Wherefore Art Thou Gay, Boromiromeo?
folder
-Multi-Age › Slash - Male/Male
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
5
Views:
2,504
Reviews:
16
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Category:
-Multi-Age › Slash - Male/Male
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
5
Views:
2,504
Reviews:
16
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
I do not own the Lord of the Rings (and associated) book series, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
Mostly Crebain
I own nothing but myself. And the bottle of Drambuie on my desk.
Wherefore Art Thou Gay, Boromiromeo?
By SugaryLime (gayshaggingcats@yahoo.co.uk)
Legolas/Boromir
R.
__________
Chapter 5: Mostly Crebain.
Boromir: I don’t know where Legolas and SugaryLime have fucked off to, and I don’t want to know, so it’s just me here.
Audience: [sound of crickets chirping]
Boromir: Fuck the whole rotten lot of you. Bastards. Maybe if I start the story, they’ll come back.
//
Chapter five
****
Yay! Thank you to all who reviewed! A special thanks to StarlightWarrior, go read her story! It's hilarious. And StelLa's awesome too. Thank you for refraining from flaming.
Oh, and Loiuse? You're weird. That is the weirdest phrase I've heard.
****
//
Boromir: Well, that didn’t work.
BRIEF INTERMISSION AS LEGOLAS AND SUGARYLIME MAKE THEIR WAY BACK FROM WHEREVER THEY ARE.
SugaryLime: Legolas’ll be here in a minute. He’s parking the car.
Boromir: Where’d you go? I blinked and you were gone!
SugaryLime: We needed provisions. Lube, and whatnot.
Boromir: Then where’s the stuff?
SugaryLime: That’s what took so long. We used it all up on the way back.
Legolas: [walking a bit funny] Hey, Boromir.
Boromir: Yeah, hey. What the fuck?
Legolas: [smirking] Nothing. Just let’s do this, okay? Get it done before the next age.
//
Arsarmwen sighed. It had been twelve weeks, and they were stopped at a picturesque outcropping of rocks.
//
Legolas: [shifting in his seat] I see she hasn’t gotten that sighing problem taken care of.
Boromir: What’s a matter, Legolas? Arse a bit sore?
SugaryLime: [giggling]
Legolas: Yeah, a bit.
SugaryLime: It was great though, no?
Boromir: What was great? Tell me, damnit.
Legolas: SugaryLime’s got this thing with vegetables. Cucumbers, mostly.
Boromir: Right. Sorry I as
//
Her arm was better, thankfully. She was getting used to living on the road, which was a big relief. She had developed more leg muscles, and her shoulders felt broader and more muscular. And her sunburned skin had peeled, leaving her with a tan. Her face felt almost leathery, but that way the branches didn't cut into her skin very much.
//
SugaryLime: Ew. Just. Ew.
Legolas: She’s turning into a man!
Boromir: Maybe this won’t be so bad after
Legolas and SugaryLime: Ew.
//
But at the moment, she was miserable. She had cramps.
//
SugaryLime: Nope. Still a girl.
Boromir: Buggrit.
Legolas: Ew.
//
She gloomily watched as Boromir taught Merry and Pippin some of the basics of swordplay, and the two hobbits were laughing like mad. Boromir was occasionally giving into the laughter as well, but one could see that he was trying to actually give them some meager means of Defence.
//
SugaryLime: Basics of swordplay, eh? Sounds a bit dodgy to me.
Legolas: I won’t even go there. Not saying a word.
Boromir: Well, someone has to teach them. Why not an expert, er, swordsman like me?
Legolas: [mumbling] Expert my arse.
Boromir: What?
Legolas: Nothing. Nevermind.
//
Arsarmwen looked over to where Legolas was watching the skies. She didn't despise him like she had that first few days, but she wasn't particularly fond of him as well. For her, he was just another one of the fellowship. She would help him if he needed it, as would he for her, but she was just closer to others.
//
Les: s: Is this supposed to make me sad?
SugaryLime: I think so.
Boromir: Legolas couldn’t be sad if his best mate died in a fire.
Legolas: You act as though I’ve got no feelings.
Boromir: You don’t, you cold-hearted bastard.
Legolas: Just because I haven’t got feelings for you, doesn’t mean I haven’t got them.
Boromir: Prick.
Legolas: Yeah, I’ve got one. It’s bloody marvellous too.
Boromir and SugaryLime: I know.
Legolas: [grins]
//
She shook her head, then looked back at Boromir and the hobbits. Merry mis- blocked, and got his hand whacked with a stinger because of it.
Merry dropped his sword, and Boromir immediately apologized profusely.
//
SugaryLime: Whacked with a stin
Boromir: I have no idea.
//
Arsarmwen watched with a grin when Merry looked at the ground, his small mouth frowning in indecision. Then, with a small smile appearing on his face, he jumped forwards and kicked Boromir in the shins.
Arsarmwen laughed at the shocked expression appeared on Boromir's face, then Pippin joined the fray.
"For the shire!" Was heard as the two hobbits tackled Boromir, giggling for all they were worth.
Aragorn tried to interfere, but was quickly knocked down. Arsarmwen laughed at the rather disgruntled look on her foster-brother's face.
She looked over to where Sam and Frodo were sitting. Sam was shaking his head in obvious amusement, and Frodo was chuckling at his young cousins quietly.
//
SugaryLime: I was almost going to ask where Sam and Frodo were.
Legolas: Together, somewhere. It’s sick, really.
Boromir: So is the way you stare at Aragorn all the fucking day.
Legolas: Jealous?
Boromir: No. Oh, alright, yes. Is it a crime to want to be loved?
Legolas: Here we go.
SugaryLime: Arse-face-maiden-whatever loves you. Or she will.
Boromir: [points at Legolas] But I want him!
Legolas: Sorry, mate. You die, remember? And I can’t go and have my heart broken because you get skewered by some bas bastard.
Boromir: Aragorn dies.
Legolas: I don’t love him, you twat. He’s just good in the sack.
Boromir: You do love me!
Legolas: I do not! Now shut it or you won’t have to worry about Uruk-hai arrows. You’ll have Elvish ones to deal with.
//
"That's an fell cloud." She heard Legolas say quietly.
//
Legolas: I hope I have better grammar skills than that.
//
Gimli, who Arsarmwen had grown to respect more than she had before, just huffed impatiently. "It's just a wisp of cloud." He said gruffly.
"It's moving quickly." Aragorn observed, standing up from where he had been tackled.
"And against the wind." Boromir put in, sitting up.
A chill went down Arsarmwen's back. "There's a fell noise, like a terrible beating of wings." She said, standing up and facing the cloud.
"Crebain from Fangorn and Dunland!" Legolas cried out. "Hide!"
//
Legolas: She loves that word ‘fell’ doesn’t she?
SugaryLime: I’m actually surprised she spelt ‘crebain’ correctly.
//
A frenzy was produced from his words. Sam stamped out the fire, the hobbits hid under the rocks, Boromir climbed underneath bushes, Aragorn squeezed between a rock and the ground, Legolas his himself among the rocks, and Arsarmwen found herself roughly shoved between two rocks. She didn't know where Gandalf had hidden.
//
Legolas: We were hoping she would get stuck between the rocks, and we’d have to leave her behind.
SugaryLime: Judging by the length of this fuck-awful story, it worked so well.
Legolas: Piss off. Like you could have done better.
SugaryLime: I’d have killed the bint in the battle with the orcs, and claimed it was an accident.
Legolas: You aren’t the one who would have to deal with her in Valinor for all eternity. Not to mention Elrond of Rivindale.
Boromir: Yeah, I hear he’s a right bastard.
//
The rocks were dank and dirty, and Arsarmwen felt the chill of the rock pressed against her back. She tried to cringe away from it, but was met with a similarly cold rock to her front. The chill seemed to fill her entire being, and she had to refrain from crying out. She felt as if she was being choked, pressed together by the two unmovable stones.
//
Boromir: There were no Crebain, actually. It was just a ruse to get her between two boulders so we could squish her. Gandalf made us stop.
Legolas: He said we could use her for orc bait later, though.
SugaryLime: Oh, stop. Don’t indulge this girl’s fantasy by acting as though this really happened.
Legolas: Got to have some sort of fun.
Boro I’ I’ll show you a good time, Legolas.
Legolas: Not now. Not ever again.
Boromir: I thought we were getting on well!
Legolas: We are, it’s just that I don’t think it’ll work out in the long run.
Boromir: Why does this always happen to me?
//
She shut her forest green eyes, resting her forehead against the stone, tears welling up in her eyes. Her chest seized up, and she had to force breaths out of herself to live.
A choked sob found its way out of her throat after the Crebain were past. She fell out of her stone prison, shaking and almost crying.
//
SugaryLime: I love these random colour descriptions. Like her eyes have changed colour since leaving Rivendell. Or Rivindale, if we go by this author’s story.
Legolas: What colour eyes do you like best, Sonsy?
SugaryLime: Blue.
Boromir: Gag me.
//
She dimly heard Gandalf and Aragorn debating what to do. They couldn't go south, for that way was being watched.
//
Legolas: [as Aragorn] Should we tie her to a tree and leave her, or stuff her back between the rocks?
Boromir: [as Gandalf] Tough call, Estel. Tough call.
//
Gimli offered to take them through Moria, and Gandalf soundly refused.
"We shall make for the pass of Caradhras." She heard Gandalf say, as if a predicament of doom.
//
Legolas: He wants to go to Caradhras so he can toss the butt maiden over. I know it.
SugaryLime: Does she mean a prediction of doom, by chance?
Boromir: Gimli just wants to go through Moria because it’s dark, and he thinks he might have half a chance to get laid.
Legolas: Well, there is Gollum.
SugaryLime: That is not a mental image I needed, thankyou.
//
Arsarmwen looked up towards the formidable giant, desperately trying to dry her tears before the others found her.
Satisfied that the others wouldn't know of her fear, she stepped into their view. "I know of a guide, an elf who resides at the base of the mountain." She said, ashamed to find that her voice wobbled a bit. "There we will be able to find some hot food, suitable clothes, and a map if not a guide."
//
Legolas: Oh, fuck me. Not a new character!
Boromir: I hope he’s cute.
Legolas: And you call me a tart.
SugaryLime: Is it me, or does that last bit not make sense. ‘. . .and a map if not a guide.’ Doesn’t the guide live there? I am confused.
Legolas: It’s okay, love. I’ll help get you sorted.
Boromir: What about me?
Legolas: Go sort yourself.
Boromir: . . .
//
The men looked over at her, and Gandalf nodded at her. "That is wise, lady Arsarmwen." Boromir said formally. "Tell me, do you know the way to the residence?"
Arsarmwen nodded. "Yes." She affirmed solidly. "The guide's youngest daughter is a dear friend of mine, and I have visited them often."
"Then lead the way, Arsarmwen." Gandalf said, gesturing with his staff.
Arsarmwen nodded, picked up her pack froere ere she had stashed it, and started walking, her knees still shaking from the stone prison she had been in.
****
//
Legolas: How many times does the word ‘Arsarmwen’ appear in this bit?
Boromir: Four.
SugaryLime: Wow. We’re almost done! Just another note, and this chapter’s been put paid to!
//
So, do you like? The next chapter I'm going to go through the list of thanks again, so if I didn't thank you this time, I will next time!
-Kazlitt
//
Legolas: I can hardly contain my joy.
Boromir: She said thank you, not spank you.
Legolas: Too bad for you then, isn’t it?
SugaryLime: Enough!
Wherefore Art Thou Gay, Boromiromeo?
By SugaryLime (gayshaggingcats@yahoo.co.uk)
Legolas/Boromir
R.
__________
Chapter 5: Mostly Crebain.
Boromir: I don’t know where Legolas and SugaryLime have fucked off to, and I don’t want to know, so it’s just me here.
Audience: [sound of crickets chirping]
Boromir: Fuck the whole rotten lot of you. Bastards. Maybe if I start the story, they’ll come back.
//
Chapter five
****
Yay! Thank you to all who reviewed! A special thanks to StarlightWarrior, go read her story! It's hilarious. And StelLa's awesome too. Thank you for refraining from flaming.
Oh, and Loiuse? You're weird. That is the weirdest phrase I've heard.
****
//
Boromir: Well, that didn’t work.
BRIEF INTERMISSION AS LEGOLAS AND SUGARYLIME MAKE THEIR WAY BACK FROM WHEREVER THEY ARE.
SugaryLime: Legolas’ll be here in a minute. He’s parking the car.
Boromir: Where’d you go? I blinked and you were gone!
SugaryLime: We needed provisions. Lube, and whatnot.
Boromir: Then where’s the stuff?
SugaryLime: That’s what took so long. We used it all up on the way back.
Legolas: [walking a bit funny] Hey, Boromir.
Boromir: Yeah, hey. What the fuck?
Legolas: [smirking] Nothing. Just let’s do this, okay? Get it done before the next age.
//
Arsarmwen sighed. It had been twelve weeks, and they were stopped at a picturesque outcropping of rocks.
//
Legolas: [shifting in his seat] I see she hasn’t gotten that sighing problem taken care of.
Boromir: What’s a matter, Legolas? Arse a bit sore?
SugaryLime: [giggling]
Legolas: Yeah, a bit.
SugaryLime: It was great though, no?
Boromir: What was great? Tell me, damnit.
Legolas: SugaryLime’s got this thing with vegetables. Cucumbers, mostly.
Boromir: Right. Sorry I as
//
Her arm was better, thankfully. She was getting used to living on the road, which was a big relief. She had developed more leg muscles, and her shoulders felt broader and more muscular. And her sunburned skin had peeled, leaving her with a tan. Her face felt almost leathery, but that way the branches didn't cut into her skin very much.
//
SugaryLime: Ew. Just. Ew.
Legolas: She’s turning into a man!
Boromir: Maybe this won’t be so bad after
Legolas and SugaryLime: Ew.
//
But at the moment, she was miserable. She had cramps.
//
SugaryLime: Nope. Still a girl.
Boromir: Buggrit.
Legolas: Ew.
//
She gloomily watched as Boromir taught Merry and Pippin some of the basics of swordplay, and the two hobbits were laughing like mad. Boromir was occasionally giving into the laughter as well, but one could see that he was trying to actually give them some meager means of Defence.
//
SugaryLime: Basics of swordplay, eh? Sounds a bit dodgy to me.
Legolas: I won’t even go there. Not saying a word.
Boromir: Well, someone has to teach them. Why not an expert, er, swordsman like me?
Legolas: [mumbling] Expert my arse.
Boromir: What?
Legolas: Nothing. Nevermind.
//
Arsarmwen looked over to where Legolas was watching the skies. She didn't despise him like she had that first few days, but she wasn't particularly fond of him as well. For her, he was just another one of the fellowship. She would help him if he needed it, as would he for her, but she was just closer to others.
//
Les: s: Is this supposed to make me sad?
SugaryLime: I think so.
Boromir: Legolas couldn’t be sad if his best mate died in a fire.
Legolas: You act as though I’ve got no feelings.
Boromir: You don’t, you cold-hearted bastard.
Legolas: Just because I haven’t got feelings for you, doesn’t mean I haven’t got them.
Boromir: Prick.
Legolas: Yeah, I’ve got one. It’s bloody marvellous too.
Boromir and SugaryLime: I know.
Legolas: [grins]
//
She shook her head, then looked back at Boromir and the hobbits. Merry mis- blocked, and got his hand whacked with a stinger because of it.
Merry dropped his sword, and Boromir immediately apologized profusely.
//
SugaryLime: Whacked with a stin
Boromir: I have no idea.
//
Arsarmwen watched with a grin when Merry looked at the ground, his small mouth frowning in indecision. Then, with a small smile appearing on his face, he jumped forwards and kicked Boromir in the shins.
Arsarmwen laughed at the shocked expression appeared on Boromir's face, then Pippin joined the fray.
"For the shire!" Was heard as the two hobbits tackled Boromir, giggling for all they were worth.
Aragorn tried to interfere, but was quickly knocked down. Arsarmwen laughed at the rather disgruntled look on her foster-brother's face.
She looked over to where Sam and Frodo were sitting. Sam was shaking his head in obvious amusement, and Frodo was chuckling at his young cousins quietly.
//
SugaryLime: I was almost going to ask where Sam and Frodo were.
Legolas: Together, somewhere. It’s sick, really.
Boromir: So is the way you stare at Aragorn all the fucking day.
Legolas: Jealous?
Boromir: No. Oh, alright, yes. Is it a crime to want to be loved?
Legolas: Here we go.
SugaryLime: Arse-face-maiden-whatever loves you. Or she will.
Boromir: [points at Legolas] But I want him!
Legolas: Sorry, mate. You die, remember? And I can’t go and have my heart broken because you get skewered by some bas bastard.
Boromir: Aragorn dies.
Legolas: I don’t love him, you twat. He’s just good in the sack.
Boromir: You do love me!
Legolas: I do not! Now shut it or you won’t have to worry about Uruk-hai arrows. You’ll have Elvish ones to deal with.
//
"That's an fell cloud." She heard Legolas say quietly.
//
Legolas: I hope I have better grammar skills than that.
//
Gimli, who Arsarmwen had grown to respect more than she had before, just huffed impatiently. "It's just a wisp of cloud." He said gruffly.
"It's moving quickly." Aragorn observed, standing up from where he had been tackled.
"And against the wind." Boromir put in, sitting up.
A chill went down Arsarmwen's back. "There's a fell noise, like a terrible beating of wings." She said, standing up and facing the cloud.
"Crebain from Fangorn and Dunland!" Legolas cried out. "Hide!"
//
Legolas: She loves that word ‘fell’ doesn’t she?
SugaryLime: I’m actually surprised she spelt ‘crebain’ correctly.
//
A frenzy was produced from his words. Sam stamped out the fire, the hobbits hid under the rocks, Boromir climbed underneath bushes, Aragorn squeezed between a rock and the ground, Legolas his himself among the rocks, and Arsarmwen found herself roughly shoved between two rocks. She didn't know where Gandalf had hidden.
//
Legolas: We were hoping she would get stuck between the rocks, and we’d have to leave her behind.
SugaryLime: Judging by the length of this fuck-awful story, it worked so well.
Legolas: Piss off. Like you could have done better.
SugaryLime: I’d have killed the bint in the battle with the orcs, and claimed it was an accident.
Legolas: You aren’t the one who would have to deal with her in Valinor for all eternity. Not to mention Elrond of Rivindale.
Boromir: Yeah, I hear he’s a right bastard.
//
The rocks were dank and dirty, and Arsarmwen felt the chill of the rock pressed against her back. She tried to cringe away from it, but was met with a similarly cold rock to her front. The chill seemed to fill her entire being, and she had to refrain from crying out. She felt as if she was being choked, pressed together by the two unmovable stones.
//
Boromir: There were no Crebain, actually. It was just a ruse to get her between two boulders so we could squish her. Gandalf made us stop.
Legolas: He said we could use her for orc bait later, though.
SugaryLime: Oh, stop. Don’t indulge this girl’s fantasy by acting as though this really happened.
Legolas: Got to have some sort of fun.
Boro I’ I’ll show you a good time, Legolas.
Legolas: Not now. Not ever again.
Boromir: I thought we were getting on well!
Legolas: We are, it’s just that I don’t think it’ll work out in the long run.
Boromir: Why does this always happen to me?
//
She shut her forest green eyes, resting her forehead against the stone, tears welling up in her eyes. Her chest seized up, and she had to force breaths out of herself to live.
A choked sob found its way out of her throat after the Crebain were past. She fell out of her stone prison, shaking and almost crying.
//
SugaryLime: I love these random colour descriptions. Like her eyes have changed colour since leaving Rivendell. Or Rivindale, if we go by this author’s story.
Legolas: What colour eyes do you like best, Sonsy?
SugaryLime: Blue.
Boromir: Gag me.
//
She dimly heard Gandalf and Aragorn debating what to do. They couldn't go south, for that way was being watched.
//
Legolas: [as Aragorn] Should we tie her to a tree and leave her, or stuff her back between the rocks?
Boromir: [as Gandalf] Tough call, Estel. Tough call.
//
Gimli offered to take them through Moria, and Gandalf soundly refused.
"We shall make for the pass of Caradhras." She heard Gandalf say, as if a predicament of doom.
//
Legolas: He wants to go to Caradhras so he can toss the butt maiden over. I know it.
SugaryLime: Does she mean a prediction of doom, by chance?
Boromir: Gimli just wants to go through Moria because it’s dark, and he thinks he might have half a chance to get laid.
Legolas: Well, there is Gollum.
SugaryLime: That is not a mental image I needed, thankyou.
//
Arsarmwen looked up towards the formidable giant, desperately trying to dry her tears before the others found her.
Satisfied that the others wouldn't know of her fear, she stepped into their view. "I know of a guide, an elf who resides at the base of the mountain." She said, ashamed to find that her voice wobbled a bit. "There we will be able to find some hot food, suitable clothes, and a map if not a guide."
//
Legolas: Oh, fuck me. Not a new character!
Boromir: I hope he’s cute.
Legolas: And you call me a tart.
SugaryLime: Is it me, or does that last bit not make sense. ‘. . .and a map if not a guide.’ Doesn’t the guide live there? I am confused.
Legolas: It’s okay, love. I’ll help get you sorted.
Boromir: What about me?
Legolas: Go sort yourself.
Boromir: . . .
//
The men looked over at her, and Gandalf nodded at her. "That is wise, lady Arsarmwen." Boromir said formally. "Tell me, do you know the way to the residence?"
Arsarmwen nodded. "Yes." She affirmed solidly. "The guide's youngest daughter is a dear friend of mine, and I have visited them often."
"Then lead the way, Arsarmwen." Gandalf said, gesturing with his staff.
Arsarmwen nodded, picked up her pack froere ere she had stashed it, and started walking, her knees still shaking from the stone prison she had been in.
****
//
Legolas: How many times does the word ‘Arsarmwen’ appear in this bit?
Boromir: Four.
SugaryLime: Wow. We’re almost done! Just another note, and this chapter’s been put paid to!
//
So, do you like? The next chapter I'm going to go through the list of thanks again, so if I didn't thank you this time, I will next time!
-Kazlitt
//
Legolas: I can hardly contain my joy.
Boromir: She said thank you, not spank you.
Legolas: Too bad for you then, isn’t it?
SugaryLime: Enough!