Never Offend the Lady

Title: Never Offend the Lady (7/9) R mpreg
Author/Email: sandyg writearts2@e...
Pairing: Elrond/Legolas, Elladan/Elrohir implied Elrond/Glorfindel

Rating: R mpreg

Summary: Elrond 1st person POV. Elrond definitely questions his success as a father. Plus an old lover returns to Rivendell

Feedback: No problem.

Content: The usual fun and frolic with a little extra mental angst for poor Elrond.

Disclaimer: All words and deeds are complete fiction from my sick little old mind. Names borrowed simply for wacky entertainment. I love them all and merely let them play under the lovely, ancient trees.

*********************

"Daddy. Why did you come here?"

Starting I blinked in total surprise, I turning from gazing over the forest. After being rebuffed by one too many haughty Lorien Elves I finally threatened a retainer with a horrible death if he didn’t deliver my daughter to me. Looked like he believed me.

After the day I had endured he had excellent reason to believe me.

My cautious eyes studied my sweet daughter’s less than welcoming expression. "Because you are my daughter and I wondered why I hadn’t seen or heard from you in eight months."

"Well, well..." Arwen’s pale beautiful face puckered in distress. "Oh Daddy, look at you!"

I glanced down over my heavy round belly pushing heroically at my dark green silk tunic. "Yes, granted I am a bit different than normal but..."

Arwen’s expression now darkened into a pained disgust. "Different! Daddy, you’re an unnatural creature! Grandfather put his baby in you and you impregnated him! By the Valar that’s utterly disgusting. Gruesome." She shuddered in revulsion.

All right. Her words nearly made me snap. Gods, it seemed even if you weren’t originally from Lorien if you stayed here long enough you were destined to irritate me. Trouble is my dear Arwen never treated me like this, never. She rarely irritated me let alone insulted me.

Trying to remain gentle I held out my hands, reaching for her graceful fingers. "Daughter, please, I have not experienced the best of days so..."

Arwen let me gently squeeze her fingers before she yanked her hands away from my loving gesture. "Well I’m sorry to hear that, Daddy, but how can you experience any good days? You’re nothing but a joke now! All of Lorien is laughing at what Galadriel did to you! Yes, not only to you but also to my wicked brothers and Legolas! I heard he’s nothing but a fat round ball filled to bursting with my decadent brother’s twins! I’m mortified to be related to... to... such perversity. Oh, the laughter is just horrible."

Hmm, I do believe my dear daughter just called me a perversity. Yes, I did hear that. All right, I’d try one last time to extend my love. "Then please, daughter, return to Rivendell and be with your family. No one there is laughing."

Arwen tossed her thick black hair over her shoulder. "Come now, Daddy, that’s only because they are all frightened of you. They’re all laughing behind your back! How could they not laugh at you?"

In all my long years as a father I had never laid a cruel hand on any of my children, not even Elladan. In a few seconds I might break my rule by smacking Arwen in her beautiful pouty lips. Clinging to my one last, fragile hair thin strand of patience I gazed down at her beautiful face. "Daughter, please. I don’t understand you at all. How could you have turned against I a I am your loving Daddy!"

"Because you have embarrassed me beyond belief! Sleeping with Grandfather and getting pregnant... how could you be so cruel to Galadriel?" Rolling her eyes Arwen pouted. "Beside, Rivendull is such a boring backwater compared to Lorien. Isn’t that a funny name for it? That’s what everyone here calls it. Galadriel meets with so many fascinating beings all the time, adept sorcerers, magicians, even wraiths. Back home we’re lucky if we see Hobbits or a few Humans every once in a while. It’s so terribly exciting in Lorien so I... plan on staying here with Galadriel."

I numbly stared down at her. A cruel hard coldness infected my soul. Did I know this shallow young creature?

Fine.

"Be well, daughter." Yes, I turned and walked away before I clipped her across her angry lips.

"Goodbye, Father."

That was it. I waited for my daughter to call me back, beg for my forgiveness, anything.

Nothing.

Well, for once Elladan was right. His sister was a selfish bitch. Or at least living here with Galadriel had turned her into such a worthless creature.

Keep walking. Do not turn around and smack her. It wasn’t worth your time.

*********************

After my shocking, yes, completely demoralizing meeting with Arwen I numbly wandered through the Golden Wood. Could someone please tell me how such a glorious place bred such calculated cruelty? Maybe Silverlode was tainted. Well, ha, consider who ran this ancient forest. I think I had my true answer. Still, how could Arwen detest me so much?

I felt like a complete fatherly failure. My twin sons were crazed perversions and my daughter had suddenly turned into a status-seeking little monster willing to forsake me for one of my wicked tormentors. Shaking my head I touched my belly. Well, child, you definitely had the challenge to be my last chance at a stable fatherhood. How sad.

No, wait, you were being too harsh on your boys. I had always loved them no matter how wild they acted; yes, until recently their free spirits always impressed me. I hoped I would love them just the same once they finally gave birth and stopped acting so fiercely annoying. Face it, I felt no differently about dear gentle Elrohir, but his constant slavish love for Elladan bothered me. I hoped someday my gentle son rose up and snatched the whip from Elladan’s hand.

Dead Gods, what a sick thing to wish.

I wandered aimlessly until the bright moon sailed atop of the mallorn trees. By the Star, I suddenly detested those tall stately trees. I detested all the glowing lights. Glorious? Ha. I decided this was possibly the most pretentious forest in all Middle Earth. All glitter and gloss yet lacking a real soul. I ached to be back in my cozy, contained Rivendell; yes, my so-called backwater triumphed over all this cold beauty.

When I reached our small room old Mithrandir was already snoring in sated contentment. My exhausted Legolas breathed deeply. One lamp burned with a soft glow. Removing my clothing I stretched out in my small bed, my aching eyes staring at the ceiling. Yes, I should have never traveled to this cursed place. What a sentimental old fool I could be.

Soft rustling made me glance over to the right. Legolas slowly sat, he gazing over at me in the dim lamp glow. His exhausted smile drifted over to me. "Elrond, oh good, at last you’re here. I felt so extremely worried about you." His ripe lips tightened in anger. "I even debased myself by asking odious Haldir where you were and that wicked lying bastard told me he didn’t know."

"I’m y soy sorry that I worried you. I simply had to be alone for a while."

"Oh." Legolas sounded pained. "Did Arwen upset you?"

I snorted softly "You could say that. After insulting me she declared she’s staying here."

"My poor lord. How sad for you." I sensed Legolas struggling to rise from the small bed.

I waved my hands his way. "Legolas, stay in bed. Go back to sleep. You need your rest."

Legolas finally heaved himself up, he waddling to my bed. Sitting on the edge he smiled down at me, his long fingers caressing my thick hair off my cheek. "No, before I can sleep first I must present you with a loving kiss." Pressing his weight against my belly Legolas’ ripe lips met mine in his sweet passionate fashion. "Hmm, my love, they seek to torture us by giving us such small beds."

I actually smiled; well, my expression tried for a smile. "I think you’re right."

"We’ll be together soon enough right, my lord savior? Mmm, yes, we can be together for as long as we wish, yes, until all time comes to an end." Another gentle, long, slow kiss further mended my bleak mood.

I believe my sweet Legolas had just told me he wasn’t returning to my twins.

Yes, ha, I suddenly felt much better. In fact... I shifted, sitting up. Legolas gazed at me in curious question. "Stand up, my... love." There, I said it.

Blinking at me in stunned adoration Legolas obediently hauled his weight to his feet. I tugged at the mattress, dumping it to the floor. Striding to Legolas’ bed I dumped his mattress onto the floor, pushing them together.

Legolas grinned in delight. I helped him sink down to the floor, I joining him. Legolas almost purred in satisfaction, he running his cool slender hands over my skin. "How perfect, my lord. Mmm yes, my love, I feel better simply being againsu. Tu. Today was such a horrible day."

Yes, I certainly felt more relaxed with my sweet Elf curled around me.

So tell Legolas the news. Return his gentle emotions.

My lips moved without my permission. "Yes, my sweet Legolas, being near you soothes me like a gentle sweet breeze on a hot day." Oh. Where did that light nonsense come from?

Pressing closer Legolas sighed in contentment. "I am so glad I give you comfort, my glorious gray-eyed glory." His long fingers continued teasing against my skin.

"You comfort me more than you could ever realize, my gentle love." Ha, this was fun!

Legolas released his happy little squeak, his ripe lips skillfully caressing mine. Hmm, this romantic nonsense had its merits.

Before I could craft more romantic odes Mithrandir released a sleepy growl. "Look, if you two don’t stop all the sickeningly lovey-dovey blather I’m turning one of you into a field mouse."

Legolas snickered softly against my neck. "Mithrandir, if you turn me into a mouse I shall scuttle over there and nest in ythicthick beard."

Mithrandir harumped. "Go to sleep, lad. We’ve a long, nasty four-day ride ahead of us. Save your sexual energy for when we return to Rivendell."

Legolas sighed in sleepy delight, his fingers still stroking me. "Oh I can’t wait."

Ha, that made three of us.

*********************

Waddling was disgusting. Totally undignified.

There was nothing I could do to stop my swaying waddle. My pregnant belly had grown too heavy and round, my impressive weight yielding to gravity. My hanging belly looked ridiculously round.

As I waddled along the river I groaned in annoyance. Ouch. A cramp again. Mithrandir had instructed us on the differences between a cramp and a contraction. Although of course I asked why would we suffer with contractions? There was no reason for them! Our children weren’t going to slide from the womb down into the birth canal.

Mithrandir looked annoyed before he claimed we’d still experience contractions since our wombs would need release.

I sensed my old friend was talking through his thick beard. Still, I felt sure there would be some pain alerting us to the birthing time. Dear vicious Galadriel wouldn’t have it any other way.

Of course my hysterical Elladan kept swearing he was in his final labor. He had raised a false alarm three times now, bellowing frantically during the middle of the night. The third time I didn’t even bother moving from my comfortable curl alongside sweet Legolas’ warmth.

Two more weeks, or so Mithrandir thought. Who really knew? We were Elven males. Did we experience the same term? Or longer? No one had solid answers. Depending on the individual female Elf the more brutal Elven pregnancies could extend to 12 epic months. But I did have human genes in me so... bah, it was all pure guesswork. But then again Mithrandir had another excellent point; Galadriel’s spell protected the children from harm. He felt sure we’d experience pain and the minute he felt her spell fade that was when the children would need to be freed.

What a farce.

I prayed the births were soon, yes, tomorrow wouldn’t be soon enough. Poor Legolas hadn’t moved from our bed in a week. He couldn’t. I swear that before we left Lorien bitchy old Galadriel had placed an extra nasty little spell on him. Legolas’ belly grew every day, his massiellyelly now almost obscene. My poor gentle Elf looked so wrong. Yet he acted so brave, never complaining or even crying anymore. I swore Legolas had ascended to a different level, he relentlessly cheerful through his intense growth. But if he suffered much longer I swore I’d rescue those children myself.

As I fretted about my poor lover low warm laughter flowed into my startled ears. Yes, low extremely familiar golden laughter. Looking up I gasped in gaping amazement. Glorfindel. No. Ha, I certainly hoped I didn’t look as dumbfounded as I felt. That would be completely degrading.

The tall blond vision smiled brilliantly at me from his casual crouch on a lower beech branch. "Hee hee, imagine the mighty lord Elrond waddling along the river. Pffth, I half expect you to slip in into the water and waggle your substantial behind in the air before you dive down for a minnow. Yes, I must confess I had heard odd tales of the strange fertile eventsRiveRivendell so I decided to break your threat and return."

I blinked in confusion. "What threat?"

My dear Glorfindel looked vastly amused. "Ha, you sly old goat, I thought you might hide behind your forgetful old age. I do recall someone, while indulging in one of his classic fine steely cold rages, telling me to never set foot in his fair kingdom again because I was a bigoted ass."

Hmm, yes, I might have said something along those lines. Smiling in recollection I shook my hair. "Erm, were we arguing over Dwarves?"

My old lover’s brilliant smile, so like Legolas’, shone down on me. "Very good, my friend! So you do remember our epic little tiff. I’m not surprised that it slipped your old brain; it has been, hmm, a century or even three? You thought we should trust them; I said absolutely not and frankly, I haven’t changed my mind about the nasty little buggers."

As he spoke Glorfindel easily leapt to the ground, he swiftly walking to me. "But look at you! By the Star are you growing a litter of babies in this big belly?"

I could only shrug. "No, so far Mithrandir only feels one child within me."

"Mithrandir! That sly old charlatan! Ha, I haven’t seen him in ages." Glorfindel arched a doubting golden brow at me. "You trust him to monitor your pregnancy? Personally I think the old wizard indulges in exotic herbs. He’s always too damned cheerful."

I laughed in merry response. Yes, dear Glorfindel had that warm effect on me, although some times he drove me insane. "Well, you old fool, I must trust him. I have no other support. Ha, our dear crafty Galadriel certain isn’t going to help me with all these babies."

Glorfindel grinned in merry delight. "Oh, ha, I would imagine not. So after all these years you and old Celeborn finally stopped acting like two lovesick old virgins. Ha, my Elrond, it looks like you were right not to consummate your physical attraction. See, your lust only got you into trouble." His large graceful hand caressed my bulging belly.

"Well as Mitdir dir keeps endlessly proclaiming at least it’s not permanent trouble. I supposedly only have two weeks to go."

"Really! Well no wonder you’re so magnificently round. Hmm, and you’re very firm, yes, this is not mere fat. Interesting. It’s been a long time since I’ve touched a pregnant belly." Now Glorfindel slowly ran both of his strong palms over my strainileshlesh, his wide bright eyes watching me carefully as he caressed me.

Mmm, a sweet warmth flared through my stretched flesh. My big belly instinctively arched up against his knowing touch. Yesss, that felt superb.

No. Wait. No.

Frowning in stern warning I slowly moved backward.

Glorfindel moved forward, his strong fingers still caressing my swollen flesh. Mmm, his talented touch felt so intoxicating.

I continued moved backward until my boit ait a tree. Damn.

Enough. My strained voice sounded less than regal. "Glorfindel; stop fondling me."

Glorfindel’s merry strong laughter echoed against the ancient trees, he not releasing me. "Why Elrond, since when can’t I fondle your perfect body? Hmm, before you tossed me out I used to be able to fondle anything I desired; yes, you demanded constant sweet fondling from me." Before I could protest Glorfindel gathered me close, his lush firm lips attacking mine.

Ahh, oh, Glorfindel’s wonderful lean muscular form felt so right, so perfect pressing against me. Yes, I hadn’t felt such hard male flesh since back when I rutted with Celeborn. I pressed close, filling my eager fingers with his legendary golden hair.

No. Wrong. This was wrong!

Snarling angrily I jerked backwards. No! "Glorfindel, listen, I truly appreciate that you still find me attractive under all this baby belly but..."

Glorfindel confidently smiled down at me. "But what? Ha, you don’t want to be touched? What a joke! By the Gods since when did you become such an old prude?"

Trying to kill my lust I frowned. "Since I told someone I loved him."

Retaining his seductive smile Glorfindel released a long mocking whistle. "So the other sweet rumor I heard is true... you’ve taken up with the little banished princeling. Suddenly you’re attracted to the flickering young beauties?"

I staunchly shook my head. "Legolas is not just a flickering beauty. He’s a very serious, sweet young Elf. Look, if I give into you...no. I’d feel too guilty."

Tugging arlobrlobrlobe Glorfindel cocked his beautiful head. "Excuse me, did I just hear the mighty lusty lord of Rivendell say he’d feel guilty if he cheated on a lover? Please, this from the wild half-Elf who hosted one of the finest orgies Middle Earth has ever seen while he was still powerful Gil-galad’s devoted lover?"

My standard defense poured free from my lips. ld, ld, I invited Gil-galad to that special event. Unfortunately he became extremely mad at me and he wouldn’t talk to me for a bitter century. That was nasty considering we occupied the same castle and bed."

Glorfindel pursed his full lips at me. "And your point is..."

Shaking my hair I wagged my finger in his handsome face. "My point is that in my old age I have discovered grace and faithfulness so no, my glorious lover, I refuse you."

Glorfindel’s beautiful eyes examined me with great intensity until he gasped. "By the Valar you really are in love with this youth. Has he bewitched you?"

Even through the tension I laughed again. "Of course not. It’s only...all right, imagine all you have seen, done, experienced, yes, all the cruel wars, hatred, blood, evil, the damned killing and struggles. Now imagine having a brilliant, healing light seared into your old soul, yes, a soothing sweet light which makes you feel like you can start allr agr again."

Glorfindel cocked his glorious shimmering head toward me befor nod nodded gravely. "Your sweet young lover is a gift from the Valar."

"That’s close enough."

Solemnly raising his right hand Glorfindel bowed deeply. "Then I shall not molest you, even though I am curious to see what so much sexy pregnant Elrond would feeke nke naked against my eager body. I swear I will not touch you. But can I still visit with this bizarre family?"

"Please stay as long as you wish. Although watch out for Elladan. He’s..."

As he laughed again Glorfindel’s long fingers poked my belly. "Ha, I’ll take that impulsive young pup and place him over my knee."

I choked on my laughter. "No, I think Elrohir might appreciate that stunt."

This time we both laughed. I grasped Glorfindel’s large hands. "Come onwantwant you to visit with my new lover."

I peered into the dim room. Holding up my hand I crept in. Poor Legolas wheezed in deep relaxation, he curled on his side fast asleep. No, best to leave my dear love sleep. I so seldom saw him enjoy truly healing sleep.

Slowly wadding out I shook my head. "Legolas is sleeping so soundly I feel loath to disturb him. Come, we can find Mithrandir and catch up."

Chuckling softly Glorfindel winked at me. "Maybe the old devil will offer me some of his exotic herbs."

I laughed in delight. Yes, I had missed this stimulating golden beauty.

But not as a lover. Bah, powerful Glodel del always wanted to be on top. That problem, as I recalled, had added to his banishment.

By the Star I hadn’t laughed so hard in months. I’m surprised I didn’t induce labor. Yes, tonight Glorfindel proved merrier than a court jester. I didn’t even care when he told exaggerated tall tales about me. As we relaxed after our dinner savoring normal sweet mead Glorfindel sat between my sons, his long fingers seemingly fascinated with their heavy bellies. Of course they leaned all over the tall powerful golden Elf lord. Looks like they also enjoyed sweet thick golden hair.

How peculiar; Elladan had been jealous of Legolas but when virile Glorfindel boldly invited himself into the twin’s bed Elladan wiggled in sexy delight. What a perverse son. Yes, I supposed he wanted someone to dominate him. In Glorfindel Elladan had definitely found the perfectly aggressive sexy Elf.

I only hoped Glorfindel stuffed a gag in Elladan’s mouth. Tonight I needed sleep. Excusing myself I made the trek toward my suite.

Oh, softly, carefully... damn, no matter what steps I took that one floorboard always creaked. Hmm, did I design it to creak? Ha, yes, it was my little protection fail-safe. How silly of me to forget. I was getting old. Not wanting to awaken Legolas I shuffled around in the dark until my belly bumped into a chair. Ouch.

Legolas stirred, he whimpering sleepily. "My love?"

"No other."

"Mmmm. I... how was your dinner?"

"Nothing special."

"But didn’t you sup with Glorfindel?"

My stern lips compressed in anger. Someone had told Legolas. Bother. I had instructed a retainer to bring Legolas a cold platter so of course poor Legolas would wonder why I hadn’t supped with him as usual. A faint guilt infected me. "Yes, Glorfindel arrived today. I brought him to greet you but you were sleeping so soundly I couldn’t stand waking you."

"Oh I wouldn’t have minded. I like sparkling Glorfindel. He’s so merry and... how do I say, shiny. He’s like the first dawn, confident and assured."

"That’s a fine description of him."

Legolas’ happy little squeak echoed in the dim room. "Mmm, my glorious lord, I can hear your silken robe sliding from your magnificent flesh. Just the sound makes me happy since I know soon I’ll feel you close."

"Can you feel anything else?"

"Of course I feel your exquisite love for me."

Is it any wonder that I adored this gentle young creature? I crawled into my bed, my swollen belly meeting Legolas’ sweet smootund und warmth. "Aren’t you jealous of Glorfindel?"

"Why should I be? You love me now."

I squeezed Legolas as close as I could against me. Yes indeed, this old Elf lord had given his heart away to a young, sweet beauty. Hmm, he deserved my thanks. "How exhausted are you?"

Legolas squeaked in fresh pleasure. "Why are you asking?"

"Are you up for a massage?"

"My dear Elrond, oh a massage would be blissful perfection."

After giving life to the bedside lamp I held up the savory mint and lavender massage oil Legolas had crafted for us. "Front or back?"

Legolas tossed his thick, sleep-tangled hair away from his perfect face, he fixing me with his best seductive blue stare. "Start on my glorious round stomach and slowly work your way down, my love. Very slowly."

My strong fingers twitched in delight. Ha, how sad, lately this was as close as we got to sexual pleasure. Still, it was heady fun.