I Understand

I Understand.

(Haldir goes back to Lorien after a visit in Imladris.)

"He talk about you in his sleep
There's nothing I can do to keep
From crying when he calls your name *beep*
And I can easily understand
How you can easily take my man
But you don't know what he means to me *beep*"
-Jolene, by Dolly Parton

I remember that the first time I saw you; you rode into the courtyard like a king. None would know that you in fact were nothing but a soldier. I didn't. I just saw you; you were an enigma, chilled and beautiful. As were you carved in marble, and given silver for hair. Never in my life had I seen a more amazing sight.

Later that same evening you joined us at Lord Elrond's table. I think I forgot to eat, and when you looked up, you looked right into my eyes, those deep brown eyes of yours sending sweet sensations down my spine. You looked so young, and yet so experienced. This was too much for me to withstand.

I tried to tell myself that you were no match for me, that I could be your grandfather, that you'd find me pathetic if I tried to return your smiles and little enchanting laughs. As it turned out I would not have much of a choice. You had already taken the decision from me, seeing the little cracks in my defence. I am sure you found great pleasure in the little scenes we had.

When you had stayed here for about 10 turns of the sun, you grew bolder; I still tried to stand up to your obvious sensuality, denying myself the possibility. You, on the other hand, seemed to have made up your mind. And as you met me that evening alone and brooding in the Hall of Fire, you sat down on the armrest of my chair, asking me what kept me up this wonderful night. And leaning in so close that those soft lips of yours briefly touched my ear, you asked if there was anything you could do for me. I think I sighed. I did not want to give in for these carnal pleasures of mine. But as you removed some stray hair from my cheek, I looked up, seeing those hazel eyes of yours, and your lips curled up in a mysterious smile. I had already lost the battle against myself.

You reached for my glass and I let go of it, letting you have it. You took a sip of my wine and slipped down onto my lap, asking me again if there was anything you could do to take the trouble off my mind. This time I did not sigh; this time I purred as you ran your slender hand over my chest.

This was the beginning of you and me. Or what it was, it turned out with me running after you, acting like a lovesick Elfling, making a complete fool out of myself. This I am sure you loved; I know you better now. I know this to be your game.

Then along came Elladan. I saw you do the exact same thing to him as you had done to me, and the poor child fell for it as well. Believing he was the centre of your world. Or rather he, like me, wanted so badly to believe it that he closed his eyes to all other possibilities. I thought of telling him. Showing Elladan what you were like.

But doing so would mean that he would properly not believe me, and that you would turn away, never looking at my side again. I found myself beginning to ignore that you did not only warm my bed, and I lived and breathed for those soft knocks on the door. Feeling absolutely destroyed when they did not come.

I should have done something, something else besides reading the same book over and over again. Or opening a bottle to keep me company in front of my fireplace, and before knowing it finishing it off, sitting in my chair crying to myself, feeling little, stupid and lonely.

Only you could take away that feeling; only you could chase all the degrading thoughts I had of myself away. When you kissed me and told me I was the most breathtaking creature on the face of Arda, I beamed, as had you placed one of the precious silmarillions in me, and let it shine just for you. "Can you imagine this?" I asked-now I know you couldn't.

I wonder if you told Elladan the same, if you made him beam like that. Somehow I hope you did, for it was the most wonderful feeling.

I remember once you had not come to see me for a long while, and when we attended dinner I noticed you avoided both the prince and me. When I later returned to my chambers, I found you sitting there in my armchair by the fireplace. You greeted me with one of the sensual little smiles of yours, asking me what took me so long. I wanted to ask you why you had not come to see me for this long, and why you avoided me. But I didn't. I just walked over to you and kneeled between your legs, resting my head on your knee, inhaling your scent. I had not realised just how much I had missed your scent.

Then something happened. I finally found the courage to ask why you were not with Elladan. And you froze on the spot-just for a second I saw the real Haldir, not the March Warden you wanted me to see. And it broke my heart. Oh so young and so very careful not to let down your defences. I wondered who hurt you so much; I wondered whom you once had loved.

You quickly composed yourself and smiled reassuringly at me, whispering that you had no idea what the prince of Imladris was up to this evening. And I wanted to believe you. All I wanted was for you to kiss me and stay with me. Make me believe that tomorrow would be just as wonderful as right now.

And you did, you gently raised me to my feet, guiding my face to yours, kissing and gently biting my lip. You whispered that we could use a hot bath after such a long day, and I complied, letting go of your arms to go and pull the bell-ring to have the servants bring us hot water. I again chose to ignore the way the maid looked at me. But somewhere deep inside I was ashamed. I was a Balrog-slayer, not a child. I should have listened to my own defences that told me to leave you alone.

Yet I could not; I needed you like I needed the air I breathe. And so I followed you into the hot tub without a word. My heart skipped a beat when I saw the satisfaction on your fair face when I discarded my clothes and stood naked on the floor in front of you. I pleased you; that was easy to see. You stepped closer to me and let your hands run down my sides, and with a husky voice proclaimed that I was yours; I complied with a purr. I was, yours and no one else's. In this moment I belonged to you, as I always did.

When I had removed your clothing, I wrapped my arms around your waist and pulled you tight, claiming your lips in a bruising kiss. And the reaction from you didn't leave much to the imagination, as you rubbed your groin against me. I gently lifted you into the tub, and you sank blissfully into the hot water, moving a little so there was room for me there too.

We started with gentle touches, washing each other, kneading the tense muscles from a long day with firm grips and tender lips. Then you did something you had not done before. You rested your head on my shoulder and wrapped your arms around my chest, and with a strained voice you whispered that you were leaving, you had to return to Lothlorien.

I felt a pang of pain in my chest, but I just hung my head and whispered back, "I will remain craving for you even if it hurts me... I still love you far too much!"

You didn't answer me but just kissed my neck and nibbled on the sensitive skin there before moving your hands down under the water, resting them on my inner thighs, so dangerously close to my erection. I pushed up against you, wanting to feel more. Wanting to forget, just this last time. I wanted to sail the sea of oblivion with you.

I lifted myself and presented myself to you. I wanted you to have me, I wanted to feel you deep inside me. And when I felt your tongue there instead of your fingers I let out a little yelp, grabbing the sided of the tub hard. I wanted this to last forever, but I knew it would not. It would be over too fast.

As always you sheathed yourself in a fluent move, beginning to thrust almost instantly, making me arch my back as you held a firm grip in my hair, forcing my head backwards. All of this was normal routing to me, but this night it felt bittersweet. The face of Elladan would not disappear from my mind, until you suddenly rammed against something inside me, and I heard my own voice cry out in delight, begging for more.

And you were more than happy to comply. You slammed into me faster and I lost all control, emptying myself in the bathwater as I clawed the wooden sides of the tub. The orgasm that shook my body brought you over the edge too; I felt your warm semen run down my thighs. As you pulled out, I turned around and hoped to see your flustered face smile at me, but I saw something I had not counted on.

You had already left the water and were dressing yourself. I was completely dumbstruck. It was true then-you were really leaving. You really had no more to give me, and I had none to confide in. I remember I sat there in the chilling water, tasting my own salty tears. Trying to ask you if you really had to leave. You just nodded before I had finished my question at all, mumbling some excuse before giving me a chaste kiss, saying something about that you had truly enjoyed your stay in Imladris, and that you envied the lover that would have me one day. And with that you hurried out of the door.

The sound of my door slamming was the loneliest sound I had ever heard. I sat alone in the now cold water, trying to define what I felt inside. But it hurt too much; I did not want to feel anything right now. After the longest time I got up and left the cold water to wrap myself in a towel, grabbing a bottle I had in my drawer on the way. I settled myself in my chair, watching the cold fireplace. I opened the bottle and sighed before I took a gulp. Leaned my head back on the headrest and wept.

I wondered if you had left for Elladan's room to give him a similar salute. Why was I worrying about Elladan? I should be worrying about myself. I looked at the bottle. Had this much time gone by? I had drunk half the liquid in there. And I had still to reach that sweet state of numbness. I just felt even more sad…and just when I thought I had no more tears, I imagined you on your horse leaving in the same way you came, beautiful eternal and proud. And the tears began to flow once more.

My heart went out to poor Elladan; he had not had any experience in love. What if Haldir left him as heartbroken as he had left me? The prince was my protégé; he counted on my counsel, on me to listen to his trouble. I wondered if I could do that, if I could sit and listen to him crying his heart out at my shoulder, crying his heart out over my beloved, crying because Haldir left.

I decided hazily that I just had to endure that; I could not let down Elladan. I would stay his mentor; I had to put my own pains aside.

I looked once more on the bottle in my hand. It was empty. I sighed once more, looking out on the sunrise. I had to sober up; not that I felt drunk at all, but I needed rest. I was ever so tired, both in heart and soul. I threw the bottle in the fireplace and stood up, not even noticing that the towel fell to the ground, starting to dig out some clothing from the drawer. I would face this day as any other day.

/I am the Balrog-slayer./

Not some miserable Elf, sobbing over a lost lover. I am not that weak, I am… I felt my tears of despair start to run again; I wiped them away angrily. I wanted to keep my tears to myself. Haldir would never see them. I didn't want to show him my sorrow.

Who was I trying to convince? I would beg, plea, cry-whatever it took to make Haldir stay. Stay with me forever.

I shook my head and finished buttoning my robe. No! I was not going to show weakness. I would be Lord Glorfindel, the Seneschal of Imladris. I took a deep breath as I looked myself in the mirror. I looked terrible-my eyes were swollen and red, my face was a mix between red and ghostly pale. And just when I had given up, I heard a soft knock on the door; it was not Elrond, nor Haldir. This was one of the twins. I knew the way of their knock.

As I saw Elladan timidly peek inside, I forced myself to smile. Elladan beamed from happiness-this was far from the broken Elf I had expected. He greeted me good morning with a warm embrace, and then he looked at me and told me I looked terrible. I laughed softly and said I had not slept well. He looked at the shattered bottle in the fireplace; he then looked at me and asked me if I had been drinking. I nodded and pushed the issue aside, saying that I had been suffering from boredom and nightmares.

This, Elladan seemed to believe. He started run his fingers through my hair before braiding it, like he had done so many, many times before.

He then asked me if I was going to be there to see him off. I nearly turned around so fast he jerked out a handful of hair. I asked him if he was leaving, and hoped I did not sound too surprised or suspicious. He nodded and flashed me a brilliant smile before telling me that Haldir had asked him to accompany him back to Lothlorien. And Elrond had said yes. He had thought that Elladan could use a little holiday from all these old Elves cooped up in the Last Homely House.

I tried my hardest not to slap him, to push him away from me and cry. I had been expecting to console him, not to suddenly encourage him in his newfound happiness with you. I think I briefly closed my eyes and swayed on my feet. What ever I did right there apparently worried Elladan, as he grabbed my arm and shook me, asking if I were feeling all right.

I nodded wearily, and turned around once more, letting him finish up the braiding. I then put on my brave face before turning around once more. And this apparently fooled Elladan too, or at least he seemed so. Maybe he was just as good at wishing something so bad that he allowed it to consume him, so he could believe anything he wanted.

I ought to know, for I felt like the master at this art.

I embraced Elladan and told him I was so happy for him. He tried to look innocent and asked me what I meant, but when I told him I could see the love that radiated from him, he blushed. This was most irresistibly cute. He looked like I had found him stealing sweet cakes in the kitchen. He made me promise not to tell Lord Elrond-he was not sure he would let him go if his father knew the real reason why he wanted to travel with the March Warden. I smiled a bright smile, hoping I could hold my tears away.

It was time, and Elladan grabbed my arm, dragging me along with him. I had to do this, I could do this! I could face Elladan and you leaving together. As much as I felt sorry for myself, Elladan needed me to be happy for him. He counted on me.

When I finally stood there in the courtyard, I felt like the day I had watched you ride in here. You just danced in here and tore my heart to bits, and I just had to endure and understand. Elrohir must have sensed something Elladan did not, for he came and snaked an arm around mine, resting his head on my shoulder. Did he know?

And then you came, dragging your horse by its reins and placing it next to Elladan's. You then bid the household farewell, ending up with Elrohir and me. I had to lean up against him as you approached, you nodded at me and said that you bid me a fond farewell and you called me Lord Glorfindel. I took a deep breath and returned your gesture, wishing you a safe journey home and called you March Warden of Lorien. But then I looked in your eyes, those same hazel eyes that had been shining with mirth and sensual promises when you arrived. They were now dead to me. They looked upon me as you would look upon any other Elf.

I didn't even pay attention to when you greeted Elrohir. And I automatically hugged Elladan when he came to say his farewells too. And then, then I watched you and him ride out of the courtyard, you turned your head and looked at him, and your lips curled up in that mysterious smile I had loved so.

Never again would you smile like that to me, I knew it. It was over. I had served my purpose. This acknowledgement hit me like a hammer, and I whispered to Elrohir that I would like to go inside again. I was tired and needed to rest some…

/I am the Balrog-slayer, I can do this./

-The End-

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I challenged Milly to write a fic with me, or rather with the same given ratings, the same pairing, the same warnings and the same plot. We wished to see how different they would get though we are used to writing together. There are two sentences that we wanted to show up in both fic's, search them if you want. *winks* the 'above is shamelessly stolen from Milly's authors note :P'
I had allot of fun, and I actually wrote this fic twice cuz the first was CRAP, this one is far, far better I think. I wrote this originally as a song fic, for the tune "Jolene", I just later removed the lyric, so if you can get your hands on that tune that is super cool. (Let me tell you, its better with Sisters of Mercy, than with Dolly Parton) - I hope Milly had as much fun as me, let us make a real challenge one day, and see how many ppl will jump on *haha* - A million hugs and smooches for Miriel, who betaed this for me, in record time *yay*
- Az