Beautiful Nightmare

Ron sinta n’lle—they know not of you
Sina men, aier—this way, short one
lle sinta tanya amin…--you know that I…
Sarah, amin...mere amin lle il hanya...--Sarah, I... I wish you understood...
Tulya amin--come with me


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We walked for a long while through the silver elven trees, and I willingly held onto Haldir’s hand as he led me onward. I felt myself grinning like an idiot watching his broad shoulders move when he walked following the long, muscular line of his arm with my eyes as he held onto my hand. Every now and then he would look over his shoulder and say something, and though I could not understand, I would nod my head and look wherever her pointed. We hadn’t entered anything that looked remotely like a city, only the same, silver trees with golden leaves, though they were beautiful enough to keep my attention forever. I enjoyed the sound of Haldir’s voice, though ,so when he spoke, I was quiet so I could hear it fully resound around me. It filled my chest with butterflies, and I could not help but smile. I was not even the slightest bt embarrassed about being afraid to climb down from the tree house, and not the slightest bit angry that when we had finally left, I had seen a staircase that wound about the trunk of the tall elven tree which I could have climbed rather than being carried down a thread wrought ladder.

Haldir pointed out to me that there were several tree houses like the one I had been in, and they all looked relatively the same, rather like apartments, I thought, and that made sense. I wasn’t a resident, only a visitor, so I should stay in an apartment… or a sort of hotel room.

All around me there was light, and a more spiritual feeling I had never experienced, for my heart felt like it would explode with an overdose of pleasantness and beauty. As my eyes wandered from Haldir—who had, as I think on it now, a beauty surpassing any model or film actor from my homeland—to the scenes of the forest around me, I felt like crying with the intake of so much beauty. I could hear every rustle of the leaves above my head, and feel the softness of the ground so that I was not unsure of where I stepped as Haldir led me on. I could hear the melody of birds singing somewhere in a hidden place, when they should be migrated somewhere warmer for the winter. But there was no winter within those trees. It was springtime, or, at least, it felt like spring time.

The first time I saw Caras Galadhon, I remembered a time when I was much younger and lived in the Floridian woods by the Pensacola Bay. My parents were going through a traumatic divorce and I, being the oldest of three children, was the consort for both my father and my mother, the go between for their fights and arguments. My brother, sister and I had been playing in our room, alone in the house. Suddenly, my sister chirped up that she thought she heard something coming from the woods across the street. Interested, my brother and I listened and all three of us grew very quiet. I put my ear to the window. My brother and sister did the same. What we heard was more beautiful than any sound we had ever heard, and more beautiful than my siblings will ever hear—music played, coming from the trees, and though the forest was dark, the sheer beauty of the music made it seem light and it pulled us outside onto our lawn. There were no other children in our neighborhood and not very many residents at all, for we were on the farthest outskirts of the city limits.

As my brother, sister, and I stood on the lawn listening to the music, my mom drove up in the driveway and asked us what we were doing. We couldn’t say anything really, but my sister ran across the street and stood at the edge of the woods. This caught my mom’s attention, and she listened. I remember that she smiled and turned my brother and I around, calling to my sister who followed after us back into the house. “It’s the fairies.” I remember my mom saying, and the strange tone in her voice still rings clear in my head, though I cannot name it.

I remember the beauty of Lorien to be equivalent to the beauty of that music, personified. The same feeling of disbelief and awe overtook me and I felt tears well up in my eyes. Haldir looked over his shoulder at me and smiled, though it seemed the smile had not left his face since we left the tree house. I noticed that we had drawn near to the edge of a vast clearing of trees. I took my eyes away from Haldir’s smiling face to look through the trees—beyond there was a meadow of soft, rolling hills, dotted with white and golden flowers. In the center of the great, shining meadow, rose a gathering of the tallest of the elven trees that I had seen, and all throughout their boughs were spanned tree houses and bridges and staircases, all shining with a silver sort of moonlight in the midst of the rich golden sunlight. There were voices singing, and sounds of laughter poured from within. When warm breezes blew, the flowers of the meadow would sway to and fro in a dance, glimmering in the sunlight.

The smell of fresh earth blew past me with the fragrance of flowers, like when wisteria first begins to bloom and smells the strongest. “Oh…” I breathed, not really able to say much else. I heard Haldir behind me.

“Caras Galadhon.” He whispered, coming to stand beside me, and when I looked up at him I saw that his face was as much alight as mine felt. He was beautiful standing there so straight and tall beside me, while strands of silken gold fluttered around his face in the sunlight as breezes blew across his ethereal form. He shone of the same self-emitted silver light with which the tall elven trees shone, with which Caras Galadhon shone amidst the sunlight. As I looked upon him, he became as much a part of the forest as any of the silver barked trees, for though he did not change in shape or form, his presence and light mingled with those of the forest until I was sure that I would not have been able to see him had I not known that he was standing beside me.

Haldir broke the long moment of silence when he found me staring at him—undoubtedly as awkward for him as it was for me being found out. I tried not to blush as he guided me forward into the glade with a firm hand upon my back. As we walked, he motioned toward many things, some names of which I caught, and some I did not, but I would nod and smile appreciatively when I had missed anything, hoping that he wouldn’t know the difference between my comprehending and not.

As we drew nearer to the city, I saw that there were circles of the mightiest and tallest of the elven trees growing upon a hill, and that was what formed the city. The hill was laden with a golden snowfall of flowers, and the golden roofs of the mighty trees shone and reflected the sunlight more brilliantly than any tree in Lothlorien. I wanted to run toward it all and become as much a part of it as Haldir was a part of the forest—I wanted to fly into the golden boughs and live there forever. Haldir kept hold of my shoulder, gently leading me forward as he glided beside me, chattering in elvish. The city drew closer and closer until we came to the base of the great, flowery hill, around which wound a road paved with white stone. This road led us along the edge of a moat filled with clean, clear water until we came to a white gate. Haldir opened the gate, for it was not locked, and we came into the midst of swarming, silver roots of the giant elvish trees. I was enveloped by warm golden light streaming from above through the leaves, and voices were singing faintly in the distance—voices so beautiful and pleasant to listen to that I swore I had heard them sing before, for they hearkened to my very soul.

Haldir stepped in front of me, removing his hand from my back. Looking over his shoulder, he expected me to follow, so I quickened my pace and hurried after him, though it was difficult to keep up with him in a corset and several layers of frocks—though I wasn’t at all used to wearing clothes like that. All around dme were elves and elf women going about whatever their lives were, and all were as beautiful and fair as Haldir, and all seemed to be made of silver light. Sometimes an elf here or there, or an elf woman, would stop whatever they were doing, or drop any conversations they were having with each other just to watch me pass by. It was an awkward feeling, and it was even more awkward when their eyes would pass from Haldir to me, clouded instantly with remnants of disdain, as if I was not supposed to be in his company. I smiled at one elf who was standing nearer to the path Haldir was leading me down, but my brow was woven with worry and his returning smile was not one of friendliness as much as confusion. It was the same when I passed an elf woman carrying a small child on her hip.

I hurried a little faster and walked up close behind Haldir. Sensing my presence, he looked over his shoulder but did not stop walking. I was looking at another elf when I heard Haldir say: “Tula sinome,” and he took hold of my wrist gently, pulling me forward beside him. He returned his hand to rest on my back, and I felt safer from the scrutinizing eyes of the other elves as I walked close in his presence. Why did the other elves look so confused? I knew he wouldn’t understand me, but I asked Haldir whenever he looked down to see if I was alright and ran his fingers lightly over my shoulder blades comfortingly. It felt nice, like something my father would do to make me feel better after stressing out over something insignificant. “Why are they staring?” Another elf stopped to look, his chin raised a little and one brow cocked with suspicion.

Haldir looked down at me. He seemed to be wrought with some confusion, but he was thinking about what I said, or, rather, the way I had asked, no doubt analyzing the worry in my eyes. After a long moment of silence, he replied: “Ron sinta n’lle…” he said, letting a small smile grace the corners of his elegant mouth. His eyes were soft and comforting, so I smiled and nodded, looking at the ground, comforted by the look in his eyes alone. “Alright then, “ I said to myself. I reached out for his hand and he took it, consuming it completely with his warm palms and long fingers. This made me giggle and I forgot the suspicious looks of the other elves as we walked onward.

This was where I was! I could not believe myself as I repeated the phrase in my head over and over, looking shyly around at the scenes of Caras Galadhon. Only in my dreams could I have imagined a place that wonderful. There was light all around, and music and song, and the lightness all around hearkened to my soul and to every living part of my body until I felt like I could take it no longer! I did not know where Haldir was taking me, so I broke away from his gentle grasp and skipped ahead, turning to face him in the path. “Haldir!” I laughed, and he, taken aback—undoubtedly—arched his brow, stopping, tilting his head slightly with the tease of a smile playing across his mouth as he looked on me with question. “Listen!” I said, opening my arms wide. Tilting my head back and closing my eye, I let the sound of the music and ethereal voices (I say ethereal for I have no other way to describe their quality better) sweep over me in a tide of sensory pleasure; I felt warm, and I could feel happiness surging inside of me like it had never done before. In that moment, I could feel nothing but joy, and forgot everything that had happened, everything that had made me sad once, what already seemed like ages ago. The music mended me and made me whole again—better than any of my favorite songs on my iPod had ever made me feel on a rainy day.

Like an aphrodisiac, the elvish music sated my nerves and calmed me completely, and when I opened my eyes again, despite the faces looking upon me with curiosity, I felt new. Haldir looked at me and when I met his eyes, such wonderful feelings welled up within me that I could not help but laugh and fall to my knees to keep myself from exploding. Haldir moved swiftly to my side and bent low on one knee to help me up again. I took his hands firmly, and instead of lifting myself up I pulled him down with me, and he fell beside me, his face a myriad of shock, humiliation, and mirth, his open mouth grinning ever so slightly as he turned to look at me through the corner of his eye. Then, in an instant too quick for me to fully realize, he had lifted me up and I was standing once more, trying not to laugh at the redness of his cheeks, no doubt from embarrassment. There had been people watching after all.

He looked into my eyes for a moment. His gaze was so firm, and yet the grin on his mouth betrayed him to some amusement, and I could not help but laugh once more. “I’m sorry, Haldir, really…” I giggled, swinging his hand back and forth slowly as his fingers entwined themselves around mine in a thoughtless reaction to the playful movement. I looked up at him as innocently as I could without it being too dramatic or distrustful, and he cocked one eyebrow, spinning me round with the hand I was holding, pushing me forward gently, but firmly. “Sina men, aier.” He chuckled, pushing me forward down the white stoned path with both of his hands upon my shoulders.

“Sina men aier?” I asked, repeating what he had said, because he emphasized the last word—aier—strangely, as if it implied something.

Haldir stopped me, and I turned to face him. He gestured openly down the path and said: “Sine men,” gesturing once more, pointing his finger like an arrow. “Aier!” He smiled broadly and placed his hand on the top of my head, moving it out and comparing the difference in height to his own. “Aier.”

“Short?” I asked, repeating his motion. “Aier, short!”

“Short!” He wrinkled his nose in disapproval, emphasizing the round ‘or’ sound as if he didn’t like it. “Aier.” He nodded his head and I laughed. It did sound far better than ‘short’, as did anything spoken in his language. “Sina men.” He gestured down the pathway once more, but I was confused as to what he was referencing to—the path, the trees, distance?

I patted the stone pathway with my hand. “Sina men?” I asked, but Haldir shook his head and gestured down the direction the path was going. “Sina men.” He repeated, then turned the opposite way we had come, saying: “Sina tanya.” Then, “Sina men,” and turning, “Sina tanya.” And once more for good measure. He was reffering to direction! I nodded my head quickly and returned: “This way,” and spun round the other way, saying: “That way. Sina… er… tanya? Sina tanya, that way, or ‘opposite’.” I pointed the direction we were facing. “This way, sina men?” I could never be sure that he was sure that I was translating him correctly, but he seemed to approve that I had the right idea, for he bowed his head and clapped his hands quietly.

I reached up as high as I could, though even then I could only just reach the top of his golden head. But I measured his height, as he had done with mine, and compared it to my own, bobbing around on my tip toes to keep my measurement of his height accurate. “Tall!” I said, laughing, then sank to my feet, measuring my own height once more. “Short, aier.” I squinted my eye as I tried to pronounce his word right. Pointing to him, I repeated: “Tall.”

“Halla…” Haldir added, then continued: “Halla, tall.”

“Halla! You are ‘halla’, and I am ‘aier’!”

Haldir only laughed and nodded his head slowly, turning to walk down the path once more. “Tulya,” He said, jerking his head smoothly for me to follow.

“Umm… Come?” I asked. “Does ‘tulya’ mean ‘come’? You want me to follow you when you say it, so I guess I’m right… but I don’t know why I’m asking you, I mean… I’m just blabbering, and you can’t understand a word of anything—“

“Tulya, come.” Haldir chuckled, but he didn’t look back at me. Oops, I was annoying him. I did things like that when I was annoyed… I hated looking at whoever was annoying me, though I would still acknowledge their significance by replying to whatever they were trying to tell me.

“Tulya… come… tulya… come… tulya, tulya, tulya…” I found myself making up a weird song to the new word I had learned, fidgeting with my hands behind my back as I walked beside Haldir. “tulya, aier, halla, tulya… halla, tulya…” But I let my voice trail off as I looked around and was once more captivated by the beauty of the massive silver elf trees, and of the light that shrouded me constantly. I looked down at my hands, playing with the air through my fingers, enjoying the way it sparkled across my too-pale skin. I had always been paler than was probably healthy, but I was glad of it then, for I do not think the light would have made me look so shiny had I been darker.

“So, Haldir,” I said, deciding to strike up a pointless conversation with him as we walked through the city. He looked down at me, though I was still playing with my hands in the light. “What does Haldir mean? Does it mean pretty boy… or maybe tall one… or hunk-a-licious? My name means princess, but I’m not a princess… maybe your name means ugly or something, since you’re obviously about as ugly as I am a princess.” I finally looked up at him, smiling, knowing that the look he would return would be one of confusion or unknowing, but instead, he was laughing to himself, looking straight on ahead. Golden light caught his silver eyes and they turned the strangest color—almost a honey color, only colder. “You’re very handsome, Haldir, you know that, don’t you?” I said quietly, but as soon as the thought had escaped my lips—through words that sounded too low and sultry even to my own ears—I covered my mouth and looked down at the ground, horrified. He couldn’t understand me, surely… but I had mistakenly allowed myself too much lust in my voice, something that was shocking for me, for I had never been so attracted to anyone in my life, and I had never had the advantage of them not knowing how to speak with me. I hadn’t realized I was even speaking aloud until I heard myself, and had finished speaking.

I glanced up and Haldir was looking at me through the corner of his eye. He slowed his pace for a moment, letting me walk at a more comfortable speed and, grateful, I caught my breath. “Haldir?” I asked, not looking at him, but I could feel his piercing eyes boring into the side of my face.

“Uma, Sarah?” He replied—his voice was quiet, and he slowed even more until I thought he was going to stop fully.

I turned to look up at him.

He stopped, so I stood in front of him, trying my hardest not to look away from him. His silver eyes never flickered, never swayed from mine. This was frightening, for as they remained completely still, I could not see within them like a human’s eyes. I could not feel what he was feeling, and this made me feel vulnerable to whatever he would unleash upon me if I…


Reaching up slowly, I touched his shoulder, though I had to stand on the highest tips of my toes to reach him, and I could go no higher. I tried to tell him what I was doing through my eyes, but I was too afraid that I was flushing red (by the heat ignited under my skin), and that I looked too worried to tell him anything convincing. I looked into his eyes for a long moment, my hand resting on his shoulder as I fumbled with the strange, woolen fabric of his tunic absentmindedly, trying to think of what I should do next. I knew what I wanted to do, though I had never done anything like that in my life, at all, nor had it ever been done to me. As Haldir just stood in front of me perfectly still and looked down at me with expressionless eyes, my heart had begun to beat so fast that I thought I was going to suffocate. “Haldir?” I said his name, and it came out as a question, but I merely wanted to say his name for the sake of saying it, feeling it roll off my tongue. I had never been so infatuated with anyone so quickly in all of my life, and the speed at which my emotions were boiling up within me and welling over was confusing for me, leaving me questioning everything I did, even when I was not in Haldir’s presence.

I wanted him to kiss me again. Perhaps it was the intoxication of the beauty of the elven city that drove me to need him so badly, for a need to feel his mouth on my jaw once more controlled my every move. “Don’t ignore me…” I whispered.

Haldir opened his mouth as if he was going to say something, but he closed them again. His eyes never flickered away from mine.

I knew I was going to burst with emotion boiling up within me, with the irrational, uncharacteristic impulse compelling me to do something that I would never have ever done before.

Reaching up with my free hand, I pulled the neck of Haldir’s cloak hesitantly, unsure of what else I could do—since I was as high on the tips of my toes as I could go and he was not bending to meet me at all. He wouldn’t. I knew he wouldn’t, and I knew I was going to make a complete fool out of myself, but the nagging impulse to kiss him was more than I could handle. “Haldir, please…” Was all I could whisper, and I felt tears well up in my eyes, though I wish they hadn’t. I hated crying when I didn’t really have to, but a part of me had already accepted that he was not going to kiss me, and that I was just embarrassing myself for no reason, but another part of me did not want to acknowledge that sure fact. “I mean… I’m sorry if I’m too blatant, or whatever, but I need you to do this for me…Haldir… I don’t know why, I really don’t, but I—“

Quicker than I could realize, there was heat surging through my entire body, and every nerve in my face and hands was alight with blazing fire, set burning by the sudden touch of Haldir’s lips to mine. It was so sudden that I did not believe it had happened, and I was utterly confused. Why would he kiss me? I had not known him for more than a week, and I did not even know why I felt as strongly attached to him as I did. What was making him so sure of me?

Bending farther toward me, and I to him, Haldir brought his hands to my face, lifting my chin. He was as hesitant as I was and his brow was tense, but he did not break the kiss, nor did he close his eyes. His lips were soft like sweet velvet against mine, igniting such a fire in my chest that it became nearly suffocating.

I had always thought it would be awkward to kiss with my eyes open, but I couldn’t close them when he held them captive. The pale softness of his silver eyes melted my heart and burned my skin until I nearly felt sick to the stomach—everything had happened so fast and here I was kissing an elf that I barely knew, but could not help but be close to. The touch of his gentle fingers to my cheek and neck was torture to my nerves, and it stopped my breathing.

I broke the kiss with a gasp, and Haldir pulled away quickly, straightening immediately and turning slightly away from me while looking at me out of the corner of his eye. His face was unreadable, and his frame was so rigid I was almost frightened to touch him again, and immediately I began to regret kissing him. What if I had ruined any chance of being with him, simply because I could not control myself?

“Sarah…” I heard his melodious voice speak my name and my heart lunged into my throat, though I couldn’t look at him. Something warned me not to look at him, because he had acted so strangely the first time he had tried to kiss me earlier that day. “Sarah, lle sinta tanya amin…” He began, but his voice trailed off and his gaze fell to the green ground. At the sound of my name, I looked up at him, trying not to look desperate or pitiful, but I was horribly embarrassed and disgusted with myself. Hell, for all I knew, unfamiliar women acting as bold as I was acting was harlotry to him. I didn’t want to come across as a whore or an insane person—though I was sure my feeble attempts at self control hadn’t been anywhere close to successful at all during my stay, so far—but I couldn’t help it, really. I had never been so compelled to do something like kiss Haldir in all of my short life, though I knew he was going to hate me. After all, we weren’t exactly in private.

Nearby stood two elf women who watched with wide eyes, their ghostly forms becoming more human with the gossip that was tainting their lips as they discussed what they had just seen. I did not make eye contact with them, but my heart sank, for I knew then why Haldir had gone so rigid and I couldn’t blame him for not wanting to stand close to me anymore. I ruined it—any chance of him liking me at all. I ruined every chance I ever had with any guy, though I had never wanted to be with someone so desperately as I wanted to be with Haldir. I imagined him turning and leaving me standing by myself in the path, and my heart crumpled into a wad in my chest until it hurt to breathe.

“I’m sorry, Haldir…” I whispered, closing my eyes in shame as I looked at the ground. I could feel his piercing eyes sear my skin as his gaze lifted to me, but he did not say anything. What could he say, I wondered. He could start spouting off all sorts of elvish curses and bad words, but what would be the point in that? I wouldn’t be able to understand him after all, so it would only frustrate him further, if indeed he was angry with me. “Haldir?” I squeaked. My voice came out smaller than I had hoped and only made me feel more insignificant.

Haldir sighed. I opened my eyes at the sound and looked up at him. He was looking down at me as expressionless as he had been before, or else there was an expression upon his beautiful face that I did not know and could not read. But I loved to see him looking at me, for even as unsure as I was about him, seeing into his bottomless silver eyes lifted my spirits and soothed the churning of my stomach as it writhed with nervousness.

There was a long moment of silence between the two of us, and I could not hear the elvish music over the sound of my beating heart. “Ummm…” My hot cheeks grew hotter and I was wringing the fabric of my dress so firmly that I was sure it was going to rip and I anticipated the sound. But Haldir took my hand suddenly, stopping their wringing and covering them with his warm palms. It was not until his hands had covered mine that I realized how I was trembling, and his breath hitched in his throat.

“Sarah, amin…” He started to speak. “…mere amin lle il hanya lle…” His voice broke. His eyes flickered. “Tulya amin.”
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Haldir released his fear, relishing in the feel of her soft mouth against his lips. He could taste her nervousness, and her fingertips trembled against his chest and as they wound through his hair, touched the edges of his ears, touched his cheek with their sensual warmth. She pressed her chest against his and he found that his arms willingly enveloped her. Her body moved beneath his arms as she stretched to reach him and he bent closer for better access to her hungry mouth.

He knew there were other elves watching near to them, but he found this knowledge oddly stimulating and her kiss took any fear he had away. Oh, how he loved the feeling of her in his arms! Sarah sighed onto his mouth, and he saw that her face was red and blushing with splotches of blood pooled beneath her pale skin.

He should not kiss her.

He should not be close.

Something forbade him to want her with him.