Feel so different

This is betaed by Lisbeth Karlsdottir – thanks sweetie.

-Az
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I know the pieces fit cuz I watched them fall away
Mildewed and smoldering. Fundamental differing.
Pure intention juxtaposed will set two lovers souls in motion
Disintegrating as it goes testing our communication
The light that fueled our fire then has burned a hole between us so
We cannot see to reach an end crippling our communication.

I know the pieces fit cuz I watched them tumble down
No fault, none to blame it doesn't mean I don't desire to
Point the finger, blame the other, watch the temple topple over.
To bring the pieces back together, rediscover communication

There was a time that the pieces fit, but I watched them fall away.
Mildewed and smoldering, strangled by our coveting
I've done the math enough to know the dangers of our second guessing
Doomed to crumble unless we grow, and strengthen our communication.

Tool – Schism
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Chapter 6 – Between supposed lovers/brothers

Glorfindel sat and tried to make sense out of the map. No matter how he turned it, it just didn’t make sense; he could not figure out how to place the defences best. He sighed and slumped down in the chair. “Dammit!” he hissed and fought the urge to just wad the piece of paper up and throw it out the window. A light tap on the door made him sigh even deeper. “Enter,” he said in an irritated voice, annoyed that he was even interrupted in his misery.

“Lord Glorfindel?” a timid voice said as the door opened slowly.

Glorfindel raised a brow and looked at the door. “Yes that is me, or at least it has been the last couple of millennia.”

“Haldir told me to come here to talk to you,” Orophin whispered and shuffled into the room.

“Did he indeed?” Glorfindel yawned and gestured towards the chair on the other side of the large oak desk.

Orophin stalled some, but eventually sat down. The large elf scared him to death. This was the Balrog slayer, and his wrath had to be terrible. The little elf paled. “Yes,” he whispered.

Glorfindel folded his arms over his chest and tipped the chair so he was balancing. “And you wanted what?” he demanded with a arrogant expression.

“Ehm I wanted to... to...” Orophin swallowed hard, “to say I am sorry.”

“Sorry for what? We have not conducted any business together,” Glorfindel said, trying to sound less irritated and more patient.

“I did you a terrible wrong,” Orophin breathed. There was no way around it now. He would have to tell the Elda. He pulled his hands into his sleeves, hoping that Glorfindel would not notice how much he was trembling.

Glorfindel suddenly looked serious. “E-Elladan?” he whispered

Orophin paled. How could he know? Had he seen it? Had Elladan told him? Words failed the silverhaired elf, so he just nodded.

Glorfindel did know if he should strangle Orophin or kiss him. He had to concede that the elf was really courageous, and by far the most honest of elves he had seen for long. “I am not mad at you,” he finally mumbled.

“B-but,” Orophin stuttered.

“You did the right thing, penneth,” Glorfindel said, and lowered his chair down on the floor again with a deep sigh. “Thank you for coming to me.”

Orophin nodded, not sure if this meant he could leave or that he was about to die.

“Leave me!” Glorfindel said with a strained voice.

Orophin stood up with a quick move “Yes my lord, and thank you for forgiving me.”

“Who said I have forgiven you?” Glorfindel said with a raised brown and a light frown.

“Oh, I just assumed,” Orophin, whispered.

“You assume too much, little one,” the golden elf hissed. “Now be a good elf and run home to your woods.” Glorfindel waved towards the door, and Orophin darted out of the room as quick as he could.

Glorfindel sat alone again in his study; he ripped the map from the large desk. And felt the tears sting in his eyes. How did this happen? And when? At what exact moment had Elladan just stopped loving him? Had Elladan ever really loved him? Was he too just a conquest, the one that was too stupid to leave?

He felt so betrayed, but had no right. Elladan had never promised him anything. “Never again,” he whispered to himself. “It is over.” He heard his voice change into a weird sob that he didn’t even recognize as himself. And it was not only him dancing after Elladan’s tune in the hope of some love, he thought bitterly; it was more than that. This was not his time; he should never have been allowed to return to Arda from the Halls of Mandos. Damn that chess game. If only Ereinion had won instead of him. The he would not have been so miserable, and Ereinion so angry. And Middle-earth would have been quite another place to live.

It was about time he went home. This was his time to travel west, to gaze upon Elwing’s white tower once more.

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Haldir headed towards Legolas and Elrohir’s chambers and softly knocked on the door, hoping he wasn’t disturbing them too much, but when Legolas opened the door with a large smile but fully dressed he could not help but smile back. “Here, he just ate and now he's sound asleep,” he whispered and handed Amcar to Legolas gently.

“Thank you ever so much, Haldir,” Legolas said and kissed his son's forehead lightly.

“Legolas?” Haldir said and folded his hands on his back, not knowing what to do with his arms, now that they did not carry the burden of Amcar. “We need to talk.”

“If you think so, then yes we do,” Legolas said with a puzzled expression.

“Can I come back later?” Haldir said and smiled a disarming smile.

“You can come at any hour you choose, my friend,” Legolas said softly.

How Haldir wished that was the truth, but he just nodded. “Then I will be back later,” he said and turned to leave, heading towards Erestor's chambers.

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Haldir opened the door to Erestor’s chambers. He watched while Erestor still slept. He was an image of beauty. Haldir sighed and began to gather his few belongings and threw them into his sack. This was goodbye then? Not that he was really sad. It was most strange; he had thought he would be devastated, but now he cold not find anything but regret in his heart.

Regret that he had ever kissed Erestor, regret that he had let this go on for too long, hurting them both. He knew there was no love between them; lust, but no love. And it had all been fine - until now, now it was just not enough, and they had started to irritate each other.

Haldir sighed; he really had no idea when desire had been replaced with indifference. But now it had to end, and he really longed for the golden woods once more. His only regret was having to leave Amcar behind. Perhaps Legolas would understand. Haldir smiled to himself. This was ridiculous. Would he give up his child like that? No, so why then should Legolas, who had carried it to term and given birth to it?

The silver haired elf's musings stopped when Erestor slowly sat up in the bed and rubbed his eyes sleepily. “Leaving?” he whispered.

“Yes,” Haldir said, and pulled the string to close the sack, and looked over at Erestor.

“Then...” Erestor paused to choose his words, careful not to launch another bitter fight between them; he had no intention of Haldir leaving in anger. “Safe journey my friend, I will pray the Valar to keep an eye on you.”

“Thank you, Erestor,” Haldir said and smiled. “Farewell then, friend, and until next time take care and look after Rumil for me.”

The galadhrim moved to the door when Erestor suddenly got up of the bed, walking over to Haldir, turning him around and dragging him into a tight embrace. “I am sorry, Haldir,” he mumbled.

Haldir dropped his sack and wrapped his arms around Erestor. “I am sorry too,” he whispered.

The let go of each other and just nodded in silent agreement, before Haldir smiled. “Don’t let Rumil get into trouble,” he said, and then turned and left Erestor’s chambers.

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Glorfindel watched the sky as he made his way to the training halls later that afternoon. It looked like a nasty storm. He shrugged and opened the door to the empty halls. It was the trainees' day off; they all went to see their families. This somewhat made Glorfindel empty inside to know. He didn't even feel like returning to his own bed. He picked up a sword from the floor that a trainee had not placed in its proper place. He turned it over and made a note of the number the number, 1342. He would have to look up who was responsible for that sword and have a talk with the student.

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Haldir sighed and knocked on the door of Legolas and Elrohir’s chambers once more, and this time Elrohir opened the door. “Haldir?” he said and looked confused, and even more so when his eyes landed on the sack on the floor. “Are you leaving?”

“Aye, I am. I need a word with Legolas before I announce my departure to your father,” Haldir said quietly.

“Why of course,” Elrohir said and opened the door wide for Haldir.

Haldir walked into the large room lit by candles. The sky had turned increasingly dark grey that day and they had been forced to light up the room. Legolas sat in a large green chair playing with Amcar with a little fabric star. This was the image of tranquillity. Haldir smiled. How he wished it could be his. The child was, yes, and he was more than grateful for that. “Legolas?” he said softly and squatted down next to Amcar and Legolas.

Legolas looked at Haldir and smiled. “There you are,” he said, and chuckled as Amcar instantly reached out for his other parent. Legolas handed both the child and the star over to Haldir. He stood up from the chair and gestured for Haldir to sit, while he seated himself on the rug, looking up at Haldir. “So what was so important?”

Haldir smiled at Amcar, and then looked at Legolas. “I came to say goodbye,” he said with a painful expression.

“Goodbye? You are leaving?” Legolas gasped and paled, not even noticing that Elrohir had come to sit next to him.

“Yes, we are going home Legolas, Orophin and I.” Haldir squeezed out a smiled for Amcar as he pulled Haldir’s silver hair and cooed happily.

“B-but you can’t...” Legolas whispered and shot Elrohir a worried look. “What about Amcar?”

Haldir sighed and forced himself not to release the tears he felt swim in his eyes. “He... will have to stay, or,” he paused and looked up at Legolas, “come with me.”

“With you? Haldir, have you gone insane?” Legolas exclaimed in a high-pitched tone, which made Amcar twitch and let out a little whine. “No Haldir, you will have to stay here,” he stated and crossed his arms over his chest.

“Just for a while,” Haldir said and released his tears. “I cannot just leave, though I know it would be the right thing to do, he has a family here – he has you and Elrohir.”

“Legolas,” Elrohir said softly while he gently removed the hair from Legolas’ shoulder and neck to caress the skin of his mate. “If you still plan on going to Mirkwood, then it would perhaps be best for Haldir to take Amcar with him instead.”

“Elrohir!” Legolas exclaimed offended and turned towards his mate. “You cannot be serious!”

“I am,” Elrohir said. “Think about it, both you and I can defend ourselves should it be needed, but with Amcar there, it would be different. Would you not fear to take Amcar to Mirkwood?”

“Y-yes,” Legolas whispered and hung his head. “B-but still…”

“I should just leave now,” Haldir said, sending Elrohir a grateful look, appreciating what Elrohir did for him. He was aware it might to be totally unselfish in reasons, but still the young half-elf had a point. “Can I have a moment with Amcar, please?”

Legolas nodded and looked up at Haldir with large eyes filled with tears. “Elrohir is right,” he whispered shakily. “It would be dangerous to bring Amcar to Mirkwood.” Legolas turned and fell into the embrace Elrohir was ready to give him.

Elrohir wrapped his arms around Legolas and cradled him as he would a child. “It is the right decision, and besides we will come back afterwards and pick Amcar up as quickly as possible without the gift of wings,” he whispered into Legolas’ hair

Legolas nodded weakly and clung to Elrohir.

Haldir just stood there and watched, feeling like an intruder, but still he had not the heart to leave, for he felt deep sorrow for Legolas, while at the same time he rejoiced that he would now be able to keep Amcar with him, for a little while at least.


-TBC-