Hanging Out in Imladris Elrond/Legolas
folder
-Multi-Age › General
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
2
Views:
1,794
Reviews:
1
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
1
Category:
-Multi-Age › General
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
2
Views:
1,794
Reviews:
1
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
1
Disclaimer:
I do not own the Lord of the Rings (and associated) book series, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
Hanging Out in Imladris (1/2) Elrond, the Twins, G
Title: Hanging Out in Imladris (1/2) Elrond, the Twins, Glorfindel /Legolas PG-13
Author: sandyg
Email: writearts2@earthlink.net
Pairing: potential E,E,E,G/L
Rating: PG-13
Category: Sex Comedy
Summary: An arrogantly egotistical Legolas discovers the true meaning of "hanging out" at Imladris with Elrond and company. Complete stupid humor followed by... really hot bondage sex!!!
Feedback: Sure, bring it on, kids!
Content: This chapter is the teaser... just nudge, nudge, wink ,wink. And farts. The next is the NC-17 pleaser.
Disclaimer: None of this ever happened and if it did unfortunately I wasn’t there to see it. Drat.
A/N: If anyone wasn’t sure this tale is A/U. Thought I’d make that super-duper clear.
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Trying not to look uneasy Legolas warily monitored his four archery companions during their practice shots. Well, at least they all didn’t seem to be at their thrilling peak, but the twins’ aim looked dangerous. Elrond, mmm, Legolas knew the Elf Lord wasn’t really trying all that hard. Sneaky bastard. Yes, something was amiss. A subtle, err, well, wrongness already ited ted the entire morning.
Ha, talk about wrong... although it was only 11 in the morning the so-called legendary warrior Glorfindel had already drank himself into near blithering idiocy. How pathetic. Trying to be polite Legolas struggled to banish the pained sneer from his perfect lips, but come now, the Mirkwood prince had never viewed such drunken stupidity. During the two day arms and archery festival golden Glorfindel consumed enough potent mead to drown the entire Halfling population. Of course the festival was meant to be fun but fastidious Legolas couldn’t understand how a noble Elf could let himself become so hideously drunk. Yes, Glorfindel was disgusting. Handsome but disgusting.
Well, Legolas’ royal Father always claimed that the Imladreans were a pack of dedicated perverts led by the disturbingly serene Elrond. After enduring close contact with the Lord during the past two days Legolas finally decided that Lord Elrond possessed the bizarrest smile in all Middle Earth. Legolas found the supposedly friendly expression close to something you might find gracing a Mordorian pit viper suffering from acute indigestion. The smile looked frightening. And those icy, silver-gray eyes... brr. Legolas thought when Elrond fixed those probing eyes on him the Lord could read his mind. Damn, if that was the case Elrond would feel mighty unhappy with the Mirkwood prince’s current thoughts.
No wonder his Father had told Legolas that sly Elrond proved as slippery as Orc intestines rotting in the hot sun. Remembering his Father’s scathing remarks about Imladris deepened Legolas’ sense of trouble. He should have never agreed to this post-festival tournament. Well, you young idiot, that’s what you get for being a braggart. After Legolas won every archery contest at Imladris, beating the likes of Haldir and his wimpy brothers, he couldn’t help but declare himself the finest archer in Middle Earth. Please, it was the truth! Upon hearing Legolas’ unwise boast Elrond had quickly wrapped his strong arm around Legolas’ shoulder and proposed a private contest with himself, Glorfindel and Elrond’s twin sons. Since Imladris hosted this year’s event the four had passed on the competition. It was customary for the host family not to compete. Personally Legolas thought Glorfindel bowed out since he’d only embarrass himself.
Aii, Legolas hated it when Mirkwood hosted the arms and archery festival. When he was a co-host he couldn’t show off his tremendous skills. Instead during the Mirkwood-based festival Legolas made sure he dressed like a God and wandered about posing decoratively. His careful posturings made more tone one seasoned archer slam their arrows into an innocent tree. Ha, during last decade’s festival he totally screwed handsome Elladan’s bid for the supreme title.
Hmm, was it Legolas’ fault that Elladan was attracted to the Prince’s legendary blonde beauty? Legolas remembered the hilarious day; he had timed his arrival perfectly. As Elladan prepared his final shot Legolas strutted alongside the contest’s right edge. Oh my, looked like the sight of Legolas encased in a body-hugging, blood red tunic opened to his navel and matching tight leggings proved too much for Elladan’s strict composure. Boo-hoo. Legolas’ little ruse allowed Haldir to steal the grand prize. In turn a winking Haldir presented Legolas with a super-deluxe Lorien bow. Quite a fine exchange!
But the glare that Elladan bestowed on Legolas’ during the awards ceremony made Legolas shiver. Handsome Elladan displayed those same spooky silver gray eyes as Elrond and he, although only Legolas’ age, could already craft one evil glare. Oddly enough during this recent festival the twins acted suspiciously sweet to Legolas. Well, except for one major annoyance; Legolas noticed their slender hands had a tendency to grope, just like their Father’s. Someone kept patting his round taut ass yet when Legolas glanced around no one looked suspicious. Typical.
Yes, these last two days at Imladris proved quite weird and now Legolas regretted staying for a third day. Legolas mentally winced. What had he promised Elrond? Yes, that if Legolas lost Elrond could demand anything he wanted from the Prince. Legolas hastily made the promise just to make Elrond take his wandering haoff off of him.
Gods, Legolas had never thought of Elrond as a touchy-feely Elf but these last two days trampled that theory. If Elrond encountered Legolas he instantly threw a so-called friendly arm around Legolas’ shoulder and casually began chatting. Or the Lord hovered so close that Legolas smelled his minty breath and cool mysterious waterfall scent. The constant pawing feltcompletely unsettling, but at least Elrond smelled nice.
Ha, in reality Legolas endured no worries. After hearing Legolas’ boasting promise noble Elrond had graciously offered the same prize to his young guest and finally released Legolas from his ancient grip. Elrond’s promise sounded wonderful; the confident Legolas already had his covetous eye on an ancient Elven sword on display in the great dining hall. He truly wanted that lovely weapon, since the blade was intricately carved with ancient runes plus the silver handle looked studded with enough precious gems to make a greedy Dwarf drool. Yes, Legolas knew that slim sliver blade would look perfect hanging against his poetically slim hips.
Well, once Legolas proved to these perverts that he was the finest archer in all Middle Earth he could claim his glittering prize and return to safe and snug Mirkwood. After last night’s closing festivities Legolas’ Father had escaped, he citing pressing business. That was the thing about ancient Fathers; they always had mysterious pressing business looming but they never filled you in. Legolas couldn’t wait to be older since that’s when all the pressing business took place. Secretly he thought that the pressing business nonsense was a clever ruse just to make everyone think the ancients were always busy saving the world. Nice trick.
As Legolas watched the twins finish their practice shots strong fingers suddenly burrowed into his long hair. Aii! What? Elrond’s low voice murmured in smooth dismay. "Dear Legolas, your back braid is extremely crooked. Most untidy and unworthy of a prince. Here, let me straighten the braid for you."
Swallowing deeply Legolas remained staring straight ahead. Gods, when someone fondled his hair he nearly came from delight. Wily old Elrond probably sensed that since not only was he slippery he was sensitive. Beside, every Elf knew that hair tending was a highly intimate and sensual prelude. Yes, just as Legolas feared old Elrond spentittlittle too much time fixing Legolas’ supposedly crooked braid. Those long fingers fussed and stroked through Legolas’ glorious hair. Ohhh. Mmm.
As he enjoyed fondling Legolas’ hair Elrond smiled in supreme contentment. How fine, this sweet little Elf quickly responded to simple caresses. When Elrond glanced to his side Glorfindartearted him a knowing wink. Indeed. This was just a brief beginning. "There, my lad, now your braid looks much neater." Elrond trailed his fingers through Legolas’ stunning flaxen-hued hair and smoothed the unbraided lengths over Legolas’ strong shoulders.
Legolas tried not to respond but a sexy shiver shot through him. Damn. His traitorous cock performed a little salute against his tight leggings. Stop! Well, at least this tight dark green silk tunic was long. Whew. Damn Elrond for doing that to him. Sly half-human beast!
After blowing a little kiss towards Legolas’ head Elrond clapped his graceful hands together. The sound disrupted Legolas’ sensual daze. He whirled to face Elrond and almost bumped noses with the Elf Lord. Instead of moving Elrond merely gazed at Legolas’ startled face. "Well, everyone, I think we are now ready. Legolas, as our esteemed guest you shall choose if you’d like to shoot first or last." Elrond’s frightening viper smile twitched his thin lips.
Pfft, now that choice was a no-brainer. Remembering his refined manners Legolas took a giant step backwards and performed a respectful little bow. Gods, get away! "I choose last, my lord Elrond."
Elrond’s malevolent smile widened in subtle pleasure. "As you wish." Legolas instantly wondered now what did that icky smile mean? Why did everything seem so deathly suspicious?
Setting aside his silver mead flagon an unsteady Glorfindel merrily waved his long bow. "Lads, I’ll be a gent and go first, all right?"
Everyone instinctively scuttled away from the golden warrior. Aii, old Glorfindel was so drunk he could easily shoot himself or someone else. Glorfindel aimed, adjusted, aimed, then after hiccuping he finally focused on the proper target. Uttering a mock war cry he freed his arrow.
A mortified Legolas desperately tried not to laugh in disgusted scorn. The arrow sailed left and rammed into a beech tree. Well that shot proved utterly pathetic. Silly old drunkard!
Instead of sulking like Legolas would have done Glorfindel released a merry laugh. "Aha! See that, young ones? Take heed because that was a trick shot in case a few Orcs were sneaking up on the left side."
Oh right, tell us another tall tale, you big golden buffoon! Feeling vastly superior Legolas silently watched Elladan aim. Hmm, not bad at all. Next Elrohir’s swift arrow almost hit the bullseye. Legolas patiently arched one perfectly sculpted brow. My, my, it looked like they had improved since their practice shots. Typical Peredhil slyness; act uncertain during practice then come out confident. Pooh, it must be their tainted human blood at work.
Bah, who cared? Legolas knew he would destroy them. Mmm, yes, he could already feel that beautiful sword hanging from his taut waist. Just the thought made his own flesh rapier stiffen even harder.
All right, what would old Elrond do? As he aimed his arrow that creepy smile no longer infected Elrond’s handsome face. No, now the ancient one looked all business. Still, Legolas mentally shook his head. Only prissy Elrond would swish out to the archery practice fiewaddwaddled in his violet velvet ceremonial robes. Please, old one, we all knew you were the lofty Lord of Imladris so could you cease the tiresome pretense? And folks thought Legolas acted pretentious? Ha, this daffy ancient dandy defined the word.
Thunk. Oh bother, a true bullseye? Drat. Losing his composure Legolas frowned in annoyance. Elrond turned and regally inclined his head toward Legolas. "Your turn, young Prince." As he spoke a small, mocking version of the creepy smile reappeared.
Nodding his head Legolas managed a stiff little smile. By the Star, something truly felt odd here, but Legolas couldn’t quite place the exact problem. Come now, Legolas, stop acting paranoid and shoot. Show these river valley rats who deserved the prize!
Ready... aim... Legolas’ talented fingers were in the process of releasing his arrow when the loudest burp in recorded Middle Earth history rattled the silent forest air. As the raucous noise echoed free alarmed birds took flight in a screeching mass. Leaves dropped from the vibrating lower branches. In response Legolas’ wandering arrow performed a rambling curve and nearly disemboweled an escaping raven.
What the... Stiffening with insulted rage Legolas whirled to his right, his wide blue eyes alive with question. A merry Glorfindel presented Legolas with a sunny, sloppy grin before he quaffed back more mead. "Whoops, aii, excuse me. Drank too big a mouthful. Better to burp and feel the shame than to hold it in and feel the pain. That’s my family motto and I’m sticking to it."
Legolas stared in numb amazement. All right, calm down. Legolas remembered that royal Princes never made scenes over coarse burps performed by ancient drunken sots. Princes stood above such crude nonsense.
Of course the twins giggled insanely and happily patted Glorfindel on the back.
Regal Elrond shook his head in mock dismay. "Ahh, too bad, my dear Legolas. Well, we do have four more rounds to go. Perhaps you’ll enjoy better luck next round." As Elrond’s long fingers kneaded Legolas’ shoulder the viper smile made its designated appearance.
Legolas suddenly felt suffocated. An image of himself as a beautiful plump golden hen surrounded by four wily foxes infected his panicked brain. Not good.
The contestants all shifted to the next unused target. After a few tedious, drawn-out minutes Legolas glared at the fumbling Glorfindel. Oh come on, hurry up! The big drunkard seemed content to aim for entire centuries. What the hell was the idiot doing now?
No one else seemed to care. The twins rested on the felled log turned into a bench, they murmuring and kissing each other. Legolas peeked at them in shock. So the rumors were was true! He had long suspected but... look at them acting so bold! Sensing Legolas’ look Elladan glanced up, he throwing Legolas a lascivious wink.
What incestuous perverts! Didn’t Elrond care? When Legolas darted a discreet glance the Elf Lord’s way he saw that instead of watching his sons or Glorfindel Elrond trained his wide silvery gaze on Legolas. What?
No. Ah no. Legolas didn’t see that. No. Shaking his head a bit Legolas turned and blindly stared into the sun-speckled forest. No. He did not see Elrond suggestively wiggle his red tongue between his stern lips. Absolutely not. Trick of the flickering forest light. Gaah.
In an attempt to control both his temper and mounting fright Legolas counted the leaves on a nearby beech tree. When 1000 darted into his irritated mind Legolas softly cleared his throat.
Glorfindel whirled, his arrow still notched in the tight gut string. His wild gesture almost chopped off Elladan’s right ear tip. The elder twin ducked just in time. "Hey, youngster, are you trying to distract me?"
Dropping to his knees in craven self-preservation Legolas gaped up at Glorfindel. "Aii, Glorfindel, are you trying to kill me?"
Glorfindel suddenly realized where his arrow pointed. Another stupid grin curled his full lips. "Ha, of course not! Don’t be silly, littlittle cutie. Now pipe down and let me concentrate."
Legolas leapt to his feet, he dumbstruck at reacting like such a meek coward. Plus look, now grass stains tainted his new pale gold leggings! Damn! That was real gold tread in the embroidery! All three Peredhels stared at him with vast amusement until those merry twins shivered with fresh snickers. How obnoxious!
Controlling a set-upon sigh Legolas glared at the distant targets. Glorfindel finally shot, the arrow grazing the target’s side. "Oh by Elbereth’s Sacred Tits that was a poor shot. See, Legolas, you sly dog, you distracted me. Don’t they teach you any manners in rancid old Mirkwood?"
Barely opening his perfect lips Legolas muttered a reply. "My Lord, I apologize deeply for my innocent action."
"Well that’s very pretty but you still distracted me. In the future, brat, keep your rude throat-clearing to yourself. Hey, look, if your throats feels dry drink some mead." Glorfindel shoved the large silver flagon toward Legolas.
Grimacing in utter distaste Legolas quickly held up his pale left hand. "No thank you." Eyyah, the toxic backwash from the old Elf’s mouth might prove lethal.
After controlling his snickers Elladan shushed Glorfindel and aimed. Perfect bullseye. Lithe Elrohir did the same, his forceful arrow slamming alongside his brother’s. Although it pained him to do so Legolas murmured in faint appreciation. As his sons stepped back Elrond stalked up to his mark. His powerful aim almost split Elladan’s arrow.
Legolas couldn’t believe it. He stared at the target in pure disbelief.
Elladan could barely control his triumphant mirth. His nasty smile mocked Legolas in one hundred different ways. "Ooo, it looks like the Peredhil clan is spot on today, eh, dear Legolas? Think you can you top that fine shooting, Prince?"
Maintaining his regal stance Legolas smiled. His lips felt wooden. "Hmm, yes, today the Peredhils appear to be in tip-top form, Elladan. But we’re not done yet." Enough of this damned silliness. Time to shine. Legolas took careful aim. Yes, this time he would split decadent Elladan’s puny arrow into itty-bitty pieces. Feathers would litter the closely-cropped grass. Yes, now Legolas would show these rude plebeians the true Prince of Archery.
Inhaling a centering breath Legolas was about to let fly when a stupendously deep fart echoed behind him. A startled rabbit raced for safety. Six deer leapt into the thick verdant brush beside the field.
His compromised arrow plowed into the target’s base.
A furious hiss escaped Legolas’ tight throat. This time when Legolas whirled around a contrite Elladan looked mockingly embarrassed. "Aii, how terribly rude of me! My word, I knew I shouldn’t have eaten that delicious white bean and broccoli soup last night! Whew!"
Legolas’ perfect face contorted in anger. This farce was intolerable! Trembling in righteous fury Legolas almost snapped out a terse reply. No. Stop. Hold off. He realized he’d sound like a paranoid lunatic. What, accuse young Elladan of farting on purpose? How stupid. Legolas thought "be calm; you could still win this mess."
After enduring the third round when it came to Legolas’ shot another squealing fart whistled into life. At this point all the wildlife had fled the area so only a few brave squirrels scampered up the trees. Now Elrohir blushed in shame as his thin fingers waved at the air. "Oh Gods, I am so sorry! Bean and broccoli soffecffects me exactly same way, right, my dear brother? We have twin digestive tracts." He giggled in cute distress.
Astonishment filled Legolas’ aching brain. All right, yes, this little event turned into a debacle. Please, farts destroyed his archery glory? Why did he ever agree to this disaster?
As the fourth round staggered along a snickering Glorfindel conquered an innocent tree branch. Once again the sneaky perverts all shot perfect bulleyes. When he stepped up to his mark Legolas’ furious mind wondered what they would try next? Would one of the twins simply sit on Legolas’ face? Would Elrond pinch his ass? Legolas didn’t appreciate how close Elrond hovered next to him. Come now, be strong, ignore the Elf Lord.
Legolas aimed. Before he shot his arrow a sharp warm gust of air tickled his ear. What in Mordor’s Black Hole was that? Twitching in surprise Legolas glanced to his right. Lord Elrond merely presented Legolas with a supremely innocent version of his sick viper smile.
Now that had to be a fluke breeze, just like the tongue tease was a trick of the light. This was not happening. All right. Legolas aimed again. The same warm air gust caressed his sensitive right ear tip. His arrow bobbled and bounced off the target’s outer ring.
Legolas glared at the missed target. He’d lost! He had been conquered by burpifartfarting and sneaky old Elrond blowing in his ear. How insulting! This was atrocious!
As his strong fingers massaged Legolas’ graceful shoulder again Elrond oozed with false sympathy. "Oh my, my, how sad, sweet Legolas. It looks like you’re quite finished. Shall we still tackle the fifth target to see if you can salvage a touch of your tattered pride?"
In the face of such subtle mockery Legolas barely formed civil words. The nerve of these Imladrean perverts! "No, Lord Elrond. I think I have endured enough today."
Elrond’s pretentiously thin brows shot toward the clear blue sky soaring above the field. His left hand came up and fondled Legolas’ other shoulder. "Oh really? Hmm, I don’t think you have endured anything at all, my dear Prince. So, my Legolas, you do remember your oath? If you lost you’d give me whatever I wanted from you?"
Legolas looked trapped. He feared that if he yanked free from Elrond’s tight grip he’d insult the mighty Lord. Help! Unwise words spewed from his nervous lips. "Elrond, please, this farce was hardly a fair contest! I was treated to ultimate disrespect in the form of obnoxious body functions!"
Aii, Elrond’s glacial eyes almost froze Legolas’ heavy balls. He leaned toward the suddenly tense Prince, each sharp word slapping Legolas across the cheek. "Prince, are you implying that we cheated?"
"That’s a serious charge, young one. I don’t like the sound of your accusing words." Suddenly Glorfindel didn’t appear so drunk. His big fists clenched into roughly chiseled flesh rocks. Oh yes, one solid swipe from them would send Legolas into unhappy dreamland.
Quick, stupid, lie! Trying to look innocent Legolas held up his bow, he almost shoving it into Elrond’s taut stomach. "No, Lords, I implied nothing of the sort!" Yes, you moron, your careless words could start a war. Back down now!!!
Elrond’s silvery gaze swept over Legolas in a highly predatory manner. "Then, my dear Prince, you acknowledge your final defeat?"
Stop, no, do not roll the eyes. Legolas heaved a sharp sigh. "Very well, yes, I lost, you all defeated me. Now, Lord Elrond, what exactly do you want from me?"
Before Legolas could react Elrond pressed close against his entire body. A wet kiss brushed Legolas’ startled cheek then Elrond’s long fingers slid around Legolas’ graceful neck. "I want you, little one." Sharp nails pinched deeply into Legolas’ skin.
Gasping in shock Legolas fell into Elrond’s waiting arms.
TBC
Author: sandyg
Email: writearts2@earthlink.net
Pairing: potential E,E,E,G/L
Rating: PG-13
Category: Sex Comedy
Summary: An arrogantly egotistical Legolas discovers the true meaning of "hanging out" at Imladris with Elrond and company. Complete stupid humor followed by... really hot bondage sex!!!
Feedback: Sure, bring it on, kids!
Content: This chapter is the teaser... just nudge, nudge, wink ,wink. And farts. The next is the NC-17 pleaser.
Disclaimer: None of this ever happened and if it did unfortunately I wasn’t there to see it. Drat.
A/N: If anyone wasn’t sure this tale is A/U. Thought I’d make that super-duper clear.
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Trying not to look uneasy Legolas warily monitored his four archery companions during their practice shots. Well, at least they all didn’t seem to be at their thrilling peak, but the twins’ aim looked dangerous. Elrond, mmm, Legolas knew the Elf Lord wasn’t really trying all that hard. Sneaky bastard. Yes, something was amiss. A subtle, err, well, wrongness already ited ted the entire morning.
Ha, talk about wrong... although it was only 11 in the morning the so-called legendary warrior Glorfindel had already drank himself into near blithering idiocy. How pathetic. Trying to be polite Legolas struggled to banish the pained sneer from his perfect lips, but come now, the Mirkwood prince had never viewed such drunken stupidity. During the two day arms and archery festival golden Glorfindel consumed enough potent mead to drown the entire Halfling population. Of course the festival was meant to be fun but fastidious Legolas couldn’t understand how a noble Elf could let himself become so hideously drunk. Yes, Glorfindel was disgusting. Handsome but disgusting.
Well, Legolas’ royal Father always claimed that the Imladreans were a pack of dedicated perverts led by the disturbingly serene Elrond. After enduring close contact with the Lord during the past two days Legolas finally decided that Lord Elrond possessed the bizarrest smile in all Middle Earth. Legolas found the supposedly friendly expression close to something you might find gracing a Mordorian pit viper suffering from acute indigestion. The smile looked frightening. And those icy, silver-gray eyes... brr. Legolas thought when Elrond fixed those probing eyes on him the Lord could read his mind. Damn, if that was the case Elrond would feel mighty unhappy with the Mirkwood prince’s current thoughts.
No wonder his Father had told Legolas that sly Elrond proved as slippery as Orc intestines rotting in the hot sun. Remembering his Father’s scathing remarks about Imladris deepened Legolas’ sense of trouble. He should have never agreed to this post-festival tournament. Well, you young idiot, that’s what you get for being a braggart. After Legolas won every archery contest at Imladris, beating the likes of Haldir and his wimpy brothers, he couldn’t help but declare himself the finest archer in Middle Earth. Please, it was the truth! Upon hearing Legolas’ unwise boast Elrond had quickly wrapped his strong arm around Legolas’ shoulder and proposed a private contest with himself, Glorfindel and Elrond’s twin sons. Since Imladris hosted this year’s event the four had passed on the competition. It was customary for the host family not to compete. Personally Legolas thought Glorfindel bowed out since he’d only embarrass himself.
Aii, Legolas hated it when Mirkwood hosted the arms and archery festival. When he was a co-host he couldn’t show off his tremendous skills. Instead during the Mirkwood-based festival Legolas made sure he dressed like a God and wandered about posing decoratively. His careful posturings made more tone one seasoned archer slam their arrows into an innocent tree. Ha, during last decade’s festival he totally screwed handsome Elladan’s bid for the supreme title.
Hmm, was it Legolas’ fault that Elladan was attracted to the Prince’s legendary blonde beauty? Legolas remembered the hilarious day; he had timed his arrival perfectly. As Elladan prepared his final shot Legolas strutted alongside the contest’s right edge. Oh my, looked like the sight of Legolas encased in a body-hugging, blood red tunic opened to his navel and matching tight leggings proved too much for Elladan’s strict composure. Boo-hoo. Legolas’ little ruse allowed Haldir to steal the grand prize. In turn a winking Haldir presented Legolas with a super-deluxe Lorien bow. Quite a fine exchange!
But the glare that Elladan bestowed on Legolas’ during the awards ceremony made Legolas shiver. Handsome Elladan displayed those same spooky silver gray eyes as Elrond and he, although only Legolas’ age, could already craft one evil glare. Oddly enough during this recent festival the twins acted suspiciously sweet to Legolas. Well, except for one major annoyance; Legolas noticed their slender hands had a tendency to grope, just like their Father’s. Someone kept patting his round taut ass yet when Legolas glanced around no one looked suspicious. Typical.
Yes, these last two days at Imladris proved quite weird and now Legolas regretted staying for a third day. Legolas mentally winced. What had he promised Elrond? Yes, that if Legolas lost Elrond could demand anything he wanted from the Prince. Legolas hastily made the promise just to make Elrond take his wandering haoff off of him.
Gods, Legolas had never thought of Elrond as a touchy-feely Elf but these last two days trampled that theory. If Elrond encountered Legolas he instantly threw a so-called friendly arm around Legolas’ shoulder and casually began chatting. Or the Lord hovered so close that Legolas smelled his minty breath and cool mysterious waterfall scent. The constant pawing feltcompletely unsettling, but at least Elrond smelled nice.
Ha, in reality Legolas endured no worries. After hearing Legolas’ boasting promise noble Elrond had graciously offered the same prize to his young guest and finally released Legolas from his ancient grip. Elrond’s promise sounded wonderful; the confident Legolas already had his covetous eye on an ancient Elven sword on display in the great dining hall. He truly wanted that lovely weapon, since the blade was intricately carved with ancient runes plus the silver handle looked studded with enough precious gems to make a greedy Dwarf drool. Yes, Legolas knew that slim sliver blade would look perfect hanging against his poetically slim hips.
Well, once Legolas proved to these perverts that he was the finest archer in all Middle Earth he could claim his glittering prize and return to safe and snug Mirkwood. After last night’s closing festivities Legolas’ Father had escaped, he citing pressing business. That was the thing about ancient Fathers; they always had mysterious pressing business looming but they never filled you in. Legolas couldn’t wait to be older since that’s when all the pressing business took place. Secretly he thought that the pressing business nonsense was a clever ruse just to make everyone think the ancients were always busy saving the world. Nice trick.
As Legolas watched the twins finish their practice shots strong fingers suddenly burrowed into his long hair. Aii! What? Elrond’s low voice murmured in smooth dismay. "Dear Legolas, your back braid is extremely crooked. Most untidy and unworthy of a prince. Here, let me straighten the braid for you."
Swallowing deeply Legolas remained staring straight ahead. Gods, when someone fondled his hair he nearly came from delight. Wily old Elrond probably sensed that since not only was he slippery he was sensitive. Beside, every Elf knew that hair tending was a highly intimate and sensual prelude. Yes, just as Legolas feared old Elrond spentittlittle too much time fixing Legolas’ supposedly crooked braid. Those long fingers fussed and stroked through Legolas’ glorious hair. Ohhh. Mmm.
As he enjoyed fondling Legolas’ hair Elrond smiled in supreme contentment. How fine, this sweet little Elf quickly responded to simple caresses. When Elrond glanced to his side Glorfindartearted him a knowing wink. Indeed. This was just a brief beginning. "There, my lad, now your braid looks much neater." Elrond trailed his fingers through Legolas’ stunning flaxen-hued hair and smoothed the unbraided lengths over Legolas’ strong shoulders.
Legolas tried not to respond but a sexy shiver shot through him. Damn. His traitorous cock performed a little salute against his tight leggings. Stop! Well, at least this tight dark green silk tunic was long. Whew. Damn Elrond for doing that to him. Sly half-human beast!
After blowing a little kiss towards Legolas’ head Elrond clapped his graceful hands together. The sound disrupted Legolas’ sensual daze. He whirled to face Elrond and almost bumped noses with the Elf Lord. Instead of moving Elrond merely gazed at Legolas’ startled face. "Well, everyone, I think we are now ready. Legolas, as our esteemed guest you shall choose if you’d like to shoot first or last." Elrond’s frightening viper smile twitched his thin lips.
Pfft, now that choice was a no-brainer. Remembering his refined manners Legolas took a giant step backwards and performed a respectful little bow. Gods, get away! "I choose last, my lord Elrond."
Elrond’s malevolent smile widened in subtle pleasure. "As you wish." Legolas instantly wondered now what did that icky smile mean? Why did everything seem so deathly suspicious?
Setting aside his silver mead flagon an unsteady Glorfindel merrily waved his long bow. "Lads, I’ll be a gent and go first, all right?"
Everyone instinctively scuttled away from the golden warrior. Aii, old Glorfindel was so drunk he could easily shoot himself or someone else. Glorfindel aimed, adjusted, aimed, then after hiccuping he finally focused on the proper target. Uttering a mock war cry he freed his arrow.
A mortified Legolas desperately tried not to laugh in disgusted scorn. The arrow sailed left and rammed into a beech tree. Well that shot proved utterly pathetic. Silly old drunkard!
Instead of sulking like Legolas would have done Glorfindel released a merry laugh. "Aha! See that, young ones? Take heed because that was a trick shot in case a few Orcs were sneaking up on the left side."
Oh right, tell us another tall tale, you big golden buffoon! Feeling vastly superior Legolas silently watched Elladan aim. Hmm, not bad at all. Next Elrohir’s swift arrow almost hit the bullseye. Legolas patiently arched one perfectly sculpted brow. My, my, it looked like they had improved since their practice shots. Typical Peredhil slyness; act uncertain during practice then come out confident. Pooh, it must be their tainted human blood at work.
Bah, who cared? Legolas knew he would destroy them. Mmm, yes, he could already feel that beautiful sword hanging from his taut waist. Just the thought made his own flesh rapier stiffen even harder.
All right, what would old Elrond do? As he aimed his arrow that creepy smile no longer infected Elrond’s handsome face. No, now the ancient one looked all business. Still, Legolas mentally shook his head. Only prissy Elrond would swish out to the archery practice fiewaddwaddled in his violet velvet ceremonial robes. Please, old one, we all knew you were the lofty Lord of Imladris so could you cease the tiresome pretense? And folks thought Legolas acted pretentious? Ha, this daffy ancient dandy defined the word.
Thunk. Oh bother, a true bullseye? Drat. Losing his composure Legolas frowned in annoyance. Elrond turned and regally inclined his head toward Legolas. "Your turn, young Prince." As he spoke a small, mocking version of the creepy smile reappeared.
Nodding his head Legolas managed a stiff little smile. By the Star, something truly felt odd here, but Legolas couldn’t quite place the exact problem. Come now, Legolas, stop acting paranoid and shoot. Show these river valley rats who deserved the prize!
Ready... aim... Legolas’ talented fingers were in the process of releasing his arrow when the loudest burp in recorded Middle Earth history rattled the silent forest air. As the raucous noise echoed free alarmed birds took flight in a screeching mass. Leaves dropped from the vibrating lower branches. In response Legolas’ wandering arrow performed a rambling curve and nearly disemboweled an escaping raven.
What the... Stiffening with insulted rage Legolas whirled to his right, his wide blue eyes alive with question. A merry Glorfindel presented Legolas with a sunny, sloppy grin before he quaffed back more mead. "Whoops, aii, excuse me. Drank too big a mouthful. Better to burp and feel the shame than to hold it in and feel the pain. That’s my family motto and I’m sticking to it."
Legolas stared in numb amazement. All right, calm down. Legolas remembered that royal Princes never made scenes over coarse burps performed by ancient drunken sots. Princes stood above such crude nonsense.
Of course the twins giggled insanely and happily patted Glorfindel on the back.
Regal Elrond shook his head in mock dismay. "Ahh, too bad, my dear Legolas. Well, we do have four more rounds to go. Perhaps you’ll enjoy better luck next round." As Elrond’s long fingers kneaded Legolas’ shoulder the viper smile made its designated appearance.
Legolas suddenly felt suffocated. An image of himself as a beautiful plump golden hen surrounded by four wily foxes infected his panicked brain. Not good.
The contestants all shifted to the next unused target. After a few tedious, drawn-out minutes Legolas glared at the fumbling Glorfindel. Oh come on, hurry up! The big drunkard seemed content to aim for entire centuries. What the hell was the idiot doing now?
No one else seemed to care. The twins rested on the felled log turned into a bench, they murmuring and kissing each other. Legolas peeked at them in shock. So the rumors were was true! He had long suspected but... look at them acting so bold! Sensing Legolas’ look Elladan glanced up, he throwing Legolas a lascivious wink.
What incestuous perverts! Didn’t Elrond care? When Legolas darted a discreet glance the Elf Lord’s way he saw that instead of watching his sons or Glorfindel Elrond trained his wide silvery gaze on Legolas. What?
No. Ah no. Legolas didn’t see that. No. Shaking his head a bit Legolas turned and blindly stared into the sun-speckled forest. No. He did not see Elrond suggestively wiggle his red tongue between his stern lips. Absolutely not. Trick of the flickering forest light. Gaah.
In an attempt to control both his temper and mounting fright Legolas counted the leaves on a nearby beech tree. When 1000 darted into his irritated mind Legolas softly cleared his throat.
Glorfindel whirled, his arrow still notched in the tight gut string. His wild gesture almost chopped off Elladan’s right ear tip. The elder twin ducked just in time. "Hey, youngster, are you trying to distract me?"
Dropping to his knees in craven self-preservation Legolas gaped up at Glorfindel. "Aii, Glorfindel, are you trying to kill me?"
Glorfindel suddenly realized where his arrow pointed. Another stupid grin curled his full lips. "Ha, of course not! Don’t be silly, littlittle cutie. Now pipe down and let me concentrate."
Legolas leapt to his feet, he dumbstruck at reacting like such a meek coward. Plus look, now grass stains tainted his new pale gold leggings! Damn! That was real gold tread in the embroidery! All three Peredhels stared at him with vast amusement until those merry twins shivered with fresh snickers. How obnoxious!
Controlling a set-upon sigh Legolas glared at the distant targets. Glorfindel finally shot, the arrow grazing the target’s side. "Oh by Elbereth’s Sacred Tits that was a poor shot. See, Legolas, you sly dog, you distracted me. Don’t they teach you any manners in rancid old Mirkwood?"
Barely opening his perfect lips Legolas muttered a reply. "My Lord, I apologize deeply for my innocent action."
"Well that’s very pretty but you still distracted me. In the future, brat, keep your rude throat-clearing to yourself. Hey, look, if your throats feels dry drink some mead." Glorfindel shoved the large silver flagon toward Legolas.
Grimacing in utter distaste Legolas quickly held up his pale left hand. "No thank you." Eyyah, the toxic backwash from the old Elf’s mouth might prove lethal.
After controlling his snickers Elladan shushed Glorfindel and aimed. Perfect bullseye. Lithe Elrohir did the same, his forceful arrow slamming alongside his brother’s. Although it pained him to do so Legolas murmured in faint appreciation. As his sons stepped back Elrond stalked up to his mark. His powerful aim almost split Elladan’s arrow.
Legolas couldn’t believe it. He stared at the target in pure disbelief.
Elladan could barely control his triumphant mirth. His nasty smile mocked Legolas in one hundred different ways. "Ooo, it looks like the Peredhil clan is spot on today, eh, dear Legolas? Think you can you top that fine shooting, Prince?"
Maintaining his regal stance Legolas smiled. His lips felt wooden. "Hmm, yes, today the Peredhils appear to be in tip-top form, Elladan. But we’re not done yet." Enough of this damned silliness. Time to shine. Legolas took careful aim. Yes, this time he would split decadent Elladan’s puny arrow into itty-bitty pieces. Feathers would litter the closely-cropped grass. Yes, now Legolas would show these rude plebeians the true Prince of Archery.
Inhaling a centering breath Legolas was about to let fly when a stupendously deep fart echoed behind him. A startled rabbit raced for safety. Six deer leapt into the thick verdant brush beside the field.
His compromised arrow plowed into the target’s base.
A furious hiss escaped Legolas’ tight throat. This time when Legolas whirled around a contrite Elladan looked mockingly embarrassed. "Aii, how terribly rude of me! My word, I knew I shouldn’t have eaten that delicious white bean and broccoli soup last night! Whew!"
Legolas’ perfect face contorted in anger. This farce was intolerable! Trembling in righteous fury Legolas almost snapped out a terse reply. No. Stop. Hold off. He realized he’d sound like a paranoid lunatic. What, accuse young Elladan of farting on purpose? How stupid. Legolas thought "be calm; you could still win this mess."
After enduring the third round when it came to Legolas’ shot another squealing fart whistled into life. At this point all the wildlife had fled the area so only a few brave squirrels scampered up the trees. Now Elrohir blushed in shame as his thin fingers waved at the air. "Oh Gods, I am so sorry! Bean and broccoli soffecffects me exactly same way, right, my dear brother? We have twin digestive tracts." He giggled in cute distress.
Astonishment filled Legolas’ aching brain. All right, yes, this little event turned into a debacle. Please, farts destroyed his archery glory? Why did he ever agree to this disaster?
As the fourth round staggered along a snickering Glorfindel conquered an innocent tree branch. Once again the sneaky perverts all shot perfect bulleyes. When he stepped up to his mark Legolas’ furious mind wondered what they would try next? Would one of the twins simply sit on Legolas’ face? Would Elrond pinch his ass? Legolas didn’t appreciate how close Elrond hovered next to him. Come now, be strong, ignore the Elf Lord.
Legolas aimed. Before he shot his arrow a sharp warm gust of air tickled his ear. What in Mordor’s Black Hole was that? Twitching in surprise Legolas glanced to his right. Lord Elrond merely presented Legolas with a supremely innocent version of his sick viper smile.
Now that had to be a fluke breeze, just like the tongue tease was a trick of the light. This was not happening. All right. Legolas aimed again. The same warm air gust caressed his sensitive right ear tip. His arrow bobbled and bounced off the target’s outer ring.
Legolas glared at the missed target. He’d lost! He had been conquered by burpifartfarting and sneaky old Elrond blowing in his ear. How insulting! This was atrocious!
As his strong fingers massaged Legolas’ graceful shoulder again Elrond oozed with false sympathy. "Oh my, my, how sad, sweet Legolas. It looks like you’re quite finished. Shall we still tackle the fifth target to see if you can salvage a touch of your tattered pride?"
In the face of such subtle mockery Legolas barely formed civil words. The nerve of these Imladrean perverts! "No, Lord Elrond. I think I have endured enough today."
Elrond’s pretentiously thin brows shot toward the clear blue sky soaring above the field. His left hand came up and fondled Legolas’ other shoulder. "Oh really? Hmm, I don’t think you have endured anything at all, my dear Prince. So, my Legolas, you do remember your oath? If you lost you’d give me whatever I wanted from you?"
Legolas looked trapped. He feared that if he yanked free from Elrond’s tight grip he’d insult the mighty Lord. Help! Unwise words spewed from his nervous lips. "Elrond, please, this farce was hardly a fair contest! I was treated to ultimate disrespect in the form of obnoxious body functions!"
Aii, Elrond’s glacial eyes almost froze Legolas’ heavy balls. He leaned toward the suddenly tense Prince, each sharp word slapping Legolas across the cheek. "Prince, are you implying that we cheated?"
"That’s a serious charge, young one. I don’t like the sound of your accusing words." Suddenly Glorfindel didn’t appear so drunk. His big fists clenched into roughly chiseled flesh rocks. Oh yes, one solid swipe from them would send Legolas into unhappy dreamland.
Quick, stupid, lie! Trying to look innocent Legolas held up his bow, he almost shoving it into Elrond’s taut stomach. "No, Lords, I implied nothing of the sort!" Yes, you moron, your careless words could start a war. Back down now!!!
Elrond’s silvery gaze swept over Legolas in a highly predatory manner. "Then, my dear Prince, you acknowledge your final defeat?"
Stop, no, do not roll the eyes. Legolas heaved a sharp sigh. "Very well, yes, I lost, you all defeated me. Now, Lord Elrond, what exactly do you want from me?"
Before Legolas could react Elrond pressed close against his entire body. A wet kiss brushed Legolas’ startled cheek then Elrond’s long fingers slid around Legolas’ graceful neck. "I want you, little one." Sharp nails pinched deeply into Legolas’ skin.
Gasping in shock Legolas fell into Elrond’s waiting arms.
TBC