Xia- MSTed

NOT MINE!!! This monstrosity belongs to driretlan.
Now, this may be hypocritical. I have fuelled some of my own monsters in my time. But this....
Welcome to Nefthoron's first ever MST. Because I just couldn't resist.

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Xia (now, on first impression, I believed this to be the name of the Mary-Sue. How wrong I was. The Mary-Sue has a much stupider name.)

Disclaimer: Includes characters based on the books “The Lord of the Rings” so plez (please) don’t sue me. (No, I won't sue you for using other people's characters. I will sue you for putting poor Legolas through such hell, and for, well, scarring me for life.)


Legolas had just arrived at Rivendal (Rivendell?) for a meeting with Elron (Elrond?).

(How come Mary-Sue writers can never spell? I'm sure people wouldn't mind them so much if they weren't so grammatically incorrect...)

He was led to his room by a very breath-taking elvish n win with long stands of blond hair that trailed down to her waist that seemed to flow around her body very swiftly like a cloud, large eyes of green that where like inviting pools of emerald heaven, she was wearing a light gown of white lace that accentuated her powerful figure.

(Here we go. The description. Why are Mary-Sues never normal human beings? To quote Shakespeare, "I swear I never saw a Goddess go; my mistress, when she walks, treads on the ground." How is one very "breath-taking"? Surely you would either be so, or not so. Well, at least there's not been a mention of 'she-elf' yet. Although, Legolas is probably going to shortly drown in "emerald pools of heaven", which I'm sure will be "very breath-taking" for him.)

Syndrillia (Syphillis?) was the younger sister of Arwin (Arwen?). Leogolas (oh, good Lord above.) had never realized how beautiful she was until to day (today?) he was hypnotized as he watched her lead the way to his living quarters during his stay.

(That name looks so like syphillis. Poor Arwin. I bet Arwen's been teasing her for years about her oddly-spelled name. And as for poor Leogolas, I hear Legolas shot him between the eyes last year. This bad-fic writer hasn't seemed to have heard of this yet. I'm not even going to ask about what happened to my good friend the comma.)

As they entered the room Legolas had to make sure this was not the only time they would see each other while he was in Rivendal (sigh) “Syndrillia (*Syphillis*?)…would you like to meet me tonight to go for a walk?” “Well that sounds lovely…I’ll see you tonight then.” “You shall indeed my lady… you shall indeed.” She swept out of his room rather pleased that the hansom (handsome?) Logolas (hehehehe) had asked her for a walk the smile never left her face that day.

(Poor poor commas, what'cha gonna do? Things look bad for you, hey, what'cha gonna do? Also, I'm wondering if Rivendal is close to Rivendell... it'll generally considered nice to leave paragraph space in-between speech as well... and I'd definitely like to be there the day that the handsome Legolas meets the hansom Logolas. Can we say catfight?)

The day could not pass quick enough for her (just like this fic cannot pass quick enough for me), just the thought of being alone with Legolas at night the thought made her heart leap with joy (this sentence makes me heart sink in sorrow.). “Arwin! (oh dear) You’ll never guess what happened!” Exclaimed Syndrillia (SYPHILLIS?)

(Nothing to say. Feeliing dizzy at odd sentence structure.)

“What sister?” “Legolas has requested that I accompany him tonight for a walk!” “Well that is lovely sister he is one of the finest elvish archers known to our people.” “Well yes and he is incredibly sweet, not to mention very hansom…very…very…very” “Yes I understand sister he is very hansom indeed.”

(This author is very stupid... very............ very. Grammar abuse. Can we see Arwin really caring that Syphillis is going out for walkies with hansom Logolas? She's probably going into the woods to screw Aragon. Or argue with Elron about marrying him.)

For the hour previous to Legolas’s arrival Syndrillia (*SYPHILLIS?*) was deeply interested in every line, crease, seam, everything that was imperfect with her appearance. When he arrived she hastily forgot about the seams of her gown and began to pay attention to his clothes, eyes, face, body and everything about him was just so…perfect.

(I thought she was a perfect superbeing? Oh, well, at least she has complexes like the rest of us. It would be nice if she had a pimple or a bit of cellulite, though. But don't they make such a sickeningly nasty couple? The question is, which one's prettier? It depends on whether Leggy's got his tiara on.)

Walking into Syndrillia’s (....syphillis...) room Legolas was taken a-back (instead of being taken a-forward, or even being taken short (ehehe))by her beauty; (ooh, lookit, a semi-colon) her eyes glowing in the lights of her dimly lit room, the tight fitting lacey (lacy?) gown that showed off her full curves, her long glistening blond hair. The only thing that was going through her mind was wow, why did I never think to ask her out before!

(Girls, you've all been deluding yourselves, because Legolas is, in fact, ding-ding, a WOMAN! Syphillis has glowy eyes, too, I can see that being freaky. Obviously she also has greasy hair, of a snail's been in it, by the way it's glistening. And isn't 'ask her out' not very, well, ya know, Middle-Earthian? Bit of a newfangled phrase?)

“Well you look absolutely breath taking tonight Syndrillia (syphillis....)” breathed Legolas “Why thank you look rather hansom (heh) yourself, ohh…and by the was (WHAT?) you can call me Syn!” She replied with a daring look. “Well shall we been on our way my lady” (oh good, they've been, the fics over. THank God in heaven.) “We shall!” exclaimed Syn as she wrapped both arms around one of his.

(Ugh, and she's CLINGY, too. Someone go anve Lve Legolas from her. Please God. Or someone. In my country, Britain, a 'was' is actually slang for taking a leak, so. Hm. Let's not go there. Grammar death. Punctuation mass-slaughter. 'Nuff said.)

They walked out of the living quarters and out to the surrounding forests. The night was cool, the stars where (were?) out, the smells of the flowers and trees where (were) fresh, and this could be no more perfect for either of them. “How did the meeting go with Father and the other (the other what? bird? tree? river? armpit?) today?” inquired Syn. “Well, I am to accompany the hobbits and the others on a quest to Mordore (BOOM!) to destroy Sauron’s ring” and at that note Syn became very still and quite (what? smelly?) . After many moments of silence he spoke agen (again?) “I’m sorry, but, I promise on my life that I will retune (please retune your Logolas today) to you once the ring has been destroyed.” The only thing Syn could think to say was… “Will you stay with me tonight?” “Yes… anything you wish.” “That is good”

(Punctuation and grammatical mass-slaughter, again. Logolas is going to screw Syphillis, and she saw that it was good. Isn't just enough for you to want to get a sex change, Leggy? Oh, whoops, too late. Mordore!!! BOOM!!!!)

The two walked around for what seemed like hours deeply engaged in conversations of life on the travel and life in Rivendal (I'm tired of this now.). The hour was of midnight (was it now?)when they has (BOOM! flying tenses!) returned to Syn’s room “Well this is where I’ll leave you my lady” said Legolas (good boy. Walk away...) “Well that is not to be so” replied Syn “What do you mean?” Legolas looked at Syn with some confusion “You said that you would stay with me tonight” Syn smiled at his reaction to her words, (you SLAG!) he gave her a look of surveying look from her head to foot. “What would you have me do my lady?” he finally responded “ Me” Syn said simply (SLAAAAAAAAG!!!!)

(SLAAAAAAAAAAAG!!!! SYPHILLIS IS A SLAG!)

“What?” “I love you Legolas” these words had a great affect on Legolas, he no longer wanted to go on the quest, all he wanted was to stay with her here and never leave. (You wet bugger, you.) He knew that that was not possible and that he was going to have to leave, but, he had tonight to spend with Her (I told you.), with Syn. “I love you to Syndrillia (SYPHILLIS!)” their eyes where locked and Legolas leaned over to kiss her. Syn grabbed hold Legolas’s waist and pulled him quickly to her own body. They began to kiss hard with Syn pinned to the wall by Legolas’s body.

(Ewww. Ewww. Scarred. Stop it, Legolas! Ack, my eyes! They're burning! And I've given up on this person's grammar.)

He shock of her grabbing him soon wore off Legolas as the silkiness of Syn’s luscious lips (CLICHE ALERT!!!) locked on to his, her tongue slid into his mouth. Just the warmth of her tongue made his mind race and his body stiffen (ooh-ah, naughty), he increased the pressure of his body against hers. The increased weight of his body against hers made her release a sigh of pleasure (really?). She began to place kisses all over his face her hot breath hit his ears and at that instance Legolas lost what ever control he managed to still have intact after her breath hit his sensitive elvin (god no.) ears.

(Elvin? Elvin? Good lord. Poor misguided commas.)

Legolas wrapped his arms around Syn’s waist and lifted her. As Legolas lifted Syn off of her feet she wrapped her long legs around him tightly. Legolas carried Syn into room and carefully placed her on the bed, that at this time was so inviting and soon to be very necessary. Kissing passionately Legolas traced his hands over Syn’s hips, up her stomach, and resting to cup her breasts. He squeezed her breasts firmly. As they continued to kiss Syn moved her from Legolas’s face, to his arms, over her his hips and stopped, they only stopped to search for the buckle of his belt for the sole reason to rip it off. When Legolas felt Syns attempt to remove his pants, it made him hot! His manhood grew into a great bulge in his trousers. In her search for his belt Syn stumbled upon the steadily growing member, this turned her on so much more that she thought she would burst! Syn found the buckle and ripped at it freeing him from the barrier that lied between her and her love.

(I feel sick. I can't even look over this to pick out evil spellings. Apostrophes, commas, full stops and semi-colons would all have been helpful in this paragraph. Classic line: "his manhood grew to a great bulge in his trousers". No sex change there then.)

With Legolas’s pants on the floor Syn was free to caress him the way she had wanted for so long. (I thought they only just met?) The palm of her had (is this a tense or a spelling error? choices, choices...) glided over the head of his member as her fingers closed themselves on his rock solid shaft. Her touch was enchanting; Legolas quivered as she caressed him slowly. Legolas undid the buttons that held Syn’s dress on her shoulders, he pulled the dress off and cast it aside along his his shirt. He lied (laid) atop her completely naked she was wearing a mire bra and panties. He kissed her breasts through her bra she moaned slightly. Legolas unlocked the hooks of Syn’s bra and threw it aside, her bear ((chortle)) breasts now exposed nipples becoming erect. Legolas nibbled on her nipples as he slid her panties down her legs.

(Hm. There wont be hooks for bras in them days. She has bear breasts.... on a human body. And she has to wear a mire bra and panties too? Well. Not so perfect then.)

Finally they lie together naked bodies tangled together passionately engaged in each other. Legolas positioned himself overtop Syn, he looked intr far face, cheeks flushed red, lips swollen, and her eyes wild with passion. Legolas began to kiss down Syn’s body, her neck, chest, rib cage, belly, and stopped at her pubic area. He put his hands on her knees and spread her legs gently.

(NO!!! NO!!! STOP THERE!!! PLEASE- oh, wait. It's over. ^_^ Yay!!!)


Author's note: I'm not sure if I'm going to do another chapter or not. (please don't) I originally wrote this story for my friend who is in love with Orlando Bloom/Legolas. (your friend? Please. Don't make me laugh. That's the first excuse a Mary-Suer uses.) Plez R&R
(well, girl, I'm sure you don't really want them to. If they think anything like me, anyway.)

Nefthoron's Note: Well, I hope I amused you all a little. Apologies to the author... no, wait, I don't apologise. Don't torture me with your Mary-Sues! And if you write another chapter... well, let's just say I'll be waiting. Heh.