The Beverly Hillbillies Go To Middle Earth

The Beverly Hillbillies go to Middle Earth
By Sinda

Chapter 6 – Lady Galadriel Helps

“You sure look like you’re in a good mood, Jethro,” Jed told his nephew. “You’ve been smiling since we left Minas Tirith.

“Well, Uncle Jed, I just can’t wait to see my new girl again!” he said, dreamily.

“About that elf girl, Jethro…” Jed started.

“Yes, Uncle Jed?” Jethro started. Suddenly they were surrounded by very sharp arrows.

“The dwarf breathes so loud…” a smooth voice began. “Where is the dwarf? Oh, by the Valar, it cannot be you again!” Haldir’s eyes were almost bulging from his head. “I thought I told you that it would be wise…”

Miss Hathaway stepped forward, “Excuse me, Marchwarden,” she stated nervously. “I know that you are probably not very happy to see us, but we were hoping that the Lady Galadriel could assist us in some way.”

Jethro had already jumped down from the wagon and run over to Haldir.

“Why, Miss Haldir, I thought you’d be happy to see me!” he said, a little discouraged.

Haldir heard the snickers coming from his brothers and he gave them both a cold stare.

“Personally, I would prefer to see the dwarf,” Haldir told Jethro, sneering.

“The dwarf?” Jethro said, shocked. “You don’t mean to tell me…you and the dwarf…”

Haldir turned towards Rúmil, “If you laugh, I will shoot you myself.”

“And who are these pretty ladies?” Jethro said, eying Rúmil and Orophin. The surprised looks on their faces finally caused Haldir’s lip to curl up, just a bit. Seeing this, Rúmil answered immediately, raising his voice to a falsetto.

“We are…her sisters,” the elf answered. Haldir looked up to the heavens, shaking his head before opening his mouth to speak.

“Unfortunately, Lady Galadriel has agreed to allow you an audience with her, so I suppose we will be graced with your presence for a while,” the Marchwarden’s voice dripped with sarcasm.

“So you already knew we were coming?” Jed asked, surprised.

“No, I asked her, just now,” Haldir explained.

“Oh, so you’ve got yourself one of those newfangled telly phones, too, huh?” Granny asked.

Jed laughed. “It took us a few days to figure out how you could talk on one of those things.”

Haldir just stared. “I spoke to her with my mind.”

“Oh, well, I suppose that’s easier,” Jed agreed.

“Can I walk with you, sweetie?” Jethro asked, trying to grab Haldir’s arm. The Marchwarden’s hand shot out and caught the man in a death grip by the throat.

“Do not touch me,” the elf said, finally letting go.

Grabbing his bruised neck, Jethro turned towards his Uncle Jed. “Told you she’d be good at mud wrestling!”

Jed just nodded, not understanding what his nephew saw in such a masculine looking female.

A smirk finally crossed Haldir’s face.

“You must be blindfolded to walk through the Golden Wood. It is my one stipulation,” he said firmly.

“All of us?” Miss Hathaway asked, wondering how she would make her way in her heels.

“No, just the stup…just Jethro,” Haldir said. “It is a test; a test of his courage.”

The others were allowed to walk ahead, following a sentry, while Haldir and his brothers stayed back with Jethro.

“There is a tree straight ahead,” Haldir told him, shushing his brothers. “You will need to veer to the right.”

Whack! Jethro smacked straight into the tree.

“I meant left,” Haldir said, covering his mouth to keep from laughing.

A few minutes later he did it again. This time, Rúmil and Orophin also had to cover their mouths to remain silent. Jethro smiled and stood, rubbing the sore spot on his head.

All three of the brothers saw the root across the path and they stood and watched as Jethro caught it with his foot and did a face plant. Haldir was laughing so hard that he had tears running down his eyes. It was getting difficult to remain silent.

“Root! Be careful!” Orophin yelled out.

“Uh, yeah, I noticed that,” Jethro said. Boy, what kind of dummy did they take him for?

“Now, Jethro,” Haldir said, pausing a moment to get a grip on himself. “The next mile or so is a nice flat path...”

Happily, Jethro walked forward, only to splash face-first into waist high water.

“…once you cross the stream right in front of you.”

Rúmil slapped Orophin on the back, clutching to his brother’s arm as fits of laughter threatened to erupt.

The next mile was fairly boring, so Haldir finally told Jethro that there was a very big tree on the right and he would have to go left. He ended up going well out of his way to smack face first into the giant Mallorn tree, but it was worth it to the Lórien brothers. Rúmil and Orophin were both doubled over in laughter now, while Haldir simply shook his head. You would think by now that the idiot would at least put a hand out in front of him. Each time he smacked into the tree, he actually looked surprised.

“I mean right,” Haldir supplied.

“Uh, Miss Haldir?” Jethro asked.

“Yes?”

“My ma always told me that if I couldn’t tell my right from my left, I should just remember I write with my right hand,” he suggested.

“Oh, well, I am left handed so that will not work,” Haldir said.

“Well, maybe your sisters…”

“They are left-handed as well,” he finished.

By the time they got to Caras Galadhon, Jethro was black and blue. Granny took one look at him and flung herself at Haldir.

“What did you do to my grandson, you witch?” she asked, pulling at his hair.

“Get this thing off of me!” Haldir yelled. Jed hurried over and pried Granny away, kicking and screaming.

“Now, Jethro, did these gals do something to you?” Jed asked.

“Of course not, Uncle Jed. They just don’t know their right from their left all that well,” he explained.

Jed raised an eyebrow, not sure what that was supposed to mean. “Can he take the blindfold off now that we’re here?”

Haldir eyed the massive trunk of the Mallorn tree right in front of them wistfully, but decided that it would not be wise with an audience. Reluctantly, he pulled the blindfold off of Jethro.

They climbed many stairs to the top of the great tree and found themselves on a large platform. When they reached the top, Haldir allowed the others to go on, keeping Jethro on the top step for a moment. Leaning over, the Marchwarden dropped a rock all the way to the ground.

“Oops. I dropped my magic rock,” he said.

“Oh, I’ll go get it, Miss Haldir!” Jethro said, running back down the many steps.

Haldir and his brothers watched as the man ran all the way back up, out of breath.

“Here you go, Miss Haldir,” Jethro said, smiling.

“No, that is not the right rock. Mine was magic. This is an ordinary rock,” Haldir said.

“Well, all right, I’ll see if I can find it,” Jethro said, heading back down the stairs.

Twenty minutes later, a sentry stuck his head out and said, “Lady Galadriel said to get yourselves in here, now.”

Haldir sighed and rolled his eyes. Jethro was just dragging himself up the stairs for the fifteenth time. Haldir and his brothers had made a bet on how many times he’d actually do it.

“I won, I was the closest,” Orophin stated.

“No, it did not count because we were interrupted,” Haldir told him.

“Did so,” Orophin said.

“Did not,” Haldir replied. They started slapping at each other, but Rúmil got between them and pushed them apart.

“We need to get inside or you-know-who is going to have us scrubbing her floor again,” he reminded them.

Walking in, they waited only seconds for the Lord and Lady to begin their descent down their stairs. Haldir rolled his eyes. They couldn’t start the show without the full audience assembled.

If Jethro had thought that the other elf girls were beautiful, the one he was now staring at made him forget all of the others, including Miss Haldir. He stared in awe at the long blond hair and shimmering gown.

“Who are you?” he finally got up the nerve to ask.

“I am Lord Celeborn,” the elf told him.

Jethro thought that was kind of a strange name for a girl, but then, so were Legolas and Haldir. Oh wait, it turned out that Legolas had only been pretending to be a girl, so that didn’t count.

“Haldir, one of our guests seems a bit…battered,” Lady Galadriel said. “Did you, perhaps, pull your blindfold stunt on him?”

Haldir shrugged. There was no point in denying it. She knew everything he did. He couldn’t even take a crap in the woods without wondering if she was watching.

“I heard that,” she said, watching him from the corner of her eye.

Stepping towards the group, she walked among them, unnerving them by talking to them with her mind. She loved doing that, it was such a power trip. She tried it with Jethro, but the thoughts simply bounced back.

“You wish to return to your home,” she told them in her rich voice.

“Well, yes.”

“Yep.”

“Home would be good.”

They all seemed to answer at once.

Galadriel concentrated on Jethro, wondering how this man could possibly shield his thoughts from her. She gave it her full power and finally began to pull a thought out.

“But you…you do not wish to go home…you wish…” she turned and looked at Celeborn with a raised eyebrow, then back at Jethro. “Anyway…the others wish to find their way home. The answer is often a puzzle that only the faint of heart cannot contemplate.”

Jed looked at Miss Hathaway who shrugged. She didn’t know what it meant either.

Lady Galadriel had to fight to keep the smile off her face. She loved making up these completely ridiculous bits of wisdom that didn’t really mean anything. Occasionally, someone would actually come up with a reasonable explanation for what she was saying. When that happened, she just nodded wisely.

“To look into the mirror is to see the future and the past and often the present,” she continued.

“Well, can’t you just see the present by looking around?” Jed asked. “Why do you need a mirror?”

Galadriel started to turn blue and electric.

“Do NOT make her mad!” Haldir whispered. “It does something to the air and my hair will be standing on end for days!”

“So about this mirror,” Miss Hathaway began.

“Yes, the mirror,” Galadriel said, calming down. She took them down and brought a pitcher of water over, only to find it already filled with water…and birds.

“Halidr!” she yelled. “Somebody has been using my mirror as a bird bath again!”

“Rúmil!” Haldir muttered, under his breath, looking around for his brother. Rúmil excused himself about that time to go do something, taking off at a run.

“Please clean out the bird droppings,” she asked the Marchwarden. Haldir did so, cursing his brother the whole time as the lady stood with her arms crossed, tapping her foot. When it was done, she poured water into the “mirror” and had each of them look into it.

“What do you see?” she asked Jed.

“Well now,” he said, scratching his head. “That looks like Mrs. Drysdale in our backyard, picking Granny’s tomatoes.”

“What?” Granny asked, running forward. “Why that…”

“Now, Granny,” Mr. Drysdale chuckled sheepishly knowing that it was probably true. “You know that my wife would never…”

“That’s where all my prize winning tomaters have been disappearing to!” she smacked him with the frying pan.

“Let us try somebody else,” Galadriel said, hoping to settle them down.

Elly May stepped up and looked into the mirror, “Why that’s Mr. Éomer and me with a bunch of young ‘uns!”

Éomer quickly stepped up, “Uh, exactly how many?”

Elly started counting, but when she got to six the picture disappeared. Éomer turned pale.

When it was Miss Hathaway’s turn, she saw Gandalf in the mirror. “Oh, my!” she said leaning closer.

Soon her eyes widened and she began to blush. “Oh, my!” she repeated. “You are a big boy aren’t you?”

Galadriel’s head swiveled at that and she looked over Miss Hathaway’s shoulder. Her eyes widened, too. Both of them leaned closer for a better look until the image disappeared, startling them.

Miss Hathaway was a giddy as a schoolgirl after that and anxious to see Gandalf again. Suddenly, thoughts of returning home were far from her mind.

Mr. Drysdale stepped up to the mirror now and was also rewarded with a picture of his wife picking Granny’s tomatoes. “No, not that one, pick the ripe…” he looked at Granny and chuckled, embarrassed. “I mean, get out of Granny’s garden!”

When Jethro stepped up to the mirror, he looked into it and began to smile. Galadriel peeked to see what his future held and did a double take when she saw the Mickey Mouse cartoon. Jethro laughed as he watched the cartoon and had to be physically pulled away from the mirror.

“Aw, Uncle Jed, that’s one of my favorites!” he insisted.

“You can watch the birdbath later,” Uncle Jed told him. “We have to find out how to get home.”

“It is not a birdbath,” Galadriel told him, electricity starting to build up.

“Oh, great,” said Haldir, feeling his hair start to stand up.

Galadriel looked at the birds that were now splashing around in the mirror and glared at Haldir, who rolled his eyes. Apparently, this was his fault, too. It was wonderful being the whipping boy of the Golden Wood. ‘I heard that!’ said a familiar voice in his head. When he got his hands on Rúmil, his brother would be cleaning bird poop for a month.

~~~

“And so you see, Gandalf,” Miss Hathaway said, running a finger down his arm. “We have decided to stay. Elly May is happy here with Éomer and Jed wants to stay with them. Granny likes it better here without all the modern gadgets and Jethro, well, we’ll just tell Jethro we’re back home and he’ll never know the difference.

“And what about you, Miss Hathaway?” Gandalf asked the woman, still not too sure about her.

“Well,” she said, reaching up to whisper something in his ear. His eyes grew wide and eventually a smile formed on his face.

“I supposed I could be persuaded to try that,” he told her. “You have these whips and chains with you?”

Embarrassed she shrugged, “No, we will have to find some.”

“Not a problem,” he told her. “I am a wizard after all.”

Taking her hand, she giggled as they walked off into the woods together.

Mr. Drysdale looked around, satisfied. He had wanted badly to go back home until he heard about the terrible lack of banks in Gondor. The possibilities were endless. He rubbed his hands together, anxious to be on his way.

“Well, Miss Galadriel, I think this has all worked out for the best,” Jed told her. “We’ll be on our way back to Edoras tomorrow and Mr. Drysdale will be heading for Minas Tirith. If we can keep Jethro off of Lord Celeborn until tomorrow, everything should be fine.”

A smile came over Lady Galadriel’s face.

“You know, Jed,” she said, taking his arm and walking with him. “While Jethro is busy chasing Celeborn all over Caras Galadhon, maybe you and I could spend a little time together.”

Jed smiled at the Lady of Light and let her lead him away.

~~~The End~~~

Second Place Winner in the 2004 MPA Awards - Humor Category

http://elvenlords.net/MPA/mpa.htm#Best%20Humour%20Story

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The Crossover Awards – humor category:

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