Awakenings

Part 9.

Glorfindel found it difficult to approach Erestor now, Erestor always managed to change their conversation to that of formal matters. He could open a conversation with I love you and eventually Erestor would end it by discussing border defences. There was still a sense of defiance about Erestor. And Glorfindel knew that although Erestor told himself that he would never submit again to Glorfindel or their feelings, he also knew that the councillor was finding it increasingly difficult to simply be in Glorfindel’s presence. He knew his presence caused Erestor not only discomfort but pain and he hated himself for it, but it would be worth it as every so often he would also see a semblance of the Erestor he used to know. For example whenever Glorfindel would stand to close Erestor would blush faintly and tug on his sleeves, and whenever Glorfindel would catch his gaze those dark brown eyes, they were not cold. Not as others thought. They were so warm, so loving, yet, at war, Erestor was still so very hurt. See this is what Glorfindel discovered, Erestor had never truly changed. He was still the elf he had always been, yet he knew that this, the elf he now coveted every moment of the day and even in his dreams, was the result of what he had done to his poor Erestor. He would make it right, he would see him smile again.

One vital problem in itself was Ecthelion. Glorfindel had observed Erestor’s reaction when seeing Ecthelion and himself together. His small yet defiant jaw would clench tightly, he would bite his bottom lip, and then there would be a brief flash of such hurt and betrayal before an invisible film would cover and protect him. Undoing any progress Glorfindel had made in reaching his beloved in an instant. He remembered one painful instant:

~*~*~*~*~

The fresh batch of warriors in the kings court were indeed worthy of their position. They held a short tournament, where one elf would face off another, until finally it was the successors sparing against the successors. Finally the last two remaining elves had been Glorfindel and Ecthelion. The other warriors, all sweat covered and reclined upon the ground in a large circle around the two remaining competitors cheered as gold slowly circled brunet, their swords at the ready. The cries had been impossible to not hear, even from the palace, so without realising a second crowd had formed. One made of servants and house attendants from the palace, on lookers, even the king stood from a balcony with an impressed grin. And one councillor stood on the edge of the crowd, clutching scrolls tightly to his chest as he felt his heart twist in his chest.

Their eyes had been focused fast upon each other, neither looking away. Their slick bodies shone in the sun as they thrust and lunged for each other. Everywhere around them could be heard the chants of “Golden flower!” and “Fountain!” as the two elves in heavy concentration moved in fluid movements against each other, both striving for victory. Finally with one last swift trick of the wrist Glorfindel had Ecthelion on his knees, his sword laying some feet away. A cry ran out across the courtyard, calling the Golden flower victor of the match. The crowd applauded, the other warriors cheered and even the king on his balcony chuckled as he quietly applauded two of his new and finest guards. What no one saw was one elf, desperately pushing his way out of the crowd that had formed around him, dropping half of the scrolls he carried in the process. The sight of Glorfindel and Ecthelion, with their arms lazy thrown over each others shoulders, their sweat soaked skin touching, smiling and laughing together was just took much for one councillors battered heart to bare. With tears in his eyes and a cry in his throat that was battling to burst forth he managed to make it to his office and lock the door behind him before crumbling in his chair. Tears flowing freely as he used the long sleeves of his robe to desperately wipe them away.

Later that evening a meeting had been called between the king, his councillors and his trusted guards. They had sat and discussed matters of possible threats and even betrayal. Glorfindel had sat with a proud smile, marvelling at how Erestor seemed to own the room when he spoke.

He had barely heard a word spoken during the entire council, his eyes had watched Erestor’s every move. Erestor had changed little since that fateful day of Yule. But those small changes were enough to make Glorfindel sigh in desire. His voice was slightly deeper, he was slightly taller than he remembered yet still shorter than himself. His hair was longer, as pitch as night and shone in the light. His facial features, still delicate despite having reached and passed his majority. And if it were possible, his eyes seemed darker, his lashes longer, and his lips redder. But what made his heart race was the sheer elegance that rolled off of Erestor in waves. He watched as Erestor stood, back straight and with his hands clasped behind him. His long dark robes hugged his form and made him look almost lordly. Looking around at the circle of elves gathered he felt a pang of possessiveness ring through him as he caught many an admiring glance cast the councillors way. Though he felt the all to familiar feeling of insurmountable frustration at the fact that he had no actual claim over Erestor, not anymore.

When the council ended the room emptied. Save for the king, Erestor, Glorfindel and Ecthelion. Erestor had gathered his notes together and was making to leave but halted as the king bade him stay a moment.

“Wait Erestor, I still have need of your skill this eve, will you wait a moment?”
“Of course my lord.”

Glorfindel had sighed and turned to follow Ecthelion out of the door, disappointed in the fact that he would not have a chance to speak with Erestor. But he to was halted, along with Ecthelion at the kings command.

“My lords Glorfindel and Ecthelion may I congratulate you both on a fine match this afternoon.”
“Thank you my king, we are not worthy of such high praise.” Ecthelion had said with a bow as both he and Glorfindel stood before the king.
“You fought as if you knew each others every move before they did. How long have you been sparing together may I ask?”
“For quite some years now sire, we are friends of old.” Glorfindel had said whilst smiling at Ecthelion. It was when he glanced to Erestor that his smile faltered. Whilst Ecthelion now chatted merrily with their king Glorfindel felt an anger stir within him at his careless words, though they were meant innocently enough, to Erestor these words were obviously painful to hear. He stood there with his head bowed clutching his papers closely as he had even as a child, breathing deeply with his eyes trained upon the ground. The councillor looked up as his king spoke, seemingly bringing them both out of their wandering thoughts.

“Were they not a wondrous sight Erestor?”
“You were there?” Glorfindel asked in near horror, oh how taunting that must have been for Erestor to watch!
“Aye I was, they looked wondrous indeed. Just how I remember them.” He finished without a trace of merriment or a smile.

Ecthelion closed his eyes and sighed, how much longer would he have to hate himself for this? Glorfindel simply stood there, not knowing what to say. And the king, surveying the now suddenly awkward atmosphere cleared his throat, but it was Erestor who spoke first.

“Sire perhaps I should meet you in your office in a few moments, I have other work to gather that I think needs your attention.”
“Yes, yes, of course councillor.”

Once Erestor had left the room Ecthelion, forgetting who’s presence he was in slumped into one of the seats with a curse.

“You knew my councillor before you arrived here?”
“Aye we did.”

~*~*~*~*~

This one instant, that was truly innocent to any other onlooker other than Erestor had proved to push a wedge between them that Glorfindel had fought so hard to get rid of. Erestor had just begun to tolerate his presence, staying silently put instead of fleeing the room when Glorfindel would bravely sit beside him. The councillor would sigh in distress and again fiddle with his sleeves when Glorfindel would dare tell him again that he loved him. Erestor would occasionally look at Glorfindel when the blond would speak to him, and his eyes, though still confused and uneasy in their dark depths were softer instead of heavily guarded. But now, now they were no farther than when he had first arrived at the kings court. Erestor had slowly begun to respond to him, but now he could not even stand to be in the same room as him! And it pained him to see Erestor walk into a room, see him and turn away. Not to mention the unconcealed glare he would give Ecthelion if ever their paths crossed.

Glorfindel sighed realising that he would have to begin again to earn his loves trust once more. Determinedly he stood up straight and at a run headed for one of the nearby palace gardens.

He scanned the ground now looking for one perfect flower. Upon spotting the most beautiful blossom he suddenly felt like a thief, plucking it from the flower bed, where someone had obviously cared for it. But this was important and he was sure the gardener of such a lovely flower would not mind. Unwilling to plunder the remaining flowers he scooped up a handful of daisies from the ground and arranged the amateur bouquet so as to have the fine red rose snugly in the middle. Proud of his new flower arranging skills he closed his eyes with a faint smile as he tried to outline the palace blueprint in his mind, in an effort to visualise which terrace or rather extravagant balcony would be Erestor’s. One of the first things he did after speaking to Erestor was find out where his rooms were, though he had yet to go to them.

Coming to stand beneath what he hoped was Erestor’s balcony he stood trying to figure out a way to clime the distance without the aid of a tree this time. Taking a deep breath he realised there was only one way, he would have to climb the trellis to the overhanging balcony. ‘A perilous journey to reach my fair Erestor, but worth it’ he thought with a grin.

Holding the bunch of mismatched flowers carefully he ascended the vine covered trellis after making sure it was sturdy enough to hold him. After a short while and much cursing as his tunic continuously snagged he finally made it to the top. He paused just as he was about to climb upon the balcony, he had no right to simply invite himself into Erestor’s rooms. But how to get Erestor’s attention, and as romantically as possible?

Groaning and closing his eyes he fought down a blush as he softly began to sing a melody, a melody he knew Erestor would recognise for he would often hum it back at home when laying beneath their oak. Only in the past few years had he slowly put words to the melody. He started of quietly, feeling utterly foolish and embarrassed.

~*~

There's a part of me that's dying
Every time I hear your name
There's a part of me that's trying
To bring back your love again
There are times when I just want to run
But there's no place to hide
Even though my heart is breaking
In a million bits inside
I can make believe that none of this is true

After getting no response he began to sing a little louder:

~*~

But I can't forget you
Can't break free
I've only got myself to blame
Nothing feels the same
Without you
Can't you see?
We can find tomorrow
What we lost yesterday
What we lost yesterday

~*~

Glorfindel was about to continue when a he spied a light behind him. He turned to see an anonymous elf on the next balcony over holding a candle with a bemused expression on his face. Glorfindel knew he must of made quite a sight; clutching desperately to the trellis, with a pathetic bouquet of flowers in one hand whilst singing, *extremely* out of tune.

“Yes?” He asked as if there was nothing unusual about the situation.
“Uh…what…” The highly amused elf began once spying the flowers Glorfindel held in one hand.
“If you wouldn’t mind I’m in the middle of something.” He interrupted him.

Forgetting the presence of that one other elf Glorfindel soldiered on, singing louder, and if possible, even more out of tune.

~*~

There are nights when I lay wide awake
Thinking how good it could be
Other nights, I don't feel worthy
Of the love you gave to me
I remember not too long ago
We were both here to stay
But it seems it happened overnight
When I threw it all away
I Hope that I can make you love me once again

~*~

Glorfindel felt ironically relieved and afraid at the same time as a saw a light appear from behind the curtains from Erestor’s rooms. There were now quite a few elves standing on the next five or six balconies along, muttering and chuckling at the spectacle Glorfindel was making of himself. Finally Erestor came to the balcony, clutching his sleeping robe tightly around him with a lantern in hand and stared in shock upon seeing Glorfindel desperately clinging onto his trellis with a hopeful and sweet smile.

“Glorfindel! What are you…” He trailed off when noticing all the other elves watching.
“I…I promised you a whole bouquet next time, remember?” Glorfindel asked with a quiver in his voice.

Erestor stood, rooted to the spot blinking rapidly in shock. Blushing every shade of red Erestor stepped forwards to pull Glorfindel from the trellis and onto the balcony. Once Glorfindel finally stood before the occupant of his every thought he opened his mouth to speak but was interrupted as he heard a crude whistle come form one of the other observing elves, followed by laughter. Erestor grabbed the warrior by the hand and dragged him into his rooms.

“What were you doing?!”
“I…I was singing to you, albeit not very well but I was very high up and…”
“How could you humiliate me like that?!” Erestor actually felt slightly guilty as Glorfindel’s cheeks reddened and he lowered his head at the obvious beginnings of yet another rejection. Raising his again stubbornly he masked his hurt behind another sweet smile.

“Your bouquet…” he said quietly as he handed them over. “A rose amongst less lovely flowers, just as I see you.”

Erestor snatched the flowers from the warriors grip and dropped them onto a near by desk, turning back to the blond with an angry expression.
“Why must you torment me? Why did you have to come here?!”

Again the blond lowered his head, and kept it lowered as he spoke quietly, as if he had not heard Erestor’s angry pleas.
“Did you recognise the melody of that terrible song I was singing?”
“Are you not listening to me Glorfindel?” The councillor snapped.

When Glorfindel raised his head again Erestor was momentarily shocked to see tears in those blue eyes. With a trembling hand Glorfindel reached out for one of Erestor’s and held it gently.

“Erestor…” He began, his voice quiet and unsteady with the threat of tears. “…When are you going to forgive me, I, I will do anything if you will just love me again.” He did not meet Erestor’s gaze, but simply continued to stroke and study the hand he held. “I can not live without these hands Erestor…without these beautiful fingers…” He whispered as he brought them to his lips to kiss.

Erestor tore his hand away from Glorfindel’s grip, but could not find the energy put up a fight as Glorfindel grasped them again and gracefully fell to his knees. He looked up at Erestor pleadingly, from where he knelt on the floor.

“Is this what will make it right for you? For me to beg, for I will!”
“Glorfindel…” Erestor spoke, his voice as unsteady as Glorfindel’s as tears began to sting his own eyes and eventually slide down his cheeks. He tried pulling his hand away but could not.
“Erestor please! Just love me again, I will do anything if you will just give me a chance! Please?”

Erestor’s breath hitched and he only just contained a sob, shakily he pulled Glorfindel to his feet. When Glorfindel stood uncertainly before him he clutched tightly to the front of the blonds tunic. He brought Glorfindel down so as their brows touched, even as he still clutched tightly to the front of the tunic, fabric clenched tightly between his fingers.

“Why did you have to kiss him…” He whispered in a barely audible voice, more to himself than to Glorfindel. Their equally damp cheeks touched as he finally let out a choked and quiet sob. His hands alternated between pulling at the fabric harshly and tenderly stroking the chest as he avoided Glorfindel’s gaze. When the warrior slowly covered the tense hands on his breast with his own Erestor seemed to come back to himself and tried to move away, delivering a hard blow to the blonds chest with each now rolled up fist.

But not willing to loose the moment, that moment being the closest he had gotten to Erestor since his arrival and Erestor‘s departure, he pulled Erestor back and held onto the slender body that eventually stopped putting up a fight and leaned against the strong chest in defeat, weeping gently.

Eventually Erestor managed to push the chest away gently, lifting his head up to meet uncertain shimmering blue eyes. With shaky hands he reached up and wiped away Glorfindel’s tears.

“I hate you, I really hate you.” He grounded out between gritted teeth. Glorfindel’s reaction was heartbreaking, his entire face fell, new tears fell unchecked down his cheeks. Again Erestor wiped away before continuing in a whisper.

“But I can’t stop loving you.”

He again clutched the front of the warriors tunic tightly, letting his nose align with Glorfindel’s. Pulling at the fabric in his hands harder, he breathed in shuddering breaths before slowly touching his lips to Glorfindel’s. His lips stayed closed against Glorfindel’s, they simply touched, ever so lightly in a downward bow shape. And suddenly it felt as if they were back under that oak, sharing their first innocent kiss again.

Erestor whimpered into the kiss. But Glorfindel knew it was not a whimper of nervous pleasure, but was the sound of a choked cry. Never having felt more afraid in his life he gently and with slow movements held Erestor, his large hands resting on the advisor’s delicate shoulder blades beneath the silken robe. With a trembling hand he with the softest of touches cradled the back of Erestor’s head, the silky unbound hair falling over his hand and between his fingers. Unfortunately as he attempted to move his lips only slightly to prolong the kiss and not to deepen it, but this seemed to wake Erestor from the temporary spell and with a hard thrust pushed Glorfindel away.

They both stood now silently, and with only a few feet between them. Glorfindel was confused but had also never been filled with such hope. Erestor however, looked utterly lost. He stood with trembling fingers touching his lips, tears spilling down his cheeks as a slow mournful waterfall.

“You need to leave now.” He whispered, his voice hitching.
“Erestor…”
“Please just go.” He turned his back before wiping at his eyes.
“ I need to know where we stand Erestor, please…”
“I…I don’t know! Just…I can not simply forget, every time I see the two of you I…”
“Erestor, Ecthelion and I, we…”
“Don’t say his name! Not to me.”

Glorfindel bowed his head with a nod, stepping forwards he kissed Erestor’s temple, trying to ignore the upset whimper it earned him.
“I hope that soon you will let me explain to you what happened that day. But know that I loved only you, I still love you, no other. I will leave you now, more glad than you could ever know for now I know that you love me to. I will see you tomorrow, good night my love.”

When the door closed behind Glorfindel (for there was no way he would take the trellis back down) Erestor climbed into bed. His fingers still brushing his lips as they blazed with Glorfindel’s taste, a taste he had missed and longed for. Dampening his pillow with his tears he fell into an uneasy sleep.

***Notes: Song lyrics by Gloria Estefan, never actually heard the song, but the words seemed to fit.***