Cuil Eden

68

Legolas swallowed when he saw that Ellonúr had accompanied Haldir. He remembered only too well how Ellonúr had treated him in Imladris – and how badly he himself had dealt with the situation then. But it was so hard to look at him and know that at one time, Ellonúr had been his Lord's lover, had known that wondrous body just as well as he did, especially as Legolas could not help but feel that Ellonúr was his better in absolutely every regard.

And yet Glorfindel had chosen to wed him, not Ellonúr... That knowledge should help, and it did, and yet Legolas could not help but feel jealousy when he looked at the slim warrior who had once held that which was now the most important thing in the world to Legolas – his Lord's heart.

“Haldir, Ellonúr... Did Celeborn send you to retrieve us? I swear that we did not plan to abscond from our own bethrothal feast; we merely wished for a few moments of privacy.” Glorfindel smiled in welcome, though he kept his arm on Legolas' shoulder to hold him close. “Will you share a glass of wine with us when we return? I fear that we have finished the mead we brought.”

Legolas felt a smile tug at his lips at the barrage of words, realizing that his Lord was neither drunk, nor was he trying to divert their attention – Glorfindel was simply happy, in a way that Legolas had never experienced him before, and wanted to share his joy with his friends. Legolas pressed himself closer in wordless love and resolved to prove worthy of his Lord by overcoming this unbecoming jealousy of his Lord's erstwhile lover.

Being jealous of Ellonúr meant doubting his Lord – and how could he do that? So he forced himself to smile at them, which truly was not so hard on this joyous day, and silently begged the Valar to not let Ellonúr pick on him on this of all days.

“Some wine, and then my dance, I hope?” Haldir asked, looking at Legolas with a raised brow as if he doubted the youth's ability to make good on his promise after all the mead he had been plied with.

“Of course; I would not break a promise.”

“And I shall watch you closely, Haldir...” Glorfindel threatened so that Haldir laughed and raised his hands.

“Just a dance, I swear; I shall not ask for a lock of his fair hair, nor for a kiss.”

“I should hope not,” Ellonúr said dryly. “In any case, my congratulations on your betrothal, Glorfindel. I had not thought that I would ever see that day arrive... But I truly hope that you will find all you have ever hoped for.”

Legolas wondered at Ellonúr's tone. He seemed completely unaffected by his former lover's betrothal, and yet there was some emotion in his voice which Legolas could not place.

“Before we return and Haldir claims his dance, might I have a moment of your time? Alone,” Ellonúr added without looking at Legolas, who hoped that no one would see him pale at that ominous demand. There was truly only one reason why Ellonúr might want to talk to Glorfindel without his presence, and that would be to talk about him...

Glorfindel hesitated and turned to Legolas, who took his hand and gently pressed it, pretending to be braver than he actually was. “I shall go ahead with Haldir, if he will not mind,” Legolas reassured his Lord.

“Oh, I do not mind at all.” Haldir's self-satisfied smile seemed somewhat threatening to Legolas, but so far, Haldir had not been too terrible... “I shall behave; after all, I still want my dance.”

Glorfindel sighed at Haldir's promise, yet brushed Legolas' lips with a quick kiss before he and Ellonúr took a few steps up the winding stair until they were lost in the darkness beyond the beckoning torchlight.

“Could this not have waited until tomorrow?” Glorfindel asked softly once they had reached the abandoned pavilion he and Legolas had found earlier. “What is it that you want to tell me? We really cannot in good conscience stay away from a celebration in our honor for much longer – nor do I want to!”

Ellonúr was quiet for a moment. “We used to be very close, Glorfindel. Fear not, I want but a short moment of your time. Certainly this conversation will be just as inopportune to you tomorrow.”

“What is it then?” Glorfindel asked without ceremony. “I do not want to leave Legolas with Haldir for too long.”

“That is just it – can you truly not see it? You worry about leaving him alone even for a moment... Why are you so quick about binding your fate to his? He is still little more than a child, after all.”

“He is no child. He has little experience and has not known very much of life, but that has never been a prerequisite for marriage.”

Ellonúr scoffed. “He might be no child, yet he is no adult either.”

“And so? My parents were half his age when they became betrothed. What is it you are really after, Ellonúr? I will tell you this: if he was old enough to abuse, and old enough to bear me a child, then certainly he is also old enough to honor – old enough to love .”

"Love... what does he know of love?" Ellonúr shook his head and held up a hand in response to the flash of anger on Glorfindel's face. "Peace; I do not seek to insult him. But if it is true what you said, that it was abuse... Then how can there be love now? I do not doubt your feelings for him, even though I cannot understand them. Yet I do not see how you can believe that he feels the same for you, if you truly hurt him in such a grievous way. Some things can never be forgiven, my friend... Never. And if Legolas says that he has forgiven you, then I fear that what he feels cannot possibly be true. You know what captivity does to a soul...

"I was a captive too. Do not forget that. I am infinitely more experienced than he, in all aspects of life, of war - and yet even I..." Ellonúr fell silent and slowly shook his head, before continuing more softly. "Sometimes I would be taken from my cell to spend an hour or more in Thranduil's presence. He was very courteous, most of the time. He wanted information, of course, but he also offered me wine, treated me as an equal, would even converse with me on poetry, of all things. I knew what was happening to me, and how, but in the end I thought myself in love with him, and hated myself for it, for I knew that it could not possibly be true. Your little prince has no one in this world save for you now, and if he had not made himself love you, certainly he would have died long since. I am not saying that he is lying, or actively betraying you, but I do think that whatever you believe he feels for you is not something that has grown naturally, but something that has been forced on him by the situation he found himself in.

"I know you for an honorable man, and I know that in the end, you will know this for the truth. And what will happen then? If you have wedded him, recklessly bound your soul to his for all time, then how shall you feel when he realizes what has happened to him, and comes to despise you for it? Or even if he never does; you certainly shall, and it will sour every moment you spend in his company. You know that I speak the truth; you must be able to see this for yourself!"

"It was abuse, yes!" Glorfindel admitted, unable to contain his anger any longer. "For long, long months, it was abuse, and he had no choice but to give in and surrender himself to me in the hope that I would be less cruel with him. I do not deny the truth of your words! But you are wrong if you believe that he has forgiven me. As you so rightly said, such a crime can never be forgiven, nor can it be forgotten. Yet at the same time, what choice have we now but to learn to live with it somehow? Not once has he pretended that he can forgive what I have done, even though I knelt before him in remorse. And he is right - paltry words will never be able to make up for even a tiny amount of the pain I have caused him. No, there is no other way but to live with the memory of my crime, and the hope that centuries of patient loving will heal the wounds that I have recklessly caused, to at last live with the scars that they will certainly leave behind in the end. And do not even dare to suggest that I should send him away to give him the freedom to decide for himself, without my influence. There is no such thing as freedom for him anymore; I bound him to myself as surely as a man who takes a small young animal from the forest and hand-feeds it until it is grown. It will never be able to return to the forest; he will always be responsible for its care. Such it is with Legolas. He is mine, in the truest sense of the word, and it will be my responsibility to protect him for a very long time. Maybe forever - but I find that I do not mind that, not at all."

Ellonúr made a soft sound. "You want to wed him out of pity, that much is obvious to me. Of course what you did was a crime - a terrible one, if what you say is true - and yet... You cannot make up for it by wedding him! Pity cannot turn to love, unless it be self-delusion, and if you wed him now out of pity you will hate him ere the end."

"Are you not listening to me?" Glorfindel was quickly reaching the end of his patience. "I will not wed him out of pity! I will wed him for love! Can you truly not believe that?"

"It is hard to believe, if I look at him, and then remember those who graced your bed before him... He has very little to offer you, save for his youth, his inexperience, his utter dependence on you - all of which are fleeting. And I know you for a noble man, Glorfindel. It is indeed hard for me to believe that you would be drawn to him for such unbecoming reasons... It is beneath you, my friend." Ellonúr's voice had gotten softer and more intense at the end, and he had raised a hand to grasp Glorfindel's shoulder.

"I love him, Ellonúr, truly and deeply." Glorfindel gently took Ellonúr's hand in his and pressed it, then let it go. "You are right, of course; to my shame I must indeed admit that a part of me cannot help but appreciate his innocence, the way he has given himself over to me so completely - but quite apart from that, I love him for who he is. His good qualities are many, though you cannot see them. You do not know him at all, Ellonúr, but I do. I know him better than anyone else in his life, better even than his own father ever knew him. In fact..." Glorfindel hesitated, then a reluctant, soft smile smoothed the hard lines of anger on his face. "In fact, he reminds me of one who has always been an ideal I strove after, though I was always aware that I lacked his patience, his compassion, his wisdom. He reminds me of Felagund, whom I knew very well in my youth."

Ellonúr's eyes widened, and he seemed to waver between curiosity and resentment, for Glorfindel had never told him much of his youth, least of all done so much as hint at a past relationship with famed Finrod.

"Finrod the Wise?" he exclaimed at last, disbelief on his face. "I cannot see any similarity whatsoever, though of course you will have known him much better than I, to whom he is merely a name out of songs. Yet again, I fear that you set yourself up for a great disappointment if you judge the youth against such a lofty ideal..."

"I do not. Already Legolas has shown greater compassion than you or I ever will." Glorfindel smiled at Ellonúr to take the sting out of his words. "In any case, do not let us argue, not on this eve, when I finally dare to believe that I have found happiness at last. You seek a proof that my love for him is true, and not merely base lust or possessiveness, or worse, pity? Then look at me, my friend. Look into my eyes, look true, and tell me what you see."

Ellonúr made a scornful sound, yet he did as he was bid, and after a moment, he paled and took a step back. "Impossible!" he breathed. "Impossible! How can this be? How could I not see this? Ai, you fool, do you know what you have done?"

Glorfindel laughed. "I have done nothing. My soul knows his, Ellonúr... I am his, and he is mine. I could know no greater joy!"

"I see him in your eyes..."

"As I see myself in his. Already our fëar are as one, and the oaths we shall take will be but a public acknowledgment of that. Do you still doubt my love for him?"

Ellonúr shook his head, looking pale and discomfited at this sudden turn. "I think that I do not know you at all, Glorfindel," he said softly. "I never harbored any pretensions when it came to your heart; we were friends, and I was well content with that. Yet since I have returned... You have changed. You have changed a great deal, and I no longer know who you are. Are you even still my friend? I fear not. I do not know this person you have become, and I do not like what I see. 'Tis not jealousy that I speak from; as I said, I was content with your friendship. I did not need your love. Yet to see you obsess about that youth to such a point that you would forget about everything and everyone else... I was in need of you, and you did not help me. Never before have I known you to disappoint a friend in need."

Glorfindel's mouth tightened at the bitterness in Ellonúr's voice. "I have changed, yes. Yet that is not because I took Legolas to my bed, nor because I opened my heart to him at last. I am a father, Ellonúr," he said simply. "I have become a father since last you saw me; of course I have changed! Long have I desired children of my own, yet the reality of it is even more... overwhelming than I expected. I think of Gîl all the time. He is my greatest joy, his well-being my greatest duty - can you not see that it must be so, that he must be the most important thing in my life from now on? I have changed even as Elrond changed when the twins were born. I cannot be your friend the way I was before, because I have to think of Gîl now - but I would still wish to be your friend. And I would have liked to have helped you, but what you wanted of me was not mine to give anymore. My heart and my love belong to Legolas, and to Gîl..."

"I did not want your heart," Ellonúr interjected. "I wanted but your whip, for even now I think of accursed Thranduil. Legolas is welcome to your heart and he may keep it, if he so desires, but if you truly cherished my friendship, you would not have denied me, not when you knew I needed you!"

"I cannot!" Glorfindel said helplessly. "I do cherish you, I swear that is true, but this one thing I cannot give you anymore."

Ellonúr laughed bitterly. "It matters not. Haldir is more than willing, after all. And yet, it was you that I thought of in my cell when my traitorous heart began to yearn for Thranduil... Proud, noble Glorfindel who would never betray his people - so how could I? Only that, when I returned after my long imprisonment, there you stood before me with your pretty, new plaything and your son, too caught up in your own happiness to care about a former friend's pain."

"Forgive me," Glorfindel said and shook his head, feeling lost and helpless at this despair which he knew he could not heal.

“Some things can never be forgiven,” Ellonúr repeated tonelessly; then he turned and walked away while Glorfindel watched, feeling utterly defeated for the first time in a very long time.