The Naked Elf Treatment

Disclaimer: I do not own the dolls I am playing with, but I will give them back
Note: this fic is part of the first wave of the Slashlords Fuh-Q-Fest challenge
Pairing: Haldir/Eomer/Faramir
Rating: NC-17? R?
Summary: Eomer and Faramir lust after each other. But they are blind to the obvious fact. Haldir has a cunning plan and a big heart.
Warning: excessive use of adjectives, really bad choice of words: shouldn’t you rather avoid reading this? Don’t complain to me I didn’t warn you.
Archive: Slashlords FQF: of course, all others: a polite question will be enough.

THE NAKED ELF TREATMENT

By Sophia Moon


Were they blind?

Haldir had spend several days in the company of his two human travelling companions and he seriously started to ask himself questions about their ability to notice even the most obvious things. Of course he had learned soon enough that Man was not nearly as observant as Elf, but this was all out ridiculous. Less then a week ago he had encountered the two Men, who were, just like him, travelling the lands to satisfy curiosity and learn about what lived among its peoples. This were, after all, strange and dangerous times. So why not travel some of the distance in company of the Men? A decision that had proven wise, because much indeed was to be learned, even if the answers gave way to just more questions. For Men proved to be even more outlandish than the stories he had heard as an Elfling.

They were Faramir, second son to the steward of Gondor, and Eomer, kinsman to the king of Rohan. Both pleasantly enough looking men, considering the fact they were not Elves, and both very much in lust with each other. It had taken Haldir no more than a full day to be absolutely sure of the mutual attraction between the two, although the fact itself was obvious within an hour or so. And it had taken him another day to realise they did not act upon this desire, because they had no idea about the other or, and that was really the strangest fact of all, about themselves. Why did Eomer not realise Faramir was looking at him with eyes that blatantly said: Come here, big boy and ride me unthe khe king of Gondor returns? And how, in name of the Valar, could Eomer be oblivious to the fact that he stared at Faramir like he could devour him whole? If all human’s were this ignorant, how did they ever manage to beget so many children, and how did one take care of the need that was so much part of the lives of all living things? Did they not have rituals? Was there a lack of easy to interpret signals?

Yes, this Men could learn a thing or two about the mating habits of Elves. One didn’t have to be rude or badly mannered to make one’s intentions clear. What was more easy than to make a passing remark about a long and firm arrow? To ask, oh so innocently, about how good a archer thought his aim was? There was always a braid that needed some adjustment, or the stitches of a robe that just had to be admired from really close by. And if by some chance two more than usual shy Elves became interested in each other, but were, due to their aforementioned shyness, unable to do anything about it, there were always others to come to their aid. What would be more easy than to give two archers the task to defend a part of the border where no Orc was ever spotted? After a few days boredom would perform miracles on the innocents. And if that didn’t do the trick, there was always the “would you both be so kind to get some wine from the cellar of our beloved lord Celeborn, ooops, I accidentally locked you in and I can’t find the key” method. Or variations thereof. No, if two Elves were meant to be together, they were going to be together. Any hindrance between an adult Elf and the fulfilling of wou would be dealt with in the most radical and appropriate way. Because eternity would be an awful long time for most Elves if it wasn’t for the pleasant company of one, two or more lovers.

After observing the men for dayaldialdir came to his conclusion: they needed his guidance as badly as saplings needed the tender care of an Ent. From what he had seen so far, it would be a daunting task, but he was a Lorien Elf and those were the kind not easily put off by a firm challenge. He represented the wise and gentle lady Galadriel and lord Celeborn and he would stop at nothing to do them proud. He was well aware of the fact that he needed to be careful in his approach, for he was dealing with Men after all, who, for all their muscles and bulk, were as vulnerable as Elflings. He even started to wonder if those two males had even sufficient knowledge to perform the ancient ritual of arrow and target. Surely they must have played a bit of hide and seek for grown ups? Taste the sausage, perhaps? Fondle the snake?

Haldir couldn’t help but chuckle at the thought that those big, strapping males could be unaware of the pleasures to be had with the flesh between their legs. Then he sighed a little, because the very thought of all the Elves he had the pleasure and honour to have acquainted in an intimate way made him feel a bit tingly. And this was not about his own pleasure, this was about the duty he had taken upon him as a Lorien Elf. He had to be unselfish, like the most beloved lord and lady were unselfish in their never ending task to keep their people happy and satisfied.

So while the stew that would be their evening meal simmered on a friendly fire, Haldir sat down next to Faramir and started, most casually, a friendly conversation. Eomer, in the meantime, was busy feeding and grooming the horses, so the Elf had the opportunity to steer the conversation in a certain direction. Nothing too obvious, one could easily scare off tender and vulnerable creatures like Men. Haldir tried to accept that Man simply was not as sturdy and clever as Elf, but it didn’t make his mission exactly the most easy one.

“Maybe you can help me. I can’t seem to be able to decide what colour his eyes are.” Perfect, if he was allowed to think so of himself, absolutely perfect. If a more innocent and neutral question was possible, Haldir would be an eager student.

And sure enough Faramir did not even blink when he said: “I’m afraid I cannot help you with this, because I never paid attention to this detail.”

Except that you have been staring into those eyes for hours every evening, Haldir thought. But he said nothing more. It was enough to notice that Faramir, just like every meal be thi this, neatly divided his time between eating the stew and looking intently enough in Eomer’s eyes to be able to describe the colour of each and every single particle. And that in itself was a miracle, considering humans had so little eye for beauty. Or for anything, when it came to that. It would not be fair to compare Man to Elf, but a bit more talent for simply seeing what was around them would make their lives a whole lot more easy and pleasurable. For no matter how deeply Faramir stared into Eomer’s eyes, both men slept soundly in their own bedrolls, with a unworkable distance between them.

But Haldir was not an Elf to give up easily on a self appointed task. And so the next day he joined Eomer when he was out collecting dry wood for the fire and started once again a perfectly innocent conversation. As anyone could know, making a remark about another Elf’s firm and comely backside was welcomed in every polite conversation throughout Lothlorien. Appreciating for beauty was never frowned upon and one could almost see a freshly bonded Elf glow with pride if one said a few words of praise about his beloved’s well endowed package. The obvious fact being that Eomer could draw Faramir’s buttocks with his eyes closed was enough indication that saying something nice about the second son of Gondor’s blessed backside would not fall on barren ground.

“I have no idea,” was Eomer’s gruff answer.

Haldir shook his head in disbelieve. Oh indeed, Man was not Elf. But Man had no idea about the patience and resourcefulness of a certain Elf called Haldir. These two poor and ignorant souls belonged in each other’s arms and by the lady of Light, he was going to make sure that when it was time for him to go home to his dear brothers, he would be leaving behind two extremely happy and satisfied people.

During the night, while the Men slept, he had time enough to contemplate on using the hidden verses of the ballad about king Gil-Galad, lord Elrond and a curiously formed piece of lembas. Of course this potent ballad was only sang when all the Elflings were safely tucked into their cosy beds. Still it was not unheard of that Elves well into their first century needed a fresh legging by the time the singer reached the part about how valiant Gil-Galad acquainted his most beloved Elrond with the true faculties of lembas. And even Lorien’s most experienced archers, strong and unwavering warriors, some of them who had been lovers for more than a millennium, needed someplace more discreet in order to release the pressure from listening in detail to how the supreme heroes of the First Era used their mouths to satisfy their hunger for the twelfth time during one night, roughly three-quarter into the song. The Elves that were able to sit through all 152 verses without needing a spare legging could be counted on the fingers of one hand.

As much as this ballad was a fool prove aphrodisiac among Elves, be they from Lorien, Mirkwood or anywhere else, Haldir doubted he was able to translate the subtle humour into common tongue. Not to mention the fact that he still didn’t know how the ballad ended. Or that he never managed to sing it beyond the third verse.

There was no way around it. This asked for the strongest, most dangerous and only method with a success rate of a full 100 %. He remembered fondly and with a deep feeling of gratitude the day, many centuries ago, lord Celeborn himself had introduced him to the most secret, most potent treatment, against a certain kind of ailment, ever known to the Elven nation. Celeborn had taken him to a small, well hidden lake, there he had taken off his robes and Haldir had learned about the true power and glory of the Naked Elf. Not just about an Elf without his cloths on, of course, he had two brothers and he was not unfamiliar with the sight of his fellow archers and wardens in various states of undress in order to bathe or have a little tumble between sentry shifts. None of this all. This could not be captured in mere words, however eloquently the ancient language of the Elves, so lord Celeborn had found it in the immeasurable kindness and wisdom of his heart to teach the young Elf everything he had to know about the sheer might of the Naked Elf. There had been a lot to learn and Haldir proved to be an ardent student. Then and there he swore the lessons of his most beloved lord would not be a waste of time. Just like Celeborn he would bring joy and fulfilment into the lives of those Elves who needed it the most.

He had been a little sad when Celeborn had chosen the next young Elf to bring to the lake and show him the splendour of his body, but he had understood he could not be selfish. The pleasures of the body had to be spread freely in order to keep the Elves healthy and happy. The fact that lord Celeborn devoted so much of his life in educating young male Elves and, something Haldir heard much later, the lady Galadriel herself took it upon her to instruct the young female Elves, made them all the more magnificent in Haldir’s eyes.

Now, he would not be as presumptuous as to compare himself for just even one moment with those most glorious among the most glorious of Elves, but he would do his utmost to bring no shame to the Elven race. He wasn’t totally sure if the Naked Elf treatment, was suitable for the much less developed and weaker humans, but everything else he had tried seemed to be of no avail. So when he saw the small, secluded amo among the loveliest of trees he knew what he had to do.

There would be a full moon, so visibility was not a problem. They had eaten, the horses had been taken care of and there was not an Orc, or anyone else for that matter, in sight. This was a night as good as any night, and probably better than most, to fulfil the all important mission of getting two lonely, horny souls together.

“In the name of lord’s Celeborn’s mighty, ever ready weapon of choice, let the healing begin,” Haldir whispered his blessing, while he slowly undressed in order to take a bath in the crystal clear water of the lake. He inspected his body with a critical eye. Good, clean muscles, unblemished skin, all in healthy proportions: it would have to do.

He had been sure to announce in no easy to miss wording what he was going to do, except of course he did not talk about truetrue reason. That reason would be clear soon enough, if they were lured by his voice. He was well aware of the fact that many Elves had better singing voices, but it was the only way he knew how to make sure both men would be attracted to the lake in a non-threatening way and preferably at the same time.

First he seriously washed himself, including his hair that every single one of his lovers had described as silken silver or silvery silk. Not that any Elf ever got really dirty, but one could never be too clean when performing healhealing arts. When he was convinced he could not get any cleaner without being called a prissy Figwit he got out of the lake and took some towels to dry his body and hair.

At that moment he started to sing. First he sang the ever popular among young archers: “Glory, glory, glory, Glorfindel…” The great Elf being famous for more than just slaying a Balrog and being drop dead gorgeous. Then he continued with a more mellow little song called: “If it isn’t the Elrond twins, why should I be interested?” To be on the sure side of things he started a third song. But when he was halfway “Legolas oh Legolas hit me with your arrows,” he heard the breathing of two Men, as loud as only Men, and perhaps Dwarves, could breath. With a smile he stopped singing. The next phase of the healing process could begin.

The lyrics of the songs were more than ample to get his elfhood straight and hard as an arrow. Proud it stood and it would stand proud as long as Haldir needed it to stand. Being an Elf certainly had his advantages. But’s n’s not dwell on that. There was work to be done. Honourable, rewarding work, but still a task that needed his full dedication and attention. So he wrapped his slender fingers around his rock-hard instrument of joy and started to stroke in a lazy pace. The audible breathing of the two Men in the bushes had progressed to an all out moan.

This was almost a too easy victory. Inspired by Haldir’s elven beauty and his joyful activity, the Men would turn their eyes on each other and lo and behold, Faramir would look into Eomer’s eyes and Eomer would mutter something about Faramir’s arse and everything would be right in Middle-Earth.

But maybe Man indeed was not Elf and maybe it was exactly for that reason that all of a sudden the two Men stepped forward from their hiding place to walk straight to the self-pleasuring Elf, a big fat grin on their, Haldir had to admit it, rather handsome faces. So he did as any Elf of good upbringing, and there were as far as he knew no Elves of bad upbringing in existence, would do: he greeted them politely by slightly nodding his head without letting go of the ivory tower in his hand, in order to prevent embarrassment.

“I see that the water of the lake is doing you a lot of good, my gentle Elf,” Eomer started. His eyes were fully on the delectable looking delicacy. He licked his lips like he was ready to take a bite of the succulent treat.

“It is indeed most refreshing,” Haldir answered, his right hand still moving, almost like it was something with a will of it’s own, up and down the hard length.

“Maybe Eomer and I can take a bath as well,” Faramir said happily.

“We should certainly do that, after we are done with our friend Elf here.” Eomer didn’t seem to be a man of many words in any situation, because when he had said what he meant to say, he simply took of his cloths and gestured to his companion to follow his example.

Haldir stared at the two Men who surely had to be prime examples of their species. It would have been impolite not to look, in order to avoid giving the Men the impression they were unsightly, but he would have stared anyway, even if for some strange reason it had be considered bad manners among Men to not avert the eyes when confronted with a naked, fully excited man. No one would ever confuse these Men with Elves, for they lacked the perfection and grace, but even so Haldir could find very little wrong and very much good in them. Their big, heavier muscled than any Elf he had ever shared pleasure with, bodies covered with patterns of hair that looked so terribly inviting to the touch, were strange and luring; and suddenly he knew so very well why he always had had that incurable curiosity for things beyond the last trees of his beloved Mallorn wood.

Their hands were upon him. Four hands on one body and so after a while he lost track of who was doing exactly what and he didn’t even care, as long as they kept doing it. And it even got better when the tips of both of his ears were gently sucked at exactly the same time, while the pink rosebuds that graced his chest got ample attention from two sets of very clever fingers. First as gentle as a breeze those fingers were, he could easily withstand such delightful treatment, but a very firm pinch in combination with a very slight bite into his ears made an end to any and all pretension. His orgasm hit him like a cave troll on the loose.

Mind you, it was a dry orgasm, because the idea that an adult Elf would squirt with his first orgasm of the evening would be downright laughable and many merry tales Elves told among themselves were about the, non-existing Elf, who could come only once. Haldir, it goes without saying, was as hard as before. Of course the Men discovered that rather pleasant, although perhaps for human males slightly unsettling, fact soon enough and they happily announced that this had only been the beginning.

How right they were. But also, were they not supposed to turn their interest to each other instead of loudly discussing plans of how to bring the Elf to his completion for a second, and even a third time? As much as he loved having his, very clean and nice smelling, toes sucked by Faramir while Eomer did a admirable job in taking all of the Elf’s neat and tight purse into his mouth and suck at such even pace that he just had to have a special talent for such things, this was not planned as part of the Naked Elf Treatment. He could understand that both Men lusted after this Elf, or after any Elf for that matter, but what had he done wrong to make sure they not also lusted after each other? Or rather, why they did not act on that long established fact? Had the Naked Elf Treatment been too potent for them? Had he done wrong by trying to do the best he could?

He did not have the time to ponder upon this all important question because orgasm number four rather felt like a small army of Orcs had a field-day shaking his body for many seconds until his flesh was ready to come loose from his bones. Of course nothing bad really happened and after a few minutes he was able to conclude once more that not a drop of his precious fluid had been spilled.

Haldir had reached a point where he had to admit he had not been wrong in assessing Men and their peculiarities: they were as blind as newborn mice. This had to be the end of the subtleties. As much as he had to embarrass himself and everything he believed, at some moment in life an Elf just had to do what an Elf had to do. His great lord and teacher would find it in his heart to forgive him because whatever un-elf like act he would commit, it would be with the best of intentions. The mission was all, pride did not play a role.

He looked both Faramir and Eomer sternly in the eyes: “You have pleasured me four times and if I let you be, you will pleasure me a dozen times or more. I thank you for that, but now it is time to think about your own needs.”

“As indeed it is. We are most grateful for your kind reminder, Haldir,” Eomer said and he pushed the Elf gentle, but firmly until he found himself prostrated with his head down on the leafy ground, between his hands, and his buttocks high in the air in a position that only meant one thing. Since every Elf knows that love can struck at the most inopportune times, no Elf will walk around more than a few yards from his home without a little flask with sweet smelling oil. He told the Man this.

Eomer prepared himself and pushed his considerable greatness inside the cleanest, hottest, tightest and yet most relaxed opening any Man could imagine to enter. There he stayed without moving a muscle until Faramir had asked Haldir to look up. And when the Elf did look up he saw something so deliciously he just had to open his mouth and that was enough for the Man to fill his mouth with a prime example of Gondor’s considerable male talent.

If at any time Haldir would feel the need to sing anyone’s praise, this would be the ultimate moment. But firmly wedged between two muscled bodies, with his mouth very full, he was only able to produce sounds that could mean anything, really. Still, he must have done something right, because he felt more than saw how both Men leaned over and the sound of kissing filled his ears and heart with joy.

“You have eyes to stop any heart from beating and yet my heart races like a champion horse,” Haldir heard Faramir say high above his head.

“I have broken in many future champions of stallions , but I would turn away any and all of them if you would give yourself to me,” came Eomer’s voice.

“I would not blame you for wanting to spill yourself inside such magnificent creature as this Elf,” Faramir continued the conversation.

Haldir started to feel slightly uncomfortable in his position, and being somewhat ignored didn’t help much, but he gladly accepted the minor inconvenience just to hear the kiss the Men once again gave each other.

“Let me enjoy the Elf for a few more moments, then I’ll think of something nasty so I do not shoot before the true enemy is in sight,” Eomer announced and his enjoyment of the Elf was fast and rigorous and together with Faramir’s solid performancewas was enough to make Haldir ponder on the question what kind of metaphor would adequately describe his fifth, dry, orgasm.

Then the Men gently placed him against a tree so he could enjoy the performance they assured he so richly deserved. But before they would play horse and rider they asked Haldir for the greatest privilege any Man could ask from any male Elf. Haldir smiled, a half-smile of course, one did not have to overdo such things, and with a few strokes of his hand he produced enough of the best quality lubrication, nowhere on sale in the whole of Middle-Earth, to ensure a pleasurable experience for both Men.

Faramir, gentle son of Gondor, took his position by offering his, Haldir one again could come to only one conclusion, well formed backside to the Man of the Riddermark. Eomer prepared him quickly, but thoroughly and with one swift push his sword of bliss entered the sheathe of delight.

The ride was hard and fast and hot and Faramir shouted his encouragements to the rider and Eomer praised his stallion by saying very loudly he had the best fucking arse in the whole of Gondor and Rohan combined. Which, Haldir could establish as a most likely fact, although he had not yet seen every single backside of either Gondor or Rohan. It was not a short ride by any means, even though horse and rider were clearly not Elves. Should it be n tha that Haldir and his elfhood enjoyed every minute? Or that, after a short rest, both Men turned their attention once again to the Elf who had came to their rescue, and how they showed him their gratitude by trying out every possible combination between three people of good standing, and then try out some more that really should not have become known outside Orcish circles except that they were simply too good to ignore? Surely any well educated reader knows about such things.

Two Men had been saved from a life devoid of lust and love by the Naked Elf Treatment. And Haldir would make sure the word would be spread among his fellow Elves in Lothlorien and elsewhere. Legolas, Glorfindel, Erestor, Figwit, the twins and Elrond himself and all other Elves of good faith had to know that not all hope was lost for Man.