Sex, Drugs, and Orcish Theatre
folder
-Multi-Age › General
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
43
Views:
2,021
Reviews:
4
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Currently Reading:
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Category:
-Multi-Age › General
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
43
Views:
2,021
Reviews:
4
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
I do not own the Lord of the Rings (and associated) book series, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
Women, Bloody Women
Chapter 5
Celeborn was drunk and quite hideously at that. He'd accused Galadriel of trying it on with Elrond and she had slapped him, then stormed off with Elrond after all that. Then she returned looking fed up with Elrond who had clearly spurned her. He soon appeared, relieved albeit mildly terrified that his mother-in-law had tried to stick her hand up his robe. She then proceeded to get drunk and start dancing on tables, causing Celeborn to grab a bottle of wine and stagger off towards some trees.
"Women, bloody fucking women," slurred Celeborn, inadvertently bouncing off a couple of trees as he followed some non-existent path through the woods. "Fucking women. I'm fucking lost in my own bloody realm. Bitches... ALL OF THE- AAAARGGH!!" Celeborn tripped over an exposed root and toppled over into a hollow, landing on the half naked bodies of Aragorn and Haldir caught in an intense embrace. He was still clutching his bottle of wine, which had broken during his fall.
"Shit! Celeborn!!" gasped Haldir, suddenly face to face with his lord brandishing a broken wine bottle at him.
"Argh! It's not what you think, Lord Celeborn!!" simpered Aragorn, suddenly sober with guilt. He edged away, grabbed his discarded clothes and ducked behind a tree.
Celeborn tried to focus on Haldir, then smiled. "Haldir!!! You know... I... appreciate you... SO MUCH... and I never say... urgh..." Celeborn rolled off Haldir onto the ground. He manato gto get to his knees and then promptly vomited.
"Eeew..." Haldir edged away from the chunder, wondering what precisely he had done to deserve all this.
"" y" yelled Aragorn, leaping out from seemingly nowhere and smacking Celeborn in the head with a branch. Celeborn blinked, then collapsed face down in his own stomach contests.
"Aragorn? What the hell??" cried Haldir, pulling Celeborn up and dragging him away.
"NO! Let me finish him off!!! He'll tell Elrond!!!" gasped Aragorn desperately.
"Aragorn... I cannot stress this enough... YOU CANNOT KILL CELEBORN!" snapped Haldir, lying Celeborn on his side.
"But he'll talk! And I'll be a dead man!!"
"Hmm... Argh, he reeks!" groaned Haldir. "We should take him back and clean him up... Oooh! I think I have a truly cunning plan! Help me carry him back to mine," said Haldir, grabbing Celeborn's shoulders.
"Why? Are you in league with him?" Aragorn brandished his branch menacingly and glared distrustfully at Haldir.
"No, you daft mortal, I am NOT. Just do what I say. We'll compromise his reputation thereby saving yours. Now pick up his legs!"
Aragorn clung to his branch then decided to help Haldir.
"Just don't yell at me anymore, promise?" simpered Aragorn.
Haldir sighed. "Fine, I won't yell at you anymore. You're a lovely man and extremely hot for one of your ilk."
The flattery worked. Aragorn's face lit up and he hurried over to assist Haldir
Celeborn was drunk and quite hideously at that. He'd accused Galadriel of trying it on with Elrond and she had slapped him, then stormed off with Elrond after all that. Then she returned looking fed up with Elrond who had clearly spurned her. He soon appeared, relieved albeit mildly terrified that his mother-in-law had tried to stick her hand up his robe. She then proceeded to get drunk and start dancing on tables, causing Celeborn to grab a bottle of wine and stagger off towards some trees.
"Women, bloody fucking women," slurred Celeborn, inadvertently bouncing off a couple of trees as he followed some non-existent path through the woods. "Fucking women. I'm fucking lost in my own bloody realm. Bitches... ALL OF THE- AAAARGGH!!" Celeborn tripped over an exposed root and toppled over into a hollow, landing on the half naked bodies of Aragorn and Haldir caught in an intense embrace. He was still clutching his bottle of wine, which had broken during his fall.
"Shit! Celeborn!!" gasped Haldir, suddenly face to face with his lord brandishing a broken wine bottle at him.
"Argh! It's not what you think, Lord Celeborn!!" simpered Aragorn, suddenly sober with guilt. He edged away, grabbed his discarded clothes and ducked behind a tree.
Celeborn tried to focus on Haldir, then smiled. "Haldir!!! You know... I... appreciate you... SO MUCH... and I never say... urgh..." Celeborn rolled off Haldir onto the ground. He manato gto get to his knees and then promptly vomited.
"Eeew..." Haldir edged away from the chunder, wondering what precisely he had done to deserve all this.
"" y" yelled Aragorn, leaping out from seemingly nowhere and smacking Celeborn in the head with a branch. Celeborn blinked, then collapsed face down in his own stomach contests.
"Aragorn? What the hell??" cried Haldir, pulling Celeborn up and dragging him away.
"NO! Let me finish him off!!! He'll tell Elrond!!!" gasped Aragorn desperately.
"Aragorn... I cannot stress this enough... YOU CANNOT KILL CELEBORN!" snapped Haldir, lying Celeborn on his side.
"But he'll talk! And I'll be a dead man!!"
"Hmm... Argh, he reeks!" groaned Haldir. "We should take him back and clean him up... Oooh! I think I have a truly cunning plan! Help me carry him back to mine," said Haldir, grabbing Celeborn's shoulders.
"Why? Are you in league with him?" Aragorn brandished his branch menacingly and glared distrustfully at Haldir.
"No, you daft mortal, I am NOT. Just do what I say. We'll compromise his reputation thereby saving yours. Now pick up his legs!"
Aragorn clung to his branch then decided to help Haldir.
"Just don't yell at me anymore, promise?" simpered Aragorn.
Haldir sighed. "Fine, I won't yell at you anymore. You're a lovely man and extremely hot for one of your ilk."
The flattery worked. Aragorn's face lit up and he hurried over to assist Haldir