Knocking At Heaven's Door

Title: Knocking At Heaven's Door
Author: Emmess
Rating: NC17
Warnings: Everything I can think of without being overly gross and offensive.
Pairings: Almost every Elf in Arda
Disclaimer: I do not own anything even remotely associated with Tolkien's universe, and actually…very little of anything else.
Summery: Ever wonder what happens to fanfic writers after they die? Would heaven be heaven without Elves and sex? Um…no. No, it wouldn't


Chapter 7
I've Got A Secret

Groaning, I irritably swatted at the finger that was insistently poking me in the shoulder. "Go away," I mumbled, trying to bury myself deeper into my pillow.

Surprising, the pillow tried to crawl away from me. I pulled at it and tried to bunch it up under my head.

"Ouch…" My pillow murmured, finally rising up and dumping my head unceremoniously on the hard bed, where it thumped rather soundly.
"Ow!" I yelped, finally lifting my head up and opening my eyes. Legolas stood directly in my line of sight, which was no higher than waist level, affording me an excellent view of his assets. He was frowning slightly, and rubbing his bum vigorously.

"Sorry to dump you like that, but my ass was completely numb. I tried to wake you…"

Realizing at last that my pillow for the night had been Legolas' delightful rump, I covered my mouth with my hand, giggling helplessly.

He looked a bit affronted, considering where my eyes were focussed while I was giggling, and, folding his arms over his chest, staring down at me, one pale brow arched over his blue, blue eyes, he asked, "Might I ask what it is that you find so funny?"

"I'm sorry," I sputtered in between snorts, "it's nothing, really…just ignore me."

"You snore," he said, in a poor effort to get back at me for what he perceived as an affront to his Elfhood.

"I do not!" I protested, still snorting periodically.

"You do too. You snore and drool. My butt is soaking wet."

"Enough!" Haldir cut in, swinging his legs to sit on the edge of the table. He rested his hand on my rear, absently rubbing it. That was enough to shut me up. "I'm hungry…anyone up for breakfast?"

"I am," Elrohir chimed in, stretching his lithe form.

"Well, you're up for something, at any rate," Legolas smirked, eyeing Elrohir's impressive erection.

"Jealous, Legs?"

"I asked you not to call me that."

"What? Jealous? I think you are."

"No, Legs…I mean…I'm not jealous…I mean…you know what I mean!"

"You're too easy, Legs."

"Stop calling me that!"

"ENOUGH! You're both giving me a headache. She's hungry, as am I. Let's go eat," Haldir growled at the two Elves.

"Are you going to start that mind reading crap this early in the morning, Haldir?" I asked, frowning up at him.

"Well…you are hungry, aren't you? I'm just stating the facts."

"Stop reading my mind!"

"I can't…it's the law. You wouldn't want me to go to Elf jail, now would you?"

"He's too pretty for jail," Elrohir commented, trying to look serious, but failing miserably.

"He'd get rump roasted by some big Elf named Bertha," Legolas laughed.

"And that would be a bad thing because…?" Elrohir roared, slapping Legolas on the back.

"I am not going to say this again…ENOUGH! You two are enough to drive an Elf to drink!" Haldir bellowed. He froze a moment, as if lost in thought. He was lost in thoughts…MY thoughts. Again.

"So…feeling a bit frisky this morning, are we?" He murmured, bending his head down to take my earlobe into his mouth. His hand on my butt suddenly began to rub in earnest.

"Stop that! Just because a thought happens to flit across my mind doesn't automatically mean you need to act on it! Besides, you can't tell me that you all ALWAYS want to…you know…"

"Yes, we do," Legolas said, his hand roaming down to his crotch.

"Always," Elrohir agreed, his hand mimicking Legolas'.

"You can read my mind, right? Well, what am I thinking now?" I asked, turned on, but aggravated just the same.

"She…she…she wants to know what turns US on…what REALLY turns us on…" Haldir said, looking surprised.

"No one ever cares what our turn-ons are…and with good reason. They probably wouldn't be your turn-ons, and you might be disappointed. This is Heaven - no disappointment is allowed," Legolas tried to explain, dropping his hand from his now rigid tool.

"I want to know. I'll be disappointed if you DON'T tell me. Don't sell yourself, or me, short. You never know…come on, you know all about me…spill!" I said, sitting up next to Haldir.

"Well…if you really want to know…" Elrohir began, unsure of how to proceed.

"You see, it's like this…" Legolas tried to continue, his voice fading.

"Oh, for Eru's sake…you want to know? Okay, I'll tell you, but I warn you that our likes are probably nothing like what you'd imagined," Haldir said, crossing his arms and looking at me sternly.

"I want to know, Haldir."

"Well then, let's start with Legolas, here. The beautiful, sweet, kind, gentle Prince of Mirkwood is really into the rough stuff."

I raised an eyebrow at Legolas, whose eyes suddenly turned dark as they looked back at me. "Rough stuff?" I squeaked.

"BDSM, sweetheart. Bondage, whips, cuffs…you get the picture," Legolas replied, trailing a finger down my thigh, and suddenly looking more dangerous than I was comfortable with.

A mental image of him in the get-up from the Maelstrom store window, complete with the crotchless leather pants and whip burst into my head, and my breath came a little faster.

"Wow…"

Haldir continued, "Elrohir, and his twin Elladan, are into public voyeurism. They'd do it in the middle of Times Square at midnight on New Year's Eve…as a matter of fact, I think they have…"

"Twice," Elrohir laughed, wiggling his eyebrows up and down.

"With whom?" I asked, snickering at the thought of Dick Clark counting down the seconds while the twins went at it.

"Whoever's available, silly," 'Ro smiled.

The room was getting warmer by the minute.

"Erestor and Glorfindel are into each other," Legolas contributed. "Of course, not at the same time - that would be a physical impossibility."

"Ada…well, we don't talk about what Ada is into in polite company," Elrohir laughed.

Haldir leaned over my shoulder and whispered, "Can you say 'baa?"

I gasped, then snorted out loud at that image.

"Thranduil is almost exclusively heterosexual…as long as the lady in question doesn't mind him wearing lingerie," Haldir added.

"Thranduil is a crossdresser? I wouldn't have pegged him that way," I mused, smiling as I pictured the Elfking in a corset and garters.

"What about you, Haldir…what floats your boat?" I asked the big Elf.

"I think it's time to get some breakfast," Haldir said, standing up and offering me his hand. "We should get dressed and go find something to eat."

"Oh, no, pal…you told her ours!" Legolas laughed, putting his hand on Haldir's chest to hold him back. "Haldir, here, our big, strong March Warden…"

"I believe I said that I was hungry!" Haldir interrupted, trying to pull me past Legolas.

"Haldir…let him finish," I admonished, yanking my hand from his grasp.

"Let's just say that if Legolas is in shipping, then Haldir is definitely in receiving," Elrohir chuckled.

"He likes to, er…submit," Legolas grinned, "and he does it so well…"

"I'm going to get some food. Whoever wants to join me may, but this conversation is over!" Haldir exclaimed, fumbling with his leggings.
I laughed silently, not wanting to embarrass Haldir any more than he already was, but truthfully I was wondering what it might be like to see the stern, arrogant March Warden subdued. Haldir froze for a moment, then sighed.

"I knew telling her was not going to be good," he mumbled, shrugging into his jerkin. "She's not going to let me forget this. Ever."

Elrohir was chuckling, and Legolas had a big grin on his face as we left the restaurant in search of breakfast.