The Corruption and Degredation of Mary Sue
folder
-Multi-Age › General
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
42
Views:
1,612
Reviews:
46
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Category:
-Multi-Age › General
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
42
Views:
1,612
Reviews:
46
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
I do not own the Lord of the Rings (and associated) book series, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
The Plot Advances Somewhat
Chapter 7: The Plot Advances Somewhat
“Right, reprobate. What did you do to her?” asked Kalina, quietly slipping into step beside Legolas.
“I hate it when you do that unexpectedly,” he said, jumping slightly. It was a reflex common to most of Kalina’s friends when she suddenly appeared. A surprise appearance by Kalina was often an ambush, and a Kalina style ambush was often a traumatic experience for even the most hardy warrior. There was just something wrong about Kalina’s capacity for violence. She was small and delicate even by elven standards and stunningly attractive when she could be bothered to put on a dress. However Legolas was all too aware of the fact that a looks were utterly deceiving. And it wasn’t just senseless aggressive violence, it was cunning, calculated and nasty. Kalina spent a lot of time reading and researching tactics, weapons, and fighting styles. She wasn’t just violent. She was devious with it.
“Don’t worry. You’re more fun when you’re intact to start with,” said Kalina sweetly. “Now. Confess!”
“Where is she?” asked Legolas, looking around nervously.
“Skulking in her room that she demanded I bring her to or else fear your wrath,” said Kalina, smirking. Legolas looked at her, confused.
“What?”
“Apparently you’re engaged to a human. Should I let your father know?” Kalina feigned innocence. Legolas groaned and slapped his face.
“Not again…” he grumbled.
“I’m assuming you overdid the ‘deep intense smouldering’ look?” asked Kalina. Legolas nodded guiltily.
“And you said something in elvish in that dramatic husky voice?”
The elf nodded again. Kalina slapped him upside the head. “Idiot.”
“Oh come on… I thought she’d just treat it as a casual thing! Besides, I made it perfectly clear I was only after a hit of afternoon sodomy…”
“And you spiked her drink, didn’t you?”
“Am I THAT predictable?” demanded Legolas, starting to get irritated with the accusations.
“Well, around suggestible young humans with pert arses you are,” replied Kalina tartly. Legolas muttered some profanity under his breath. Kalina elbowed him in the ribs. “Be nice. Otherwise I’ll leave you to contend with the hysterical thing on your own once you get bored with her,” she threatened.
“Once I get bored? Do you think I’m going to go near her, now that she’s harbouring intense delusions about me?” snapped Legolas, feeling hassled. Bloody mortals. You show them the vaguest interest and next minute they’re proclaiming undying love and spouting really awful prose at you. He shuddered convulsively at the thought of Celebelen looking dreamily at him and spewing saccharine words.
“Oh cheer up. I was merely taking the piss,” said Kalina. “Incidentally, have a key,” she added, remembering her imprisonment of Haldir.
“What’s this for?” asked Legolas, confused.
“Something that may take your mind off of that orc-sucking harridan. Go find out. In the meantime I’m going back to my room. Incidentally, if you need me to shoot that whore full of sedatives, let me know. I got a supply of poison darts in the mail that I’m just dying to try out,” said Kalina.
“That’s nice. Now what room is this for?” demanded Legolas.
“That guest room Gandalf usually gets housed in. Enjoy. And if you need to avoid that diabolical excuse of a life form feel free to skulk in my room. I fancy holding another poker game. Meanwhile I must find our pet human king once he is out of my half-sister’s clutches and inform him of the fun. Later,” said Kalina generously. She hurried off, leaving Legolas feeling intrigued and optimistic. Kalina had taken to holding a game of strip poker at least once a week always guaranteed and entertaining evening. Intrigued by the key he had been given, Legolas headed towards the guest wing.
“YOU FILTHY BITCH!!” screamed a rather familiar voice, echoing down the corridor as Legolas approached.
“Haldir?” he said, more to himself than anyone else.
“WHO’S OUT THERE?!?!” he demanded as Legolas hurried to his door and unlocked it.
“Where is she?!” seethed Haldir, throwing the door open. “Oh! Hello Legolas. What the hell are you doing here?” he asked, confused.
“I sort of followed Kalina home from Lothlorien after the Sauron incident and haven’t really left,” said Legolas a little sheepishly, unwilling to admit to Haldir he was that fixated with a female. Haldir rolled his eyes.
“Fine. You’re clearly some kind of sick masochist,” said Haldir derisively. Legolas nodded enthusiastically. As far as Kalina was concerned she could torture and abuse him to her heart’s content. Anything was fine by him just as long as the dirty little bitch got naked in the end.
“Anyway she’s having one of her strip poker nights. Which is always entertaining,” said Legolas. Haldir tried to suppress his interest. Much as he loathed Kalina, he had to concede she was attractive and the prospect of her naked would provide him with plenty of wank-fodder for his inevitable journey back.
“Count me in. If there’s a chance to humiliate her, I’m there.” Haldir smiled maliciously.
“Can I come in? Only that human may be around and I don’t want to run into her,” said Legolas.
“Oh yes. Bitchface mentioned that,” said Haldir, shuffling aside for Legolas to enter the room. Legolas shuddered convulsively as he kicked the door shut behind him.
“She’s decided that we’re getting married,” said Legolas. Haldir snickered nastily. “And she’s also decided she can be unpleasant to Kalina because I’ll come running to her rescue,” he added. Haldir’s snickers turned into hysterical high pitched laughter. “Shut up! It’s not funny!”
“Yes it is!! Just let Kalina slaughter her. It’s only a deluded human wench who won’t be missed,” said Haldir.
“Well, yes, but Elrond seems to have gone out of his way for whatever reason to make her feel at home,” said Legolas. “And she’ll probably claw my eyes out or start crying the way humans do… you know, their eyes get all red and gooey and crap dribbles out of their noses…” The two elves shuddered as a collective.
“That’s the problem with them. They leak too much,” said Haldir. Legolas nodded in agreement. “Although Aragorn’s alright,” added Haldir.
“Well, he’s like Elrond’s grand-grand-grand-grand-grand-grand nephew or something technically, so he’s got that in his favour.”
“Which means he’s engaged to one great-aunt and has got it off with his other great-aunt who is several years younger
than him,” mused Haldir.
“When you put it like that it sounds so unwholesome,” said Legolas, grinning.
“I know,” said Haldir, looking pleased with himself. “Got anything smokeable?” he inquired.
“I left my stash in Kalina’s clutches, so you’ll have to wait, and I’m not leaving here until I know that human is out of her room and away from here,” said Legolas tensely.
“Ah well. I’ve got my own, but I figured it was worth trying to scab some off of you first,” said Haldir with brutal honesty. He moved over to his luggage, dumped beside the bed and pulled out a pouch of Shire weed and a long pipe. Legolas sighed with relief. He could dimly hear with his impeccable elven ears water flowing in Celebelen’s bathroom. The prospect of spending the afternoon getting baked with Haldir and catching up was a good one.
“Right, reprobate. What did you do to her?” asked Kalina, quietly slipping into step beside Legolas.
“I hate it when you do that unexpectedly,” he said, jumping slightly. It was a reflex common to most of Kalina’s friends when she suddenly appeared. A surprise appearance by Kalina was often an ambush, and a Kalina style ambush was often a traumatic experience for even the most hardy warrior. There was just something wrong about Kalina’s capacity for violence. She was small and delicate even by elven standards and stunningly attractive when she could be bothered to put on a dress. However Legolas was all too aware of the fact that a looks were utterly deceiving. And it wasn’t just senseless aggressive violence, it was cunning, calculated and nasty. Kalina spent a lot of time reading and researching tactics, weapons, and fighting styles. She wasn’t just violent. She was devious with it.
“Don’t worry. You’re more fun when you’re intact to start with,” said Kalina sweetly. “Now. Confess!”
“Where is she?” asked Legolas, looking around nervously.
“Skulking in her room that she demanded I bring her to or else fear your wrath,” said Kalina, smirking. Legolas looked at her, confused.
“What?”
“Apparently you’re engaged to a human. Should I let your father know?” Kalina feigned innocence. Legolas groaned and slapped his face.
“Not again…” he grumbled.
“I’m assuming you overdid the ‘deep intense smouldering’ look?” asked Kalina. Legolas nodded guiltily.
“And you said something in elvish in that dramatic husky voice?”
The elf nodded again. Kalina slapped him upside the head. “Idiot.”
“Oh come on… I thought she’d just treat it as a casual thing! Besides, I made it perfectly clear I was only after a hit of afternoon sodomy…”
“And you spiked her drink, didn’t you?”
“Am I THAT predictable?” demanded Legolas, starting to get irritated with the accusations.
“Well, around suggestible young humans with pert arses you are,” replied Kalina tartly. Legolas muttered some profanity under his breath. Kalina elbowed him in the ribs. “Be nice. Otherwise I’ll leave you to contend with the hysterical thing on your own once you get bored with her,” she threatened.
“Once I get bored? Do you think I’m going to go near her, now that she’s harbouring intense delusions about me?” snapped Legolas, feeling hassled. Bloody mortals. You show them the vaguest interest and next minute they’re proclaiming undying love and spouting really awful prose at you. He shuddered convulsively at the thought of Celebelen looking dreamily at him and spewing saccharine words.
“Oh cheer up. I was merely taking the piss,” said Kalina. “Incidentally, have a key,” she added, remembering her imprisonment of Haldir.
“What’s this for?” asked Legolas, confused.
“Something that may take your mind off of that orc-sucking harridan. Go find out. In the meantime I’m going back to my room. Incidentally, if you need me to shoot that whore full of sedatives, let me know. I got a supply of poison darts in the mail that I’m just dying to try out,” said Kalina.
“That’s nice. Now what room is this for?” demanded Legolas.
“That guest room Gandalf usually gets housed in. Enjoy. And if you need to avoid that diabolical excuse of a life form feel free to skulk in my room. I fancy holding another poker game. Meanwhile I must find our pet human king once he is out of my half-sister’s clutches and inform him of the fun. Later,” said Kalina generously. She hurried off, leaving Legolas feeling intrigued and optimistic. Kalina had taken to holding a game of strip poker at least once a week always guaranteed and entertaining evening. Intrigued by the key he had been given, Legolas headed towards the guest wing.
“YOU FILTHY BITCH!!” screamed a rather familiar voice, echoing down the corridor as Legolas approached.
“Haldir?” he said, more to himself than anyone else.
“WHO’S OUT THERE?!?!” he demanded as Legolas hurried to his door and unlocked it.
“Where is she?!” seethed Haldir, throwing the door open. “Oh! Hello Legolas. What the hell are you doing here?” he asked, confused.
“I sort of followed Kalina home from Lothlorien after the Sauron incident and haven’t really left,” said Legolas a little sheepishly, unwilling to admit to Haldir he was that fixated with a female. Haldir rolled his eyes.
“Fine. You’re clearly some kind of sick masochist,” said Haldir derisively. Legolas nodded enthusiastically. As far as Kalina was concerned she could torture and abuse him to her heart’s content. Anything was fine by him just as long as the dirty little bitch got naked in the end.
“Anyway she’s having one of her strip poker nights. Which is always entertaining,” said Legolas. Haldir tried to suppress his interest. Much as he loathed Kalina, he had to concede she was attractive and the prospect of her naked would provide him with plenty of wank-fodder for his inevitable journey back.
“Count me in. If there’s a chance to humiliate her, I’m there.” Haldir smiled maliciously.
“Can I come in? Only that human may be around and I don’t want to run into her,” said Legolas.
“Oh yes. Bitchface mentioned that,” said Haldir, shuffling aside for Legolas to enter the room. Legolas shuddered convulsively as he kicked the door shut behind him.
“She’s decided that we’re getting married,” said Legolas. Haldir snickered nastily. “And she’s also decided she can be unpleasant to Kalina because I’ll come running to her rescue,” he added. Haldir’s snickers turned into hysterical high pitched laughter. “Shut up! It’s not funny!”
“Yes it is!! Just let Kalina slaughter her. It’s only a deluded human wench who won’t be missed,” said Haldir.
“Well, yes, but Elrond seems to have gone out of his way for whatever reason to make her feel at home,” said Legolas. “And she’ll probably claw my eyes out or start crying the way humans do… you know, their eyes get all red and gooey and crap dribbles out of their noses…” The two elves shuddered as a collective.
“That’s the problem with them. They leak too much,” said Haldir. Legolas nodded in agreement. “Although Aragorn’s alright,” added Haldir.
“Well, he’s like Elrond’s grand-grand-grand-grand-grand-grand nephew or something technically, so he’s got that in his favour.”
“Which means he’s engaged to one great-aunt and has got it off with his other great-aunt who is several years younger
than him,” mused Haldir.
“When you put it like that it sounds so unwholesome,” said Legolas, grinning.
“I know,” said Haldir, looking pleased with himself. “Got anything smokeable?” he inquired.
“I left my stash in Kalina’s clutches, so you’ll have to wait, and I’m not leaving here until I know that human is out of her room and away from here,” said Legolas tensely.
“Ah well. I’ve got my own, but I figured it was worth trying to scab some off of you first,” said Haldir with brutal honesty. He moved over to his luggage, dumped beside the bed and pulled out a pouch of Shire weed and a long pipe. Legolas sighed with relief. He could dimly hear with his impeccable elven ears water flowing in Celebelen’s bathroom. The prospect of spending the afternoon getting baked with Haldir and catching up was a good one.