Forever lost

Fandom: Lord of the rings

Pairing: Merry / Pippin

Rating: I’m not sure, something between PG-13 and N-17

Spoilers: The fellowship of the ring – Book and/or Movie.

Warnings: M/M-slash, (Male gay Fanfiction) , incest (they are cousins you know, though relationships between cousins seems pretty usual among hobbits), angst and a lot of tears (I have a weakness for crying males) and they are probably OOC. If this isn’t your cup of tea: Stop read now !

Disclaimers: Hail Tolkien ! He owns the whole LotR-universe, I’m just another fan, shamelessly borrowing his characters. Also a little hail to Peter Jackson and his crew, especially Billy and Dominic, for their great job with the movies. No money was made out of this story. (Seriously, do you really think someone would pay for this.)

Feedback: Always welcome, mail me at lengliorla@hotmail.com

Archive: Do you want it? Take it, I would actually be honoured that you like it so much that you wants to archive it. Just let me know where it’s going and keep my name on it. You can also link to my homepage http://www.angelfire.som/moon/forever_lost/index.html

Thanks to: My wonderful co-authors my husband Meriadoc Moonarrow and my faraway Mellon MJ for
their help, to MJ once again for beta-reading it. To my cousin, my partner in mischief and my best friend Belgemine for all the funny, bizarre, sad, hot and ridiculous twists in “It’s a MARVELous world”, you are a great inspiration. And of course to all of you out there that has given feedback to this story, encouraged me to continue to write.

Note: The Poem “You are…” I actually wrote to my husband at the time for our wedding. It was written in Swedish and then I translated it to English to use in this story. If you want to read the original poem you can find it at the end of this story.

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Forever Lost
By Lengliorla Goldenleaf.

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Chapter 1.

I've lost him forever: (Pippin's POV)

I've always loved him, you know, and why shouldn't I? I mean, he's my cousin, my partner in mischief and my best friend. He's the one that laughs at my jokes, even if they aren't a bit funny, and the one that comforts me when I'm sad or hurt. He's always there for me, especially when I get myself into deeper trouble then I can handle. Then he comes to stand by my side and share my punishment, even if he *is* innocent.

So why shouldn't I love him? I'm sure you would love a person that does as much for you as Merry does for me. There's nothing wrong with that is there? But no, who am I trying to fool? It's not the fact that I love him that's the problem, it's the fact that I'm *in love* with him and THAT changes the whole situation, doesn't it?

I always loved him for all the reasons I've already told you about and a million, no a billion, more reasons that I don't even understand myself. But it was only a few minutes ago I realized that I was in love with him.

It was a wedding, you see. Who's wedding isn't really important, but it was at the party after the ceremony it all began. I was wandering around, looking for Merry. I thought maybe we could do something fun together, like make "apple pie beds" in the guestquarters or something. But when I found him, I realized that he wouldn't be interested in mischief. He sat in a small meadow, his back against the trunk of a tree and he wasn't alone. Quickly, I hid myself behind some bushes.

At his side, just about sitting in his lap, was a beautiful lass. I remembered that I had seen her dancing with Merry earlier but they had looked more like friends to me. Though what they were doing now had nothing to do with friendship. She was kissing him passionately on his neck as her fingers worked at the buttons of his shirt. Her hands had slipped inside, touching his chest, her fingers soon followed by her lips, nibbling and licking her way back to the sensitive areas behind his ears.

I felt my jaw drop, my cheeks and ears burn, and my stomach turn into a knot, but it wasn't the lass I was looking at, it was him: my Merry. He was beautiful. His cheeks were red, he had his head tilted backwards, his eyes closed and his eyelids fluttering. His lips were slightly parted, swollen from kisses. I saw him licking them with his tongue. I heard his breath coming in heavy gasps and realized that I was breathing just as heavily.

For some reason I couldn't take my eyes off his lips. I started to think about how it would feel to kiss those lips and to be kissed by them in return. How it would feel to touch his skin in a whole different way, not as a friend but as a lover.

Without even thinking, I started to touch myself, running my hand over my chest and stomach, the other hand caressing my own face. I kissed my palm and my fingertips pretended it was Merry's lips and hands that did those things to me. I wanted it to be his lips; I wanted to be the one he kissed. I wanted to be the one who kissed him, the one that touched his body.

The lass leaned even closer and whispered something in his ear. He moaned and I felt a sting of jealousy. She had no right to do that; I was the one that would make him moan, that would lean against him like that and whisper how much I love him in his ear.

Then what I was thinking struck me: I love him. Yes, I do love him, I'm in love with him. I'm in love with Merry!

But I can't be, it's wrong, a male hobbit shouldn't love another male, it's unnatural. All the other hobbits would scorn me, laugh behind my back. And Merry would never accept it, he would only be disgusted over this unwanted affection. No, I can't let him know how I feel. I can't...

The feelings overwhelmed me - love, fear, grief - and I started to sob, a little too loudly. In an instant, the lass stopped her seducing of Merry and looked straight at my hiding place.
"Merry", she said quietly, "someone is spying on us, there in the bushes". She pointed in my direction.

"Really?" Merry rose from the ground and walked towards me. I tried to move, tried to run, but for some reason, my body refused to obey me. I stood frozen as Merry, *my* Merry, came closer and closer.

"Nobody has the right to spy on us!" Merry said angrily and stuck his strong hands into the bush. He gripped my arm so hard that it hurt and dragged me out from my hiding place. "Now let's see who's hiding." And then he looked at me. "Pippin," he said, overwhelmed by shock.

I looked back at him and I knew I had my whole heart and soul in my eyes, but I couldn't hide it. "Merry," I whispered and in that second, I knew I had lost him. "What...why..." He looked angry now. I felt tears fill my eyes, but I bit my lip hard, tasting my own blood. I would not give him the satisfaction of seeing me cry, not over him. Before he could say anything else, I turned around and ran. I heard him call my name, but I just kept running.

I didn't stop until my chest hurt from running and I couldn't breathe. Not until my head pounded as if it was about to explode, not until I lost track of both time and space. Then I stopped and sank to the ground, blinded by tears, sobbing beyond all comfort.

And now I can't go home. I can't face him ever again. I can't bear to see his disgust, his anger, maybe even his hate.

You know, I've always loved him, and why shouldn't I? He's my cousin, my partner in mischief and my best friend - and now I've lost him forever...

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Chapter 2.

My poem to Merry: (Pippin's POV)

"The only thing I can say, is that: 'You are my everything!'..."
I put the pen down and look at my poem, my poem to Merry. My tears are falling upon it.

I sit at the table in the hole that I share with Merry and drink beer. Of course, that's nothing strange, I've been drinking before. I'm a hobbit, after all. But back then, it was to have a good time with good friends, and then probably end up unconscious in a ditch somewhere, and wake up without the slightest clue how I got there. This time it is different, this time I drink for the single cause of becoming unconscious, I drink to forget. But for some stupid reason, it doesn't work. I'm as sober now as I was when I started drinking.

Every time I close my eyes, I see his face, I see the anger flash in his eyes, and in my mind I see his face turn into a grimace of disgust and hate. I throw the empty cup away, rise from the chair and wipe my tears away with my sleeve.

I know what I have to do now. I must leave, maybe forever. I must do it now, before Merry gets home. If I wait, I'll lose my courage.

But before I go, I have to let him know how I feel. I take the tearstained poem and put it on his bedside table where I know he will find it.

Then, I leave...

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Dearest Merry !
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You're my support, my source of energy
you're my will and my comfort.
You make my heart swell with pride
and causes love to rise and grow in my chest

And when you're hurt, and you seek my comfort,
you make me feel strong when I support you.
You fill me with eagerness and encourage me,
you're my inspiration and my passion.

You are the light that shines in my world,
when darkness is ruling inside me.
You are the darkness that lets me rest my eyes,
when the light in my life is blinding me.

You are my soulmate and my love forever.
You are my hope, my joy and my peace.
Promise me that you will always be near me,
today and tomorrow and for eternity

How can I, in words, even try to explain,
how much I love you and everything you are?
How much I want to be with you, forever and always.

The only thing I can say, is that:
'You are my everything!'



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I love you,

Pippin

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Chapter 3.

The morning after: (Merry's POV)

The sun is almost up when I start to walk back home.

As I walk, I remember Pippin's behavior the day before. That look in his eyes. I still don't believe it. He hasn't even looked at her before and now he acts like this.

I mean, if he was in love with her, he could have said that to me earlier, when I told him that I would ask her out. But no, he hasn't said a word about her and now he acts like this.

I feel myself become angry again. I even told him that I only asked her out to be nice, that I wasn't in love with her. And now, this!

Suddenly, I find myself outside our door. I call his name as I walk inside, but no one answers me.

"Pippin, where are you?" I search the rooms one by one, but no Pip. I guess he's still out, so I decide to go to bed.

As I sit down on the bed, my eyes fall on the bedside-table. There's a piece of paper on it. I can't remember if it was there yesterday. It looks like a poem. Almost automatically, I pick it up and start to read and as I read, I feel my heartbeat increase, my face go red and my eyes fill with tears.

"Pippin. Oh, Pippin." I read it over and over again, still unable to fully realize the meaning of it, my thoughts spinning. "It's me he loves, not her. It's me. He loves me! He loves me too!"

Then I see the 'PS' at the bottom of the letter.

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'I'm sorry if I offended you. I understand if you don't want to see me anymore. I don't think I can stand the fact that you hate me, so I've decided to go. I don't know where. Don't come and look for me.' /P.
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"No," I whisper, "It can't be. He can't be gone." I start to sob uncontrollably. "Oh Pippin," I hiccup through my sobs, "I don't hate you, I love you, too. I love you, too."

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Chapter 4.

I must find Pippin: (Merry's POV)

I wipe the tears away from my face and take a deep breath. I must find Pippin! I have to tell him how much I love him. Tell him that it's always been him, even when I've been with others. Tell him that I've pretended it was him kissing and caressing me instead of some girl I picked up, that I imagined his body under my fingers, his lips against mine. Tell him that I don't hate him, that I don't hate him at all.

But what if it's already too late? What if he's left the Shire for good and I'll never see him again? My stomach ties itself in knots at the mere thought of it. I will never see him again. Never see his face or hear his laughter, never share a secret or a private joke. Never play another prank. Never hug him, never hold him. Never kiss those lips I've wanted to kiss for so long. Never tell him... tell him that I love him. My eyes fill with tears again.

Then another thought hits me. What if something happens to him, when I'm not there to protect him? What if something has already happened, what if he's injured or in some kind of danger? What if he's lost and can't find his way back home? What if he's crying for me to find him right now!

But why should he cry for me? I was the one that drove him away. I was the one who hurt him and made him cry in the first place. I shouted at him. I don't think I could ever forget how he looked at that moment, tears rising in his eyes and spilling over. And that look in his eyes, the look that said everything - Hurt, yes. Fear, that too! But also friendship, lust and love. And it was all directed at me. It was all there so clearly. How could I have missed that, how could I have misunderstood that?

My guilty conscience makes me feel like I have a bucket of ice in my stomach. Pip gave me his heart and soul and all I did was shout at him.

That does it, I have to go out and search for him. I have to make everything right between us. Determined now, I go out through the door to find my love.

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Chapter 5.

I must go back (Pippin's POV)

I have no tears left to cry nor the strength to keep running. I sink to the ground and bury my face in my hands. I'm so stupid! Why did I have to run away? It seemed like such a good idea at the time, but now it feels only stupid. Stupid and cowardly.

I don't know what to do now, I have no place to go. And besides, even if I had, there is no other place I would rather be than with Merry. A life without Merry, without seeing him everyday, without hearing his voice or his laughter, even if he does hate me, a life like that would not be worth living. I could stand his scorn, I could stand his disgust, I could even stand his hate. But I can't stand not seeing him again.

If only there was a way for me to make everything right again. Maybe we could work it out. I could tell him how sorry I am. I could move to my own place so that he wouldn't have to be around me so much.

Maybe I could tell him that I was drunk and that everything was just a big misunderstanding. Yes, it could work!

But then I remember the poem. How it laid my heart and soul in his hand. How it told him my deepest desires. It would be very hard to explain that. I couldn't exactly tell him that the poem wasn't about him. I laugh in all my misery. I had written the poem to *him* and I even wrote "Dearest Merry" at the top of it. There's no way that he could miss that.

Maybe he hasn't read it yet. A stir of hope fills my heart. Yes, maybe he spent the night with her and hadn't had the chance to read it.

I know what I have to do. I must go back, I must get the poem before he has the chance to read it. Only then can things go back to normal.

I rise from the ground and hurry back home.

Maybe there is still hope.

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Chapter 6.

Lost to me: (Merry's POV)

Tears blur my vision as I run from our home. My hands are still clutching the poem he wrote, pressing it against my chest, against my heart.

It seems I run forever, searching, calling. Finally, I sit down against the trunk of a tree and rest my head on my my knees. The only thing I can think of is that I have to find him soon or my heart will break, not only from a guilty conscience, but of the pain of a love suddenly found and just as suddenly lost.

But where else can I look? I've already searched all of our favorite spots and hiding-places, though I somehow know that he won't be there. I've even asked friends and family. But that was more than useless.

Suddenly, I feel panic rise inside me. Where could he have gone? How far could he be? He could be anywhere by now. Maybe he's already beyond the borders of the Shire, lost to me forever.

Then I almost laugh, even in my grief. Maybe he's hiding close by. Hiding from me. I smile sadly, remembering all the times we played "hide and seek" with his sisters. How Pippin could come up with almost impossible hiding places that left us looking for him for hours. All those times taught me something very important: if Pippin doesn't want to be found, I won't find him.

I sigh deeply. But no, I can't sit here, I must continue my search. I won't rest until I find him. As I rise from the ground, I suddenly see a familiar figure at the end of the road.

Pippin! It's Pippin! Tears of joy fill my eyes as I begin to run towards him, his tear-stained poem still clutched tightly to my chest.

Pippin!

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Chapter 7:

Too Late For Everything (Pippin’s POV)

I’m hurrying back home as quickly as I can. The only thing on my mind is that I have to get home before Merry does. I have to destroy the poem before he gets a chance to read it, before he realizes my feelings for him.

“Pippin!”

Suddenly, I hear someone call my name and I look around. And I see him.

Merry!

My hearts jumps from pure joy before I see what he holds in his hands. Then my blood turns to ice in my veins. The poem. My poem!

A moaning “No” escapes from my lips. It’s too late now: too late to destroy the poem, too late to run away, too late for everything.

“Pippin!” Merry calls again and comes running towards me. His voice is choked with tears and I feel tears rise in my eyes as well. I sink to the ground, sobbing, waiting for the blow of disgust that will no doubt come.

“It’s too late!” I think to myself, not realizing that I spoke the words out loud. Then I feel Merry kneeling by my side, his hands stroking my hair. “Pippin?” he says, and the soft tone of his voice brings more tears to my eyes. How can he sound so loving, so caring, when he knows the truth? I know he hates me, so why is he toying with me like this?

“Pippin?” he says again “What's too late?”

My body shakes with sobs and my words stick in my throat, but I force myself to reply to him. “Everything, it’s too late for everything!”

Then I feel his arms around me, his lips against my hair, and all I can do is let him hold me.

“Pippin!” he whispers, “I thought you were gone forever. How dare you run away from me like that!”

“I’m sorry,” I cry against his shoulder. “I’m sorry I spied on you, I’m sorry I ran away, I’m sorry about the poem!”

All of a sudden, he jerks away and I feel him staring at me. Is he angry now? Is he sorry he came after me?

Is he going to leave?

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Chapter 8:

“Confessions” (Merry’s POV)

Pippin's last word makes me feel like I've had a bucket of cold water dumped over my head.

“What do you mean?!" I stutter, trying to ignore the pain in my heart. “You’re sorry about the poem?” Pippin doesn’t answer me at first, so I ask him again. This time he looks at me and nods, and at that moment, I can feel my heart break.

How could I have been so foolish? How could I believe that he actually meant what he wrote? He was probably drunk and not thinking straight. I’ve also done things when I’ve been drunk that I regretted the day after, but I’ve never written a love-poem like he did.

A little voice inside me whispers that that poem didn’t seem at all like the rambling of a drunken person, and it occurs to me now that I’ve seen Pippin drunk before and I know that he can’t even put two words together in a sentence when he's had too many pints. Oh, shut up, I tell the inner voice. Of course he was drunk, why else would he be sorry for writing it? I know I’m tormenting myself, but I need to know, I need to hear him say it.

“So you didn’t mean it…the poem, I mean?”

Pippin smiles sadly at me. I can barely hear his voice when he finally speaks.

“No... I mean yes… I mean, I meant every word, it’s just… I’m just sorry that you read it because now you know the truth and…" His voice breaks and he starts crying again. “… and now you'll hate me forever and not be my friend any more. I'm sorry!” He rises from the ground and wipes his tears away angrily. “It was foolish for me to turn back.” And he starts to walk away.

I just stand there, dumbfounded for a couple of seconds before realizing what‘s happening: Pippin, the love of my life, is walking away from me. I’m going to loose him again.

“Wait!” I shout, but all of a sudden he starts to run. “No! Pippin, wait for me! Don’t run away from me again!”

I'm out of breath when I finally catch up with him. He closes his eyes and refuses to look at me. "Pippin!?” I say softly, trying to put everything I feel into my voice. “Did you really mean what you wrote?” He gives me a small nod, but he still won’t look at me. “Did you mean that I am your support, your inspiration, your passion, your light? Did you mean that I’m your soul mate? Did you mean that you love me?”

Pippin takes a deep breath and then he speaks so low that I barely can hear him. “Yes, I meant everything! You are my everything!”

“Oh, Pip. Why didn't you just... Oh, Pippin, that makes me so happy, because I feel the same way about you!”

Then I do what I’ve wanted to do for such a long time: I lean forward and I kiss him.

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Chapter 9:

“Lost and found” (Pippin’s POV)

He’s kissing me?! Merry is kissing me?! Every thought, every sound - everything around me - melts away at the feeling of his lips against mine. I’m so surprised by the kiss that at first I don't respond at all, I just stand there and let him kiss me.

Until I feel him start to pull away.

Then a strange sound, something between a sob and a groan, escapes from my throat and I grab his shoulders hard, forcing his lips back against mine, holding him even closer. My hands travel over his back and bury themselves in his hair. I moan against his lips and Merry seems to know just what to do. Before I know it, he slips his tongue between my lips and suddenly I'm tasting him. He tastes so sweet, just as I always thought he would.

We stand there kissing for the longest time until we're both so breathless we have to stop. “Oh Pippin!” Merry says and the tone of his voice, so warm, so loving, makes my legs turn to water. I slip down to the ground and Merry joins me. Everything inside me is hot now, and fuzzy, as I feel Merry put his arms around me once more. “Pippin, my Pippin!” he whispers, and then he kisses me again.

This time we take it slower. We take all the time we need to taste each other, to feel each other. I realize I’m crying again, but this time it’s tears of joy. Merry is here with me, he loves me and everything
is exactly as it's supposed to be.

“Merry!” I moan against his lips and I feel him shiver. “I love you, Merry!”

A sob shakes his body and he buries his face at the crook of my neck, his tears wetting my shirt. “Oh, Pippin, I love you so much!” he sobs and hold me even harder. “It’s always been you, never her, never anyone
else, only you!”

A huge joy fills me at the sound of his words. “Then kiss me again!” I say, and he does. “Hold me close!” I say, and he does. I swallow the lump in my throat and whisper my final request “Stay with me. Don't ever
leave me. Never let me leave you!”

He looks at me with his beautiful eyes. “I’ll never leave you, Pippin, I’ll stay with you as long as you promise you won’t run away again.”

“I promise!” I whisper, and seal the promise with a kiss.

Then Merry rises from the ground and pulls me up beside him. “Come on, my love, let’s go home!”

The sun is shining on us as we start back up the path. I slip my hand in his and he moans as I whisper in his ear, “I love you, Merry. You are my everything!”


The End !? For 1O reviews I write an Epilogue

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The Poem in Swedish / Dikten på Svenska


Älskade Meriadoc!
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Du är mitt stöd och min energikälla,
Du är min vilja och du är min tröst
Du får mitt hjärta att av stolthet svälla,
Och kärlek att översvämma mitt bröst

Du söker hos mig den tröst som jag giver
Får mig känna mig stark när jag ger dig stöd,
Du fyller mig med den djupaste iver,
Du är min inspiration och min glöd.

Du är det livsljus som varmt mot mig strila,
Då nattsvarta mörkret tycks rå inom mig
Du är mitt mörker som låter mig vila,
När ljuset mig bländar på livsfärdens stig.

Du är min själsfrände, och evigt kära,
Du är mitt hopp, du min glädje och frid.
Lova mig att alltid var mig nära:
Idag och i morgon och för evig tid.

Hur skall jag kunna i ord här förklara,
Hur mycket jag älskar dig och din gestalt,
Hur gärna jag alltid hos dig nu vill vara.
Jag kan bara säga att:
"Du är mitt allt"

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Jag älskar dig,

Lengliorla