Pen-Estel

Two weeks without Glorfindel had at first seemed an unbearably long time to Legolas, but it had passed so quickly due to the pleasure and joy he had soon found in Elrond’s company, that he was almost surprised to find himself back in their rooms now. Already Gîlríon was so peacefully asleep in his cradle that Legolas thought that he must certainly be pleased to be back in the surroundings he was used to.

Legolas was pleased to be back too, and felt excitement when he thought of being reunited with his Lord, whom he had truly missed – yet all that was overshadowed by guilt, and the terrible fear of Glorfindel’s reaction. Would Glorfindel take Gîl away from him? Legolas felt weak at the thought. He would die then, he was certain of that.

Maybe it would just be the whip – he would gladly bear any kind of pain, as long as he would not be sent away. But then, Elrond had promised him that he would not allow that, even if he would do nothing else for him...

Legolas sighed as he thought back at the time spent with the Lord of Imladris. He was no longer afraid of him... and once he had given in, he had never felt anything but pleasure. And the warmth in his eyes when Elrond looked at him, the frequent caresses, the endearments – as much as he hated himself for feeling that way, he knew that he would miss it, just as much as he had missed Glorfindel’s effortless mastery over him, his wicked humour, even his streak of cruelty, while he was with Elrond.

He watched from a lonely window wishing that Glorfindel would hurry, so that he would at last know what his fate was to be. He wondered whether to wait up here, and then discounted it as being suspicious. He should be waiting at the door. Picking Gîl up in his arms, he wandered downstairs and made his way to the front hall to wait.

Time passed, and many elves walked by him, not sparing him so much as a second glance. It suited him to be ignored, he didn’t really care, but it hurt for Gîlríon to be passed over in such a way. Legolas sighed, wondering if he had endangered more than his own future by giving in to the Lord of Imladris – what if he had put Gîl in a bad position too? But surely Glorfindel could not blame Gîl… could he?

He had slouched a little in his chair as if the weight of his thoughts were too much, but he straightened up again and brushed down his clothes when the first whispers came from those arriving that the Seneschal was on his way. It was only then that Legolas noticed that Elrond was also waiting. He jumped nervously, and stared right back at Elrond, wondering if he had come to tell Glorfindel about what had happened. He stood up with Gîl, and walked over to the Lord uncertainly, thinking that he would plead for his silence perhaps.

“What are you doing? Stay away from me!” Elrond hissed urgently, and Legolas stopped uncertainly in the middle of the hall as people came and went around him, not sure now what to do. Would Elrond keep it secret then? He looked away from the Lord, and turned to go back to his lonely seat on the sidelines, away from the bustle and the throng that was gathering to welcome the soldiers home, feeling scared and alone.

There was the sound of hooves now outside – the guards must have reached the courtyard. There was cheering to be heard, and shouts from the soldiers to their waiting families and friends. Once again, Legolas felt that he was no part of this, like he had never been a part of normal life in Mirkwood.

He stood slowly when finally, the throng waiting around the door parted, and Glorfindel – dusty and tired but still smiling – came through, giving Elrond a short bow before he clasped his shoulder.

Now Legolas stood, still hesitant – dare he approach Glorfindel now, when Elrond had told him to stay away from him? But certainly Glorfindel would be looking for Gîl...

But the decision was taken from him when Glorfindel turned and, when he found him, strode towards him with a brilliant smile.

“Ah, I have missed you, roch neth!” he said quietly into Legolas’ ear, and then kissed him hungrily. Legolas felt so overwhelmed, and his lips parted in surprise, which Glorfindel took advantage of. It was so wonderfully familiar and he wanted to sob in relief, but there wasn’t the opportunity. Even if he had wanted to give something back to Glorfindel, his Lord was so utterly demanding it was as though he didn’t have the time or room to respond as he had learned to do with Elrond.

But there was another difference. As Glorfindel held him close, running his hands over Legolas proprietarily, he became aware of how public all this was, and he could feel people looking at him at last. But it was unwanted attention. It occurred to him that one of the things he had grown used to in Glorfindel’s absence was privacy, but there was none of that now.

“Please, my Lord,” he began, when Glorfindel allowed him to breathe again. He intended to say something about being used so in public, but then realised he didn’t have the words. And even if he did – was it his place to say them? When he didn’t speak, Glorfindel chuckled in response.

“Begging already?” There was a muffled giggle from somewhere behind him, and Legolas closed his eyes in newly rediscovered embarrassment, wishing himself a thousand miles away… or maybe just a few feet away. “Why?” Glorfindel said then, a little more threateningly. “What have you done?”

Legolas opened his eyes in alarm, unable to avoid his glance flipping briefly towards Elrond. “N-nothing, my Lord!” he managed to stammer, hearing that same hated giggle behind him as he realised that Glorfindel, too, was amused at his reaction. Am I so easy? he wondered unhappily. But if he was there was nothing he could do about it.

“So Elrond knows, does he? I will have to ask him in a while, roch neth,” Glorfindel said in amusement, not having missed Legolas’ guilty look. And his words were as much for Legolas’ benefit as for that of their onlookers. It was horrible. But Legolas knew that Glorfindel hadn’t changed towards him – it was he who had changed. He tried to get a little of his old self back, and cast his eyes down submissively.

“Yes, my Lord,” he said quietly, and that seemed to be enough, for Glorfindel took Gîl from his arms to cuddle and kiss him, and Legolas remained waiting, trying not to look in Elrond’s direction from under his eyelashes.

“Let us go to our rooms... I need a bath before I can give a more detailed report,” Glorfindel then said and stretched with a groan. “Two weeks sleeping on the hard ground, without a sweet, soft body to keep me warm – I have to make up for all that lost time now!”

Legolas blushed when there was more giggling, but he kept his eyes to the floor this time. Unhappily he wondered if Glorfindel truly did not know that others overheard their conversation, or if he actually enjoyed all of those tiny little humiliations that marked Legolas’ day-to-day life in Imladris?

Or maybe Glorfindel just did not care, Legolas decided with a sigh as he turned to follow his Lord, who was still looking delightedly at a cooing Gîlríon. Before Legolas went through the door, he once again raised his head to look at Elrond, desperately searching for even a small sign of reassurance – but Elrond was talking to Glorfindel’s Second now, and did nothing to acknowledge Legolas’ presence.

And once they were back in their rooms, it was surprisingly easy to fall back into his old role – Glorfindel exuded such a natural, arrogant dominance that Legolas found himself taking off his Lord’s coat and pouring him a glass of his favourite wine to then sit down on the ground at his feet without having to think about it.

Glorfindel sipped at the wine and sighed. Tired from all the excitement, Gîlríon had fallen asleep again, and after kissing him one last time, Glorfindel went to tenderly lay him down in his cradle.

When he returned, he gestured for Legolas to rise, yet he sat down on the chair once more to drink his wine and look Legolas up and down with a small smile.

“Strip,” he finally ordered, and when Legolas hastily obeyed, his smile widened. “Very good – now turn.”

Flushed with embarrassment, Legolas again did as he was told, and Glorfindel groaned softly. “Ai, Elbereth – you would even tempt one of the Valar! Going without the relief your soft mouth and sweet body can bring was pure agony! Every night I would dream of having you beneath me, of making you mine and forcing all those sweet little sounds from your mouth... Did you dream of that as well, roch neth? Did you touch yourself at night, trembling with desire and yearning to be filled by me?”

Now, despite all of his strange, new reactions, Legolas felt himself responding to Glorfindel’s words. It was almost as if Glorfindel needed him, and he clung to that in his mind. He wondered how to answer the question, though, knowing that he hadn’t been alone at night as Glorfindel had, and he remembered telling Elrond how he missed Glorfindel. Tears filled his eyes, and he knew he could lie – but he wouldn’t.

He turned around to face Glorfindel. “My Lord,” he began tearfully, and suddenly, too quickly for him to see it happening, he found himself held in strong arms.

“Ah, do not cry, roch neth! I was only teasing you, I didn’t mean to upset you like this.” Glorfindel pulled him over so that they were both resting on the side of the bed and held him close, almost rocking him. “You really missed me, hmm?” That only made Legolas feel worse, and he began to cry in earnest, unable to speak.

“I’m sorry!” he managed at last, and the comforting motions of Glorfindel’s body stopped so suddenly that Legolas felt his heart leap in fear. Pulling back, Glorfindel looked deeply into his eyes.

“What has happened?” he growled, and it scared Legolas so much that he couldn’t speak even if he wanted to – even if he knew what to say. Now he was back in familiar territory, and however afraid he had been of Glorfindel’s reaction to the truth, he knew he hadn’t been scared enough. Instead of answering, he whimpered and attempted to bury himself in Glorfindel’s arms again.

That at least seemed to cool Glorfindel’s sudden anger, and his voice became gentler again. “Has someone hurt you, pen neth?” he asked then in concern. Not yet. He couldn’t stop the thought, and it wasn’t until a few seconds later that he realised what he meant by it.

“Come!” Glorfindel said suddenly, standing up and pulling Legolas with him. “And dress! If you cannot answer me then we shall find out together.” Shaking, Legolas obeyed without really thinking about it, but then when Glorfindel took hold of his arm to lead him from the room, he almost resisted. Elrond! Glorfindel was taking him to see Elrond!

Legolas whimpered when he thought about what would happen. There would be no lies, Elrond had said – he would tell Glorfindel the truth then! And then it would all be over... He would not even get to spend one last night in Glorfindel’s arms!

He sobbed at the thought, and although the look Glorfindel gave him was concerned, he did not pause. All too soon Legolas found himself in a familiar place – Elrond’s spacious suite of rooms. He shivered as the memories assailed him. Here they had sat one night when Elrond had read to him – there they had once ended up naked, tumbling to the floor when Elrond had chased him out of the bath. On that settee Elrond had taken him one evening, so slowly and gently, making it last for what seemed like hours while the room was lightened only by a multitude of candles, and they had watched the moon on its journey across the night sky while they slowly moved against each other.

“Stay here, I will go and search for Elrond,” Glorfindel commanded, and while his voice was not angry, Legolas still trembled. He did not dare to sit, not here, where every piece of furniture held a memory of his betrayal, and so he remained standing while the guilt he felt only grew with every passing moment.

“Why so soon?” he moaned softly. He did not want to lie – he knew that for this, finally, he would deserve the most cruel punishment Glorfindel could think of – but why had it taken Glorfindel but a few moments to see that something was wrong? Was it truly so easy to see what he was? Whore... He shivered as he remembered his father’s verdict, and tears filled his eyes as he realised that finally, his father’s words had come true.

He was saved from any further deliberations on his past, present or future when Glorfindel returned to the room with Elrond following close behind. He began to shake, and couldn’t stop it. He gazed at Elrond, begging silently for the Lord not to reveal his betrayal, but Elrond’s face was impassive, as though they had never spoken more than a few words to each other.

He looked to Glorfindel then; aware that his Lord had not missed the entreating look he had thrown Elrond’s way. Sighing, Glorfindel turned to the Lord of Imladris.

“Tell me what has happened in my absence. I can get nothing out of him except for apologies and tears,” Glorfindel said, and Elrond only looked back at Glorfindel steadily, something in his eyes that Legolas didn’t understand – but it seemed Glorfindel did.

He froze as if in shock, and then half-smiled and shook his head. But there was no humour in his smile, and when Elrond did not drop his gaze, Glorfindel uttered a short mirthless laugh. He looked at Legolas, trembling before him, and shook his head again.

“Say no,” he said deeply, sounding more threatening than ever before, and Legolas looked away immediately. He couldn’t say it! He could feel tears sliding down his face again, and instead of looking back at Glorfindel, Legolas made the worst mistake of his life – he looked at Elrond. Glorfindel turned back to the Lord.

“Say no!” he demanded, but still Elrond gazed at him steadily, as if in challenge. Glorfindel ran a hand through his hair, and the tension in the room was so palpable that Legolas feared his punishment would come now. Glorfindel finally laughed again, and with his next words Legolas realised there would be no punishment. If there had, he would have been thankful for it.

Raising his face, Glorfindel seemed to have forgotten what was happening, because his usual easy arrogance was back. “What do you think of him, then?” he asked Elrond dismissively. There was something in his eyes though, something fiery, and when Elrond answered him it burned even brighter.

“He’s good… really very nice.” Legolas watched the two Lords facing each other, and understood that they were backing off. And then he realised what they were talking about, and he made a choked sound of shock. Immediately Glorfindel turned to look at him, and Legolas cried out at the hatred he saw in his Lord’s eyes. He shook his head as if in denial, but he couldn’t deny what had happened. And it was all his fault! He had wanted it!

“He should be. I was the one to break him in, after all,” Glorfindel said, shrugging off Elrond’s compliment. “But it was not much work; you’d think he’d been brought up a pleasure slave by the way he submitted so eagerly. Still, I did not think you would enjoy one who was broken so well, otherwise, I would have offered far earlier.”

Legolas froze at those words. He looked at Glorfindel, pleading with his eyes for his Lord to take back what he had said, but Glorfindel refused to look at him now, as if it were beneath him to give his attention to somebody like Legolas. And when Legolas looked helplessly to Elrond, he was ignored there as well.

He wanted to plead, to fall to his knees… anything to make them stop, but he had known all along that there would be no help from Elrond. And what was there left to do now but stand here, meekly waiting in another materialisation of the submissiveness they so prized, and listen to their cruel words?

“He is beautiful, and very sweet in bed,” Elrond said simply, as if that had been reason enough. Legolas supposed it was... Frightened, easy to exploit, and submissive, he remembered that awful description all too well, and he thought he should be grateful that, at least for now, Elrond had not told Glorfindel the entire truth – that he had enjoyed it to be touched by Elrond, even that very first time!

“And I get lonely – you know how it is.” Elrond shrugged now, and Legolas gasped again at being reduced to nothing but a convenient diversion for the Lord. He had resigned himself to the truth, that it was not love... but had Elrond not admitted to affection at least? Where was that affection now? There was not the slightest trace of warmth in Elrond’s voice, and Legolas began to cry once more when he realised that now, there truly was not a single person left in Imladris who cared about him.

He stood staring at the floor in misery, not even listening now as they carried on debating his talents and uses. But soon Glorfindel stood before him, and Legolas raised his eyes fearfully, swallowing and wondering what the Lord wanted of him now.

“On your knees,” he ordered, and Legolas did exactly as he was told, ready to beg if that was what Glorfindel wanted of him.

“Please,” he said softly, and Glorfindel sniggered.

“See? He pleads so very easily it was not much trouble to teach him to please at all.” He lifted Legolas’ chin with one finger, and studied his face, watching the tears fall as if fascinated. Elrond spoke again, but Legolas wasn’t listening, and Glorfindel looked away to answer him.

“Oh, that won’t be necessary. I do long for peace and quiet when I return, as you know. And this one begs in his sleep sometimes. It can be quite annoying.” Legolas paled at that, and looked down as soon as Glorfindel released him. But he also understood that he wouldn’t be returning to their rooms, and a thought struck him instantly.

“Gîl!” he said out loud, before he could help himself. Glorfindel looked back to him then, and out of the sight of Elrond – he smirked.

“Our son can stay with me,” he spoke as if to Legolas, but he addressed Elrond still. “Legolas may come and nurse him, and keep him company in the day, as long as he does not invade my privacy.” With that he turned and walked from the room, leaving Legolas kneeling on the floor.

He began to sob then, because not only had he lost Glorfindel – he had also lost Gîl. Furthermore, he did not know now what Elrond would do with him. He had said that he would not send him away, but then he had said many things, and hadn’t they turned out to be lies?

He sat back on his heels in defeat, covering his face. Where was he to go? And if he found a place, how could he rest without Gîl near him? So lost in his misery, he didn’t immediately register someone kneeling before him, but then Elrond embraced him tenderly, with sympathy, and Legolas cried even more.

“Shh,” Elrond soothed gently, pulling Legolas to rest against his chest. “You will stay here with me for now, pen neth.” Legolas took the comfort that was offered him because he needed it, but he wished that he had somewhere else to go. He didn’t care about himself, but he cared that Gîl would miss him, and he sobbed breathily at the thought of his child waking up in the night… alone… and that was when he felt it.

The tears stopped, and he moaned into Elrond’s shoulder as if he was in pain. “No…” But the feeling didn’t go away, and Elrond pushed him back to look at him.

“What is it?” he asked in concern, and Legolas didn’t answer, but pulled at one of Elrond’s hands so that it rested on his flat belly. The Lord didn’t say anything more, but pulled Legolas to his feet and led him into the bedroom. Legolas undressed automatically at Elrond’s insistence, feeling less than nothing, but Elrond only seemed to want him to rest. Legolas turned away from the Lord as he sat on the side of the bed, feeling mistrustful of Elrond now. Hadn’t he helped Glorfindel to hurt him? Why?

He flinched when Elrond’s fingers again came to rest on his belly, but did not react otherwise. Elrond did not speak, and Legolas was glad. He did not want to talk right now... he wanted to be left alone. He wanted to sleep – no, more than that, he wanted to be gone from here. He could not do this again!

“I do not want this!” he gasped, hands clenched to fists as he kept staring straight at the wall, refusing to even acknowledge Elrond’s presence. “Have you not played enough with me, Valar? I do not want this! I will not go through this again, not with him hating me already! I do not want another child to grow up like this, despised by those around it... A bastard, gotten on a whore who can’t even say who the father is!”

“Enough!”

Elrond did not slap him, but the quiet fury in his voice had the same effect. Legolas had instantly fallen silent, and now turned to look at Elrond from wide, frightened eyes.

“You will not talk like this – I do not allow it, do you hear me? That child will have the same love that has been given to Gîl, I will make sure of it. And you will not call yourself a whore. This is not the time for self-pity, Legolas. You may sleep if you are exhausted, you may cry if you need to, you may even talk with me if you want – but you will not talk about yourself and the child in such a way.”

“But it is the truth!” Legolas said, and now he began to weep after all, as if he had waited for Elrond’s permission. “It is the truth, and you know that it is what they will say! It is what he will say!”

“And what do you say?” Elrond asked, more quietly, as if the thoughts of others were of no consequence, still resting the palm of his hand over Legolas’ belly. Legolas remembered all the long months of pregnancy, and all the humiliation. He remembered what he could of the birth. Such pain! And although he loved Gîlríon with all his heart, he wondered if he would survive such a thing for the second time.

“I don’t want this,” he moaned in despair, meeting Elrond’s gaze and shaking his head. “I can’t do it… not again!”

Elrond hushed him gently, and then looked down at his hand. “And what do I say?” he mused out loud, as if in wonderment. Then he looked at Legolas again, and his eyes shone with tears of joy and pleasure. “You realise that it is most likely mine?”

And then Legolas found that he could forget himself for a moment, because he had simply never seen Elrond like this. The Lord smiled at him, and Legolas giggled, because Elrond was really happy. Not content, or pleased, or satisfied - but truly happy! Legolas remembered all the hurtful things he had just said in anger, and he sighed. There might be danger in this new pregnancy for him, but he was quickly finding that there was no limit to the amount of guilt a person could endure.

“I am sorry,” he whispered, holding Elrond’s hand to him as he had earlier. “I didn’t think of what it meant…” And then his words were cut off when Elrond kissed him. It wasn’t a sexual kiss, it was chaste and affectionate, and when it was over, Elrond spoke again.

“I know your thoughts. I know you are afraid. But there is no need. You are older this time, and you are with me from the beginning. I won’t let any harm come to you, Legolas. I won’t let harm come to either of you.”

“It was… I was miserable, the last time,“ Legolas said sadly. “I am sorry, I am not looking forward to it. But – for you, I will try, and I promise I will not talk like that again.” He sighed deeply, and when he gently pulled on Elrond’s hand, the Lord followed and curled up behind him on the bed, one arm still curved protectively around Legolas’ belly. Legolas could not help but smile at the sensation. To know that Elrond was so joyful, that was something he had not anticipated, but it made him feel warm all over again to think of the happiness in the Lord’s eyes.

“It will not be as bad this time, I am certain of it,” Elrond said and punctuated his words with tender kisses to Legolas’ neck. “When you came to Imladris, you were exhausted and half-starved – and you were grieving, Legolas, I could see that your fëa was suffering. I know that this situation is not easy for you, but at least you are no longer suffering from grief. I still do not know much about pregnancies in a male, yet I am certain that most of the troublesome symptoms – the frequent bouts of sickness, your loss of appetite – were connected to the grief of being exiled by your father. I can at least promise you that it will be better this time. And you are healthy now; you will not feel quite as exhausted and weak.”

Legolas sighed again. “I do not know if that is really true, my Lord, but I very much want to believe you. It was no pleasant experience at all to be sick all the time, and the teas you gave me were not all that delicious either.” He wrinkled his nose as he thought of one particularly vile concoction, which Glorfindel had to force him to drink.

“But – when the months pass and the child grows inside me – what will you say then, if you let me stay with you? They will talk, and... and will Elladan not ask questions?” Legolas closed his eyes, the warmth Elrond’s joy had brought him vanishing again. “I am sorry, I did not want to make it so complicated for you.”

He felt Elrond pull him closer, and the warmth was back suddenly. “Do not worry yourself, pen neth. I will deal with Elladan,” he said, and there was a note of sadness in his tone now. “And do not fret about others, and what they may say. I will deal with them too. You must tell me at once if anyone treats you badly, Legolas,” his voice becoming stern. “And I include Glorfindel in that. I will not have others make you unnecessarily weary with their spite and malice.”

Legolas sobbed in silence as he listened to Elrond talk. It was all such a mess! Whatever the Lord said, he knew he would not be able to help worrying. And if Glorfindel… Legolas didn’t know what he would do then. It seemed there was less and less hope for him the longer this day went on - and it was still early evening. Although he was exhausted he knew that he would have to venture out in a little while, to see Gîl. Not only because he wanted to, but because Gîl would need him – he would be hungry.

He nodded listlessly when the speech was over, wishing for just a little bit of peace. “Yes, my Lord,” he said tiredly, and then tried to rise from the bed. Elrond held him down, and he sighed.

“Please, I have to get ready to go to Gîlríon,” he begged, stretching a little as if to test the hold Elrond had on him. He closed his eyes in defeat as Elrond kissed him, and he didn’t have enough left to respond the way the Lord liked, but it didn’t seem to matter to Elrond now.

“No, you don’t,” he said softly, against Legolas’ lips. “Not yet...”

“But I am weary – and the sooner I leave, the sooner I will be back in your bed,” Legolas argued. If he let Elrond keep him here now, he knew what would inevitably happen – and then he would truly be too exhausted to get up and go to Gîl. And he had to see Gîl, even if it would be only to nurse him before Glorfindel would force him to leave again. “I promise, my Lord, if you let me leave now I will hurry back and do my best to please you then!”

Elrond smiled gently, his fingers already finding their way beneath Legolas’ robe. “I will not keep you long, Legolas,” he purred. “And I promise I will not exhaust you... just be still, and I will do all the work.”

Legolas weakly shook his head, but already he was moaning at the sensation of Elrond’s fingers travelling up his thighs, grasping his shaft ever so gently to coax more sounds of pleasure from him.

“Then have me,” he relented, trying not to sound too eager now although the caressing touch had already kindled the desire in him. “Just do not make me wait... Do not tease me like this, my Lord! Gîl will be hungry, I truly do not have much time!”

Elrond chuckled but obeyed, quickly sliding into him after a quick application of oil, and then they both were moaning, moving together, and Legolas hungrily, gratefully kissed Elrond when he realised that the Lord’s hand was still on his belly.

By the time Legolas left Elrond’s rooms, he was barely awake, the events of the day taking their toll as well as Elrond’s more recent demands on him. But he was awake enough to be afraid as he approached Glorfindel’s rooms. And he realised that this was not home anymore – to him. It made him sob as he clung to the wall of the corridor, and he wondered if he had the strength to confront Glorfindel if he was in there.

But then he heard Gîl through the door that was slightly ajar, and he couldn’t ignore his child. He took a deep breath, and walked inside.