How I Saved Middle Earth
folder
Lord of the Rings Movies › General
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
15
Views:
1,699
Reviews:
5
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Category:
Lord of the Rings Movies › General
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
15
Views:
1,699
Reviews:
5
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
I do not own the Lord of the Rings book series and movie series, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
When Sues Strike Back!
Notes:
Black Blood of Moria – very toxic alcohol akin to Ouzo.
“Opening a can of whup-ass” – fixing to “lay the smack down” on someone with extreme prejudice.
******
The following morning, I heard the screams and shouts in the hallway outside my door before I even managed to slip my shirt on.
Hairy burst into my room and started hugging me. “You did it, lass! You did it!” he shouted with glee.
“It worked? Really?” I asked. (No fucking way! That was too easy!)
Blondie came into the room and hugged me as well. This was rather difficult, as Hairy hadn’t let go of me quite yet. But I didn’t mind.
“Thank you, thank you so much,” he practically cried with happiness.
“I can’t believe it actually worked!” I shouted into his shoulder. (God Almighty did he smell good! Must get away from him before I attack and rip his clothes off!)
I pulled away from them both. “I wanna see! I wanna see what happened! How do you know it worked?” I asked anxiously as the two of them led me up to the battlements.
The three of us looked to the sky. There were no more flying Sues.
“No fucking way!” I danced around the wall like a drunken sorority girl on a Saturday night. Many strange looks were cast my way but I did not care. We had won! We had banished the Sues! I was going home!
There was some serious celebrating that day and into the night, I can tell you.
That evening Hairy, Scruffy and Blondie found me in the kitchen. Hairy held out a bottle t. “. “Try this, lass,” he rumbled.
I smelled the bottle. Alcohol. I smiled. “You rock, Hairy!” I told him. He grinned.
The four of us sat there in that kitchen and drank that bottle of whatever the hell it was dry. I got so damn drunk I could hardly stand. But I wasn’t alone, no! Hairy, Gorgeous, Scruffy and me caused quite a stir in the old stoney town, I can tell you!
The four of us careened crazily thru the halls holding on to each other and singing some stupid ass song about some fucking elf half the night. Hell if I knew the words or even cared. I sang my own song. I was so happy that we had found the way to banish the Sues. Once the Sues were taken care of, I could go home! Home!
I paid for my den ren revelry the next day. (Oh, did I ever!)
“What the hell was that shit you gave me last night?” I demanded when I saw Hairy in the kitchen.
He didn’t look too well, either.
“Ach! It was Black Blood of Moria,” he groaned and placed a gnarly hand over his eyes. “Deadly stuff in large doses.”
“Yeah, I sort of figured that deadly part out,” I snorted and flopped down next to him on a bench. With a shaking hand, I lit a cigarette and the two of us sat there in silence for several minutes. (As toxic as that stuff was, I’m surprised that I didn’t blow the kitchen apart when I lit that cig).
Old Guy appeared and looked suitably grim. He had not joined in the revelery of the previous evening. Thought it was ‘below his dignity’ or some shit like that. Whatever.
“Oh, no, what is it now?” Imblembled seeing the look on his face.
“More Sues have appeared,” he intoned gravely.
“No fucking way! I thought we got rid of them!” I would have shouted had my head not hurt so badly.
“Yes, we did, but others arrived in the night to take their place,” he informed us.
“Son of a fucking bitch!” I did shout this time. “Where’s Gorgeous?” I demanded, holding my head with my free hand to keep it from exploding. Iose ose ho's stole him in the night there would be hell to pay! Supermodel and me would be opening a serious can of whup-ass on them.
“I am here,” said Blondie as he and Scruffy came into the kitchen.
“I guess this means it’s back to work,” I sighed. And I had so wanted to just lie in bed with one of those nice available men and recuperate. In a manner of speaking.
I eyed Blondie suspiciously. He looked too pris for for my liking. “Why the hell don’t you have a hangover?” I demanded.
“Elves don’t get hangovers,” he informed me.
“Bullshit! You’d best be coming up with one or you’ll find yourself dangling over the wall as Sue-bait,” I snapped at him and stomped out to get my laptop. (Bastard. Don’t get hangovers! My ass!)
******
My laptop battery was getting low. We moved our little road show into the stable where the truck was parked so I could charge it. We opened the stable doors and I started the engine then plugged the laptop into the cigarette lighter. We were back in business.
“Alright, people, start talking,” I said as my fingers hovered over the keyboard.
I had several files of Sue descriptions and was shutting down for the day when the thought struck me that maybe just maybe a photograph would work the same way as the writing. I mean, wasn’t that “capturing the essence” of the Sue?
I pulled a disposable camera out of the dash and looked at it. The sun was too low to try it today but tomorrow – tomorrow I would give it a try.
Black Blood of Moria – very toxic alcohol akin to Ouzo.
“Opening a can of whup-ass” – fixing to “lay the smack down” on someone with extreme prejudice.
******
The following morning, I heard the screams and shouts in the hallway outside my door before I even managed to slip my shirt on.
Hairy burst into my room and started hugging me. “You did it, lass! You did it!” he shouted with glee.
“It worked? Really?” I asked. (No fucking way! That was too easy!)
Blondie came into the room and hugged me as well. This was rather difficult, as Hairy hadn’t let go of me quite yet. But I didn’t mind.
“Thank you, thank you so much,” he practically cried with happiness.
“I can’t believe it actually worked!” I shouted into his shoulder. (God Almighty did he smell good! Must get away from him before I attack and rip his clothes off!)
I pulled away from them both. “I wanna see! I wanna see what happened! How do you know it worked?” I asked anxiously as the two of them led me up to the battlements.
The three of us looked to the sky. There were no more flying Sues.
“No fucking way!” I danced around the wall like a drunken sorority girl on a Saturday night. Many strange looks were cast my way but I did not care. We had won! We had banished the Sues! I was going home!
There was some serious celebrating that day and into the night, I can tell you.
That evening Hairy, Scruffy and Blondie found me in the kitchen. Hairy held out a bottle t. “. “Try this, lass,” he rumbled.
I smelled the bottle. Alcohol. I smiled. “You rock, Hairy!” I told him. He grinned.
The four of us sat there in that kitchen and drank that bottle of whatever the hell it was dry. I got so damn drunk I could hardly stand. But I wasn’t alone, no! Hairy, Gorgeous, Scruffy and me caused quite a stir in the old stoney town, I can tell you!
The four of us careened crazily thru the halls holding on to each other and singing some stupid ass song about some fucking elf half the night. Hell if I knew the words or even cared. I sang my own song. I was so happy that we had found the way to banish the Sues. Once the Sues were taken care of, I could go home! Home!
I paid for my den ren revelry the next day. (Oh, did I ever!)
“What the hell was that shit you gave me last night?” I demanded when I saw Hairy in the kitchen.
He didn’t look too well, either.
“Ach! It was Black Blood of Moria,” he groaned and placed a gnarly hand over his eyes. “Deadly stuff in large doses.”
“Yeah, I sort of figured that deadly part out,” I snorted and flopped down next to him on a bench. With a shaking hand, I lit a cigarette and the two of us sat there in silence for several minutes. (As toxic as that stuff was, I’m surprised that I didn’t blow the kitchen apart when I lit that cig).
Old Guy appeared and looked suitably grim. He had not joined in the revelery of the previous evening. Thought it was ‘below his dignity’ or some shit like that. Whatever.
“Oh, no, what is it now?” Imblembled seeing the look on his face.
“More Sues have appeared,” he intoned gravely.
“No fucking way! I thought we got rid of them!” I would have shouted had my head not hurt so badly.
“Yes, we did, but others arrived in the night to take their place,” he informed us.
“Son of a fucking bitch!” I did shout this time. “Where’s Gorgeous?” I demanded, holding my head with my free hand to keep it from exploding. Iose ose ho's stole him in the night there would be hell to pay! Supermodel and me would be opening a serious can of whup-ass on them.
“I am here,” said Blondie as he and Scruffy came into the kitchen.
“I guess this means it’s back to work,” I sighed. And I had so wanted to just lie in bed with one of those nice available men and recuperate. In a manner of speaking.
I eyed Blondie suspiciously. He looked too pris for for my liking. “Why the hell don’t you have a hangover?” I demanded.
“Elves don’t get hangovers,” he informed me.
“Bullshit! You’d best be coming up with one or you’ll find yourself dangling over the wall as Sue-bait,” I snapped at him and stomped out to get my laptop. (Bastard. Don’t get hangovers! My ass!)
******
My laptop battery was getting low. We moved our little road show into the stable where the truck was parked so I could charge it. We opened the stable doors and I started the engine then plugged the laptop into the cigarette lighter. We were back in business.
“Alright, people, start talking,” I said as my fingers hovered over the keyboard.
I had several files of Sue descriptions and was shutting down for the day when the thought struck me that maybe just maybe a photograph would work the same way as the writing. I mean, wasn’t that “capturing the essence” of the Sue?
I pulled a disposable camera out of the dash and looked at it. The sun was too low to try it today but tomorrow – tomorrow I would give it a try.