My Past

My Past: Confessions by Wine


Yet again I was left stammering in flattered confusion. But only for a few moments as Shassma was shoving me through the corridors to a bath. It was here she left me. I bathed, dressed and went to the kitchens for an early lunch. I spent the rest of the day wandering the Keep wondering about Dinrogion. I feared my infatuation and curiosity was turning to something else. To the point that as evening came I found myself a nervous wreck in my rooms. Unsure of my own name let alone what I would say to Dinrogion when he came for me.

I had chosen a simple, light dark blue tunic over dark pants. I had only the cloths here that Shassma had provided and my travel cloths. All were functional and there was not much to chose from. I slipped on my boots and combed my hair, pulling back the front to braid in a single tight plait to fall with the rest. I paced my floor in anticipation. If I did not make an impression to hold his interest tonight he may never desire to see me again. I did not want that. I wished to keep his interest and attention on me. For I had grown to enjoy his company. To long for his voice and I did not want to leave him. I wanted to learn more of him…to spend time in his presencd end enjoy the feel f his body near mine. The knock at the door brought me running to it. And tripping over a chair. I regained my balance. Nothing injured but my dignity and walked to the door calming myself. A two thousand year old elf should act with a tad more decorum on his first date with a man. Besides, why should I worry if I should hold his interest or he felt no fondness for me? If nothing was to come of us we would part and that would be all. But I still did not want to part. As I opened the door to greet him I knew that it was too late for me to walk away.

"Good evening Heru Draug," I spoke softly inclining my head in respect.

Dinrogion wore an outfit of black and red that suited him well. He smiled at my greeting. "Good evening, my Prince Elrohir."

My stomach was fluttering in knots and I had no thought of what to say next so I just looked awkwardly at him.

ogioogion seemed to smirk slightly as he stood there with his eyes upon me. "Do you feel alright?"

I smiled at his question. Of course I must look a fool standing here. I closed the door. "Yes…I am fine…and you?"

He turned and started walking down the hallways while I took up a pace at his side. The walk was leisurely and we traveled down the Keep. "I feel quite well, actually."

"That is good." We came to a secluded room that overlooked one of the gardens. There was a table and chairs and a small fire raging in the wall opposite the opened space to the green below. The only light was of candles on stands scattered in the room, the fire, and the starlight from outside. I admired the view for a few moments before my thoughts turned to my friend. "How is Roch? Did he suffer much of an injury? I have not had a chance to return and check on him."

"he is well. His head is much thicker than it appears, and Shassma will treat him well." I turned to watch him approach a table where a bottle of wine sat. He lifted the bottle carefully and looked up to me. "Would you care for some wine? It is a fine elvish vintage that we…found…recently."

I nodded in agreement grateful for something to take the edge off my nerves. "Is it red or white?"

"A very light red." He replied offering me a simple silver goblet filled with the light crimson liquid.

I took it careful not to spill in my nervousness. It smelled sweet and young. A potent vintage to be sure. "Thank you…I've always preferred red to white. I like the sweeter taste compared to the harsh dry of the whites."

He smiled. "I shall remember that in the future."

I took a seat in a chair near the fire with my goblet in hand. I was still nervous but at least we were speaking and I had not made a fool of myself. "Any word of the Orc's intent?"

"Not yet." He seated himself across from me his arms folded against his chest. "Although I know of any move they make."

I began to sip from my wine to still my stomach's fluttering. It was ridiculous. We were both grown men and merely speaking of things. There was no reason for me to feel this excited and frightened in his presence. I managed to move my mind away from Dinrogion and focus on the concern the orcs caused me. I frowned as I thought on their intent.

Dinrogion was studying me closely, his eyes intent upon my form. "I would like to know of their reasons, however, and why they are traveling so close to the Keep.

I nodded slowly in thought. "It makes me nervous to see such a great number on the move. I have never seen such a large force active…I should like to know where they are headed in case it is war upon an ally of my people."

"I am afraid that war is something we are going to have to become accustomed to soon. I have never seen so many Orcs gathered in one place before either, and it is indeed worrying."

I sipped quietly at my wine. "Will you tell me if Vitalo learns of their destination?"

"Of course, if you request it of me."

I nodded once more. "If they are going to strike I should warn my father." He would need time to gather the white council to move into action to counter this threat. If Sauron was on the rise…

Dinrogion arched an eyebrow. "Would not the Lord Elrond know of this already?"

"I do not know. It is difficult to have elven eyes about the slopes of Mordor. Our scouts tend to disappear among these paths. Ad though my father has visions he can only know a part of the thing and never understand or see all the parts of it."

"Yes, that is true. Elves tend to disappear in this area for some reason."

"We do not do well in a land with no growth…and I fear we tend to fall to orcs as I would have." I looked out at the garden and felt peaceful for a moment. My body warmed by the wine and fire. My eyes upon the stars.

"Yes. Being so close to Mordor, we see Orcs frequently. But never such as this." I turned my eyes back to find him wearing his half smile. "We grow up fighting orcs."

"As did I. My father saw to it that his children could handle themselves in battle. Though there was a time that I used to pity the creatures."

"Because they were once elves?"

"At least their ancestors were…I always believed they could be redeemed…or helped…but I learned I was mistaken and naught remains in them but hatred."

"It is all they are taught. The life of an orc is harsh. Anyone would break under such strain."

I took another sip from the goblet as I pondered the lives of orcs and felt my sympathy go to those young and wild elves who were broken to produce such hatred and despair. I would like to think I would die myself of grief or blade before falling to such consuming hatred of life. "I understand that now…"

"But not when you were younger?" He smiled upon me then shrugged slightly and glanced into the fire. "We all have odd ideals when we are young."

"I would have maintained them…but the orcs took my mother from me without mercy…I tend to hold a grudge."

"That I can understand. It is difficult to lose a parent so."

"My brother and I returned her…father did what he could to save her…but she grieved and was forced to return to the undying lands. It crushed my father."

"As it did you?" His voice was soft with a touch of concern. I appreciated but was caught up in my memories of Celebrian to say as much. Childhood always seems brighter when you look at it from afar.

"I miss her…it tore my family apart. We rarely spend much time in the same place together these days."

"Families are fragile things." Dinrogion frowned and gazed at the table. A look of memory seemed to be haunting his eyes as well. "They fall apart easily."

"I would hope there remains strength in us yet." I studied his face and asked softly, "What of your family? How do they fare?"

"I'm sure there is. I have learned that elves are stronger than they appear." He frowned at my next question and gave an inappreciable shrug as though to toss it off. "The clan is my only family."

"Oh…at least you are with them at all times then?"

"Yes…though at times that can be a harrowing thing."

I stared into the reflection of the flames leaping over his amber eyes. I presumed then that his blood family had been taken from him some how. And that he was alone but for the comfort of the clan. The words passed my lips before I thought better of them. "…Are you lonely?"

"At times. I have grown accustomed to the feeling. It is not something I despair over any longer."

"But…you should not need to feel lonely when you are surrounded."

"Surrounded yes, but that does not mean that they can ever understand me. Not truly."

I finished the goblet of wine and looked at him again. It did not seem right to me that he should suffer loneliness when I would gladly ease it for him. I shook the thought away in embarrassment of myself. I should not fool myself to believe he would have more than a passing interest in me. Surely there was another who would comfort his heart. "But surely there is someone you can turn to?"

"No…though I have many close friends."

"You should open up to one of them. For if you hold everything inside it may hurt you."

"It has become a habit, and not one easily broken."

"My father often bears his burdens alone and it has isolated him in unhappiness."

"But he is strong, and there is a price for strength."

"But what happens when the strength in the lone one is gone and they fear to turn to another for help?"

Dinrogion's tone was flat and final. "They will fall."

I leaned forward in my seat towards him. I spoke sincerely and the words that came echoed my heart. "but they should not need to fall."

"If no one is willing to support them, they have no choice."

"What if there is someone willing to offer such and they need but to be asked?"

He raised an eyebrow and seemed to be amused at my words. "Sometimes asking is harder than falling."

I frowned at him in response. "To fall would hurt those who rely on that one more than asking would."

"Have you experienced such a situation before, Elrohir?"

"I have never held such responsibility." It was true. Who was I to give advice when I was so inexperienced in life?

He was studying me once more. "Surely being a Prince must be difficult, and a ranger as well. Don't you get lonely at times?"

"Yes, but my solitude is chosen, if I desired I could end it by returning to Rivendell and giving up my travels."

"And I have no doubts that your people would gladly welcome you there." He smiled fondly. "I have no doubt that you are well loved. But that is not the type of companionship I meant."

"I have yet to find one I would desire as more than passing company in Rivendell." Though I fear I have found that one sitting before me now.

"Though I'm sure many have offered to share your bed?"

I faltered. The truth was that I was shy in such things. Yes, I had courted with both men and women. Mostly ending in heavy petting before I got confused or they left. I had intercourse with one elven maiden who my father had hoped I would wed. Though her interest in me was fleeting once she met Legolas. The furthest I had gone with a man was with my tutor Glorfindel. I had been curious and he willing so I had opened my mouth for him. But as far as my bed was concerned it remained empty but for myself. "…A few. Human's would have me because I am an elf…elves because I am a Lordling…dwarves to prove their superiority…but nothing that would offer me an end to loneliness." It was true that I sometimes found a hand sliding up my thigh or eyes upon me while in Taverns or at Feasts. But I had taken to ignore it as the confusion of the drunken.

"Perhaps you have not found the one that only likes you for who you are and not your station or race…or liked you before he knew who you were."

"Perhaps."

"Do not despair over it. I believe you to be a worthy person in your own right, I'm sure others will as well."

"So you are saying I should return to an elven realm and walk about in disguise in hopes of winning someone's attentions?" I could not help but smile at the thought.

"Maybe…but only after you stay here for a time as you still need a great deal of time to rest."

I knew well that my elven healing was hard at work and though I still hurt I could walk from here at anytime. The truth was that I had no desire to. For the longer I stayed by his side the harder it was for me to leave. "That is well…as I fear there is something here I shall have difficulty leaving." I gazed at my reflection in the empty silver goblet.

"Would you like more? There is plenty left."

"Perhaps a little…" I should be more wary having not eaten since before lunch. But the wine was good, the fire warm and the night calm.

He rose smoothly from his seat and took the bottle pouring more into my goblet. I would lie if I did not say I longed to reach out and touch him as he did so. But soon enough he was returning the bottle to the table to stand beside the second unused goblet. "I would understand why I would have difficulty leaving this place, but why would you?"

I took a sip of the sweet drink letting it slide down my throat and evoke a warm flush upon my cheeks. "I have grown fond of it here…"

"My people have grown used to your presence here. I believe that they would miss you if you were to leave us."

"I do not think all of them would be sorry to see me go." The thought of Timlal or Gragmilion being upset at my parting was laughable. "I would miss Shassma, Roch and…you a great deal." I lifted the silver goblet and took another sip. Entranced by the light of the candles dancing over its surface.

He was smiling at me as he watched my face. "I do not wish you to leave."

"I would miss you most of all."

"Do you have any reason to leave?"

"I should return to scouting…and report to my father…he'll presume something ill has befallen me otherwise." I had sunk into the warmth of the room and candles enjoying their dance uphe whe walls.

"I could send a message to him so that you would not have to worry so, and you could stay here."

"Would you?" I could not hide the wistfulness in my voice. For I would be happy to stay in this moment until the last of the stars burned black in the sky. Here in this quiet little room filled with warmth and Dinrogion's voice and being.

"Of course. Gladly, if it will keep you here and content."

I found myself once again looking at the bottom of an empty goblet. How had I drank all the wine so quickly? I must be a fool in his eyes to be sitting here flushed with wine and slow of thought. I reached out and set the wine goblet down. "I…I would like to stay here…with you."

He rose and took the goblet refilling it once more. "It seems odd that a person can grow attached in so short a time." I found myself looking into his eyes as he returned the glass to me.

I glanced down as I took the goblet and stared at his hand there beside mine. "My heart has a will of its own and attaches itself while I am not aware."

He took my free hand in his own and studied the lines worn upon my palm. "Would you be happy here?"

I could not look away from the warmth of my skin as my hand lay in his. "I could be…"

"What do you think you would need?" He began to trace the lines of my open palm with a cool finger and I felt a shiver disturb the warmth of my body.

For there was only one thing here I desired that would fill my heart and end my loneliness. Quickly I took another drink of the wine to hide my confusion and drown the rising thoughts. "There is one thing in this Keep that holds sway over me…One could offer me a kind word and I shall make them my friend…" I laughed in nervousness. "But touch my ears and I become yours forev-" I suddenly caught up with my tongue and flushed deeper from more than the wine. How could I embarrass myself so? Drunk and open before the man I-"Perhaps I should return to my room."

Dinrogion grinned at me and released my hand. "Only if you wish to go, though I am loathe to lose your company this soon."

I stared at my lone hand then my gaze traveled up to his face. "I…" I do not know if it was the drink or just time but I had begun to understand something.

He smiled softly at me and offered his hand once more. "Can you make it to your rooms on your own?"

I set the goblet down and continued to look at him. Slowly I grasped the hand and noted the feel of our hands clasped together. "I…would be happy with just you."

He looked at me in a mixture of amusement and surprise. "Are you sure of that? You certainly deserve much more."

"Yes…I am sure…rather frightened to be more accurate."

"Then perhaps you do need time to think?" His hand reached up and gently touched my cheek.

I found myself longing to lean into the touch but the shock of my understanding kept my confusion firm. "I fear time shall only strengthen my feelings for you…I think I love you."

Dinrogion withdrew his hand from my face and looked away guarding his emotions. "Yes…I think that perhaps it is time you returned to your rooms. Do you wish me to guide you?"

I nodded dumbly. So he took up my hand one more and began leading me silently through the Keep.

At least he was silent. My tongue was loosened by the wine and I could not seem to still it from speaking my thoughts. "I have never been in love before…"

"I find that surprising." He smiled uncomfortably. "You have certainly caught me by surprise by saying that." We had reached my door and he opened it for me.

"It was…so fast…I barely know you…but I know that I would be happy beside you for the rest of my immortal days learning to…and…I am scared of that thought."

"Things we do not understand and can not always predict frighten us, Elrohir. It is natural to feel that way." He frowned at looked as though he may speak something else but gestured to my room instead. "You need to rest now."

I walked into my room and flopped without dignity upon the bed. "It is as I feared. I have made a fool of myself."

He came in and stood over me a moment and shook his noble head. "No, you have not. So do not worry about it so."

He then did a most surprising thing. He leaned down over me and placed his lips in a gentle kiss upon one of my ears. I gasped in surprise, my eyes closing and my flush deepening at the sensations this awoke in my body. He whispered softly, "Rest well, Elrohir." There was a pause before he departed from my room. The lock of the door clicking softly in his exit.

I lay still upon my bed smiling softly to the darkness. When I heard an unusual scrape against the window. I turned to see a pale white face staring in at me. I bolted upright and gasped in surprise but it was gone. I rose from my bed and grasped for my dagger. Then went to the window. There was nothing but the night.

Slowly I returned to my bed. The wine and my heightened senses must have caused my eyes to fool me. It was nothing but a statue on the pillar looking in on me. I slid out of my clothing and under the covers. Here I slept fully without interruption.


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The writing in this part was aided by my lovely assistant Steve who hammered out half of Dinrogion and Elrohir's date. Thank You Steve!