Back Away From that Bon-Bon (2/2)

Title: Back Away From that Bon-Bon (1/2) (Sequel to "Lunch is Served") farce
Author/Email: sandyg writearts2@earthlink.net
Pairing: mainly A/L but horny old Elrond is desperately trying for some action.
Rating: R total farcype:ype: FPS
Summary: Before the Mismatch of the Age, as a fed-up Elrond calls the silly Fellowship, he tries to pull a sexy fast one over on the pristine perfect pale Prince of Mirkwood. Will his ruse work?
Disclaimer: Pure fiction and complete character trouncing. No one is spared, especially in chapter 2.
A/N: This is proof that I am loosing my mind. Now Legolas is channeling the little blonde brat from "The Bad Seed." The second part is even worse. But this is the world premier!!! Huzzah!

*********************************

Legolas burped delicately before dabbing his sculpted lips with a fine linen napkin. Mmm, that generous heap of deep-fried cheese and potato puffs tasted delicious, especially when drenched in the heavy sage butter sauce and topped ric rich sour cream.

He really should stop eating so much but Imladris offered such superior food! Not like his dreary Mirkwood where every other meal featured spider: boiled spider, baked spider, sautéed spider, spider quiche, rack of spider ribs, spider soup, spider muffins, spider brain pudding, spider cookies, and spiced spider eyeball jelly. Since his crazy old Daddy hated all the nasty spiders despoiling his realm he loved hunting them down and devouring their icky flesh as a final revenge. Yuck.

Frankly Legolas thought the entire concept totally disgusting, which is why when he lived at Mirkwood he retained his slim willowy figure. He didn’t eat much; "can I have a salad" was his catch phrase.

Oh yes, thinking of his Daddy made Legolas remember why he actually visited Rivendell. In the all excitement over meeting his future manly mate and the nasty old Ring confusion Legolas’ initial purpose slipped his mind. Well, next time he saw Elrond he’d remember to tell him the news.

Sprawling back against the settee Legolas patted his curved middle. OK, perhaps he had gained a little weight. All right, be honest, in the month since Aragorn had entered into his backdoor of love Legolas had developed an impressively fat gut. All he did aside from being ravaged by his man was lounge around and stuff his perfect lips with the rich fattening treats that dear Chef Mrantik sent over in endless heaps. Yes, flirting with the Chef supplied Legolas with all the wicked treats he needed.

Pooh, at least Aragorn didn’t care about Legolas’ weight. As long as the limber Legolas twisted manly Aragorn into a passion pretzel every night Aragorn felt happy because Aragorn loved Legolas to pieces. Legolas’ shapely round belly certainly didn’t interfere with his incredible sexual prowess so why should he care? Hmph, Legolas always thought that he looked too skinny and now he looked decadently voluptuous. During this stupid Fellowship mission, due to begin in a week, he’d wear down into an emaciated little stick Elf so he’d better bulk up now.

Everyone still drooled over him because he was the loveliest Elf in all Middle Earth so there.

A soft knock on the sitting room door made Legolas glance up from debating over which strawberry and peach cream bon-bon looked best. He doubted if it was his Aragorn; the constantly horny Aragorn would simply burst in, snatch Legolas from the settee, throw him in bed and start pumping and grunting. It was a good thing Elrond granted Legolas all the considerations of home or else he’d have to stay naked in his room. Manly Aragorn proved rough on the clothing.

Rising Legolas smoothed his extremely snug blue tunic over his considerable belly. "Yes?"

"Tis I, Legolas."

Gods not again! Ha, talk about constantly horny...Legolas pouted and rolled his wide eyes. "Elrond, what do you want? I’m busy."

"I need but a second of your time, fair one."

Yes, and a second to try and grope me, thought Legolas. Still, he couldn’t exactly refuse old Elrond’s entry. The testy I-own-this-place Elf would only make a scene and embarrass them both. After unlocking the door Legolas quickly trotted back to the small sitting room’s opposite side and ducked behind the settee. He decided to act sweet. Time for a devastatingly sexy smile crossed with a limpid, wide-eyed gaze. Yes, the number 4 combo.

As he opened the door Elrond created his usual high drama entrance. Warily eyeing the Elf Lord from across the room Legolas thought that the old git acted like he heard trumpets blaring inside his head. Hail to Lord Elrond! Gods, what a pretentious ditz!

Pausing regally Elrond drew himself up to his tall slender height and tried not to let his panting tongue loll from his mouth. He couldn’t help it; even with his funny belly lovely Legolas was still the hottest thing this side of Mordor’s belching firepits. The glittering Elf prince was everything Elrond could wish for; lovely, conceited, pretentious, oversexed and totally in love with himself. Yes, Legolas mirrored many key facets in Elrond’s own special personality. Perfect. But did Legolas fall for him? Nooo, the little gold digger fell for manly albeit thick as a plank Aragorn. A pissed-off Elrond knew scheming Legolas lusted after being Queen or what ever he’d be... Royal Prince Consort or Bossy Blonde Bitch or whatever inane title they’d come up with for a male Queen. Imagine! Bah, when Elrond was Gil-galad’s supreme Elf toy he was just the stupid standard bearer. Big deal. No one made him Queen. Of course after Gil-galad died Elrond could have been king but why be a breathing target? No thanks.

Elrond knew his Arwen also wanted to rest her broad backside in a throne but his big dumb daughter still hadn’t let it sink in that Aragorn was porking Legolas morning, noon and night. Elrond had seen some heavy denial in his time but his bovine daughter took the lembas.

The silly wench didn’t even absorb the hot hints that catty Granny Galadriel dropped in her pointy ear. Talk about dense! Well, face it, Momma Celebrian’s intelligence also slept at basement level. Elrond’s nasty little joke was the only brain Celebrian came close to possessing was in her name. One letter off, just like her. Heheh, brawny Glorfindel always got a charge from that one. Glorfindel loved mispronouncing Celebrian’s name on purpose just to see her slow stupid reaction.

But Legolas, ahh, now this sly plump slut proved plenty savvy. Well, Elrond still planned on pulling one night of raunchy pleasure out of the stunning Elf. As he admired Legolas Elrond darted his gaze to the table and the stack of empty serving trays. Oh yes, Legolas had been busy all right, with his eating. Nothing new there; Chef Mrantik spend more time crafting delicacies for the sexy Prince than he did preparing Elrond’s meals. That wasn’t fair.

Clearing his elegant throat and stamping down his woody Elrond stalked across the small room and stood next to Legolas. Legolas offered him a charming smile then ran around to the settee’s other side. Elrond smiled in equal grace and edged around the settee. Legolas’ smile slipped as he sidestepped to the room’s other side. Holding out his bony hands Elrond slowly stalked forward.

By the Gods Legolas wasn’t in the mood for Elrond’s grabby hijinks. Giving up on his false smile Legolas grabbed a bon-bon and hurled it at Elrond’s nose. Elrond’s quick fingers easily plucked the delicious missile out of the air and popped the sweetie in his mouth.

Hissing in annoyance Legolas pranced over to a silver candelabra, grabbed it and threateningly waved the weapon before him. "I bet if I throw this ugly thing at your regal skull you won’t pop it in your wide old mouth! Look, you lecherous fart, haven’t we been through this enough? You are not getting your old paws on this prime Elven real estate! I am Aragorn’s main Elf, get the picture? Come on, you’re the lofty old Lord of Wisdom so I think you know what I am saying, right?"

While grinding his teeth in frustration Elrond almost slipped and stamped his foot in petty anger. No, that would not do. Instead he adopted his classic wounded look. "Legolas, my dear sweet youth, are you accusing me of trying to molest you? My word, that is a highly serious charge and..."

Legolas’ full lips performed an extremely rude noise unbefitting to a pristine beauty. "Oh please stop the lofty Lord blah-blah already! And stop undressing me with your damned icy eyes! You already know what I look like naked so lay off. I let you see me naked in hot and heavy sexual action so treasure that glorious vision, oh mighty Lord of Lust, because you will never have an opportunity like that ever. Not in any Age." Legolas shuddered. "It’s creepy the way you always mentally undree ale although at least you don’t rip my clothing. Hey, did you forget to teach my Aragorn manners? He rips at least an outfit a day. He’s worse than an Orc on dragon’s blood fruit*!"

Elrond rolled his silvery eyes. "Bah, he picked that nasty habit up from Glorfindel. Once that wild old Elf smells sex he goes insane and starts ripping. I should know because..." Elrond snapped his thin lips shut. No, let’s keep quiet about the long ago days when Glorfindel ripped off Elrond’s clothing on a regular basis and pushed his face into a pillow before diving into the fudge pudding pool. Regal Elrond didn’t want Legolas thinking he was a common slutty bottom.

"Well the pretty boy is completely out of control but I admit his lust is a consummate tribute to my stunning beauty." Brandishing the candlestick again Legolas arched a perfectly manicured brow. "Look, you ancient pervert, what do you want? If you just came here to drool at me again you had your turn. So talk or get out."

Elrond presented Legolas with his top shelf patronizing smile before he gracefully sank down to the settee and crossed his long legs. "My, my, my, Legolas, if only Middle Earth could see the true you. Funny how you drop all that frail sweetness and light nonsense when you’re with me. That’s because we know each other too well." Shaking his head Elrond delicately curled his elegant upper lip. "I daresay you don’t act so haughtily high and mighty with your manly Aragorn, eh? Although he’s slow he might put you in your proper place; like under a large rock."

Smirking nastily Legolas rolled his eyes in vast amusement. "Pfft, you silly old goat, do I look as stupid as one of your demented children?"

Elrond almost winced. Fine, so his children weren’t the sharpest arrows in the quiver but Legolas didn’t need to rub it in. Choosing to ignore that last insult Elrond stroked his skinny braids away from his wonderfully high-boned cheeks and went for the number 3 imperious glance. "All right. Look, dear one, I found something most fascinating in my files. I think you need to take a look."

"What is it?" Still clutching the heavy candlestick Legolas warily slunk over to the settee. Instead of making a grab for him old Elrond calmly held an ancient-looking parchment rd hrd him. "What, is that an smarmy love letter from big butch Gil-galad? A maple vanilla bon-bon recipe from your Momma?" Legolas pursed his lips. Now that notion sounded good.

"Read it and find out." Elrond playfully twitched the parchment at Legolas’ suspicious face.

Lunging forward Legolas snatched the parchment then he quickly walked backwards, still holding the candlestick before him. "Now don’t try anything funny while I’m reading. I possess accurate aim."

As he relaxed and draped his arms along the settee’s back Elrond purred in suggestive delight. "Oh, young one, do tell me about your accurate aim."

"Yeah, you old fart, you wish you’d be on the receiving end of my special hot arrow of love." Crinkling his nose Legolas dropped his wide gaze and scanned the parchment’s message. A low squeak of pure alarm escaped his perfectly shaped red lips. What in Elbereth’s Sacred Excited Nipples was this joke? Huffing in fury Legolas glared over at the reclining Elrond. "All right, where did you find this ridiculous piece of Orc dung?"

Elrond pursed his lips and waggled his elegant hands. "In a file I had saved of my dear Gil-galad’s rules and laws. Obviously my poor dear lover never finished that interesting law so it’s not widely known." Elrond paused for a touching respectful moment. It proved almost impossible to pull off since he wanted to laugh in delight at Legolas’ shocked face. The pretty Elf looked like an innocent deer after realizing he just wandered into a festive we’re-awaiting-the-main-course-and-here-it-comes Orc bar-b-que.

As he fumed Legolas stared down at the parchment again before he slammed the candlestick back onto the table. Whoops... he drove the heavy silver thing right through the delicate carved top. Temper, temper! Oh pooh, when he saw what las las had done a hysterical Erestor was going to bitch slap him back to last Tuesday. That crazy old Elf acted fanatical about anything in Rivendell. You would think he owned the place!

"Legolas, when you’re finished breaking my custom mahogany table from Numenore that was a birthday present from my dear departed brother come sit by me so we can talk." Controlling his urge to pitch a class 2 temper tantrum Elrond patted the red velvet settee. Ooo, he hated seeing his possessions doyedoyed. All right, personally he thought the fussy table was dead ugly which is why he placed the tacky thing in the royal guestroom. But it was the thought that counted.

Instead of complying Legolas firmly folded his slender arms across his chest. "No way, fast fingers! This is a farce! Beside, you aren’t really Aragorn’s Father and I am not... a damned bride!"

Adopting his finest soulful gaze Elrond waved one long finger toward Legolas. "Ahh, if I remember correctly I did raise Aragorn and protected him when he was a snot-nosed, bed-wetting brat. That lasted until he was 15. And now you are planning on joining with my dear dense son, correct?" Elrond coyly arched both thin brows in his best "you’re screwed, honey" manner.

Growling softly Legolas stamped his feet. His soft belly jiggled against him like a fleshy vibrator. Hmm, my Gods, that felt really sexy. Shaking his head Legolas refocused on Elrond’s indecent proposal. "So you want me to devote an entire night to you before I join with Aragorn?"

"That’s all I ask, fair one, and all I can have." But by Ulmo’s Mossy Teeth it was going to be one epic hot sweaty night complete with every sex toy Elrond could get his ancient hands on. Mental note: ask Galadriel to borrow her custom-built sex toys. He’d gladly lick her delicate pale feet or whatever fetish she was into these days for the loan.

Sucking on a thin braid Legolas frowned. This just wasn’t right! Still trying for excusegolagolas tossed his beautiful long golden hair, released his braid and pouted in angry annoyance. "Come now, you randy old goat, don’t you think my devoted Aragorn is going to take offense to our night of casual sex?"

Elrond serenely shrugged his broad shoulders. "Bah, Aragorn has no say in the matter. Also you’re hardly a blushing virgin so that’s certainly not an issue. Beside, Aragorn would never buck Elven law. He’s too scared of me." And if he tried Elrond would set the deranged twins and horny Glorfindel on him for that night. After being bent over and poked by gigantic Glorfindel the manly human would never walk straight again.

Elrond knew that for a fact. Folks thought old Elrond stalked because it was his classic idiom but in reality after enjoying hung like a Balrog Glorfindel’s repeated deep lancings he had trouble walking normally. Elrond had devised his regal stalk to disguise his near limp.

Hmm, enough thinking about gay old times. Remaining silent Elrond cocked his head in a gesture that made him look like a predatory praying mantis. He knew glorious Legolas was desperately trying to think of a way out of Elrond’s little scheme. No good, my sweet chubby-wubby. You were mine for one dangerous, long, painful night.

Biting his red lower lip Legolas waved the parchment at Elrond. "Look, Elf Lord, how do I know this is for real? You’re slippery enough to make this whole thing up!"

Huffing in insult Elrond worked hard to look regally offended. Damn, this lovely Elf proved a bit too clever for his liking. Elrond must remember he wasn’t dealing with his children, goofy Glorfindel or obsessive Erestor. "Legolas, are you daring to accuse me of manufacturing a document that..."

Legolas almost jumped up and down in frustration. "Cut to the chase! Y-E-S! I think this piece of nonsense is fake."

Smiling like a contented cobra Elrond relaxed back again and crossed his arms over his firm chest. "And pray tell how do you intend on proving it?"

Those words stopped Legolas cold. Yes, how would he do that? Thinking frantically he finally blurted out, "Erm... well... I... I’ll have Gandalf test the paper for age accuracy!"

Elrond mentally nodded. That plan was good but not good enough. He already covered that angle; this parchment was truly old. Since you never knew when you’d need something Elrond seldom threw anything away. It’s why Rivendell possessed so much storage space. After a few thousand years one accumulated plenty of junk. "But my Prince, as you can see the parchment is obviously quite ancient."

Scrunching up his face in petty anger Legolas laughed. "Ha, but it’s not as ancient as your scrawny old ass. Look, Elrond, I am sincerely flattered that you want me so badly that you’d go out of your way to make up some loony old law but.."

"How about a prime piece of river front real estate with your own custom vacation home, servants and, since you enjoy our food, I’ll even lend you my chef." Elrond rolled his narrowed gaze over Legolas’ portly belly. Ha, he never picked vain Legolas for the type who, once he snared what he wanted, would let himself go. Yes, once they joined in unholy matrimony Aragorn would enjoy plenty of soft pale Elf flesh warming his royal bed. "That’s quite an offer, eh?"

Legolas’ elegantly pointed pri pricked forwardoughough his silken hair like two expensive homing devices. "How many rooms?"

Elrond smiled in contentment. Ho, ho, he finally cornered the mercenary young slut. "10 rooms? Fifteen? I’ll even throw in an exact replica of the Tarve’nt pavilion." Holding up a regal finger Elrond shook his head. "But don’t become too greedy on me; after all, I did set up the special event that allowed you to snare your Aragorn. I gave you the King."

Another rude little snort echoed in the room. "Big deal. I would have snared him on my own and don’t you forget I let you watch us. Would you like that news to leak free? Ooo, regal Lord Elrond is nothing but a pervy old voyeur."

A light sneer tainted Elrond’s thin lips. "Ha, you young piece of blonde fluff, try that unwise stunt and next time you sing a sweet little Elf tune it will be at a much higher pitch than usual."

Legolas waved his hand. "All righon’ton’t twist your leggings in a bunch. Geesh. You have no sense of humor." Falling silent Legolas tapped his long manicured nails against the parchment. He did like the idea of leaking the news but he also believed Elrond’s threats. Legolas’ Daddy always said that the old git’s vengeful streak was as big as his ego. That was one big streak. Of course the exact same thing could be claimed of Daddy so...

Hmm, the vacation home sounded like a fine offer. Oh go on, act sweet to the old fart. Glancing up through his long dark lashes Legolas carefully eyed Elrond. Yes, fine, he was a handsome Elf but he was so freakin’ old! Ha, what a bonus; the old coot would probably pass out after an hour of Legolas’ tried and true techniques so what was the big deal? A house along the river would be nice for vacations away from dreary old Minas Tirith. "All right, my Lord of Perversion, you win. One night then you promise you’ll stop trying to grab my perfect ass all the time, correct?"

"I swear." Trying not to drool in excitement Elrond whipped out a fresh parchment from under his robe. It looked to be two feet long. "Now if you’ll just sign and date this for me..."

Legolas hissed in disbelief. "You made up an elaborate contract for me? Don’t you trust my royal word?"

Elrond only smiled and held up the stupendous contract. "Are you going to sign this or are you going to stand there and ask me more stupid questions?"

Looking like a cornered badger Legolas bared his perfect white teeth. "Oh ho, what about me? I have to rely on your word or can I make you swear on your thick-skulled brats lives that you’ll never grope me again?"

Rolling his eyes in frustration Elrond pulled out another contract, it already signed and dated by him. Yes, he understood this conniving beautiful creature all too well.

After he sniffed and threw his long mane across his shoulders just because the gesture lookedy Ley Legolas snatched both contracts from Elrond’s long fingers. His suspicious eyes scanned both documents. Oh hold on.... Legolas wanted 15 rooms, a whirlpool, pretty male servants under 40 and a full time human masseuse, preferably 6’4, with waist-length deep red hair, a cock the size of a mature beech branch and hard chest muscles to die for on call 24/7. Once Legolas changed his contract he signed his florid swishy signature and tossed the contracts back into Elrond’s lap. "There. Happy?"

As he tucked the contracts into his velvet robe Elrond licked his thin lips in wet anticipation. "My beauty, you can’t imagine."

Legolas crinkled his perfect nose and angrily stuffed three large bon-bons into his mouth. Oh well, it was only one night.

Elrond tried not to smile in triumph. Legolas’ keen gaze had obviously missed clause 54f v2 section q that stated unless Elrond felt perfectly happy with every move that Legolas made they must repeat the act each year.

Elornd knew he was always going to find fault in Legolas’ performance. Ha, that was a given. Although he did accept that he’d probably be making love to one fat Elf. That suited him fine. Ah well, wet hot sex with a roly-poly beauty was still wet hot sex.

Once Legolas gulped down his delicious mouthful he pointed at the door. "I do believe the door is over there so find the knob, twist and go."

Rising from the settee Elrond shook his head. "Has anyone ever told you that you display the personality of a wounded barracuda?"

"Not recently." Another bon-bon met its doom.

"What a pity. Very well, I need to meet with Erestor about the departure banquet." Elrond almost sneered "although you don’t need any more treats" but he decided to act diplomatic.

Before Elrond reached the door Legolas suddenly waved his hands into the air. Elrond paused and stared at the Prince. "What is it?"

Legolas swallowed his bon-bon then he ld vad vaguely guilty. "Erm, I never did tell you why I came here in the first place."

Elrond frowned then cocked his head again. Yes, why did this beautiful prince just show up? Elrond never gave it much thought since he felt so happy to resume chasing Legolas around again. "I somehow gather it wasn’t to see me."

Snorting in laughter Legolas clapped his hands. "Oh you are a funny one. No, with all the drama and excitement around here Daddy’s message slipped my mind. Bure gre goes; Gollum escaped."

Pursing his thin lips in annoyance Elrond glared at the blonde beauty. "I beg your pardon? Did I hear you correctly?"

Prentending to mock cringe Legolas snickered. "Elrond, stop the eternal role playing. Your nice pointy ears heard me just fine. Unfortunately Daddy took all his elite guard out spider hunting and he, err, left the ugly little creep alone for a few hours. The critter somehow slipped his shackles and scampered off." Examining another bon-bon Legolas shrugged. "Is that a big deal? I mean he’s just some insane little monster always going on about his precious."

Elrond dropped his head back, stared at the ceiling and patiently counted to 50. No, it would not do to slay the object of his desire.

In the long silence Legolas ate three more bon-bons. What was all this new drama?

Snapping his chin back down Elrond hissed in fury. "That so-called little creep once possessed the One Ring and he’s dangerously insane."

"Oh I sussed that detail out. Daddy put me on guard duty a few times and talk about deranged! So that’s what all that precious nonsense was about. Huh. Interesting. He certainly doesn’t look like the type to control such a powerful piece of tacky jewelry. Well, sorry, he’s back out in the world. Daddy also says sorry but he stresses he never wanted the responsibility of watching the mutated freak in the first place." After seeing the furious expression on Elrond’s handsome face Legolas decided to skip the small detail that he was supposed to be on guard duty during Gollum’s escape. Whoops. At the time his weekly oatmeal and honey facial seemed more crucial. Hmm, maintaining pristine pores or watching a little creep mutter to himself. Ha, easy choice.

Just once Elrond wanted to cast aside his restrained, learned personality and conduct utter mayhem. Just once. Glaring at Legolas he clenched his fists and considered performing a few unspeakable acts on that lustrous pale flesh.

Swallowing his next bon-bon Legolas waved his hand toward Elrond. "Elrond, you don’t look so good. I think you need a long nap. Here, before you go do you want another bon-bon? Dear Chef outdid himself. These taste amazing."

Elrond’s strangled mind chanted one phrase over and over. Remember, wet hot sex with this beautiful creature every year. Every year. Elrond’s destructive fury slowly fell away.

But by the Gods he’d bring a nice gag with him.

TBC