LotR: with a funny twist
folder
-Multi-Age › General
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
3
Views:
694
Reviews:
1
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Category:
-Multi-Age › General
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
3
Views:
694
Reviews:
1
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
I do not own the Lord of the Rings (and associated) book series, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
The journey begins
Kia-chan: I would just like to inform that this is not an original story..I do not own and of the Lotr characters! So please do not flame me!..although flames about the personalities are welcome..those I have total responsibility over. You may or may not have already read this story on FF.net posted by my friend Rea-chan (who has also helped in the making of this story along with my friend Liz) Thank you
<3 enjoy!
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Chapter One-The Journey Begins
Sauron: (standing in the middle of a volcano oblivious to the immediate danger of being swallowed by a sea of boiling lava) Behold my ring! Isn't it pretty? I shall be the prettiest dark lord in the entire kingdom! Galadriel's got nothin' on me!
So Sauron decided to go out and show off his new ring to everyone and on his travels he came to the battle of the last alliance and the orcs.
Sauron:(strolling through the battle) Oh there's Elendil! Elendil! Yoo-hoo!
Elendil: What the hell?
Sauron: How do you like my new ring? Isn't it cool? More powerful than all the others don't ya know.
Elendil: *snickers* A dark lord wearing a ring? That is SO gay! HAHAHAHA!!!
Sauron: Bitch! *whacks Elendil with a cool big mace*
Elendil: Looks like team Elendil's blasting off agai-*splats to a well placed mountain*
Isildur: NOOO! Daddy you haven't told me about the birds and the bees yet! I must know! *points at Sauron* I'll get you! And your little one ring too!
Sauron: Ooh! I'm shaking in my little dark lord booties!
Isildur: *looks around* Hmmm.a weapon.a weapon* passes hand over a selection of a Bazooka, an AK47 and a broken sword* Ooh that one! * chooses sword and chops off Sauron's fingers*
Sauron: Oucha Magoucha!AHH CRAP!!THIS IS JUST GREAT!!NOW IM A FREAK OF NATURE!...I'LL HAVE TO TURN INTO A GIGANTIC EYEBALL AND STARE AT EVERYONE... *fingers fall to the ground as Sauron jumps around in pain crying for his mommy. Isildur picks up the ring*
Isildur: Ooh, shiny!
Sauron: Give that back!
Isildur: No!
Sauron: Give it!
Isildur: No!
Sauron: *whines*Come on! Give it back! It's MINE!
Isildur: No!
Sauron: I'm gonna hold my breath until you give back!
Isildur: Fine.
Sauron: Fine.
Isildur: OK then.
Sauron: I will!
Isildur: Go on then.
Sauron: Fine! *holds breath*
Isildur: *crosses arms and taps his foot*
Sauron: *continues holding breath for 5 minutes*
Isildur: Fine, have your stupid ring!
Sauron: *still holding breath*
Isildur: Here, take it!
Sauron: *holding breath but looks distressed. The ground begins to shake*
Isildur: Oh, dear.
Sauron: *EXPLODE*
And so the dark lord Sauron exploded creating a really cool shockwave that knocked everybody on their ass including ugly elf number five.
Isildur: Cool, the ring is mine now.
Elrond: Guess again.
Isildur: Huh?
Elrond: Follow me.
The two made their way up Mount-that-goes-Boom to the chamber where the ring was made.
Elrond: The ring must be destroyed so throw it there*points to the sea of lava*
Isildur: WHAT?!? Are you crazy? No.
Elrond: Why not?
Isildur: Because if I do the ring wouldn't be lost for centuries, be searched for by Sauron when he rises again and eventually make its way into the possession of a certain hobbit who will have to travel halfway around the world to this very spot to destroy the thing - not to mention him and his eight companions having all kinds of adventures on the way, learning things about themselves, and finding hidden strengths in themselves that they never knew that they had!
Elrond: Oh, come on, as if THAT could ever happen!
Isildur: Yeah now that I think about it - it does sound stupid. But I'm still keeping the ring so NYAH. Bye. *leaves*
Elrond: I'm gonna give him such a frownin' and in no way try to make him reconsider or try to take the ring and destroy it myself.
So then Isildur went walking by Mirkwood to find his family and settle down.
Isildur: *sings* 'Walkin' by Mirkwood to find my kids and settle down.'
Then he got shot by orcs.
Isildur: *Gets shot by orc arrows*AHH, CRAP! *dies, falls in the river and the ring slips from his finger and is lost*
So the ring was lost in the river, waiting for its master to stop doing his fingernails, rise again, and search for it
Last time Sauron forged the one ring blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda and the ring fell to the bottom of the river. And then.
Déagol: *fishing* I wish I had a bigger part in this story!
Author: Shhh! Stop! A character acknowledging that they're story characters in a fic is really unprofessional.
Déagol: Sorry.
Author: It's ok.
Déagol: Hey how come you don't talk in italics like before?
Author: *imploringly* Shut up, shut up, shut up!
Déagol: But-
Author: Get on with the story or face my wrath!
Déagol: Yikes! OK, OK, Fine, sheesh.*under breath* overdramatic blowhard!
Author: What was that?
Déagol: Uhhh.laminated Mew card?
Author: *raises eyebrow* All right then. Now on with the story.
Sméagol: Happy birthday to me, Happy birthday to me, Happy birthday dear Sméagol, Happy birthday to me!
Déagol: Oh, bugger! I forgot to buy him a present and if I don't give him anything he'll whine me to death. Must.*looks around*.escape! *dives into the river*
Sméagol: Why do people keep doing that today? Is it jump into the river to avoid giving Sméagol a present day too?
Déagol: *swimming along the riverbed and spots the ring* Glug! (Translation:Ooh, shiny!)*Surfaces and climbs up on the bank* what a great ring! I can wear it to Mardi Gras with my sequined dress. All the other drag queens would be, like, SO jealous because I'd be the prettiest Drag queen of them all! HAHAHAHA!
Sméagol: Is that my birthday present?
Déagol: NO!!!
Sméagol: But I want it! I want to be the purdyfullest drag queen!
Déagol: You could never be the prettiest with those hips, honey.
Sméagol: GIVE IT TO ME! *Jumps on Déagol, beats him to death with his handbag, and steals the ring* Now I need a gimmick. Lets see: my valuable? No. My priceless? No. My precioussssssss. Perfect! I can even do the snakey S thing too. *Throat makes Gollum noise* Uh-oh my throat infection's acting up again. Maybe I should see a doctor about it. Nah I think I'll just go off to some dank little cave in the mountains!
So he went and stayed in the cave for fine hundred years until Sauron finished his manicure and began to rise again and the ring (which is Eeeeevilllll) wanted to get back to him because it wanted to help him fulfill his dream of becoming the prettiest dark lord of them all. The ring left Gollum (as he was now called on the drag scene) and was on it's way back until.
Bilbo: *gets up from lying unconscious on the cave floor* Aww, screw it! Why is it every time I go out for a night on the town I wake up here? Last time I drink anything a person named Oakenshield gives me. Oww, my head. *Gropes about and finds the ring* Cool, think how many lap-dances I could get if I sold this baby.
Gollum: LOOOOSSSSTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!
Bilbo: Eep! Exit-stage right! *Runs off* Gandalf: *driving his cart through the shire singing* I want to be a girly- just like my dear papa.
Frodo: Yay! Gandalf! *Runs and tries to jump on the cart but trips* Whoa! *Falls in front of it and gets trampled by the horse and cart*
Gandalf: *cart bumps and jolts as it runs over Frodo* Stupid bumpy Shire roads.
Later...
Bilbo: Ah Gandalf old buddy, old pal! Good to see you again after so, so long.
Gandalf: You saw me last week.
Bilbo: No I didn't.
Gandalf: You did. Remember you were on your way to the shops and we had a chat. Then the heard of rampaging cows trampled you?
Bilbo: No...
Gandalf: And then on the way to the doctors trolls attacked us and you got pushed off the cliff?
Bilbo: * shakes head* Nuh-uh.
Gandalf: You fell into the river and went over the waterfall?
Bilbo: *shrugs*
Gandalf: You were wearing your red coat?
Bilbo: Oh! Last week! Of course!
Gandalf:...............
Bilbo: Anyway, enough with the formalities- it's too hot to be inside today. Do you want to go outside and have a smoke before the party?
Gandalf: Sure.
Outside...
Gandalf: *smells the tobacco Bilbo gives him* this smells weird, you sure it's tobacco?
Bilbo: Sure, I found it in Frodo's room.
In Frodo's room...
Sam: Come on Frodo- if we don't bring the weed tonight we won't get laid!
Frodo: I don't get it-it was here this morning.
Outside...(again)
Gandalf: Man, am I freakin' STONED.
Bilbo: *giggles and blows a rings of smoke*
Gandalf: *takes a deep drag on his pipe and blows a female stripper in a dominatrix outfit made out of smoke which grabs Bilbo's smoke ring. She then breaks the ring into a straight pole and begins dancing on it*
Bilbo: DUDE...SWEET!!!
Later at the party...
Frodo: *sitting alone singing to himself and drawing a birthday cake in the sand* Happy birthday to me, Happy birthday to me, Happy birthday dear Frodo, happy birthday to me.. *sadly* Make a wish Frodo. *attempts to blow out the candles on the cake in the sand* Damn, I'm not even good enough to blow out the candles on my birthday cake to myself.
Sam: *comes bursting through the door and runs up to Frodo* Tell me your wish and I'll make it come true!
Frodo: Oh! Wait a minute, I know what you're trying to do..
Sam: *sweating nervously* What would that be? *scratches head*
Frodo: You are trying to get me to tell you my wish so it won't come true!
Sam: Yeah.. Exactly, Uh. hey Frodo why don't you wear your birthday suit to Bilbo's party.
Frodo: IT'S MY PARTY TOO! But sure! *runs into room and emerges ten minutes later wearing his birthday suit*
Sam: That's a nice birthday suit you got there Fro-diddly-o. But it's not exactly what I meant.
Frodo: *wearing a pink outfit with pompoms and writing on the front that says happy birthday Frodo, crossed out Frodo and saying Jesus so it says happy birthday Jesus* Did you mean my orange one cause It's in the wash! Sorry.
Sam: Why does it say happy birthday Jesus?
Frodo: I had to use it for a Christmas party that I went to and it just didn't seem right to wear something that wasn't festive..
Sam: If you say so, let's get to the party so we can play naked scrabble, I mean. *runs away*
Frodo: He's been into the magic mushrooms again.
At the party.
Bilbo: Blah, blah, blah, I hate you all and hope you die horrible, painful deaths.
Audience: *stare*
Bilbo: Oops...stupid Freudian slips...Er...bye!
Frodo: Wha?
Bilbo: *slips on ring and disappears*
Audience: ..............................YAAAYY! *Begins partying ecstatically*
Frodo: Gandalf! Where'd he go?
Gandalf: Oh hell...um...*puts on a fake accent* I no speaka de engrilish! Adios! *Runs off*
Frodo: That's weird I could have sworn he was Gandalf especially because of that badge he was wearing saying" HeLLo I'm GaNdAlF tHe WiZzArD"° Oh well, let me think-If I was invisible where would I be? I know.
Author: I don't really have much to say in this one do I? Must be all the drugs *gets another injection* Lalalala.
Frodo: *bursts into the girl's changing room* don't take off your clothes!
Girls: Pervert! Get him!
Frodo: *gulps*
Back at Bag End Gandalf and Bilbo are having a fight.
Gandalf: LEAVE THE RING HERE!
Bilbo: NO! You want my precious for yourself don't you -you pointy-headed twit!
Gandalf: Don't make me angry Bilbo -you wouldn't like me when I'm angry...*a green light shines in his eyes and he becomes big, muscley and green* RAAGGHHHH! GANDALF SMASH, GANDALF BASH.GRRRRRRR.
Bilbo: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! *Drops the ring and runs through the front door leaving a Bilbo-shaped hole*
Gandalf: *goes back to normal* That's better... *picks up the ring* Hang on, he did the precious thing. This ring is bad...* holds ring up to his face and frowns at it* I'm on to you-you don't scare me!
Fiery eye thing that appears from time to time from ring: Boo!
Gandalf: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! *Runs out the door throwing the ring to Frodo who was on his way into Bag End but had stopped due to injuries acquired in the girl's changing room and to look at the Bilbo shaped hole* The ring's yours. I'm off to hide in terror-I mean...uh...HEY LOOK A BIG DISTRACTING THING!!!
Frodo: Where? *Looks around frantically*
Gandalf: *runs*
Frodo: Aww, nuts, not again...
Frodo: * returns from a night of boozing with Sam, walks in to Bag End to see the window open and stuff scattered around* What's going on here? Hey someone's been sitting in my chair and they broke it. Someone's been sleeping in my bed. Someone's been EATING MY PORRIDGE!
Goldilocks: *comes out of the shadows behind Frodo, whacks him over the head and runs out the door* Easier than the bears! *bumps into something big, brown and furry*
Bears: *extends claws like cats do*
Frodo: *gets up rubbing head and goes to the door*
Goldilocks: OH SWEET GOD THE PAIN!!!!!!!
Frodo: Serves you right, bitch! *closes the door and is grabbed from behind again*
Gandalf: Is it secret? Is it safe?
Frodo: What, the ring?
Gandalf: No. My pension.
Frodo: Oh, sure, I got it done at the bank. *holds out the bank statement*
Gandalf: My preciousssss pensssion...*cuddles it* Oh, by the way, the ring is actually the evil One Ring created by the dark lord Sauron, look...*grabs ring and throws it in the fire and shows the ring writing on it*
Frodo: Nifty!
Gandalf: It is in an ancient language that says something that goes like this. I don't remember what it says exactly but I know it has something to do with the ring being able to control lots of people and bring pain and stuff. or was it recipe for liver and tripe. either way it's bad
Frodo: Okayyy.
Gandalf: Now you have to go on a perilous quest to destroy it.
Frodo: Nothin' to it but to do it.
Gandalf: Good, now-*something rustles outside the window, Gandalf tiptoes to the window and whacks whatever is outside over the head with his staff*
Sam: Ouchies! *gets dragged in by Gandalf*
Frodo: Sam! How could you violate my privacy? You're fired!
Sam: What you talkin' `bout Mr. Frodo?
Frodo: Aww that's so cute! You're rehired and you can come with me on my quest. *goes off to pack*
Sam: The fool! I knew exactly what he was talkin' `bout.
Gandalf: You go to Bree while I visit Saruman and I'll meet you there. Toodle-do! *rides off*
Frodo: Now the adventure starts, my friend-off we go!
Sam: Well, that's original!
Frodo: What's that supposed to mean?
Sam: Nothing. *whispers under his breath* Two-bit hack.
Frodo: What was that???
Sam: Nothing. Come on, let's go. *they head off*
So Gandalf went off to visit the head of his order-Saruman the White.
Gandalf: *enters Isengard and sees Saruman coming down the stairs of the tower Orthanc*
Saruman: Well, Gandalf, times must be bad indeed if you come looking for my help-* trips on his dress*
Saruman: IT'S A ROBE!!! [Author: Oh, fine then...] *trips on his [DEL: dress :DEL] robe and falls down the stairs* Ow. Pain. God that hurts. Ouch. My brittle old man spine! *gets up trying to retain as much dignity as possible* I am not talking to you!
Gandalf: Why not?
Saruman: You never call, you never write, you never return my calls!
Gandalf: I'm a busy man.
Saruman: *pouts*
Gandalf: I'm really sorry.
Saruman: All right, come in.
They go inside.
Gandalf: Hey that's a Palantír!
Saruman: Yeah. It's really cool. Want a go?
Gandalf: No. It's too dangerous.
Saruman: Pussy. *waves a hand over the orb* Yo! Pick up D.
In Minas Tirith.
Denethor: Hello?
Saruman: WASSUPPPPP!
Denethor: WASSSSSSUPPP! Who's that with you?
Gandalf: WASSSSUUPPPP!
Denethor: WASSSSSSUPPP!
Saruman: WASSUPPPPP!
Denethor: Hey, Boromir, have a go on my palantír.
Boromir: Can't, Dad, I have to go to Imladris.
Denethor: I SAID have a go.
Boromir: Sheesh fine. Hello?
Saruman: WASSUPPPPP!
Gandalf: WASSSSUUPPPP
Boromir: WASSSSSSSAAPPP!
Gandalf: WASSSSUUPPPP
Denethor: WASSSSSSUPPP!
Saruman: WASSUPPPPP!
Sauron: THAT IS ENOUGH!!!
Denethor+Boromir: AHHHHHHH!!!! *run*
Sauron: Saruman, shouldn't you be capturing Gandalf?
Saruman: Yes, Master, I'll get that fool for you.
Gandalf: I am standing right here, you know.
Saruman: *bashes him over the head with his staff*
Gandalf: Ouch! MORTAL KOMBAT! *throws staff at Saruman like a spear*
Saruman: *dodges like in the Matrix, back flips and tries to hit Gandalf by doing the staff thing he did in movie but nothing happens, Saruman hits the staff off his hand* Damn thing! I put batteries in last week. Duracell keeps going and going and going my ass!
Gandalf: *jumps in the air and does the matrix kick to Saruman but seeing that he just hangs in the air for a couple of minutes Saruman steps out of the way and he goes flying through a wall*
Saruman: Gandalf...*pants like Darth Vader* Now the circle is complete. Join the dark side!
Gandalf: Why should I?
Saruman: Because... *dramatic pause* I am your father.
Gandalf: Really? Cool! Now we can go hunting and fishing and do some father/son bonding. Gimme a hug, daddy! *hugs Saruman*
Saruman: *takes a syringe out from his [DEL: dress :DEL] robe and injects Gandalf*
Gandalf: Nighty-night...*keels over*
Saruman: Yay! Now I have a new roof ornament! *takes Gandalf up to the roof and leaves him there*
Back to Frodo and Sam.
Frodo: Are we there yet?
Sam: No!
Frodo: Are we there yet?
Sam: No!
Frodo: Are we there yet?
Sam: No!
Frodo: Are we there yet?
Sam: No!
Frodo: Are we there yet?
Sam: No!
Frodo: Are we there yet?
Sam: No!
Frodo: Are we there yet?
Sam: No!
Frodo: Are we there yet?
Sam: No!
Frodo: Are we there yet?
Sam: No!
Frodo: Are we there yet?
Sam: No!
Frodo: Are we there yet?
Sam: NOOOOOOO!!!!!!! (A/N:Isn't copy and paste fun?!?)
Frodo: *singing* If you're looking for the John and the John is gone, be a fag, use a bag.
Sam: *squatting in a near by stalk of corn with a large bag clipped to he pants* What did you say about my crap bag Frodo?
Frodo: Crap Bag?
Sam: Yeah I invented it, I've been selling them all over the Shire. You simply clip them to the inside of your pants and the bottom of your shirt and you can crap in the run. The crap will fall into the bag. All you have to do is change it once a month!
Frodo: Can I have one? I think I had an accident.
Merry and Pippin: *emerge from the corn behind Frodo*
Sam: AAAAHHHHHHH! IT'S THE CHILDREN OF THE CORN!
Frodo: What are you two doing here?
Merry: We have to be here.
Pippin: Yeah! We're the comic relief, duh.
Merry: But we were stealing vegetables from the rich and-
Sam: Giving them to the poor?
Pippin: God no! Where's the profit in that?
Farmer Maggot: Whut in tarnation? Get outta my dog gone field!
Merry: Leg it! *runs*
They run and in classic comically style the first stops himself running off a cliff only to have the other bump into him and they all fall.
Frodo: *lands on Sam* Sam, what is that sticking into my back?
Sam: Oh... *rummages in between his front and Frodo's back and pulls out a carrot* This is.
Frodo: Okay.... Sam, is there another carrot back there?
Sam: No. Why?
Frodo: SICK! *jumps up* Get off the road! * Sam, Frodo and Merry run off the road but Pippin stays*
Merry: I think I've broken something. *reaches around in his pants* My crap bag! That was a Ralph Lauren original!
Frodo Let me just double check while I'm at it. *Reaches around in pants* One...two. oh dear. guys I seem to have misplaced me balls. one moment *walks away and returns ten minutes later* Wit'it's final, I'll have to go to the store and find some more of these. *pulls out two brightly coloured balls* I just hope they have pink left.
Pippin: *eating mushrooms* Hmmmm, magical...
Frodo: Get off the road, Pippin!
Pippin: Why, thoug- *gets hit by a car and goes flying into the air and lands in the ditch beside the others*
Frodo: That's why.
Merry: Shush, something's coming.
Two Black Riders come trotting up the road.
Black Rider 1: *In a cheerleader accent* and I was like, Ohmigod, Sauron found out that the Ring was so TOTALLY in the Shire, and then I told Kelly, and she was all like `Ohmigod', and I was like `Ohmigod', and then we went and told Brittany and you'll never guess what she said!
Black Rider 2: Ohmigod?
Black Rider 1: Ohmigod, like totally, girlfriend!
Black Rider 2: Like, how `bout we do our super wicked cool Sauron victory cheer?
Black Rider 1:Great idea. *both get out pom-poms and start to sing*
Hey Sauron!
(Sung to the tune of Hey Mickey)
Hey Sauron you're so bad,
You're so bad you make us glad,
Hey Sauron, hey hey, hey Sauron.
Hey Sauron you're so bad,
You're so bad you make us glad,
Hey Sauron,
Ooh ooh ooh
Oh Sauron you're so evil,
You crush the realm of man
You put fear into their hearts,
And ya' kill `em when ya' can
Oh Sauron you're so nasty,
Not to mention cruel,
You've always had the mastery
And you'll crush those little fools
Hey Sauron you're so bad,
You're so bad you make us glad,
Hey Sauron, hey hey, hey Sauron.
Hey Sauron you're so bad,
You're so bad you make us glad,
Hey Sauron,
Ooh ooh ooh
It's dark lords like YOU Sauron
And what you do Sauron, do Sauron,
You're really cool Sauron!
Hey Sauron you're so bad,
You're so bad you make us glad,
Hey Sauron, hey hey, hey Sauron.
Hey Sauron,
Frodo: My ears, My beautiful ears!
Merry: *throwing up*
Pippin: *unconscious from shock*
Sam: *dancing to funky beat*
Frodo: *punches Sam* Stop that!
Sam: Awwwww.
Ringwraiths: Hey Sauron you're so bad,
You're so bad you make us glad,
Hey Sauron, hey hey, hey Sauron.
Hey Sauron you're so bad,
You're so bad you make us glad,
Hey Sauron,
See? Scary aren't they?
Frodo: * Covering his ears* AHHHHHHHH I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE!!! *Jumps out of the ditch where the hobbits are hiding and runs to where the Ringwraiths are singing* SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UPPPPPPPPPP
Ringwraith 1(Mimi): How rude!
Ringwraith 2(Amanda): Get him!
Frodo: Zoiks! *Flees the scene with Sam, Merry and Pippin pursued by Mimi and Amanda* AHHHHHHH WE'RE ALL GONNA' DI- ooh is that a penny? * Stops to pick it up*
Pippin: *Runs to the river ferry* Oh! A method of crossing this river that we can easily use to escape those two things- how convenient. Huh? *Sees that Frodo has stopped* Run Frodo run!
Frodo: What? *Looks over his shoulder and sees the Ringwraiths* Oh yeah I forgot *Runs to the leaving Ferry*
Merry: Jump Frodo!
Frodo:t.
t.
Pippin: Jump Frodo jump!
Frodo: * jumps to the ferry*
Sam: He's gonna make it.
Willy (from Free Willy): *jumps out of the water, hits Frodo in mid-air and crushes him when they land back in the water*
Frodo: Can I have my pudding now? * Starts to sink*
Sam, Merry and Pippin: *Hauls Frodo onto the ferry and escape*
Mimi: This is SO second age! Come on there's a sale on at the mall anyway. * Leaves with Amanda*
At the village of Bree.
Hobbits: *standing the rain outside Bree* How the bloody hell did we get here?
Author: *shrugs shoulders*
Merry: Oh let's just go inside. *They knock at gate*
Gatekeeper: Hold on please. I am but an old man-my eyes are dim, my back is bent, my feet are knobbly, my ears are knackered and my nose is hairy. Who's there?
Frodo: Four hobbits.
Gatekeeper: And your names are.?
Frodo: I.don't.know. S'cuse me for a moment. * Runs back to the others* Ok the name Baggins shouldn't be used.
Pippin: Yeah you're right it is a pretty stupid name.
Frodo: Hey
Merry: I agree it has got a very gay sound to it.
Frodo: Merry!
Sam: Well I think it is a lovely name.
Frodo: Thanks Sam.
Sam: * winks at him*
Frodo: Ewww. Anyway we shouldn't use the name Baggins.
Pippin: Why? What's wrong with using the name BAGGINS.Why shouldn't we use YOUR REAL NAME FRODO BAGGINS.
Frodo: *glares at him*
Pippin: OH dear THAT disease, WHICH'S name I can't REMEMBER at THIS time AND IS causing ME to HAVE no CONTROL over THE volume OF my VOICE is ACTING up AGAIN. * Nervously*Hehehehehe.
Five minutes later
Frodo: Help! Somebody has beat the living crap out of our Friend Pépé *points to unconscious Pippin wearing a fake set of glasses, nose and moustache*
Gatekeeper: What's your name?
Frodo: Er. Under.pants!
Sam: Hill.
Frodo: Uhhh.yeah. Underhill.. Underhill's the name.
Gatekeeper: All right. Go in.
Later at the Dancing Croney.
Tavern Patrons: CHUG CHUG CHUG!
Merry and Sam: *both guzzling down jugs of beer the size of the their heads*
Frodo: Excuse me?
Barliman: Was that you little guy? Phew you stink *Holds nose* you should be excusing yourself!
Frodo: Whatever. Look is Gandalf here?
Barliman: Who?
Frodo: Gandalf- you know the wizard.
Barliman: Lemme check *looks at the reservations*hmmm wizards. Merlin, Rincewind, Clow Reed nope! No Gandalf the Wizard here.
Frodo: Oh dear he said he'd be here *sniffs* I can't believe he stood me up.
Barliman: Rightttt.
Frodo: Oh hang on who's that staring at me over there?
Barliman: Who? Him? Isn't that one of the hobbits that's with you? Oh look now he's drooling.
Sam: *staring amorously at Frodo*
Frodo: Ewww. *Shudders* No not him the dark and mysterious one over there.
The dark and mysterious one over there: Grrrr I am dark and mysterious.
Barliman: Oh that's Strider.
Frodo: Right HEY YOU*starts to walk in Striders direction* KNOCK IT OFF WITH THE STARING- whoa *slips on a banana skin*
Author: *Eating a Banana* Oops.
Frodo: * falls on the floor and the ring goes flying in the air*
Sam: Hey a bet you a dollar that the rings doesn't land on his finger.
Merry: You're on!
Frodo: * rings lands on finger and he disappears*
Sam: Aww nuts * throws a dollar at Merry*.
Frodo: *in the wraith world* Windy here isn't it?
Eye of Sauron: Boogie Boogie Boogie. I spy with my big fiery eye.
Frodo: AHHHHHHH *takes off the ring, goes back to the normal world and is grabbed and dragged up to another room*
Strider: Bad Frodo! Bad! Don't be using that ring!
Frodo: Strider! What do you want with me?
Strider: Are you frightened?
Frodo: I've soiled myself.
Strider: Okay maybe you're a bit too frightened. Sam, Merry and a quite drunk Pippin burst through the door.
Pippin: Hi there Frodo [Hic], dark mysterious guy and, [hic], and all you pink elephants.
Merry: *whispers to Sam* I think he's talking to you.
Sam: I am NOT an elephant- I have a glandular problem and I think pink looks good on me.
Strider: *sniggers*
Sam: Something funny? *raises fists* I'll 'ave you, Longshanks!
Strider: *bursts out laughing*
Sam: *lunges at him*
Later that night.
Ringwraiths: *burst into the Dancing Crony and make their way into a room where four small beds are laid out with people in them*
Ringwraiths 1, 2, 3 and 4: *raise swords posed to strike and stab the hell out of the beds*
Ringwraith 1: Die ugly bed upholstery!
Ringwraith 2: You're existence is an affront to fashion!
Ringwraith 3: You make Brittany Spears' fashion sense look fantastic!
Ringwraith 4: Um. you smell funny! *Gets patronising looks from the other three* what? You guys took all the good things to say.
Ringwraith 5: *comes mincing into the room* Ladies did you find them?
Ringwraith 1: Oh yeah. the halflings.um.
Ringwraith 4: Oh, we thought they were asleep in these beds so we started stabbing them with our swords but it turned out they had just put their pillows under the covers to trick us. I'd say they're long gone by now.
Ringwraith 1: *whispers to number 4* Good save. We forgive your not having anything derisive to say about the bed upholstery.
Ringwraith 5: Oh well! Let's get outta here- there's ANOTHER sale at the Mall!
All: Hooray!!!
In a room across the street
Strider: *staring at a hot, sexy chick undressing across the street*
Frodo: What is it you're looking at, Strider?
Strider: Um . *looks around for something else to be looking at* uh.look, the Ringwraiths have attacked the Inn, we better high-tail it out of here tomorrow.
Pippin: * still drunk, starts running around in circles with his head looking over his shoulder* hehheehehehehehehheh.
Strider: What is it now?
Pippin: We don't have tails, silly.
Merry: Or do we...? * His eyes move shiftily left to right*
Sam: No he's right! We don't have tails. well I don't.
Merry: Me neither.
Strider: Or me.
Frodo: If you guys don't have a tail then why do I have this thing.*bends over to reveal a small curly pig's tail* You knew, Sam. That's what you were looking at the whole time we were walking here right.
Sam: Yeeaahh. that's it. I was staring at your tail.
Pippin: * starts stretching Frodo's tail * curly. Straight.. curly... Straight.
The four hobbits and Strider leave the next morning with everyone walking behind Frodo and looking at his tail.
Frodo: Would everyone please stop staring at my tail and that includes you, Sam!
Sam: *drooling* Tail?? Oh yeah, I'm sorry for staring at your tail.
Pippin: *who is now hung over* shut up! My head is killing me! What did I do last night?
Merry: You mean you don't remember a thing?
Pippin: Sure I do...*imagining*...
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Kia-chan: Please read and review..and read the second chappie!
<3 enjoy!
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Chapter One-The Journey Begins
Sauron: (standing in the middle of a volcano oblivious to the immediate danger of being swallowed by a sea of boiling lava) Behold my ring! Isn't it pretty? I shall be the prettiest dark lord in the entire kingdom! Galadriel's got nothin' on me!
So Sauron decided to go out and show off his new ring to everyone and on his travels he came to the battle of the last alliance and the orcs.
Sauron:(strolling through the battle) Oh there's Elendil! Elendil! Yoo-hoo!
Elendil: What the hell?
Sauron: How do you like my new ring? Isn't it cool? More powerful than all the others don't ya know.
Elendil: *snickers* A dark lord wearing a ring? That is SO gay! HAHAHAHA!!!
Sauron: Bitch! *whacks Elendil with a cool big mace*
Elendil: Looks like team Elendil's blasting off agai-*splats to a well placed mountain*
Isildur: NOOO! Daddy you haven't told me about the birds and the bees yet! I must know! *points at Sauron* I'll get you! And your little one ring too!
Sauron: Ooh! I'm shaking in my little dark lord booties!
Isildur: *looks around* Hmmm.a weapon.a weapon* passes hand over a selection of a Bazooka, an AK47 and a broken sword* Ooh that one! * chooses sword and chops off Sauron's fingers*
Sauron: Oucha Magoucha!AHH CRAP!!THIS IS JUST GREAT!!NOW IM A FREAK OF NATURE!...I'LL HAVE TO TURN INTO A GIGANTIC EYEBALL AND STARE AT EVERYONE... *fingers fall to the ground as Sauron jumps around in pain crying for his mommy. Isildur picks up the ring*
Isildur: Ooh, shiny!
Sauron: Give that back!
Isildur: No!
Sauron: Give it!
Isildur: No!
Sauron: *whines*Come on! Give it back! It's MINE!
Isildur: No!
Sauron: I'm gonna hold my breath until you give back!
Isildur: Fine.
Sauron: Fine.
Isildur: OK then.
Sauron: I will!
Isildur: Go on then.
Sauron: Fine! *holds breath*
Isildur: *crosses arms and taps his foot*
Sauron: *continues holding breath for 5 minutes*
Isildur: Fine, have your stupid ring!
Sauron: *still holding breath*
Isildur: Here, take it!
Sauron: *holding breath but looks distressed. The ground begins to shake*
Isildur: Oh, dear.
Sauron: *EXPLODE*
And so the dark lord Sauron exploded creating a really cool shockwave that knocked everybody on their ass including ugly elf number five.
Isildur: Cool, the ring is mine now.
Elrond: Guess again.
Isildur: Huh?
Elrond: Follow me.
The two made their way up Mount-that-goes-Boom to the chamber where the ring was made.
Elrond: The ring must be destroyed so throw it there*points to the sea of lava*
Isildur: WHAT?!? Are you crazy? No.
Elrond: Why not?
Isildur: Because if I do the ring wouldn't be lost for centuries, be searched for by Sauron when he rises again and eventually make its way into the possession of a certain hobbit who will have to travel halfway around the world to this very spot to destroy the thing - not to mention him and his eight companions having all kinds of adventures on the way, learning things about themselves, and finding hidden strengths in themselves that they never knew that they had!
Elrond: Oh, come on, as if THAT could ever happen!
Isildur: Yeah now that I think about it - it does sound stupid. But I'm still keeping the ring so NYAH. Bye. *leaves*
Elrond: I'm gonna give him such a frownin' and in no way try to make him reconsider or try to take the ring and destroy it myself.
So then Isildur went walking by Mirkwood to find his family and settle down.
Isildur: *sings* 'Walkin' by Mirkwood to find my kids and settle down.'
Then he got shot by orcs.
Isildur: *Gets shot by orc arrows*AHH, CRAP! *dies, falls in the river and the ring slips from his finger and is lost*
So the ring was lost in the river, waiting for its master to stop doing his fingernails, rise again, and search for it
Last time Sauron forged the one ring blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda and the ring fell to the bottom of the river. And then.
Déagol: *fishing* I wish I had a bigger part in this story!
Author: Shhh! Stop! A character acknowledging that they're story characters in a fic is really unprofessional.
Déagol: Sorry.
Author: It's ok.
Déagol: Hey how come you don't talk in italics like before?
Author: *imploringly* Shut up, shut up, shut up!
Déagol: But-
Author: Get on with the story or face my wrath!
Déagol: Yikes! OK, OK, Fine, sheesh.*under breath* overdramatic blowhard!
Author: What was that?
Déagol: Uhhh.laminated Mew card?
Author: *raises eyebrow* All right then. Now on with the story.
Sméagol: Happy birthday to me, Happy birthday to me, Happy birthday dear Sméagol, Happy birthday to me!
Déagol: Oh, bugger! I forgot to buy him a present and if I don't give him anything he'll whine me to death. Must.*looks around*.escape! *dives into the river*
Sméagol: Why do people keep doing that today? Is it jump into the river to avoid giving Sméagol a present day too?
Déagol: *swimming along the riverbed and spots the ring* Glug! (Translation:Ooh, shiny!)*Surfaces and climbs up on the bank* what a great ring! I can wear it to Mardi Gras with my sequined dress. All the other drag queens would be, like, SO jealous because I'd be the prettiest Drag queen of them all! HAHAHAHA!
Sméagol: Is that my birthday present?
Déagol: NO!!!
Sméagol: But I want it! I want to be the purdyfullest drag queen!
Déagol: You could never be the prettiest with those hips, honey.
Sméagol: GIVE IT TO ME! *Jumps on Déagol, beats him to death with his handbag, and steals the ring* Now I need a gimmick. Lets see: my valuable? No. My priceless? No. My precioussssssss. Perfect! I can even do the snakey S thing too. *Throat makes Gollum noise* Uh-oh my throat infection's acting up again. Maybe I should see a doctor about it. Nah I think I'll just go off to some dank little cave in the mountains!
So he went and stayed in the cave for fine hundred years until Sauron finished his manicure and began to rise again and the ring (which is Eeeeevilllll) wanted to get back to him because it wanted to help him fulfill his dream of becoming the prettiest dark lord of them all. The ring left Gollum (as he was now called on the drag scene) and was on it's way back until.
Bilbo: *gets up from lying unconscious on the cave floor* Aww, screw it! Why is it every time I go out for a night on the town I wake up here? Last time I drink anything a person named Oakenshield gives me. Oww, my head. *Gropes about and finds the ring* Cool, think how many lap-dances I could get if I sold this baby.
Gollum: LOOOOSSSSTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!
Bilbo: Eep! Exit-stage right! *Runs off* Gandalf: *driving his cart through the shire singing* I want to be a girly- just like my dear papa.
Frodo: Yay! Gandalf! *Runs and tries to jump on the cart but trips* Whoa! *Falls in front of it and gets trampled by the horse and cart*
Gandalf: *cart bumps and jolts as it runs over Frodo* Stupid bumpy Shire roads.
Later...
Bilbo: Ah Gandalf old buddy, old pal! Good to see you again after so, so long.
Gandalf: You saw me last week.
Bilbo: No I didn't.
Gandalf: You did. Remember you were on your way to the shops and we had a chat. Then the heard of rampaging cows trampled you?
Bilbo: No...
Gandalf: And then on the way to the doctors trolls attacked us and you got pushed off the cliff?
Bilbo: * shakes head* Nuh-uh.
Gandalf: You fell into the river and went over the waterfall?
Bilbo: *shrugs*
Gandalf: You were wearing your red coat?
Bilbo: Oh! Last week! Of course!
Gandalf:...............
Bilbo: Anyway, enough with the formalities- it's too hot to be inside today. Do you want to go outside and have a smoke before the party?
Gandalf: Sure.
Outside...
Gandalf: *smells the tobacco Bilbo gives him* this smells weird, you sure it's tobacco?
Bilbo: Sure, I found it in Frodo's room.
In Frodo's room...
Sam: Come on Frodo- if we don't bring the weed tonight we won't get laid!
Frodo: I don't get it-it was here this morning.
Outside...(again)
Gandalf: Man, am I freakin' STONED.
Bilbo: *giggles and blows a rings of smoke*
Gandalf: *takes a deep drag on his pipe and blows a female stripper in a dominatrix outfit made out of smoke which grabs Bilbo's smoke ring. She then breaks the ring into a straight pole and begins dancing on it*
Bilbo: DUDE...SWEET!!!
Later at the party...
Frodo: *sitting alone singing to himself and drawing a birthday cake in the sand* Happy birthday to me, Happy birthday to me, Happy birthday dear Frodo, happy birthday to me.. *sadly* Make a wish Frodo. *attempts to blow out the candles on the cake in the sand* Damn, I'm not even good enough to blow out the candles on my birthday cake to myself.
Sam: *comes bursting through the door and runs up to Frodo* Tell me your wish and I'll make it come true!
Frodo: Oh! Wait a minute, I know what you're trying to do..
Sam: *sweating nervously* What would that be? *scratches head*
Frodo: You are trying to get me to tell you my wish so it won't come true!
Sam: Yeah.. Exactly, Uh. hey Frodo why don't you wear your birthday suit to Bilbo's party.
Frodo: IT'S MY PARTY TOO! But sure! *runs into room and emerges ten minutes later wearing his birthday suit*
Sam: That's a nice birthday suit you got there Fro-diddly-o. But it's not exactly what I meant.
Frodo: *wearing a pink outfit with pompoms and writing on the front that says happy birthday Frodo, crossed out Frodo and saying Jesus so it says happy birthday Jesus* Did you mean my orange one cause It's in the wash! Sorry.
Sam: Why does it say happy birthday Jesus?
Frodo: I had to use it for a Christmas party that I went to and it just didn't seem right to wear something that wasn't festive..
Sam: If you say so, let's get to the party so we can play naked scrabble, I mean. *runs away*
Frodo: He's been into the magic mushrooms again.
At the party.
Bilbo: Blah, blah, blah, I hate you all and hope you die horrible, painful deaths.
Audience: *stare*
Bilbo: Oops...stupid Freudian slips...Er...bye!
Frodo: Wha?
Bilbo: *slips on ring and disappears*
Audience: ..............................YAAAYY! *Begins partying ecstatically*
Frodo: Gandalf! Where'd he go?
Gandalf: Oh hell...um...*puts on a fake accent* I no speaka de engrilish! Adios! *Runs off*
Frodo: That's weird I could have sworn he was Gandalf especially because of that badge he was wearing saying" HeLLo I'm GaNdAlF tHe WiZzArD"° Oh well, let me think-If I was invisible where would I be? I know.
Author: I don't really have much to say in this one do I? Must be all the drugs *gets another injection* Lalalala.
Frodo: *bursts into the girl's changing room* don't take off your clothes!
Girls: Pervert! Get him!
Frodo: *gulps*
Back at Bag End Gandalf and Bilbo are having a fight.
Gandalf: LEAVE THE RING HERE!
Bilbo: NO! You want my precious for yourself don't you -you pointy-headed twit!
Gandalf: Don't make me angry Bilbo -you wouldn't like me when I'm angry...*a green light shines in his eyes and he becomes big, muscley and green* RAAGGHHHH! GANDALF SMASH, GANDALF BASH.GRRRRRRR.
Bilbo: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! *Drops the ring and runs through the front door leaving a Bilbo-shaped hole*
Gandalf: *goes back to normal* That's better... *picks up the ring* Hang on, he did the precious thing. This ring is bad...* holds ring up to his face and frowns at it* I'm on to you-you don't scare me!
Fiery eye thing that appears from time to time from ring: Boo!
Gandalf: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! *Runs out the door throwing the ring to Frodo who was on his way into Bag End but had stopped due to injuries acquired in the girl's changing room and to look at the Bilbo shaped hole* The ring's yours. I'm off to hide in terror-I mean...uh...HEY LOOK A BIG DISTRACTING THING!!!
Frodo: Where? *Looks around frantically*
Gandalf: *runs*
Frodo: Aww, nuts, not again...
Frodo: * returns from a night of boozing with Sam, walks in to Bag End to see the window open and stuff scattered around* What's going on here? Hey someone's been sitting in my chair and they broke it. Someone's been sleeping in my bed. Someone's been EATING MY PORRIDGE!
Goldilocks: *comes out of the shadows behind Frodo, whacks him over the head and runs out the door* Easier than the bears! *bumps into something big, brown and furry*
Bears: *extends claws like cats do*
Frodo: *gets up rubbing head and goes to the door*
Goldilocks: OH SWEET GOD THE PAIN!!!!!!!
Frodo: Serves you right, bitch! *closes the door and is grabbed from behind again*
Gandalf: Is it secret? Is it safe?
Frodo: What, the ring?
Gandalf: No. My pension.
Frodo: Oh, sure, I got it done at the bank. *holds out the bank statement*
Gandalf: My preciousssss pensssion...*cuddles it* Oh, by the way, the ring is actually the evil One Ring created by the dark lord Sauron, look...*grabs ring and throws it in the fire and shows the ring writing on it*
Frodo: Nifty!
Gandalf: It is in an ancient language that says something that goes like this. I don't remember what it says exactly but I know it has something to do with the ring being able to control lots of people and bring pain and stuff. or was it recipe for liver and tripe. either way it's bad
Frodo: Okayyy.
Gandalf: Now you have to go on a perilous quest to destroy it.
Frodo: Nothin' to it but to do it.
Gandalf: Good, now-*something rustles outside the window, Gandalf tiptoes to the window and whacks whatever is outside over the head with his staff*
Sam: Ouchies! *gets dragged in by Gandalf*
Frodo: Sam! How could you violate my privacy? You're fired!
Sam: What you talkin' `bout Mr. Frodo?
Frodo: Aww that's so cute! You're rehired and you can come with me on my quest. *goes off to pack*
Sam: The fool! I knew exactly what he was talkin' `bout.
Gandalf: You go to Bree while I visit Saruman and I'll meet you there. Toodle-do! *rides off*
Frodo: Now the adventure starts, my friend-off we go!
Sam: Well, that's original!
Frodo: What's that supposed to mean?
Sam: Nothing. *whispers under his breath* Two-bit hack.
Frodo: What was that???
Sam: Nothing. Come on, let's go. *they head off*
So Gandalf went off to visit the head of his order-Saruman the White.
Gandalf: *enters Isengard and sees Saruman coming down the stairs of the tower Orthanc*
Saruman: Well, Gandalf, times must be bad indeed if you come looking for my help-* trips on his dress*
Saruman: IT'S A ROBE!!! [Author: Oh, fine then...] *trips on his [DEL: dress :DEL] robe and falls down the stairs* Ow. Pain. God that hurts. Ouch. My brittle old man spine! *gets up trying to retain as much dignity as possible* I am not talking to you!
Gandalf: Why not?
Saruman: You never call, you never write, you never return my calls!
Gandalf: I'm a busy man.
Saruman: *pouts*
Gandalf: I'm really sorry.
Saruman: All right, come in.
They go inside.
Gandalf: Hey that's a Palantír!
Saruman: Yeah. It's really cool. Want a go?
Gandalf: No. It's too dangerous.
Saruman: Pussy. *waves a hand over the orb* Yo! Pick up D.
In Minas Tirith.
Denethor: Hello?
Saruman: WASSUPPPPP!
Denethor: WASSSSSSUPPP! Who's that with you?
Gandalf: WASSSSUUPPPP!
Denethor: WASSSSSSUPPP!
Saruman: WASSUPPPPP!
Denethor: Hey, Boromir, have a go on my palantír.
Boromir: Can't, Dad, I have to go to Imladris.
Denethor: I SAID have a go.
Boromir: Sheesh fine. Hello?
Saruman: WASSUPPPPP!
Gandalf: WASSSSUUPPPP
Boromir: WASSSSSSSAAPPP!
Gandalf: WASSSSUUPPPP
Denethor: WASSSSSSUPPP!
Saruman: WASSUPPPPP!
Sauron: THAT IS ENOUGH!!!
Denethor+Boromir: AHHHHHHH!!!! *run*
Sauron: Saruman, shouldn't you be capturing Gandalf?
Saruman: Yes, Master, I'll get that fool for you.
Gandalf: I am standing right here, you know.
Saruman: *bashes him over the head with his staff*
Gandalf: Ouch! MORTAL KOMBAT! *throws staff at Saruman like a spear*
Saruman: *dodges like in the Matrix, back flips and tries to hit Gandalf by doing the staff thing he did in movie but nothing happens, Saruman hits the staff off his hand* Damn thing! I put batteries in last week. Duracell keeps going and going and going my ass!
Gandalf: *jumps in the air and does the matrix kick to Saruman but seeing that he just hangs in the air for a couple of minutes Saruman steps out of the way and he goes flying through a wall*
Saruman: Gandalf...*pants like Darth Vader* Now the circle is complete. Join the dark side!
Gandalf: Why should I?
Saruman: Because... *dramatic pause* I am your father.
Gandalf: Really? Cool! Now we can go hunting and fishing and do some father/son bonding. Gimme a hug, daddy! *hugs Saruman*
Saruman: *takes a syringe out from his [DEL: dress :DEL] robe and injects Gandalf*
Gandalf: Nighty-night...*keels over*
Saruman: Yay! Now I have a new roof ornament! *takes Gandalf up to the roof and leaves him there*
Back to Frodo and Sam.
Frodo: Are we there yet?
Sam: No!
Frodo: Are we there yet?
Sam: No!
Frodo: Are we there yet?
Sam: No!
Frodo: Are we there yet?
Sam: No!
Frodo: Are we there yet?
Sam: No!
Frodo: Are we there yet?
Sam: No!
Frodo: Are we there yet?
Sam: No!
Frodo: Are we there yet?
Sam: No!
Frodo: Are we there yet?
Sam: No!
Frodo: Are we there yet?
Sam: No!
Frodo: Are we there yet?
Sam: NOOOOOOO!!!!!!! (A/N:Isn't copy and paste fun?!?)
Frodo: *singing* If you're looking for the John and the John is gone, be a fag, use a bag.
Sam: *squatting in a near by stalk of corn with a large bag clipped to he pants* What did you say about my crap bag Frodo?
Frodo: Crap Bag?
Sam: Yeah I invented it, I've been selling them all over the Shire. You simply clip them to the inside of your pants and the bottom of your shirt and you can crap in the run. The crap will fall into the bag. All you have to do is change it once a month!
Frodo: Can I have one? I think I had an accident.
Merry and Pippin: *emerge from the corn behind Frodo*
Sam: AAAAHHHHHHH! IT'S THE CHILDREN OF THE CORN!
Frodo: What are you two doing here?
Merry: We have to be here.
Pippin: Yeah! We're the comic relief, duh.
Merry: But we were stealing vegetables from the rich and-
Sam: Giving them to the poor?
Pippin: God no! Where's the profit in that?
Farmer Maggot: Whut in tarnation? Get outta my dog gone field!
Merry: Leg it! *runs*
They run and in classic comically style the first stops himself running off a cliff only to have the other bump into him and they all fall.
Frodo: *lands on Sam* Sam, what is that sticking into my back?
Sam: Oh... *rummages in between his front and Frodo's back and pulls out a carrot* This is.
Frodo: Okay.... Sam, is there another carrot back there?
Sam: No. Why?
Frodo: SICK! *jumps up* Get off the road! * Sam, Frodo and Merry run off the road but Pippin stays*
Merry: I think I've broken something. *reaches around in his pants* My crap bag! That was a Ralph Lauren original!
Frodo Let me just double check while I'm at it. *Reaches around in pants* One...two. oh dear. guys I seem to have misplaced me balls. one moment *walks away and returns ten minutes later* Wit'it's final, I'll have to go to the store and find some more of these. *pulls out two brightly coloured balls* I just hope they have pink left.
Pippin: *eating mushrooms* Hmmmm, magical...
Frodo: Get off the road, Pippin!
Pippin: Why, thoug- *gets hit by a car and goes flying into the air and lands in the ditch beside the others*
Frodo: That's why.
Merry: Shush, something's coming.
Two Black Riders come trotting up the road.
Black Rider 1: *In a cheerleader accent* and I was like, Ohmigod, Sauron found out that the Ring was so TOTALLY in the Shire, and then I told Kelly, and she was all like `Ohmigod', and I was like `Ohmigod', and then we went and told Brittany and you'll never guess what she said!
Black Rider 2: Ohmigod?
Black Rider 1: Ohmigod, like totally, girlfriend!
Black Rider 2: Like, how `bout we do our super wicked cool Sauron victory cheer?
Black Rider 1:Great idea. *both get out pom-poms and start to sing*
Hey Sauron!
(Sung to the tune of Hey Mickey)
Hey Sauron you're so bad,
You're so bad you make us glad,
Hey Sauron, hey hey, hey Sauron.
Hey Sauron you're so bad,
You're so bad you make us glad,
Hey Sauron,
Ooh ooh ooh
Oh Sauron you're so evil,
You crush the realm of man
You put fear into their hearts,
And ya' kill `em when ya' can
Oh Sauron you're so nasty,
Not to mention cruel,
You've always had the mastery
And you'll crush those little fools
Hey Sauron you're so bad,
You're so bad you make us glad,
Hey Sauron, hey hey, hey Sauron.
Hey Sauron you're so bad,
You're so bad you make us glad,
Hey Sauron,
Ooh ooh ooh
It's dark lords like YOU Sauron
And what you do Sauron, do Sauron,
You're really cool Sauron!
Hey Sauron you're so bad,
You're so bad you make us glad,
Hey Sauron, hey hey, hey Sauron.
Hey Sauron,
Frodo: My ears, My beautiful ears!
Merry: *throwing up*
Pippin: *unconscious from shock*
Sam: *dancing to funky beat*
Frodo: *punches Sam* Stop that!
Sam: Awwwww.
Ringwraiths: Hey Sauron you're so bad,
You're so bad you make us glad,
Hey Sauron, hey hey, hey Sauron.
Hey Sauron you're so bad,
You're so bad you make us glad,
Hey Sauron,
See? Scary aren't they?
Frodo: * Covering his ears* AHHHHHHHH I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE!!! *Jumps out of the ditch where the hobbits are hiding and runs to where the Ringwraiths are singing* SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UPPPPPPPPPP
Ringwraith 1(Mimi): How rude!
Ringwraith 2(Amanda): Get him!
Frodo: Zoiks! *Flees the scene with Sam, Merry and Pippin pursued by Mimi and Amanda* AHHHHHHH WE'RE ALL GONNA' DI- ooh is that a penny? * Stops to pick it up*
Pippin: *Runs to the river ferry* Oh! A method of crossing this river that we can easily use to escape those two things- how convenient. Huh? *Sees that Frodo has stopped* Run Frodo run!
Frodo: What? *Looks over his shoulder and sees the Ringwraiths* Oh yeah I forgot *Runs to the leaving Ferry*
Merry: Jump Frodo!
Frodo:t.
t.
Pippin: Jump Frodo jump!
Frodo: * jumps to the ferry*
Sam: He's gonna make it.
Willy (from Free Willy): *jumps out of the water, hits Frodo in mid-air and crushes him when they land back in the water*
Frodo: Can I have my pudding now? * Starts to sink*
Sam, Merry and Pippin: *Hauls Frodo onto the ferry and escape*
Mimi: This is SO second age! Come on there's a sale on at the mall anyway. * Leaves with Amanda*
At the village of Bree.
Hobbits: *standing the rain outside Bree* How the bloody hell did we get here?
Author: *shrugs shoulders*
Merry: Oh let's just go inside. *They knock at gate*
Gatekeeper: Hold on please. I am but an old man-my eyes are dim, my back is bent, my feet are knobbly, my ears are knackered and my nose is hairy. Who's there?
Frodo: Four hobbits.
Gatekeeper: And your names are.?
Frodo: I.don't.know. S'cuse me for a moment. * Runs back to the others* Ok the name Baggins shouldn't be used.
Pippin: Yeah you're right it is a pretty stupid name.
Frodo: Hey
Merry: I agree it has got a very gay sound to it.
Frodo: Merry!
Sam: Well I think it is a lovely name.
Frodo: Thanks Sam.
Sam: * winks at him*
Frodo: Ewww. Anyway we shouldn't use the name Baggins.
Pippin: Why? What's wrong with using the name BAGGINS.Why shouldn't we use YOUR REAL NAME FRODO BAGGINS.
Frodo: *glares at him*
Pippin: OH dear THAT disease, WHICH'S name I can't REMEMBER at THIS time AND IS causing ME to HAVE no CONTROL over THE volume OF my VOICE is ACTING up AGAIN. * Nervously*Hehehehehe.
Five minutes later
Frodo: Help! Somebody has beat the living crap out of our Friend Pépé *points to unconscious Pippin wearing a fake set of glasses, nose and moustache*
Gatekeeper: What's your name?
Frodo: Er. Under.pants!
Sam: Hill.
Frodo: Uhhh.yeah. Underhill.. Underhill's the name.
Gatekeeper: All right. Go in.
Later at the Dancing Croney.
Tavern Patrons: CHUG CHUG CHUG!
Merry and Sam: *both guzzling down jugs of beer the size of the their heads*
Frodo: Excuse me?
Barliman: Was that you little guy? Phew you stink *Holds nose* you should be excusing yourself!
Frodo: Whatever. Look is Gandalf here?
Barliman: Who?
Frodo: Gandalf- you know the wizard.
Barliman: Lemme check *looks at the reservations*hmmm wizards. Merlin, Rincewind, Clow Reed nope! No Gandalf the Wizard here.
Frodo: Oh dear he said he'd be here *sniffs* I can't believe he stood me up.
Barliman: Rightttt.
Frodo: Oh hang on who's that staring at me over there?
Barliman: Who? Him? Isn't that one of the hobbits that's with you? Oh look now he's drooling.
Sam: *staring amorously at Frodo*
Frodo: Ewww. *Shudders* No not him the dark and mysterious one over there.
The dark and mysterious one over there: Grrrr I am dark and mysterious.
Barliman: Oh that's Strider.
Frodo: Right HEY YOU*starts to walk in Striders direction* KNOCK IT OFF WITH THE STARING- whoa *slips on a banana skin*
Author: *Eating a Banana* Oops.
Frodo: * falls on the floor and the ring goes flying in the air*
Sam: Hey a bet you a dollar that the rings doesn't land on his finger.
Merry: You're on!
Frodo: * rings lands on finger and he disappears*
Sam: Aww nuts * throws a dollar at Merry*.
Frodo: *in the wraith world* Windy here isn't it?
Eye of Sauron: Boogie Boogie Boogie. I spy with my big fiery eye.
Frodo: AHHHHHHH *takes off the ring, goes back to the normal world and is grabbed and dragged up to another room*
Strider: Bad Frodo! Bad! Don't be using that ring!
Frodo: Strider! What do you want with me?
Strider: Are you frightened?
Frodo: I've soiled myself.
Strider: Okay maybe you're a bit too frightened. Sam, Merry and a quite drunk Pippin burst through the door.
Pippin: Hi there Frodo [Hic], dark mysterious guy and, [hic], and all you pink elephants.
Merry: *whispers to Sam* I think he's talking to you.
Sam: I am NOT an elephant- I have a glandular problem and I think pink looks good on me.
Strider: *sniggers*
Sam: Something funny? *raises fists* I'll 'ave you, Longshanks!
Strider: *bursts out laughing*
Sam: *lunges at him*
Later that night.
Ringwraiths: *burst into the Dancing Crony and make their way into a room where four small beds are laid out with people in them*
Ringwraiths 1, 2, 3 and 4: *raise swords posed to strike and stab the hell out of the beds*
Ringwraith 1: Die ugly bed upholstery!
Ringwraith 2: You're existence is an affront to fashion!
Ringwraith 3: You make Brittany Spears' fashion sense look fantastic!
Ringwraith 4: Um. you smell funny! *Gets patronising looks from the other three* what? You guys took all the good things to say.
Ringwraith 5: *comes mincing into the room* Ladies did you find them?
Ringwraith 1: Oh yeah. the halflings.um.
Ringwraith 4: Oh, we thought they were asleep in these beds so we started stabbing them with our swords but it turned out they had just put their pillows under the covers to trick us. I'd say they're long gone by now.
Ringwraith 1: *whispers to number 4* Good save. We forgive your not having anything derisive to say about the bed upholstery.
Ringwraith 5: Oh well! Let's get outta here- there's ANOTHER sale at the Mall!
All: Hooray!!!
In a room across the street
Strider: *staring at a hot, sexy chick undressing across the street*
Frodo: What is it you're looking at, Strider?
Strider: Um . *looks around for something else to be looking at* uh.look, the Ringwraiths have attacked the Inn, we better high-tail it out of here tomorrow.
Pippin: * still drunk, starts running around in circles with his head looking over his shoulder* hehheehehehehehehheh.
Strider: What is it now?
Pippin: We don't have tails, silly.
Merry: Or do we...? * His eyes move shiftily left to right*
Sam: No he's right! We don't have tails. well I don't.
Merry: Me neither.
Strider: Or me.
Frodo: If you guys don't have a tail then why do I have this thing.*bends over to reveal a small curly pig's tail* You knew, Sam. That's what you were looking at the whole time we were walking here right.
Sam: Yeeaahh. that's it. I was staring at your tail.
Pippin: * starts stretching Frodo's tail * curly. Straight.. curly... Straight.
The four hobbits and Strider leave the next morning with everyone walking behind Frodo and looking at his tail.
Frodo: Would everyone please stop staring at my tail and that includes you, Sam!
Sam: *drooling* Tail?? Oh yeah, I'm sorry for staring at your tail.
Pippin: *who is now hung over* shut up! My head is killing me! What did I do last night?
Merry: You mean you don't remember a thing?
Pippin: Sure I do...*imagining*...
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Kia-chan: Please read and review..and read the second chappie!