My Past

My Past: A fear in the Night


The days rolled onto weeks and my heart did not waver in its decision. I was in love with the white haired shin-changer and there was naught I could do to dissuade my heart of this choice. Not that I would dare try attempt to.

We spent a great deal of time together. We would walk the halls and gardens of the Keep and talk in hushed voices completely absorbed in the other's reactions. He asked man questions of my family, childhood and personal tastes and I answered him openly. We exchanged brief touches that evoked a longing in my body that I had rarely held before. We had even taken to exchanging a kiss as we parted company from our meetings.

I was standing beneath the arched pillars overlooking a garden below as the sun rose high in the east casting her golden rays over the rich green and gray gown of the earth. I stood there with my right hand resting lightly upon the cool stone of the column. My body relaxed and my mind at ease.

I felt his presence at once. My body had attuned itself to his arrival by now. The flutter in my stomach of nerves, the slight quicken of my heart in excitement and the dilation of my pupils in welcome. Dinrogion came silently to stand behind me. Our bodies not touching yet I felt the heat of him upon my back. His breath caressing my ear as he gazed over my shoulder upon the garden below.

Slowly he raised his right hand and placed it over mine. My flesh and bone came alive as it lay trapped between the hard, cool stone and the tender, heat of his palm. I turned my head from the garden to gaze upon our hands. His fingers slide between mine and they entwined and held gently against the stone.

"A beautiful view…" the voice murmured in my ear.

My eyes were on our joined hands as I replied. " 'tis perfect."

I felt him smile. His free hand moved up to touch my hair. His fingers stretching out to take a lock and delicately travel its length. They then returned upwards and a finger hovered a hair's width from the outer shell of my ear and traced its contour without touching. I closed my eyes and could not help the slight moan that escaped my throat. My fingers locked in his squeezed slightly.

Then, as delicate as one would touch a butterfly wing, his finger caressed the tip and ridges of my ear. The moan was much louder this time. No longer did I wish any space to separate us. I leaned back into him. My shoulder blades against his chest, my back to his stomach. His groin pressed to the curve of my backside. The finger on my ear ceased and the hand dropped to wrap about my waist and hold my body tightly to his. I could feel I was not alone in my arousal for his was pressed against me seeking contact. Without thought our hips began to move as one. My head rolled back and fell on his shoulder while our hands remained sealed together.

"Dinrogion…" I whispered as the heat of arousal colored my body.

His lips pressed against my throat and shoulder where he kissed tenderly at the skin. He trailed soft kisses from my ear to my collarbone where he paused to bite into the skin. Not breaking it but hard enough to leave a mark. I gasped in surprise then began to moan as his body ground against mine.

"Elrohir…Your scent…is intoxicating…I believe I could smell your arousal if we stood at opposite ends of the Keep and it would call me to you."

He was lifting my tunic and his free hand was placed upon the fastens of my pants. "Would you come if you were called to me so?" I asked.

Dinrogion laughed. "Indeed, my Elrohir I w-"

"Dinrogion!" Timlal's stern voice bellowed down the hallway. I could now hear footsteps approaching from an adjoining corridor. Though they were not near as blunt as the string of curses from Dinrogion's mouth as he pulled away from me to face them.

My clothing was in disarray and my face flushed. I leaned against the pillar and tried to calm my body while hiding my face and arousal from the approaching shin-changers. Though my embarrassment at being caught in such a manner only served to deepen the flush.

I heard them round the corner and stop. No doubt due to the fact Dinrogion was standing there with his arms folded against his chest, back straight, and facial expression viscous. "What." Not a question. It was a rather enraged statement.

Timlal, Vitalo, Gragmilion, Daimail and Shassma came about the corner. Vitalo took one look at Dinrogion and one at my shoulder where the tunic had been pushed aside for Dinrogion's mouth and started to snicker. Daimail swiftly poked him in the ribs while concealing a snicker of her own.

"Dinrogion. We have been searching for you for the past hour. Please do not tell me while we looked you have been here wasting time by slacking your energies and hungers into this elfling?" Gragmilion's resonate, deep voice dripped with disapproval. He did not bother to hide his unhappiness with the attention Dinrogion paid me. Much like Timlal. Though I admit to finding Gragmilion's words causing me more pain than Timlal's overprotective scowls when I accompanied Dinrogion.

I desired to do nothing more but melt into the pillar and vanish from sight at that moment. I turned my back to them and my attentions to the gardens and attempting to straighten my cloths. I noted the flowers in full bloom around the small pool. Their scent heavy with pollen as summer came to a close. I also noticed an addition to the garden. This was indeed the one I overlooked the first night I wandered and spoke with Dinrogion. I often returned to this spot and sat between the pillars looking out. I noticed that a new sapling had been placed near the window. To my eyes the struggling tree looked frail and small compared to the strength of the established garden and the rocks beyond upon the horizon. I feared the small tree would not last the winter. But I hoped for it.

"At least my 'waste of time' was rewarded and filled by the charm and beauty of the one I shared it with. While you ran about directiolness to find something that was under your nose." Dinrogion's tone was sharp and aggressive. I flinched for I did not desire his defense of me to come between him and his court.

I turned my head slightly and was about to ask my leave, but Shassma caught my eye, and shook her head to still any words from my mouth. I remained silent watching Dinrogion from the quiet shadow and comfort of the pillar.

Gragmilion backed down from Dinrogion's glare. Though he did caste me a withering side glance as Daimail stepped forward taking the attention. Her slender and elegant body usually commanded it. Though she was fairly short of height her voice was surprisingly low and commanding. "Heru, there is a situation that has come to pass that shall require our attentions in a physical presence."

"What has happened?" Dinrogion demanded.

"It seems the remains of our ex allies have gathered a force in one of the human villages encroaching upon our hunting grounds. They are convincing the people that it is a wise choice to cut off out produce shipments to the Keep and to hunt the lands for themselves." Daimail spoke flatly.

"If we fail to get our harvessst from zzem, zzze clan will grow frail over the winter monthsss." I looked to Dinrogion in concern over Shassma's voice. Her annunciation usually wavered when she became greatly worried. She tended to lose concentration on the words and they came out a raspy hiss.

"Dinrogion," Daimail's voice was slightly hesitant. "I believe the Anga Anca have joined with Lord Gorhis."

His brow was furrowed and his lips had disappeared into a tight white line as he thought and fought back his temper. The muscles in his neck were tense and I could place a fairly certain bet that his fists were clenched beneath his arms. "Gather all who are willing and we shall descend to the villages and convince the people otherwise. Let us gather those Anga Anca left who rebel against us and end this."

I felt a shiver run down my spine at the steal of his voice and found myself fearing for the fate of the Anga Anca. Though, I realized that fear was unjustified, as Dinrogion had shown naught but kindness and fair judgement. If ill were to befall these rebels by Dinrogion's hand would it not be because they brought it upon themselves by threatening his people and the humans in the village? I would offer him my aide in dealing with them.

Vitalo and Daimail had already turned and made their way back the way they had come. Dinrogion was sending Gragmilion and Timlal off to organize and send word out. Shassma had gone to assemble a team of healers and supplies. Dinrogion turned his attention back to me standing almost forgotten against the pillar.

"Elrohir…"

"Can I assist you with this?" I asked. "…and who is Lord Gorhis?"

"No." Dinrogion's voice was stern. "You shall remain here until we return." I frowned at his order and he seemed to realize the harshness in his tone for his voce softened when he spoke next. "He is a clan leader like myself. Only he has had his eye on this clan to take as his own for quite some time." He shrugged his shoulders. A mannerism I was growing to recognize as his way of pushing off something that was bothering him as insignificant to those around him. "This should not take long. We will return in a week's time at most. Most likely we will be back at the Keep sooner than that. I do not wish you to accompany me because I'm finding your presence rather distracting…" He reached up and stroked my cheek with the back of his hand. "And I am in need of a clear mind."

I found myself leaning into the touch and nodding. "I shall stay…but if in a week and a day's time you have not returned I shall come and seek you to confirm your safety with my own eyes."

The hand paused and I watched the guarded expression close over his eyes. He withdrew his hand from my face and was about to argue that I should remain here no matter what. But before he could get the words out I leaned forward and brushed my lips against his. Effectively ending the debate. I had learned rather quickly that we both possessed a rather stubborn streak and neither of us liked to give in on our verbal spars.

He smiled and wrapped his arms around my body. One of his hands stroked my hair fondly.

"When are you leaving?" I asked as I let my head rest on his shoulder and returned the embrace.

I felt him sigh and pull away. "Now."

"Oh." We stood and looked at each other in the full morning light for a time. "I suppose you must walk away then…?"

Dinrogion's laughter filled the hall and seemed to bring warmth in with the light of morning. I smiled as he pulled me in for another light kiss then released me. "That I must. I shall return." With that he turned and strode down the hall.

I watched him until he disappeared around a corner and his footsteps faded from my ears. I looked out to the garden at the struggling sapling and suddenly felt rather alone.

So I opted to make my way to the kitchens and surround myself with the clan and fill my stomach with a decent breakfast. I turned and walked from the gardens deeper into the fortress. I was always left with a sense of amazement the build of this structure. There were so many levels and passages and open rooms. As well as the gardens and secluded alcoves built into the building itself. When I walked the halls I often felt as though it had grown up from the mountains and not been hewn into it. Perhaps that is why I felt comfortable here. It was as much a living structure with the rock as Rivendell was with the trees.

There were four main sections of the sprawling clan's homherehere was the lower levels that were built into the rock and ground that I had never ventured in. This was the section that I had been asked to refrain from and seeing as how it seemed to be under ground with no open windows I truly had no desire to. The second section was where the main entrance, the great hall, kitchens, armory and practice room, and archive were located. The third was a more protected section. It had far more walls and lesser access points than the others did. This was the section most of the non-changers lived in, as well as some young families of changers. There were many chambers, gardens and gathering places. This is the section I was wandering through now. The place I had been brought to when I first arrived was an empty wing of rooms. Dinrogion had wanted me away from the main part of the Keep until my intentions had been learned. My own rooms were still located on the section. But in a more open part overlooking the garden.

The Last and highest of the sections was where the majority of the skin-changers dwelled. I did not venture up those halls to the spacious rooms housing the clan's people. I felt more at ease in the levels where more non-changers walked. There was not nearly as many curious stares or disapproving snorts as I passed.

The smell of the kitchens overtook my senses as I came down a stairwell to enter the mess hall. Smiling in greeting to those I recognized I ventured to the kitchens themselves and eyed what was being set out for those seeking to fill their stomachs. A rather plump, small human with long blonde hair tied in a bun upon her head set a bowl of porridge with a cut apple upon my plate. She was currently even more robust as the roundness of her pregnancy began to show. This was her first child and I was more than sure it would be well-smothered in motherliness.

I smiled in warm greeting to the woman who somehow managed to bring order to the chaos of the kitchens. "Good morning, Eodril."

"Hmph. It will be far better once I track down the scrub-boy that has been stealing the sweet bread from the pantry. Those little rascals don't think I know whose sticky finger marks are left on my clean counters. Now may I ask where Heru Draug has gotten off to this morning? He left his plate of breakfast half-eaten. He should eat more. As should you. I always thought elves needed a bit more flesh on their bones. Here's some warm bread and a bit of cheese…would you like some tea? We just put on a new pot. It should be ready in a few. Go sit and I'll send one of the girls over with it."

I was pushed from the kitchens with a full plate and she was on to the next empty plate and its holder. "Thank you Eodril!" I called after her as I took a seat at my usual bench and blew on a spoonful of hot porridge. My tea was brought and I thanked the young skin-changer who brought it. She flashed a smile at me and retreated back to the kitchens at Eodril's commands not to dally in the hall.

I finished my breakfast in quiet and sipped at my tea. I could not help but notice the hall was far more subdued than normal. The missing skin-changers had decreased the number of voices and bodies in the room at this hour. As I sat in my corner finishing my tea I found myself missing them though they had not even left the Keep as yet. I shook my head and took my dishes back to the kitchens and set them before a rather forlorn looking boy doing the dishes.

The rest of my day was spent in the gardens. I climbed up into one of the large trees and let it cradle my in its branches. My body relaxed I listened to it speaking quietly of the comings and goings of the leggedies and I also was witness to a rather vivid debate with the surrounding trees about whether vegetarianism was considered genocide or not.

The day passed quietly. Soon the candles of the Keep were being lit to offer the occupants a bit of comfort from the night. Eventually my wandering mind followed my feet to my own rooms. I could not help but feel a growing sense of unease over Dinrogion's safe return. I did not doubt his abilities or Timlal's dedication to his protection. But accidents did happen and I feared of him taking a wound. Or worse.

I gazed out the window and sighed. Sitting here and growing more concerned as I thought it over would help little. My mind and imagination would only further to play on my fears and increase them beyond what was in reality.

I rose from the chair by the window and removed my boots and belt. Then I pulled off my tunic, pans and undertunic. I folded them and set them neatly on my dresser. Then I set my boots in the corner and my belt back in the wardrobe. I padded across the cool floor and slid my bare body between the cool sheets. I pulled them up close to my chin, turned upon my side and burrowed into the comfort of the bed. It took a while for sleep to reach me.

When it did it brought about an anguished dream.

I was running from something. A shadow that threatened to overtake me. I knew not the form of the shadow but I felt it closing in behind my feet no matter how fast I ran. My feet pounded upon the ground unusually heavy. Beside me ran a white wolf. For some reason the wolf began to fall behind as I ran. I turned to see where he was behind me. Then I was plummeting. I fell through ice and into a cold river. Oddly I was no longer afraid of the shadow as I knew it could not catch me. I was floating calmly, falling to the river's bottom. Dark water around me with no sense of direction. Then the water was filling with blood. It came down to surround me and fill my lungs and eyes with red. I could make out wisps of movement in my vision. But nothing substantial as the heavy dark crimson embraced me in the deep. I continued to fall and float. Turning gently numbed with cold. The skinned carcass of a horse turned its wide eyes to me and screamed as the white wolf crashed through the ice above me.

I awoke clutching at my chest pale in terror. My own scream was trapped in my throat. My lungs refused take in air. I just sat rigid in the sheets staring at the window until at last I gasped in air and my fingers unclenched to release the blankets. I was shaking, pale and haunted by the shadows of my room. I could not sit still in my bed for the vision remained etched in my eyes. I needed to walk it off.

I tossed my sheets aside and threw on my undertunic and a bathing robe. I tied it firmly closed about my waist and left my rooms heading down to the main level. I had no idea where it was that I walked. I just followed the direction my feet took me. Always glancing into the shadows of the hall in nervous fear. My bare feet carried me first to a garden. I lingered here but the open space that normally brought me comfort left me wanting for companionship. So I returned and padded towards the great hall where Dinrogion's chair sat. For a reason I could not explain I felt that if I were to go and sit by the fire in a room where he often sat I would feel more at ease.

Though I feared it was a far cry from the comfort of his voice would bring me. But it would need to suffice as I had no where else to turn at this hour. I entered the hall and froze in the shadows of the entrance out of surprise.

Roch was standing by Dinrogion's raised seat. There were three other figures with him. I would have walked in and raised my voice in thankful greeting to see Roch but something in the manner in which they stood made me uneasy. As I watched them a recognition of the style in which one dressed had me. The one man with dark hair and carrying a small, metal box was of the Anga Anca. The other man was wearing robes of deep green and had rusty brown hair that was long and tied back from his face. He was powerfully built and carried himself with the authority of nobility. The third individual was a woman wrapped in a dark green cloak with a black stag upon it.

"…work you shall both be rewarded accordingly." The man in green was speaking. "Roch, you have proven your loyalty to me and done your task without fault. That which you desire shall be yours once Dinrogion returns. Gertorn, you shall have your reward once Dinrogion is in a lifeless heap upon this chair."

My open-mouthed gasp of disbelief echoed through the hall and the four figures turned as one to stare at the stunned elf in a bathrobe. We just stared at one another in silent round-eyed surprise for a time. I could not think of a thing other than the threat to Dinrogion. My feet would not move nor my voice work for the second time that night. I could not understand who they were and why Roch was here.

"Elrohir!" Roch's voice interrupted the silence. The man in green motioned to the woman and the pause that had frozen us dissolved into fast-forward. Roch was betraying Dinrogion. My friend, Roch, was going to cause the death of my love. I had to get to Dinrogion and warn him something was amiss. As the woman leaped forward and I saw her body begin to shift I bolted. I ran hard and in a zigzag pattern into the room heading for a side entrance to the hall. I refused to turn my exposed back to a changer in mid change. I watched in horror as her body contorted in a blur and seemed to bulge outward and unroll into a giant spider. She jumped into the columns as I ran below them. I turned to reach the door but she was faster, coming down between the door and I. Swiftly I changed direction and headed towards another excite. I threw myself to the side as a silvery, sticky web passed over me. I had managed to barely avoid it and went rolling into the columns. I sprang to my feet and started to the door when an arrow passed in front of my path causing me to swerve almost directly into the changer.

"Don't hurt him!" Roch's desperate voice called out as I ran.

I seemed to be doing circles. I would get close to an entrance then be driven back between Gertorn's arrows and the changer's webs. I was becoming desperate to be free of this. I had to escape. If I did not Dinrogion would be killed. The thought kept me moving and avoiding their traps. But I could tell they too were growing wary of the chase. I took to the raised seat and the changer in the green robes there. Instead of moving aside giving me a clear run towards the side door by getting him the way of his followers, he lowered his head and charged forward. I was not struck by a man but by a full grown stag. My body was slammed into a wall and I collapsed in a limp ball upon the floor. I was not unconscious. But I could not discern much of anything but a throbbing pain over my body.

"Roch. He is yours. Lock him up somewhere and keep him out of sight until after Dinrogion touches the crystal. Gertorn, hurry and place it in the chair before someone else comes to investigate the noise."

The changer in the green robes moved away from me and into the shadows of the hall. Roch ran to my side and looked a bit distraught. He reached down and took my pulse and when I groaned it seemed to ease his worry. For he lifted me and draped my dazody ody over his shoulder and ran from the hall in an apparent rush. I attempted to get my dazed body to respond, but it was not until I was being set upon the floor of a small room that my brain managed to connect with my tongue. "Roch…Roch…what are you doing? Where am I?"

"Shush now Elrohir. Everything will be fine." He reached out and stroked my hair repeatedly. "Try not to say much. The room is small and I want to sleep outside. You're in the storage room off my room. No one will hear us. I can have you to myself. Dinrogion will not interrupt us anymore now will he? He'll be dead and we'll be together."

I just stared at Roch with a growing cold fear clawing in my belly. "Roch…I am with Dinrogion…please…do not hurt him…warn him…do not betray him to death!" Roch let his fingers trail over my cheekbone and over to caress the shell of my ear with an odd grin. I gasped at the touch to my rather sensitive ears and could not hide the flush that crept into my face. I jerked my face from his hand and glared at him. "Do not touch me so Roch."

"I've watched you…I know you like that…a lot."

I frowned. "What do you mean you have watched me…?"

He moved closer to me reaching out a hand to caress my neck. "I've watched you bathe…you're beautiful in the water Elrohir…and I've watched you in your room…from the window. I saw what it did to you when he touched you there." His hand traveled back to my ear. This time I pushed him violently away.

"I said not to touch me."

"Why not? We are made for each other! You're so kind…I know you want to be with my as much as I want you. But Dinrogion was always in the way wasn't he? Well he won't be for much longer. He'll die as soon as he sits down. And then Gorhis said that because I let him in and helped get Din Din out of the Keep I can have you as my own. And I do now. No one can tell me to go away. I have you all to myself. We can even go ridding again sometime. Just you and me. I loved the feeling of your legs around me Elrohir as I ran…it-"

I had crawled to the wall and was staring at him in a combination of horror and confusion. "Roch! We are not together! I love Dinrogion! You were my friend, a dear friend, but no more!" Hearing how I turned on this boy was more than I could take. I had no idea he had seen me in such a way. And now he was helping to kill Dinrogion so that I would spend time with him. I had to escape. He had watched me in my rooms and bath. I felt violated. I had thought Dinrogion…I never believed Roch…okedoked at the door behind Roch and was preparing to make a dash for it.

His hand clamped down on my neck and forced the air from my throat. I grabbed at his hands in shock and struggled. "No. You can't go. You're mine. Just you and me. I need to leave for a while. But when I come back we can talk. Alright lover?" he released me and walked from the room. I hit the floor as the door locked shut and the darkness set in.

I got to my feet stiffly and rubbing my neck. Why had I no just punched him and run? I asked myself as I searched blindly for a wall. I found it and began to circle the room. One hand placed upon the wall. There was no light here. The air was heavy and stagnant. The room was very small. I had never licked being in small-enclosed spaces. I tended to become panicked. "Hello?!" I called out as loudly as my damaged throat would allow. I heard nothing but my own echo. This seemed to do nothing but unnerve me further.

Taking a steadying breath I tried to sit to meditate. But the walls of the room seemed to touch me from all sides and the silence was a distraction. I continued to try and sit. I remained so for perhaps minutes. Perhaps hours. Though to me in seemed like an age passed out in the sun as I sat. So I stood and paced instead. Occasionally, I would call out with increasing desperation to my voice. My pace sped up as I traveled the little room in the dark. My thoughts became more scattered and confused. I had to get out to find Dinrogion and warn him. I had to get out to find Dinrogion. I had to get out. OUT!

I have no idea how long I paced and called for help before tears fell from my eyes and I took to clawing at the door and walls with my nails. "Anyone? Is anyone out there! Please! Someone let me out!" The panic and hopelessness in me threatened to swallow my body whole. I scratched and pounded until my nails tore and my fists were bruised. I ran about the room as though I were being chased by Sauron's eye itself. But I was still drowning in a black box filled with air.

Then light was pouring into my blind eyes from the doorway. Roch's silhouette was there. I did not bother to see or listen. I simply ran him over and bolted for freedom. The Keep was a blur of stone and surprised faces. My bare feet pounded upon the floor and then over rock. Eventually they found themselves upon the forest floor where they were at home. I ran past the trees, my bathrobe lost, my body a pulsating bruise. But I did not care. All I knew was sky and earth and the forest and the need to seek out Dinrogion.

So I ran.

The sun began to set in the west as I ran. It had been at least a day in that room. At least. My feet refused to rest. My heart remained steady and my mind began to calm. I had not paid attention to the direction in which I had run and was now lost. I set my course SouthWest and continued in my pace. Free of the room and Roch.

I took to the trees in hopes of getting my bearings. My feet and hands both cried out in protest to the abuse though I chose to ignore them. I would rest once Dinrogion was safe. A path came into sight from my vantagepoint. So I took up a pace near it.

As the last of the sun was setting I saw movement upon the path. I froze and took cover among the trees and watched. Something was prowling down towards my position. It paused on occasion to test the air. An animal. A large one. I watched it draw closer and realized it to be a wolf. The hunter drew closer still to me and I saw it to be white with amber eyes.

My relief was palatable. I would go to him and both of us would be safe. Rising from my position I ran to the wolf and collapsed in exhaustion before it. "Dinrogion….I must tell you…'tis not safe for you to return…Roch…" The words died on my tongue as I watched the wolf take form.

"…is a fool who could not keep a pup in his control if it was tied to his leg." Gorhis stated.

I was returned bound hand and foot to the Keep under Gorhis and his Spider changer's many eyes.