of hysterics, “but we do not have privies in trees. . .”

He then nodded towards the edge of the talan. “But if you must relieve yourself, simply stand near that platform and. . .”

He then made a repetitive falling motion with one hand, flittering his fingers while engaging in the gesture and pursed his lips together to assuage the threat of laughter once more.

Glorfindel just stared at Haldir in utter disbelief. His wide -eyed expression no doubt amusing the March Warden to no end.

"You’re not joking are you?” The golden Lord narrowed his eyes at the tittering Galadhrim.

If it had not been such a desperate situation, Glorfindel might have had a few remarks to make about the evolution of plumbing in Middle Earth. But as it stood, he needed to relieve himself soon.

"Perhaps then, Haldir, you might be able to contain yourself long enough to help me to edge, lest I explode here from dalliance." Grabbing a hold of the bed clothes , Glorfindel attempted to pull himself up.

Somehow managing to contain his mirth, Haldir scooted over the other side of the bed and hopped to the ground beside Glorfindel, grasping the ancient elf by the wrists and pulling him to his feet. He then wound his arm around Glorfindel’s waist and draped the seneschal’s arm over his shoulders, walking him to the far end of the talan.

Seeing the look of utter mortification still gracing Glorfindel’s face, Haldir’s attitude mellowed a bit and he said sincerely, “are you going to be alright standing by yourself. . . or do you need me to help you? Do not be ashamed, meleth, for this sometimes happens to the best of us.”

Glorfindel looked over the edge of the talan, and in particular at the insane height that Haldir had chosen to dwell at, and his body swayed a bit. This was most embarrassing. How was he going to live here in the trees if he could not even steady his nerves long enough to empty his bladder?

With a loud exhalation Glorfindel steadied himself the best he could by spreading his legs and planting his feet firmly. By the moon and star I must look like an idiot, he thought, as he tried to maintain his balance and undo his laces at the same time.

In an effort to untangle a most annoying knot, Glorfindel over compensated and lost his balance, grabbing Haldir by the tunic to avoid tumbling over the side. With an exasperated huff, the golden Lord nimbly untied the remaining laces with his free hand, all the while holding onto the smirking Galadhrim.

“Do you need. . help, my love?” Haldir asked as Glorfindel shot him a most annoyed glare. “Oh, come now, meleth. . . I do not wish for you to fall and impale yourself upon a Mallorn branch while trying to. . .” Haldir arched one eyebrow. “ahem. . .well. . .”

" Just stand there and be quiet, this is most unnerving as it is. . .!" Glorfindel felt his patience with himself slipping with every second that passed.

Freeing himself at last from the confines of his far too complicated breeches, Glorfindel closed his eyes, and relieved his bladder with an audible moan. He seemed to be at it for quite some time, for he found that he had to shift his weigh part way through just stand upright.

Shaking himself once with a flick of his wrist, Glorfindel quickly tucked himself back in to his breeches, and pulled the laces closed not bothering to tie the annoying things.

Turning away from the edge of the platform , he placed a kiss gently on Haldir’s cheek before limping stiffly back to the bed, muttering over his shoulder, “ if you tell anyone about this, my love, I might have to cut out your tongue."

Haldir smirked with a snort. “Not a word,” he said with a mockingly solemn expression. “And now, if you are quite finished threatening my life, perhaps I could interest you in. . .a bit of exploration? I do know of an. . .herb. . . that may calm your rattled nerves, my love. I dare say you could use it after all you have been through as of late.”


Glorfindel sat down on the pallet and fell back in poof of feather mattress, the sheer relief of his physical need making him feel much better.

Exploring?? Herbs?

The golden Lord gazed up into the swaying Mallorn above him, mezmerized for a moment by the sheer beauty of this talan.
Not wanting to tear his eyes away, Glorfindel spoke to the open air above him. " I am open to most anything , my love, as long as it doest involve juggling my privates upon the edge of an unnaturally high platform."