Get Your Hand Off My... Haldir/Elrond NC-17

Title: Get Your Hand Off My... Haldir/Elrond NC-17
Author: sandyg
Email: writearts2@earthlink.net
Catergory: Dark comedy with major non-com sex
Pairing: Haldir/Elrond
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Big Time slash! A wounded and embarrassed Elrond needs help from one of his least favorite people. Th go go very wrong.
Feedback: Sure.
Warnings: Injury and rape.
Disclaimer: Pure fiction

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Now this stupid day proved dreadfully embarrassing. Awful. Highly unseemly.

Hissing in dire pain I carefully dragged myself across the leaf-strewn grass to a nearby mallorn tree. My horse was long gone, the poor creature completely spooked by the short battle.

Short indeed. I do believe I had just been attacked by the four shortest Orcs in all Middle Earth. One minute I was riding along trying to relax in the silent forest then in the next I had four stunted Orcs thrusting thfiltfilthy claws up at me. Gods, I didn’t appreciate being slashed in such a precious part of my male anatomy. Once I hit the ground I fended the pint-sized monsters off but then they tried stealing my horse. Smart horse; first wily Hira struck out with his iron-shod hooves then he fled back toward Caras Galadhon. I hoped that one of the watchful Lorien March Wardens would find him and realize why my horse was roaming about sans rider. Sometimes these Lorien fellows could be dense but even they could piece together that simple puzzle. Ha, there was enough of my lifeblood spilled across my stallion to raise the alarm.

At least I hoped an alarm would be raised. My current standing in Lorien wasn’t the best, especially since Celebrian and I had just revealed our unsettling news. Gods, I thought Galadriel was going to break a decorative chair over my head. The only reason she didn’t throw me out was because she felt even more furious with her daughter. I wasn’t happy either; Celebrian never told me that one of the reasons shavelaveled to Aman was due to a Mirkwood Elf named Oiolaire. What a silly name. Only a Mirkwood wood-elf would name a child after a tree. Flaky ninnies.

This romantic Elf, he an ambassador from Thranduil’s court, had sailed across the sea a few hundred years ago. Oh why how sad; this noble Elf felt so consumed with passionate love for my wife that he couldn’t remain in Middle Earth. Now Celebrian wanted to follow her heartbroken lover for she knew he waited for her.

The ex-lover tale was news to me and not pleasant news at that, especially since we had discussed exactly what we planned on telling Celeborn and Galadriel. No talk of an ex-lover was ever mentioned. Bah, I supposed Celebrian didn’t want to hurt my feelings but still, I felt stunned that she conducted an affair. Not that I minded, since I certainly hadn’t been lonely during our marriage, but I minded more because I never sensed what was going on. Yes, I detested not knowing what happened in my own realm! The lmademade me feel stupid, which wasn’t my favorite emotion.

Of course my now ex-wife acted gracious about our long relationship. She insisted that her departure had nothing to do with how I treated her. I had been a caring (albeit unfaithful) husband and I was an excellent er, er, which is why Celebrian felt confident leaving our three lovely children with me.

I knew Galadriel wanted to blame everything on me but once Celebrian told her tale of romantic woe she couldn’t. Ha, too bad for the Lady. Strangely enough during the unpleasant conversation I sensed a definite tension between mother and daughter that went beyond our current discussion. Celebrian acted defiant with her powerful Mother, almost accusing. That wasn’t normal. Of course instead of reacting to anything Celeborn remained his usual silent self. Typical. Then again after centuries of living with the quick-tempered Galadriel it would be natural to regard speech as something that only got you into trouble.

After the torturous meeting concluded I needed to clear my head. Instead I now found myself brought low by tiny Orcs. This was not a good day.

Trying to ignore the boiling agony darting through my groin I finally hauled myself to the protective tree trunk. When I flopped back against the rough bark my eyes viewed the slimy trail of dark red blood that had leaked from my skewed groin and slashed legs. It looked like a large bloody slug had slithered across the grass. Well, that described my current state, eh?

My worried eyes stared down at my blood-coated thighs. Bah, I felt afraid to look. Extremely afraid. If I had been gelded then I would just take my sharp dagger, jam it into my throat and rip across. Yes, the thought of being emasculated by midget Orcs was too much for my ancient pride. I’d rather be dead.

Oh nonsense. Quite acting so childish. Go ahead and look! Beside, I didn’t see any of my pale flesh lying in the grass so that was a positive sign. Well, one of the beasts could have already eaten it.

No. Gods, that notion added to my looming nausea. All right, chin up. Look already! Gingerlpeelpeeled the bloody end of my violet silk tunic away from my thighs. Oh... aiii... oh by the Valar thank you Gods! Two deep ugly wounds punctured my flesh where my thighs met my groin but my regal male bits were intact. My new title wasn’t going to be Elrond the Eunuch. I could live and love again.

But not anytime soon because those slash wounds were vicious plus a host of other lessor wounds cavorted down my long legs. Instead of wearing black leggings now I wore dripping bloodstained rags. No wonder I couldn’t tell what had happened down there; the entire region throbbed with pain yet now my legs were becoming numb. Yes, I had the sickening feeling that perhaps both of my femoral arteries had been compromised. I was bleeding too profusely.

This was so embarrassing. Well, remember, it could be worse...

A familiar yet unwelcome voice entered my hearing. "Lord Elrond? Whatever is the matter with you?"

By the Great Gods Above thank you for immediately making matters worse. All right, I had my wish. A warden had come to my aide. But of all the wardens it had to be Haldir. Gods, if his full lips even twitched I’d somehow find the strength to kneecap him with my noble nose.

All right, Elrond, set aside your mistrust for this offensive creature and act gracious. You desperately needed his help. The relief in my voice wasn’t faked. "Haldir. Warden, how pleased I am to see you. You have a little Orc problem out here and I do mean little. Four Orcs only measuring around erm, perhaps four foot tall rushed poor Hira and brought me down."

My nemesis performed an admirable job of not laughing and dancing in mocking delight. "So I see, my Lord. Yes, the Orc have been quite bold about attacking the Borders." His doubtful gaze ran across my body. "Can you walk?"

Snarling softly I shook my head. "Ha, I can barely crawl. I had a hard time dragging myself to this tree but I wanted something solid behind me in case those pesky monsters came back."

Haldir gracefully dropped to his knees next to me. His wide eyes met mine. "My Lord, may I examine the wounds?"

By Elbereth’s Placing Hand did I want Haldir fondling my crotch? Ha, did I have a choice? It was that or bleed to death. All right, I’d choose the March Warden over death. "Go ahead." I lay there staring above his golden head, willing myself not to watch his probing. Surprisingly enough his light touch proved quite gentle and subtle. At least the Warden was professional; he could have been rough on me simply to punish me for disliking him so deeply.

As Haldir glanced up at me a sharp hiss echoed from his immense lips. "My lord Elrond, these wounds are extremely serious. I fear to move you and I also fear to leave you here alone. Those Orcs could return and attack again."

The savvy Warden had a good point. "Unfortunately I agree. Do you have any emergency supplies on your saddle?"

Haldir swiftly inclined his head. "I do."

"Could I dare hope that you have gut and a needle to stitch with plus something numbing?"

Boldly meeting my queningning stare this time Haldir nodded with his old arrogance. "Yes, of course I do. One learns to be prepared for anything out on the dangerous Borders."

Well weren’t we just the little perfect Warden? "Then fetch the items for me... please." I managed what I hoped was a friendly smile. It felt forced.

Instead of leaving my side Haldir stared down at my rent flesh. "You mean to try and close these wounds?"

No I meant to get up and dance around the trees. "Well what other choice do I have?"

Now Haldir stared closely at me. I didn’t appreciate his oddly blank expression. I’d rather see some emotion, even a negative one. "Lord Elrond, we Wardens are all trained in basic healing. Galadriel prides herself on making sure we can help the wounded. I can staunch your wounds then close the openings."

By the Gods this Lorien lout expected me to place my precious physical welfare in his big hands? My pain made me forget to act diplomatic. "What reason do I have to trust you?"

Cocking his blonde head Haldir offered me a tight smile and almost mimicked my earlier words. "What choice do you have?"

By the Gods he was right. I hated admitting that Haldir was actually right. That notion went against all I held dear. Sighing in helpless frustration I leaned my head back against the tree. Time for a little honesty. "Look, Haldir, I know how you feel about me. You..."

To my surprise Haldir’s emotional voice brutally cut me off. "And how do you, oh mighty Lord of Imladris, know how I feel about you?"

Aii, a definite touch of sickening exhaustion crept across my mind. I blurted out the truth. "Please, Haldir, I know you hate me, no, better yet, you despise me. You act like I am one step below a blue horny toad that’s missing two legs and both eyes."

Drawing himself up Haldir shot me a frosty blue glare. That was a nice effort. He must have been training under Galadriel. "That’s what you have decided to think about me, Lord."

What did this Elf mean now? And why did I care? "Look, Haldir, I don’t have time to argue the fine points of our strange relationship. I am lying here bleeding at a rapid pace. Already I can feel a dangerous weakness invading my strong system. If you think you have the skill to stitch me up then go ahead and act like a talented tailor."

"Very well, my Lord." Haldir stiffly rose and returned with his medical pack. As I watched through pained eyes he turned back to me. "Drink this first. It’s a mild pain-killer."

I eyed the offered bottle with great apprehension. All right, yes, I needed something to dull the deadly fire lapping through my thighs. Grasping the small blue bottle I gulped the contents back. Oh Gods that was a potent brew. Wormwood? Wolfbane? Both? Already a sweet warmth invaded my system.

I didn’t like Hr’s r’s oily smile. I swore I saw a hint of triumph in his gaze but I could simply be falling into incoherency. "Good. Trust me, Lord of Imladris, I have a gentle touch."

"I certainly hope so." As I watched closely Haldir cut away my rent bloody leggings and stripped the tatters from my mangled legs. I hated to admit it but his large hands were extremely gentle and competent. I also hated to admit that my flesh looked like a butchered pig’s. I didn’t like seeing my quadriceps and the thin layer of yellow fat winking up at me. Nor did I like seeing the gleaming white of my right tibia.

Haldir’s wide eyes briefly met mine again. "Now I want to see if there is anything foreign left in the wounds."

"Fine." Gritting my teeth I felt my foe carefully probe deeply into the gaping slices. A new sharp hisartlartled me. "What is it?"

"Apparently the one Orc was shedding his claws and left a little gift in your right groin wound. No wonder you are in such desperate pain. It’s leeching poison into your system."

My pride kicked out a hot retort. "Who said I was in pain?"

Haldir cocked his head and glared at me. I could tell he was a knife-edge away from rolling his eyes at my stubbornness. "Well, my Lord, I think the fact of you nearly biting a hole in your bottom lip signifies intense pain. Also the age lines around your lips are looking a little deeper and the care furrow between your brows looks cast in granite." Pausing delicately the big blonde Elf continued staring at me. "Shall I go on?"

"Spare me your damned observations." You cocky bastard, they weren’t age lines, they were laugh lines.

"Then do I have your permission to begin sealing the wounds? I shall start with these life threatening wounds then close the others afterwards."

"Just get on with it." I didn’t like how the world began swirling around me. My eyesight was failing. That was an extremely wicked sign. Whatever this Elf gave me was shutting down my body. I wasn’t sure if that was good or bad.

After he smeared a numbing camphor salve on my many wounds Haldirck tck the needle into my groin’s flesh. Although I felt nothing I still, much to my embarrassment, winced at the act. Then to make matters even worse I passed out.

*************************************

Ahhh. Ohhh. What... By the Fire Pits of Orodruin what was happening here? Blinking slowly I stared up at Haldir’s firm chin and long hair. What?

Ack. My stiff limbs felt like they were crafted from lead weights. Now why was I lying here half-naked with my head resting in Haldir’s lap? "You better have a good explanation for this, Warden!"

Hearing my voice Haldir twitched then he stared down at me. His long blonde hair gently brushed my face. "Elrond, I have been keeping you calm by stroking your temples. You were thrashing and moaning so I felt it best to try and keep you immobile."

All right, that sounded reasonable. Wait... all right, why were my wrists bound together with a leather tether? "Do you mind telling me why you have me restrained?"

Instead of acting offended Haldir merely smiled. "For the same reason. In your dangerous delirium you tried ripping at your wounds so I thought it best to restrain you. You have been incoherent for hours; it’s well past midnight."

Yes, it was full dark. A small fire fought off the deep gloom. All right, now I could accept why my head was in Haldir’s lap and why he had me restrained but what truly puzzled me way diy did my ass hurt so much? A definite distinct pain throbbed in my anus, yes, a familiar pain I normally associated with my powerful Glorfindel. Now please, I know those petite Orcs never touched my ass. So...

I am surprised I didn’t scream into the darkness. No. NO!

Shifting my strong shoulders I glared ice picks into Haldir’s shadowy face. No. He wouldn’t have... or...

Seeing my appalled glare Haldir’s serene expression abruptly changed into something unclean. His large red lips presented me with a supremely knowing smile. "You’re beautiful when helpless, my mighty Lord."

My mind filled with rampaging fury. "You filthy bog snake! You dared to... By Vaire’s Tapestries I am going to..."

As his fingers patted my cheeks Haldir laughed in wicked delight. "Yes, tell me what you are going to do, Elrond. Are you going to rise up from your current relaxed position and thrash me senseless? I think not. Ahh, after I saved your life are you going to swear eternal revenge and seek to slaughter me later? Do you know how easy it would be for me to rise, mouy hoy horse and leave you here as a tasty snack for your favorite midget Orcs?"

My lower lip dropped toward my chest. "You wouldn’t dare!"

Suddenly Haldir’s pale face refld pud pure fury. "I would dare, oh mighty Lord, because you deserve the pain. Yes, perhaps your tortured pain would soothe the pain you have caused all these years."

What in Arda was this damned Elf ranting about? "How in Sauron’s Baleful Name have I caused you pain? Ever since we first met you have acted nothing but hateful to me. You’d stand about sneering down your long nose at me. I merely reacted in turn because your pretentiously arrogant hatred irritated me beyond words. What, didn’t you like a Half-Elf marrying your Lady’s daughter?"

Haldir’s wide pale eyes reflected the fire’s low flames. His wide eyes didn’t blink for a long minute. "You truly don’t know what you did to me."

This conversation was bizarI diI didn’t have the strength for it. "All right, Haldir, humor me. Enlighten this old Elf. What exactly did I do to you that warrants you raping me while I am so brutally wounded?"

Leaning closer toward my face the March Warden hissed his warm breath against my skin. "You stole my darling Celebrian from me."

Now this Elf truly was raving! My eyes widened in complete surprise. "Are you insane? You must be joking."

My unwise words still hung in the air as Haldir’s long fingers cruelly dug into my temples. Ouch. Gods, a little more pressure and he’d crack my immortal skull. No, don’t bait him; you couldn’t afford to lose your brain. Blood and flesh yes, brain no.

Digging ins nails into my flesh Haldir hissed again. He truly was a snake! "You arrogant creature, I never would joke about such a painful subject. Yes, oh Lord, Celebrian and I were in love. I am not a mere guard; I am an elite Lorien warrior. I come from the same bloodline as Celeborn. I am descended from Elmo. Before I was exiled out here I was the Head of the Guard for Caras Galadhon." Panting in anger Haldir shook his head, whipping his hair across my face. "Galadriel promised her daughter that she would never be forced into a marriage then suddenly you come along and all that changed. You were a Lord because you had a Ring of Power. Although not a true Eldar and merely a Half Elf you were closely related to the High King. So Galadriel worked her wiles and brought you and Celebrian together. I was conveniently cast aside and ordered to become a March Warden. So is it any wonder why I despise you? You never even loved Celebrian. Now after your farce of a marriage she’s leaving for The Blessed Realm? Aii, I should follow her yet I fear the years have taken the bloom off our youthful love. If Celebrian still wanted me then she would have come for me."

It was one of those rare times in my life that I could find nothing to say. Actually it was probably wise to say nothing, especially regarding Celebrian’s true reason for departing. No, bringing up yet another lover wouldn’t help the situation so I simply lay there and stared up into Haldir’s face, which was vastly disorienting since his features were upside down. Well, his passionate tale certainly explained why he hated me! "Haldir, trust me, I knew nothing of this matter. Celebrian never once mentioned you. Granted our marriage wasn’t a wild passionate affair but we did well enough and produced three wonderful children."

Haldir hissed in annoyance. "And while you were married you mocked the sacred concby dby dallying with Glorfindel. Do you know how sick your casual actions made me? Here you had the love of my life by your side and you... you..."

All right, this time my own anger directed my tongue. "I must point out that Celebrian did..." Aii. For a second I thought that Haldir was going to ram his big fist into my jaw.

His flushed face twisted in rage. "You lie, you half-Elven scum! You lie just to justify your own illicit infidelity."

Well, no, I wasn’t lying but arguing with an enraged Haldir didn’t seem like the intelligent option. This discussion was such nonsense! "So in order to have your revenge on me for supposedly stealing Celebrian you raped me?" Oh that concept made sense.

Now Haldir smiled through his rage. Not a pretty sight. "Yes. You are the first Elf that I let myself touch in hundreds of years; well, I supposed I could say you’re my first Half-elf ever. Your lean body was well worth the effort although I am surprised your old anus was still so snug and tight. I would have thought that powerful Glorfindel would have completely broken you in so you’d be as relaxed a seasoned whore."

Now Haldir was truly stroking my anger. Although my rage muttered within me I couldn’t release it. I still needhis his Elf’s help. If he left me out here out alone in the Borders I’d be nothing but a late-night Orc tidbit.

Damn, I hated compromise. As much as I was known for my legendary diplomacy skills I still hated compromise. Especially when it came to my personal life since, although I wasn’t telling Haldir this, my marriage had been a compromise. No. Now wasn’t the time to point out that unsavory detail. Ha, I think he already knew it. Gods, my mind was still fogged from that intense painkiller!

Inhaling a deep breath I wiggled my shoulders. "Haldir, it’s extremely hard to talk to you while staring at your upside down face. Could you..."

"Of course, my lord. Let me stretch you out so you feel more comfortable." Haldir couldn’t have sounded more mocking if he had practiced that line every day of his life.

Feeling apprehensive I remained silent and allowed Haldir to stretch me out on the bedroll spread near the fire. All right, hold now, why was he placing me stomach side down? Haldir treated me with gentleness, he actually resting my wounds on wadded-up capes. Since I still felt fairly numb lying on my serious wounds caused little pain.

But I didn’t like having my naked ass offered up to the night sky. The cape pillow hiked my ass into the air for a few inches. Shifting my head to the side I stared up at Haldir’s face. Now nothing but lust filled his wide eyes. Wonderful. Looked like I was going to have his cock up my ass again. Could someone please tell me when this night was going to stop reaching new lows?

As he smiled again Haldir ran hisluselused fingers over my twitching cheek then he stroked my hair. "Yes, Elrond, you are beautiful in a dark dangerous way. However right now you are hardly in a position to be dangerous. But I am." As he spoke Haldir undid his leggings. Ack, he was as well-hung as Glorfindel. Urgh.

Oh Gods, not again. "Haldir, could we talk about this before you..."

"No, Elrond, we’re not talking although I know that’s one of your favorite pastimes. No, let’s call this round payment for my life-saving services. The first rape was fury at you. This one... I think I’ll enjoy even more since ye awe awake. You were a little on the passive side before." Haldir spread my numb legs and knelt behind me. "Don’t worry, I’ll be gentle with my patient. I advise you not to fight me; you might tear something open again."

Biting my lower lip again I stared straight ahead of me. I felt the pressure of Haldir’s cock stretching my anus but, thanks to the painkiller’s lingering effects, the pain level remained the same. How amusing. But I did feel Haldir’s strong hands roam across my back. I felt him lunge down and nuzzle my neck before he sank his sharp teeth into my neck’s firm flesh. I snarled in anger.

As he chuckled in satisfaction Haldir wetly licked my cheek. "Hmm, dear Elrond, are we feeling unhappy? That’s excellent. Take how unhappy you feel right now and times if by so many years of torment and perhaps you can reach my level of continuous despair."

This Elf was just about the most pathetic creature I had ever encountered. His dramatic self-pity made me ill. No, keep that thought to yourself. Trying to ignore what was happening, which was no easy event, I thought about my Glorfindel. I thought about how occasionally I let him throw me to the bed and rape me. Yes, pretend that twas was Glorfindsingsing you, although dear Glorfindel never grunted like a pig searching for black truffles in the forest mulch. He never, and I mean never, bit the back of my elegant neck. He knew better. However he did lick me but when I inhaled Glorfindel’s breath it smelled like a warm summer sunrise. This Elf’s twisted anger made him smell like sulfur and frustration. How unpleasant.

Come on already, just come and be done with this farce. To my relief Haldir finally groaned in release and flooded into me. His big teeth mauled my neck again.

I wished I could strangle him.

After he raped me two more times I felt ready to slaughter him, midget Orcs or not.

Yes, this was one of the worst nights of my entire life. When Haldir released himself into a sixth time I dazedly wondered if I could knock myself out by slamming my forehead against the ground. I should be flattered that he found me so alluring but no, not tonight. I marveled at how much semen he pumped into me. Ha, remember, he’d been saving his love juice up for years.

To my disgusted horror as the sticky night dragged on I realized Haldir was... acting almost tender toward me. Frightening. Instead of biting my neck now he nibbled my ear tips and kissed my cheek like a lovelorn suitor. His deep sighs as he passionately nuzzled my black hair alarmed me.

Just before I forced myself to pass out after possession number seven I swear I heard the Elf Elf whisper "I love you," in my burning right ear.

Aiii! Where was my knife?

*************************************

When the first morning light touched our little grove I stirred. By the Taniquetil’s Peak Haldir had wrapped himself around my body like a contented cat. His big hands were tangled in my hair. His nose nuzzled my cheek. His morning erection poked my ass. Errgh! Struggling I twisted in his sleeping grip. He focused and instantly lunged forward to kiss me. Aiii! I desperately tried to yank away but he gathered my weakened body in a tight bear hug and slid into me aga
I
I left myself go limp and stared at a spot of sun hitting a nearby leaf. I concentrated on counting the cells which made up the leaf. Gods Above, this morning Haldir’s rape hurt my overtaxed ass but I would die before I gave any hint of pain. This time when he orgasmed he bit my shoulder then he tenderly kissed the bite.

My stubborn body remained limp dead. Th. Thank you, cock. Good job.

Once Haldir released me I sprawled back on the bedroll and looked up at him with my best icy glare. This special glare made my children cry and run away. It even scared attacking dogs. Our eyes locked until Haldir looked away and actually lunged back from my body. Now what?

Instead of mocking me further the Warden quietly examined my bandages. He spoke to me with respect. "How do you feel, Lord Elrond?"

About an inch away from lunging forward and ripping your thick throat out with my strong teeth. It took all my great will to remain civil. I’d play the game. "I feel ready to return to Caras Galadhon."

"Excellent. Can you stand?"

I tried and failed. Haldir suddenly leaned over and wrapped a woolen cape around my naked lower regions. He helped me to his horse and leaned me against the warm smooth neck so I could remain upright by clutching the horse’s bridle. As I waited Haldir easily ascended into his saddle then he leaned forward and proved how powerful he was by lifting me up and gently placing me before him. I sat sidesaddle, my still numb legs hanging toward the ground. Haldir took the reins in his right hand while cuddling me close with his left. "I shall ride slow, Lord Elrond. If you feel pain let me know."

If you feel me punch you in the balls let me know. "I shall be fine."

We rode toward Caras Galadhon in a tense silence. Taking me by surprise Haldir suddenly ran his large lips over my cheek. "Yes, Elrond, before we reach our destination let me say you were... thrilling. After denying myself for so long I found possessing you most enthralling."

Gods, if I struggled I’d fall off the horse. "I found it most disgusting."

Haldir stiffened in rage then he released a soft laugh. "That’s a shame, Elrond, because trust me, I plan on doing this again. Because if you don’t let me enjoy your firm flesh every once in a while I shall tell everyone that you begged me to love you. I shall tell everyone how you kissed me while declaring your adoration for me. By the Stars, it seems you have always loved me but you hid your feelings behind a cold facade." Haldir’s big lips smiled with contentment. "Would you like me inform the world of our special new love? Think how Glorfindel wofeelfeel thinking you wanted me instead of him."

I wanted to throw up right then and there but unfortunately my stomach was empty. "No, frankly, the thought appalls me. So you are telling me I... need to..." I couldn’t finish the words.

Haldir sounded sweetly reasonable. "After all, Elrond, I did save your life. Yes, perhaps when the fancy strikes me I’ll ask Galadriel if I can visit Imladris. Perhaps when I visit you can tell Glorfindel to go on a hunting trip with your fair sons. Do we have an understanding?"

Rip his throat out! Do it! Punch him in the stomach! Go ahead, aim and... no. My strong hands were still bound. If I fell off the horse who knew what I’d do to my wounds? A hoof in the groin would be a major problem.

Watching my controlled emotions Haldir regarded me with his wide blue eyes. Narrowing my eyes I nodded. "Yes we do."

In celebration Haldir wetly kissed me about a dozen foul times, he trailing his happy spit all across my stfaceface. Errgh.

Fine. So be it.

I only hoped that when he visited my Imladris that Galadriel didn’t expect him back.

Interrupting my bleak thoughts Haldir laughed in quiet satisfaction. "Yes, and when I come visit my new lover I shall leave a note in my quarters declaring that if something happens to me it’s your fault because you are so madly in love with me that sometimes you become jealous to the point of madness." He smiled down at me in hest est smug fashion. "I know what you’re thinking, my clever beauty. You are still a little woozy from your painkiller so your expressions are most obvious."

All right, why did my life suddenly decide to leap into a deep stinking cesspit? Remaining silent I trained my eyes on the forest slowly moving past us. Like I said, I hated compromise but what else could I do? Admit that Haldir raped me? Admit that this loathsome creature violated me while I was wounded? No one would believe me. I hardly believed me but Haldir’s fingers lovingly caressing my bare thigh told me it was all too true. His wet lips teasing my ear tip revealed all.

As we rode along while I endured his endless fondling I carefully scanned the bushes. Hello, pint-sized Orcs! Are you out there? Care for a little arrogant Lorien flesh? Come and have a lovely breakfast! Surely it’s still dim enough for you! Come out and see this big male Elf! Doesn’t he look ready for slaughter? I certainly think so!

Bah, I could only hope. After the puny Orcs drug this obnoxious piece of male dung off into the bushes I could crawl to Lorien.

Or help them eat Haldir. Yes, I hadn’t eaten since yesterday’s lunch.

I’d start with his big lips and violating tongue.

Here, little Orcies! Come to Daddy Elrond. I have a lovely large treat for you!

Please?

FIN