Never Offend the Lady

Title: Never Offend the Lady (5/9) NC17 mpreg
Author/Email: sandyg writearts2@e...
Pairing: Elrond/Legolas, Elladan/Elrohir

Rating: NC17 mpreg

Summary: Elrond 1st person POV. All is not pregnant bliss in Rivendell. Regarding his sons can Elrond control his ancient temper? Can he deal with the beautiful yet needy ex-Prince? Can he deal with himself?

Feedback: Sure.
Content: This chapter of the Middle Earth mpreg soap opera features a little light bondage.

Disclaimer: All words and deeds are complete fiction from my
sick little old mind. Names borrowed simply for
wacky entertainment. I love them all and merely let them play under the lovely, ancient trees.

Why how perfectly lovely. Ahh, yes, it had been long eons since someone had awoken me in such a deliciously wet fashion. Ohhhhh my yessss.

Glancing around my round belly I groaned in utter satisfaction. Mmm, yes, I decided that Elladan was possibly a bigger fool than I originally thought. How could he have banished such a delightful creature from his bed?

Sensing my sudden awareness Legolas looked up, his seductive smile warming me. "Good morning, my lord."

"Yes, ha, I can feel you are trying to makequitquite an exceptional morning."

Laughing softly Legolas returned to work, his ripe lips pulling and caressing my erection. Gods, was he a natural or were my wild sons truly fine teachers? Oh, sexy Legolas was astonishing! His adoring lips and hands never ceased their relentless sweet caresses. His long graceful fingers teased my thighs, balls and belly while those ripe lips, ohh, they merrily nursed my pleased hard flesh with great skill. Excellent. Most stimulating.

No wonder my decadent sons had done nothing but amuse themselves with this eager to please beauty. I could well fall into the same disreputable habits; yes, merely lay back and let Legolas work.

I savored the delicious sensations until my hunger nudged me. Happily I released my flood into the beauty’s warm accepting mouth. After Legolas drained me my body was attacked, he devotedly kissing up my flesh to arrive at my lips. We exchanged a long hard kiss until Legolas drew back from me. "Did I please you, dear Elrond?"

"Do you usually need such assurance?" Ah, my casual question sounded cruel; yes, Legolas looked startled. "I mean you should know how perfect your mouth is but if you still need my praise then, yes, you were glorious."

Legolas still looked uncertain, his blue eyes wide with anxiety. "My lord, are you sure I didn’t do something wrong?"

"Nothing, no, young one, you were perfection itself. Please, ignore my sharp words. Now let’s go see what delights Chef has prepared for our breakfast." A small warning bell sounded in my head. This insecure beauty might prove trying on my old nerves. Instant casual praise didn’t come easily to my lips. If you knew you were good at something why did I need to praise your skill? Nonsense.

Hmm, if I was keeping Legolas it looked like I might indeed need to learn new communication habits. How annoying.

Legolas and I arrived in the brightly-lit morning room, we finding only Mithrandir at the table. Ahh, the repast flooding across the table looked marvelous. Even since I casually remarked that driedriel’s chef was extremely talented my own chef proved himself far more inventive than I thought possible. Ha, sometimes you didn’t need direct threats.

Mithrandir glanced up from his tea, his sharp gaze intensifying at seeing us together. "Ah. Well, you both look well-rested this morning."

Legolas smiled coyly, he cuddling my left arm against his round belly. "I am trying to make my dear lord Elrond feel more relaxed."

"Ha, good luck, dear lad." Mithrandir shot us a teasing smile. "Relaxed is not restless Elrond’s natural state of being."

Ha ha. Settling in I ignored Mithrandir’s teasing words. I wasn’t in the mood for a casual debate about my current emotional condition, no, not before I ate. After piling my plate with sautéed dill encrusted trout, fried apple chunks coated in mint and thick black bread smeared with sharp cheese I ate with my new eagerness. Legolas did the same. I only hoped I looked as elegant as he did; somehow Legolas could devour pounds of food and still look enticing. When I ate this heartily I certainly didn’t feel elegant, no, I felt like a wild boar rooting about the forest floor. Too bad.

My beautiful twins entered the room, both Elves staring at Legolas in pure gaping astonishment. I merely nodded in greeting, my mouth too busy chewing. Yes, time to hear more annoying bile.

Frowning harshly Elladan cast a cutting stare over Legolas. "Well la da, Legolas, I see you went from the sons straight to the sire. You’re quite the ambitions little slut, aren’t you? What, you waited all of maybe a few hours before you chose your next victim?"

Legolas’ low voice sounded tight. "I am not a slut."

Swallowing my food I stared sourly at Elladan. "Son, has anyone recently told you that you are a most irritating brat? You just never let up, do you, no, you must torment everyone within hearing distance of your endlessly annoying mouthy comments. Let me remind you that Legolas is our guest and here at Rivendell we’re usually more gracious."

Stiffening in anger Elladan sneered at me. "Please, Father, the little slut is not a guest. But it does appear he’s decided to become the family whore."

Elrohir gasped in shock, his thin fingers gripping his brother’s arm. "Elladan, take care. What new wickedness has gotten into you today?"

Stiffening in monumental rage I fixed my penultimate regal glare to Elladan’s pale beautiful face and slammed my palms flat on the table. I half rose from my seat. My hissing words chopped the bright air. "Yes, Elladan, you had best listen to your dear sensible brother. Or did you forget to whom you speak? Did you forget who is your sire? Did you forget who you are unwisely angering?"

To my surprise today my irritating son released a set-upon sigh before shaking his lovely head. "Please forgive me, Father. I... damn, I know I have been impossible. I... I feel completely at odds with everything, yes, I am totally adrift in my own sea of violent hatred. I... nothing is right in the world. Nothing."

An apology? Stunning. Good, Elladan saved me the effort of thrashing him, which would have broken my own rule about never touching my children in anger. "Well, my son, that’s a true fact but we have months to endure so I suggest you have Thertara begin mixing you sedating herbals."

Sinking into his chair Elladan shook his head again, his agitated fingers running through his long black hair. "Thertara is already supplying me with a soothing herbal but I still feel like a completely different person. I hate being pregnant, I detest it! I hate how my wonderful slender body is changing and there’s nothing I can do to control the change! I have no control over anything! I hate myself for being this... hels sws swollen thing."

Devoted Elrohir sat next to his twin, his slender arms quickly embracing Elladan. "Well I don’t hate you, my dear brother. I still adore you."

Even through my annoyance I felt compassion for my confused son. At least he was trying to communicate with me. "Elladan, we’re all feeling such emotions in different degrees but I am sad that you feel such self-loathing. That is not going to help at all. Yes, son, I feel bizarre and unnatural but I cerly dly don’t hate myself. It’s self-defeating."

Legolas slowly glanced around the table. His voice barely broke a whisper. "I... like being pregnant."

Suddenly Legolas found himself being stared at by four sets of shocked eyes.

Of course Mithrandir clapped his hands in merry delight. "Now that’s the spirit, young one! Embrace your unique condition. It’s an experience you’ll never have again so make the most out of it."

Elladan looked disgusted again, his low voice coated in scorn. "Oh please, you simpering fat fool, how can you enjoy growing so fat? You of all of us has grown so big you’re already waddling!"

Instead of caving in Legolas defiantly shook his long golden hair. "Well that’s just it! I am not growing fat; I am pregnant. I decided this last night, thanks to my dear Elrond here. I am still beautiful, skilled Legolas no matter what. Before I was seeing myself through your distorted eyes, Elladan, so I wanted to hate myself. Not any more. Now I am creating life in my male body and what’s wrong with that? There’s naught to be done so... I have decided to accept myself."

What an extraordinary young creature. How frightening; this conversation was beginning to sound positive. Next we’d all be embracing each other and crying in weepy joy. Ha, with this family? Doubtful.

Quirking my lips I sighed. "Well, that’s one attitude to adopt. Perhaps we should look to gentle Legolas for guidance."

Elrohir looked shyly around. "I’m... also starting to feel like Legolas does. I...it’s done, yes, I must accept myself or go insane."

Elladan’s harsh braying laugher hurt my ears. "Oh, you are already insane, brother. Yes, I think the lot of you have gone completely insane on me." Elladan stared at me, a wild look returning to his gray eyes. "What about you, Father? I mean you’re the Lord of Rivendell!! You’re a hero. You’re ancient, respected, yet are you going sit there and actually tell me you’re content to swell grotesquely fat with Celeborn’s mewling brat?"

Now that was a charmingly picturesque way of describing me. I almost threw my tea bowl at Elladan’s beautiful face. Controlling my limited temper I held up my right hand. "Son, I don’t sit about regarding myself in such a bleak manner. Listen, Elladan, you really must control all your negative emotions before..."

Leaping from his seat Elladan snorted in fierce disgust. "Maybe I enjoy my negative emotions. Maybe I want to feel as unhappy as I can for the next horrible swollen months just to remind myself never to be so stupid! Maybe... oh, you all make me sick." Elladan glared at us, his low voice rising hysterically. "I don’t know why I even try talking to you! You are all befuddled by your disgusting condition. I’m the only one who accepts that we’re being cruelly tortured! Now I hear you want me to accept this farce? No. Never. You are insane!" Tossing his thick black hair Elladan dramatically marched from the room.

Of course poor Elrohir raced after his hysterical lover. Yes, how fine, another meal ruined.

Drumming my strong fingers on the table I shook my long hair. "All right, now that we’ve all enjoyed that early morning drama perhaps now I can eat in peace!"

Legolas reached out to me, his cool fingers gently caressing my cheek.

I jerked away from his soothing touch.

The expected wounded look filled Legolas’ wide blue eyes but he merely smiled and returned to his eating.

Bah, I definitely needed to change my reaction to the poor young Elf. What could I say; I wasn’t used to being petted. I wasn’t a puppy.

Ah. That area looked finished.

Sitting back I examined my careful work, feeling a serene satisfaction fill my mind. I had been severely neglecting my map making. That was another reason so many people came to me, to tell me of the advancing world. New settlements, new roads... all advances, no matter how minor, were reported to me. I relished working on my maps, I finding the intricate details soothing to my ancient mind. Also creating the maps made me feel like I was still a vital part of the rapidly expanding world. I confess that some days I wondered what real function the Elves really served anymore. In a distant future I knew the Human race would rule Middle Earth. I wondered if I would still be here for the momentous event.

Well, for now I was still completely entangled in Middle Earth’s curious workings. This was one of the first days since I learned I was pregnant that I felt calm enough to concentrate on my map work. Surprising considering the drama my son treated me to during breakfast.

Yes, I must reconsider these family meals. It was my own fault; I thought since we were all enduring the same problem we should gather to communicate our fear, dreams, pain.

Wrong. This normally patient, wise Elf was ready to push Elladan into Bruinen and hold him under until he stopped squirming. Ahh, I didn’t want to hate my son because I knew his current mood wasn’t his fault. I so wanted my carefree, wicked boy back. Damn, it almost felt like Galadriel’s wicked spell somehow compromised Elladan’s body and soul. How sorrowful.

Well, hopefully Thertara could strengthen that sedating herbal. I didn’t care if he made Elladan into a happy drooling idiot; that condition had to be better than this continuous "I hate myself and the world" state of mind. I couldn’t stand it any more.

My fingers caressed my own round swell. No, I certainly didn’t hate myself. If there was anyone I hated it was Galadriel for being such a vindictive, ill-humored bitch.

And on some days I wasn’t positive about my Celeborn.

A gentle tapping sounded at the door. I frowned in instant annoyance. Everyone knew better than to disturb me during my map making. Ah, everyone except sweet, over-concerned Legolas. Sigh.

"Yes?"

The door cracked open, Legolas’ beautiful face appearing in the narrow gap. "Elrond? You missed lunch."

Had I? Yes, it was well past the lunch hour; obviously my relentless hunger was calm this afternoon. "I was involved with my work."

Legolas instantly sounded worried. "Oh, I’m sorry for disturbing you. I..."

"No, hold, come in." Remember, Elrond, be pleasant and kind to the young beauty. Yes, that effort took work but learning new habits was a positive sign that I wasn’t a hidebound ancient Elf. I could do this, yes, I could be gentle.

Legolas entered, his wide eyes suspiciously red-rimmed. By the Gods what had happened now? Standing next to me Legolas peered down at my map. "Elrond, it’s lovely. You are so skilled. Even F-F-Father uses your intricate maps."

I smiled mockingly. "So does my favorite Lady Galadriel so I know these maps are perfect."

A tiny smile curved Legolas’ full lips. "I know when I was very young I adored looking at maps and imagining traveling to all those distant places. Life seemed so simple yet exciting."

"Well, we certainly still have exciexcitement but not the simplicity, eh?"

"Not at all."

I noticed Legolas made no move to touch me. Reaching out I slowly traced four fingers along his curved belly, feeling his delicious warmth seep from under the thin pale green silk. Hmm, why was he still wearing the same robe from last evening? "When you were young I dare say you never dreamed of something like this happening to you."

"Carrying a child? Ha, never." Just as I thought; the second I touched Legolas his graceful fingers began teasing through my long hair. "Do you want any lunch? I could bring it up to you."

"You’re not a retainer here, Legolas."

Legolas shot me a teasing smile. "Very well, my dear Elrond. If you want food I shall have someone else bring it up to you."

"That’s better. But you can sit with me as I eat." There, that was quite kind of me.

"Thank you, my dear lord." Legolas hesitated then he bit his ripe lower lip. "Elrond, I... have a major favor to ask of you."

"What would that be?"

To my confusion Legolas barely stammered out his next words. "I... need to... ask permission to use your... tailor."

What was so daunting about using my tailor? "You need not ask permission, Legolas. He is a resource for you to make use of while you live here. Beside, you have used him before for your new robes so why do you ask?"

Now Legolas twisted his slender fingers together, he looking embarrassed. "Well, I need... all new clothing."

"What? Why? What happened to yours?"

Legolas tucked his pointed chin to his chest, his structured lips tightening in acute distress. Instead of looking at me his wide eyes suddenly examined the map on the table.

By Sauron’s Butchered Hand no. A long disgusted groan ripped from my throat. "Please don’t tell me Elladan..."

Darting a glance at my angry face Legolas nodded slowly.

"What the hell did my willful brat do now?"

"He... slashed my clothing to shreds. When I went to collect my belongings from their room I found my clothing tossed all about, sliced into rags. They were all across their room, down the stairs, even in the tree branches. He ruined everything I owned." Legolas’ full lips pressed tight. I sensed he tried controlling his fresh tears.

Damn, damn, damn.

Sniffing Legolas lost his new battle, those wet tears flowing down his high sculpted cheeks.

After staring at him in helpless dismay I rose, gathering his round warmth close against my own. The poor young Elf’s quiet weeping near flooded my shoulder.

By the Old God’s Blood if I actually survived the next three months without either going mad or throwing someone into my seldom used confinement chamber it would be a triumphant miracle. Yes, it would be a bigger miracle than men having children.

My twins wisely didn’t eat dinner with us. Smart lads.

But to my dismay that night I felt too furious to test out Legolas’ tonal range. My tense body refused to follow my aching need. How embarrassing. I felt like an useless old Elf.

Legolas desperately tried relaxing me but after I assured him, with my newfound wonderful kindness, that my problem had nothing to do with him we simply curled together in my bed. At least simply being close to Legolas soothed me. I found solace by caressing his soft golden hair.

As blessed sleep finally clouded my brain I heard a choked shriek echo in the still night air. What the hell? Leaping from the bed I staggered, my heavy belly compromising my balance. Now that problem heightened my annoyance. My fingers grabbed my black bed robe. Tossing the light material around my shoulders I swiftly unsheathed my slender sword.

"Elrond? What..."

I waved a stern hand toward my wide-eyed beauty. "Stay here, Legolas."

The pathetic noise echoed again. That voice sounded like one of my sons! What was going on?

Someone please tell me why did I design this beautiful complex with so many damned stairs and levels? Hauling my new weight around all these stairs was irritating. Concerned guards joined me, I controlling my deep wheezing once I reached my sons’ door. Without thinking I slammed my broad shoulder into the door, once, twice, the wood surrendering to me on my third determined try.

I burst in and instantly halted.

Well, at my ancient age I never thought I’d still feel embarrassed by anything I saw but this peculiar sight came close.

A naked Elladan mockingly grinned at me. "Father? Hello, care to join us?"

Whirling away I quickly pulled the door shut and turned back to the anxious guards. "It’s all right, they’re just... look, everything is fine. Thank you all for being so alert." How surprising; my newfound kindness extended to my guards. I was learning.

I received the usual respectful bows and salutes mixed with slightly shocked glances. Yes, go ahead, look at my big naked belly pushing free from my undone bed robe. Go back and tell the entire world about the astonishing sight. Tell them you saw the fat pregnant Elf Lord naked.

Once my guards left me alone I leaagaiagainst the door, my powerful fingers gripping my sword. No, old one, best lean the sword by the railing before you opened the door again.

If Elladan taunted me again it might be better not to have a sharp weapon in my hand. My newfound kindness did not extend to my son. No, not at all. Especially not this second.

Steeling myself I reopened the door. Elladan glanced over at me, his long fingers playfully rubbing his graceful round belly. "Father, please, are you staying or just peeking? All this commotion is very distracting."

I somehow kept from bellowing in raw fury. "Look, my insane sons, I am a tolerant father, yes, the Gods know I have been entirely too tolerant with you both. If you want to act like rutting animals 24 hours a day so be it. But I refuse to have my rest disturbed by your nocturnal stunts! I will not tolerate such rude nonsense!"

Elladan looked falsely contrite. "Oh, so sorry Father. Naughty Elrohir promised he didn’t need a gag but I suppose I proved him wrong."

Elrohir gazed over at me, a sheepish expression on his beautiful face. His long black hair was pushed forward over his slight shoulders, the lengths tangled fetchingly around his face. "I’m sorry, Father. I was trying not to make noise but Elladan hit me more forcefully than I’m used to. I’m usually good about crying out but he’s in such a foul mood that he made me react."

I could only blink.

The usual refrain darted through my mind; where did these two perverted sons come from?

I had to ask. "Elrohir, are you doing this... this act of your own free will?"

Elrohir quickly nodded, he uttering a soft little laugh. "Yes, Father. I know you can never understand but... this is fine with me. I know my dear Elladan needs to control something so I am here for him."

Elladan managed to look hurt. "Father, you know I love Elrohir. I’d never really hurt him."

Oh really? My wide shocked eyes studied my son hanging by his slender wrists from the frame supporting the bed’s dark green velvet canopy. Slashing pink stripes marred his perfect pale back and ass; yes, Elladan had drawn blood. Even though he was bound Elrohir looked oddly relaxed. His stretched painful position made his hard round belly look all the more obvious, his hanging weight creating a hard curve under his taut skin.

Yes, Elrohir was correct; I would never understand the bizarre relationship between these two lads.

Elladan lovingly ran his fingers over the thin whip cradled in his hand. "Care to see how it feels, Father?" Smiling coyly he held the whip out to me.

My tense voice emerged in a low, feral snarl. "Don’t taunt me, you wicked brat. Don’t taunt me. If I take that whip I’ll use it across your beautiful face."

"Now, now, that’s not playing nicely." Turning he lightly smacked at Elrohir’s back. Arching his neck back Elrohir twitched in mute pleasure. "Now that, Father, is playing nicely."

My hands curled into fists.

Turning away I fled the room. Wait. Hold on.

I leaned back in. Before Elladan opened his mouth I pointed at him. "One last message; leave Legolas alone. He’s under my protection now so if you even look at him wrong I’ll act. Do you understand me?"

Elladan’s beautiful pale face went completely blank. A swift expression of odd pain danced through his wide gray eyes befhe bhe bowed low. "I hear and obey, Father."

Hmm, sounded like Elladan actually paid heed to me. Excellent.

A last whispered remark floated toward me. "I also hear that you now favor him over me."

A sharp hard laugh rattled my throat. "Please don’t turn all self-pitying on me. You’ll only make me nauseous. Good night. Don’t wake me again."

After I slammed the door again I retrieved my sword. Where the hell did I go wrong with those two? Gods, I hoped the child I carried within me proved a little more normal. Although what chance did he or, oh Gods, she have with older siblings like my twins around as wild influences?

Gaah. A female? That event would be frightening. A damaged thought embedded itself in my mind; did Galadriel also influence the sex of these children? Ha, now that would be the final crowning touch; have us all bear female children. Gods, what did I know about raising sweet little lasses? Please, what did I know about raising babies?

I almost tripped up the stairs. Suddenly I was in great need of Legolas’ gentle comforting.

What bothered me even more deeply was that seeing my pregnant sons at play actually excited me. They were both so damned beautiful, so sleek, so... gloriously pregnant. Yes, maybe they did really come from a part of me long denied to even myself.

I shuddered in revulsion. I’d never tell Elladan that news. Ha, I knew I’d be the one swinging the whip.