Sex, Drugs, and Orcish Theatre

Chapter 8


"Well that was suitably humiliating He must be drunk if he's letting me hang around you... That or he's trying to encourage eligible bachelors to get to know me to ensure another Arwen style fuck-up," said Kalina.

"No animosity there, then," said Legolas.

"Have you met her?" snorted Kalina. "She's the most dull, prissy, stuck up bitch who gets on my case because I wind up spending more time with her fiancé because she's scared of ruining her manicure and thinks hunting poor innocent animals is such a cruel pastime. And she tried to dress me in one of her frocks when I was little. So I set fire to it..."

"Well, she is a bit frosty and distant..." conceded Legolas, not wanting to sound like too much of a bitch.

"Anyway enough of her. As your Mistress I suggest we head off into the woods and smoke copious amounts of your weed."

"Willingly, Mistress," said Legolas, following Kalina into the forest.

Galadriel stumbled through the western woods, swearing in-between chain smoking and pausing to rip off pieces of her dress that got caught on twigs. As a result of this, she was now dressed in a skimpy satin thing that just about reached mid-thigh. She was on her way to a secret inspection of two young military recruits who had taken her fancy. After all, she needed a break from her useless husband and Elrond's earlier cruel rejection. She was on the brink of admitting that possibly she, Galadriel, Lady of the Woods might be lost, but then she spotted the glow of a torch in the distance.

"Here I am, boys..." said Galadriel, appearing in the small circle of light. She suddenly realized that she was now in the company of half a dozen large orcs attempting to read a map of Lothlorien.

"Grab her!!!" shouted the apparent leader.

Galadriel did what any self-respecting maiden would do, and screeched loudly as four orcs grabbed her and started to bind her limbs.

"Ahut hut her up!!!" Another orc obliged, tying an unsavory rag over Galadriel's mouth.

"You sure this is the one the Master desires?" snarled one of the others. "Bit too convenient if you ask me."

"I didn't. And it's her! Scary blonde slapper Queen, that's how the master described it. NOW MOVE! You know those stinking elves and their bloody night vision." Grumbling, the orcs heeded their leader. One hoisted Galadriel over his putrid shoulder and they began hastily traveling west.

Kalina was lying with her head in Legolas's lap when they heard the scream from the forest. Within seconds Kalina was on her feet and armed with her knife and a dagger she had hidden in her boot.

"What was that?" asked Legolas.

"Hopefully Haldir getting gang raped? Let's go see!!!"

"I left my weapons back at mine," said Legolas, not really wanting to find out what had caused that blood-curdling shriek.

"Here, I have this spare," said Kalina, tossing Legolas a sword.

"Where the hell did this come from?"

"From a forge, moron. I never leave home without three weapons or more on me, preferably ones that aren't too obvious," explained Kalina. "Now will you hurry up?"

"Yes, Mistress," said Legolas meekly, picking up the sword and trying to keep up with Kalina as she ran through the forest.

"Lights! There!" she gasped, pausing for Legolas to catch up.

"Great. You go ahead... OW!" Kalina kicked Legolas in the shin with a surprisingly harsh boot.

"Come ON!!! I think we have orcs!!!" Kalina pointed to some large prints on some of the damp soil that showed through the leaves.

"Oh Elbereth..." groaned Legolas, trailing behind Kalina.

The young elf was catching up with the party and was able to see that there were six orcs and one rather slutty hostage...

"Shit," muttered Kalina recognizing Galadriel. She took aim with her knife and expertly threw it at the nearest orc. The knife sunk into the side of his neck and he fell, screaming. She ran forward and retrieved her knife, keeping one foot on the fallen orc's neck as he struggled. She tried to take aim again but her foe had dropped the torch and had vanished into the trees. "Motherfuckers!!!" she screamed, then turned to her injured captive.

"You got one!" exclaimed Legolas.

"They got Galadriel!! Go get Celeborn while I interrogate this fucker..." Kalina began violently kicking the orc in his face.

"Kalina? Mistress? Maybe you shouldn't kill him..."

"I am NOT going to kill him... yet. I just need him unconscious. They're easier to drag back that way. Now go!!!" Kalina dispensed one more kick to the base of the orc's skull. He grunted then passed out. Kalina grabbed his boots and began dragging the considerable weight out of the woods.

"Kalina? Sweetheart??" called Elrond.

"Over here!"

"I heard violence! Do we need to hide a body dearest?"

"Orcs stole Galadriel!" said Legolas, not yet having the chance to find Celeborn.

"I caught one!!! I call interrogation!!" yelled Kalina gleefully.

"Galadriel? Oh dear...that's bad... very bad," said Elrond worriedly. "Do you need a hand with that?" Elrond asked as Kalina started dragging the orc again.

"It would probably be quicker," conceded Kalina, allowing her father to take an arm and help drag. Legolas ran off ahead to find Celeborn.

About half an hour later, the glade that had held the festivities had turned into an impromptu council. Kalina had popped out the orc's eye with a spoon and showed it to him, prompting him to provide her with enough information for her to replace the eyeball, mostly to shut Haldir up. He was easily as squeamish as he was camp.

"So my wife has been kidnapped by an orc chieftain keen on musical theatre?" said Celeborn, absolutely sure he had misheard the creature's confession.

"Apparently so," said Elrond, who had been overseeing his daughter's handiwork with a sadistic glint in his eye. It was clear that he hadn't quite worked out the violence from his system from the end of the Second Age.

"And I'm probably going to have to rescue her..." sighed Celeborn.

"Which may make her realize what a nice husband she has, thus allowing you to resume your hedonistic lifestyle with her, Lord," said Haldir. Like many who spent a lot of their time with Galadriel and Celeborn, he was sick of their seemingly pointless feud.

"Good idea! And you can do it on my behalf! Ah, sending my trusty servant to rescue my wife from a den of vile orcs... Epic!!" Celeborn beamed euphorically at Haldir.

"Wouldn't it be a better idea if you went?" attempted Haldir without much hope.

"Nonsense! I need to be here to coordinate the daring rescue! OH!! I get it, you don't want to go on your own. Volunteers?" asked Celeborn.

"Ooh! Ooh! OOOH! Orc killing!! Me!!" Kalina bounced up and down, waving her eyeball spoon. A small bit of slime flew off of it and hit Haldir in the face.

"Ah, the enthusiasm of youth," said Celeborn in the wise tones of those talking utter shite. "Kalina is indeed a fine warrior. With her father's leave, of course?"

"Yes, yes, she'd sulk otherwise," agreed Elrond. Kalina hugged him.

Haldir groaned. This was not what he planned. He figured Haldir and a small army would go forth and stage a mass invasion. However he had clearly decided to organize some sort of low scale classic quest of adventurers. And this meant he would have to spend several days at least in the company of psychobitch slut face elf stealing Kalina.

"Now, who else?" asked Haldir. Legolas pondered momentarily, then realized that this would give him the opportunity to spend plenty of time around Kalina and watching her kill was almost as much of a turn-on as being on the receiving end of whatever depravity she executed.

"Right, I'm in," said Legolas.

"Excellent," said Celeborn, pleased.

Aragorn, standing near Celeborn considered his options. He COULD stay here, keeping Celeborn company as he pined for his missing wife and would come to love and respect Aragorn due to his devotion... Or he could prove his worth as a man by going on a mighty quest where he could grow stubble to his heart's content. And if it went well, maybe Elrond would ease up on the king business...

"I Aragorn, son of Arathorn shall go forth with the heroes!"

Elrond rolled his eyes. The human kept putting on these hideous demonstrations of nobility that were quite frankly painful. Still, you did have to give him credit for effort. Shame it never amounted to much.

"Well that should do. Off you go!" said Celeborn cheerfully.

"It's the middle of the night," protested Haldir.

"Yes, yes, but this way you'll get there sooner, bring back my wife, have her thank me for a daring rescue and I'll live happily ever after. Bye bye!" Celeborn turned and wandered off, leaving Aragorn, Kalina, Legolas and Haldir looking confused.

"Do we go senile? I thought that only happened to his ilk," said Haldir to Legolas, prodding Aragorn in the back. He shot the elf a sulky look.

"I don't know... I suspect he's been eating morning glory seeds again," said Legolas. "That would account for a lot of his recent behavior."

"So what do we do now?" asked Kalina. "Ignore the buffoon and wait until morning to set out or obey his mad whims?"

Legolas looked around and shrugged. There seemed like nothing better to do. Most of the booze was gone and the festive mood had dissolved. Things had wound down to a weird and almost surreal pace.

"Bad vibes... totally bad vibes," said Aragorn, looking around. Legolas nodded.

"I say we head off," he decided. Haldir groaned, cursed his parents for having brought him to this wretched life, and then scurried to catch up with the others.