Pen-Estel

When Legolas woke later that day, he was confused at first by the strange surroundings. Yet he remembered what he had done all too soon, when he realised that the soft bed he was lying on smelled like the herbal soaps Elrond liked to use.

For a moment he was afraid that he would start to weep again, but he could force the tears back this time. They would change nothing now – the harm was done already.

He swallowed, and then pushed himself up. Elrond was no longer next to him... Maybe he was in the bathroom, or maybe he had had work waiting for him. Legolas was almost glad that he was alone now, so that he could think, but there was a small part of him that wished for the comfort Elrond’s embrace had brought.

Resolutely, he stood. He would not think about Elrond or Glorfindel now, there were even more important things... like his son. Elrond had said that Gîlríon would be brought to one of his rooms, and by now, he should be hungry again.

Legolas grabbed the nearest item of clothing he could find and wrapped it around himself, not caring that it was one of Elrond’s robes, before he set himself to the task of looking through all of Elrond’s rooms to find either the Lord, or his child.

He didn’t have to go far to find Gîlríon after all; his child had been put into a smaller room adjoining Elrond’s bedroom, and he was already awake. Legolas hurried to him, feeling disconcerted to have been separated from him. Even though Glorfindel insisted on Gîl sleeping separately to them, at least Legolas always knew where he was, and would always know if Gîl was crying for him.

Now he hurried to the cot that had been placed in the otherwise empty room. It was bare in here, and already Legolas was compiling a mental list of things he wanted Gîl to have brought from their rooms. He gathered the too-long robes around him so that they didn’t trip him up, and took a wonderfully deep, relieved breath when he held his child in his arms again. Gîlríon made a demanding sound, and Legolas giggled, but it sounded almost like a sob.

“I know,” he soothed. “I am late now, and you are hungry,” he said as he walked slowly back into Elrond’s room with Gîl in his arms, already pulling the material to one side so that his child could feed. He sat on the bed, letting the robe fall down around his shoulders. “I missed you,” he sighed. Gîl said nothing, only made a contented sound that was almost a purr, and Legolas smiled suddenly. “You are like your father!” Then his smile vanished as quickly as it had appeared, and he thought with uncertainty about what the future held now.

He was so engrossed in watching Gîlríon, that he never felt Elrond join him on the bed, and so he nearly jumped when he felt arms embracing him from behind. Elrond brushed his hair away from his neck, and Legolas allowed it, still staring resolutely down at Gîl. He imagined the mornings he and Glorfindel shared, and expected a bite, but it didn’t come. Instead, Elrond kissed his neck lightly, moving his lips rapidly over the skin so that Legolas sighed and tilted his head to give Elrond better access.

“I will leave you now, Legolas,” he said softly, and Elrond’s voice tickled his ear so that he laughed and moved away despite himself. Then he turned to look up at the Lord. Immediately those lips were on his, and although it was gentle, that same demand was there, and Legolas didn’t need urging this time. He kissed Elrond back, so that when they parted, it was Elrond who retreated from him. He waved an arm towards the windows.

“The gardens are yours to roam with Gîl. Would you like them to be private? I can arrange it so that you will not be disturbed.” Legolas nodded, surprised again at his seeming thoughtfulness. Is it real, he wondered, or am I seeing what I want to see? What I need to see… a voice whispered. It was the same voice that kept reminding him of Glorfindel.

“Thank you, my Lord,” he said, staring wistfully towards the window. It had truly been far too long since he had last had any amount of time to spend alone, outside... After the birth of Gîlríon, their child’s demands had kept him occupied, and Glorfindel had always been with them as well. Yet he missed the quiet forest of his birth, more than he had realised until now... Spending some time outside, with Gîl in his arms, was just what he needed.

“Just wait until you are older, and I can teach you how to climb a tree,” he said affectionately, watching his son still greedily suckling after Elrond had left. “If I will still be allowed to see you, that is...” He sighed, feeling the sadness well up in him again. But he refused to give in this time – Gîlríon would just be upset if he started to cry. Instead, once his child had finished, he dressed and took a blanket with him, before he set out to explore Elrond’s garden. It was beautiful – too orderly perhaps for a Woodelf like Legolas, who was used to the wildness of the Greenwood, yet this garden with its many flowers and carefully planted trees had its own allure.

Legolas spread out his blanket beneath the branches of an old oak. The ground was soft and mossy there, and covered with small, yellow primroses wherever he looked. “Look, Gîl – golden flowers! Just like your father’s-“

He stopped, staring at a tiny blossom. Had even nature decided to remind him of his guilt now? Or maybe it was rather he himself who could not stop tormenting himself...

He closed his eyes and hugged Gîl close. “I will try, I promise you that,” he said softly. “I’ll do whatever it takes, I’ll plead, or kneel if that is what he wants, but I promise that I’ll try to be allowed to spend time with you. I won’t be a coward in this, Gîl, I promise!”

Much later, when he was resting in Elrond’s bed again, waiting for the Lord to return, and Gîl was happily asleep just through the semi-open door, he remembered the golden flowers, and tears filled his eyes. He had wondered for a long time what to do about waiting for Elrond to come back to his rooms, and decided in the end that he should wait for Elrond as he had waited for Glorfindel.

When he had brought Gîl back inside earlier, he had found lunch waiting for him. And similarly, when evening arrived, a quiet servant had brought dinner for him. Now it seemed there was nothing to do but wait, and the more time passed, the sleepier Legolas became, until he drifted off without even realising it.

It was much later when he awoke, he could tell that from the shadows the moonlight cast on the wall. And he wasn’t alone. Elrond lay with him, and it took a moment for Legolas to realise that the Lord was asleep. Why hadn’t Elrond woken him? The Lord of Imladris held him in his sleep, much like Glorfindel did – but there was a difference. While with Glorfindel, it felt as though his embrace was a safe place as well as a kind of prison; this felt different. Elrond’s arm was thrown over his chest, so that he could loosely clasp Legolas’ hand. In his sleep, Elrond moved closer, but only to rest his head against Legolas’ shoulder – and then he knew what the difference was.

Elrond wasn’t being possessive in his sleep, but affectionate. Legolas smiled then, forgetting to wonder why Elrond had let him sleep. Affection. Was it possible? But it was true. Legolas curled his other arm around the Lord to hold him close, and Elrond smiled in his sleep. He didn’t know when he fell asleep again, but when he awoke to the morning light, it was with a moan on his lips.

Already Elrond was awake, and touching him, preparing him, he realised with a shock. He wished he could be indignant, but it felt so good! And he knew that if he had slept a while longer, then Elrond would have claimed him in sleep. He moaned again at the thought, relaxed and warm as the desire began to burn.

“Are you awake now, Legolas?“ Elrond asked softly, his breath hot and intimate against his ear. Legolas trembled at the sensation and moaned again. He knew that he was betraying Glorfindel, he knew... but oh, Elrond’s touch felt so good! So much pleasure, and it was all for him – he would not even need to beg for it!

“Please!” he breathed nevertheless, or maybe even because of it, “it is enough, I am ready...”

Elrond’s mouth was back at his throat, pressing little kisses wherever he could reach, and Legolas sighed and reached back to thread his fingers through Elrond’s hair.

He gasped once, when he was breached by Elrond’s hardened shaft, but there had been enough oil, and so there was no pain at all. Elrond whispered an endearment into his ear, and he smiled and moved back against the Lord, encouraging him to take him more forcefully.

Yet even now, Elrond stayed gentle, and Legolas finally relaxed and gave himself over to Elrond, allowing the Lord to set the pace and bring them both nothing but pleasure.

“Ai,” Legolas sighed, barely aware that he was voicing his thoughts, “is this what it is like? Making love?”

Elrond stopped then, just briefly, but before Legolas could wonder about it, he started moving again, and it was so wonderful! He moaned, letting the pleasure take him where it would, knowing that he didn’t have to hold back with the Lord of Imladris.

“Not quite,” Elrond answered indulgently, not meaning to hurt him, but he realised he knew what Elrond was trying to say. It hurt to hear it though, his hope had come without telling him, and now it was shattered.

“I’m sorry,” he said quietly on an outward breath that was more like a sigh, feeling cold and as though the moment was ruined for him. Yet it wasn’t Elrond’s fault… it was his. The Lord laughed then, and Legolas felt even worse, but then he pulled away to turn Legolas around in his arms.

“You are so starved for affection you would confuse consideration with love!” he exclaimed. Then he smiled, as if at a memory. “Legolas, love is far more than this. And to make love is just an expression of it.” He was confused by Elrond’s words, but the Lord elaborated for him.

“I take you because I miss the closeness… but not because I miss Celebrían. Do you understand what I am trying to say?” Legolas nodded slowly.

“I think so,” he said sadly, and Elrond smiled again.

“One day you will know it, and then you might find it in your heart to forgive me.” That brought Legolas around to thinking, and he thought that he might never get another chance to ask… so he took it.

“Why, then? Why did you do this to me?” Elrond looked away guiltily, but Legolas felt able to continue with his questioning in a way he couldn’t with Glorfindel. He would never know why Glorfindel had treated him in such a way… but Elrond? And he had to know. He had to know if it was his fault. “He will blame me,” he pursued, trying to make Elrond look at him again, “and you know he will.”

“I didn’t mean to,” Elrond admitted, and then sighed. “I kissed you, and you were just what I expected. Frightened, easy to exploit, and submissive.” Legolas swallowed, hearing this awful description, but he knew it was true. He was all of those things. “But then you moaned, and I…” His voice trailed off, and he looked at Legolas as though he were willing him to understand. “You wanted it too,” he said with certainty.

Did he? Had he brought all this on himself? It was too awful to contemplate, but he knew that what Elrond said was true. He had moaned during that first kiss. He hated himself then, and wished he could be someone else, and it didn’t help when Elrond covered his body and once more took him, picking up where he had left off. It felt so good, and he couldn’t help responding to it, and inviting it. No, this was not because he had no choice at all. This was because he wanted it too, just as much as Elrond did.

He moaned, just like he had then, and closed his eyes. He should never have spoken – it would have been better never to realise this truth. The pleasure was still there, but the warmth was gone, that wonderful, warm feeling that he might have taken for love, if Elrond had not made him see the truth.

There was no more hope now... Elrond’s words had taken even the comfort of dreams from him. He might have made himself believe that he loved Elrond in time – it would not have been hard at all. Elrond was so different from all that he had ever known, and what he called mere consideration seemed to Legolas truly like a proof of affection so great it might equal love.

Yet that was not so – he had been told that Elrond held no love for him. Did Elrond then just play with him after all? Consideration... it was a strange word, and Legolas felt confused, and even hurt by it. It seemed so detached, and yet he would have sworn that there was some emotion in Elrond’s eyes...

“If it is not love... is it at least affection?” he asked a little desperately. “Or was it just convenience? Because I was there, and because I was beautiful, sweet, easy... all those things a prince should not be?”

He blushed a little at that last part, but he persevered, wanting to know that he didn’t imagine it all. He needed something that wasn’t cold, needed it so much that he would do anything for it. But Elrond didn’t answer him straight away, and Legolas soon forgot his question himself, when he felt Elrond taking him more forcefully at last, making him cry out in pleasure.

It wasn’t until it was over, and they were resting in each other’s arms both feeling that tired but pleasant satisfaction, that Legolas remembered, and he looked at Elrond in a puzzled way. If there was nothing here, then why did Elrond still touch him even now? Why did he seem to want Legolas to stay close to him? Why did he sigh when Legolas kissed him?

He was on the verge of asking the question again when Elrond spoke. “Yes, there is affection.” He broke off to give Legolas a quick kiss. They were lying in front of each other, staring into each other’s eyes, and suddenly Legolas smiled. He saw Elrond answer his smile, and embraced him happily. It wasn’t so cold here.

“I miss this sometimes… being close to another afterwards,” Elrond mused softly, and Legolas understood what he meant. It felt nice to rest here – he had realised as much for himself before, but that thought brought his thoughts about Glorfindel to mind again. Would he ever rest like this in Glorfindel’s arms?

“I miss Glorfindel,” Legolas sighed unhappily. He looked at Elrond, and the Lord seemed so upset by his words that Legolas feared he had broken some rule. “I’m sorry,” he said then, in some confusion, but Elrond didn’t smile or laugh at him.

“No… I am sorry, pen neth,” he said with a regretful sigh. He looked as though he was going to say something else, but then his expression cleared, and he only gathered Legolas close into his arms. “We will just have to see what time brings us.”

Legolas nodded, but did not speak, and they continued to rest in peaceful silence for a long moment, watching the sunlight gradually grow stronger and warmer. Finally, with another sigh, Elrond sat up. “I think we both need a bath now – and then, after breakfast, I will have to leave you again. What do you feel like doing today? Do you want to walk in my gardens again?”

Legolas nodded. It was enjoyable to be outside, without having to worry about being harassed by somebody, and there was nothing else he could do anyway, apart maybe from staying in Elrond’s rooms and reading. Yet he had already done so much reading during his pregnancy, and Elrond’s gardens truly were beautiful... “The sunshine and the air will be good for Gîl,” he said, thinking of the beautiful place where they had rested yesterday. “And maybe - if you have the time, that is – we could have lunch there, outside? It seems to be a beautiful day, and you should not waste all of it with your counsellors!”

He flushed a little, as he was well aware that his words were close to pleading once more. Still, it was the truth, he did get lonely and bored with nobody but his child for company, and he did not want to spend another day doing nothing but wait for the Lord until he fell asleep.

“But,” he then added, feeling shy all of a sudden when Elrond did not answer immediately, “I can understand if you cannot find the time, and maybe you would allow me to take one of your books? I promise I will be careful with them.”

But then Elrond turned to face him, and his smile was all the answer Legolas needed. “Thank you, pen neth, that sounds wonderful,” he said, the warmth coming through in his words too, so that Legolas couldn’t help but embrace him. “I will bring lunch with me, and attempt to find you both, then.”

So saying, he stood up and began walking to the bathroom, but then paused and waited for Legolas to join him. It made Legolas nervous to be here again, the bath had been filled already – perhaps when he was asleep – and he couldn’t help remembering the last bath he had taken together with the Lord. He hesitated on the threshold of the small room almost in fear, but then Elrond came up behind him.

“Don’t worry,” he said with an intimate little laugh. “You don’t have to be clean that way this time.” Legolas relaxed then, and walked into the bathroom with Elrond behind him. “Of course,” Elrond continued as he shut the door gently, “that doesn’t mean I won’t find some way to make you moan again…”

Legolas blushed, but readily climbed into the bath, already taking a soap into his hand in anticipation. “Shall I wash you first, my Lord?” he said teasingly. “Or do you only intend to make us dirty again?”

“You may wash me first,” Elrond allowed magnanimously, and Legolas giggled a little, but reached for Elrond’s hair as soon as the Lord joined him in the water. “I fear that I fully intend to make you sweaty again, but that will wash off.”

“How do you plan to achieve that?” Legolas asked, feeling both a real curiosity, as well as a strange, excited playfulness. He did not get to feel playful around Glorfindel very often – in most cases, it was Glorfindel who played with him! And he thought he rather enjoyed feeling like this, so relaxed and open, without a reason to fear punishment, even if he dared to overstep the limits of his position.

“Less questions, and more tender, careful attention to my hair, please!” Elrond chastised loftily, punctuating his words with a splash of water that hit Legolas’ cheek. He wiped a hand down his face, and smiled. He did pay attention to Elrond’s hair after that, but when the time came to rinse it off, the last bit of water just happened to go in the wrong direction.

“Oh! I am so sorry, my Lord!” he said with a giggle as Elrond wiped at his eyes. But then he yelped when Elrond quickly grabbed him and pulled him into the water, dousing him so that he was wet through. He came up gasping for air, and laughing, literally throwing himself into Elrond’s arms in an attempt to get as much water on him as possible.

Soon, though, he found that Elrond had him completely under control – he couldn’t move so much as a muscle, and he wondered breathlessly what would happen next. Elrond dipped one hand into the water, and brought it up to the same level as Legolas’ chest.

“Oh, no!” he cried out, beginning to twist uselessly in Elrond’s arms, suddenly seeing what Elrond was going to do. Elrond laughed, a little evilly, and flicked some of the water at him. It missed. Legolas giggled in relief at Elrond’s misjudgement, but then became quiet again when Elrond’s hand dipped back below the surface of the water. He watched it all, watched Elrond preparing to flick the water at his nipple, and he struggled in the Lord’s arms. The anticipation was unbearable! But Elrond only laughed at him again.

“Stay still! Then I will get you!” he ordered, and that only made Legolas struggle more.

“No!” he almost shouted, but Elrond waited until he calmed down, and he stared at Elrond’s hand, wanting to laugh but hardly daring to breathe, just waiting… He squeaked when it hit this time, in exactly the right place, and Elrond laughed deeply before ducking down to kiss him there.

Legolas moaned, then shook his head when Elrond leaned back and once again dipped his hand into the water. “Ai, no more, my Lord! Please! I surrender!” he declared breathlessly, then yelped when the Lord did not listen and teased his other nipple in just the same way.

Elrond chuckled, and Legolas felt warmed throughout his entire body by the affection that was now plain to see in the Lord’s eyes. He thought that, without their earlier conversation, he might have talked of love now, because this feeling was so beautiful, so warm, all he had ever dreamed of – but if this was merely affection, then what must actual love feel like? Legolas wistfully wondered if he would ever get to experience it for himself, yet he could not stay pensive for long in a situation like this.

Before Elrond could start another attack, he finally managed to wriggle out of his grasp. But instead of initiating another water-fight, he all but threw himself at Elrond, embracing him tightly so that he would not be able to torment him with water again, and also because he truly felt like embracing him now.

“Thank you!” he said, smiling brilliantly. “I do not know when the last time was that I felt like this – I do not think I have ever had such fun!” He sighed happily then, and affectionately rested his cheek on Elrond’s shoulder.

He moved a little to get comfortable, and suddenly realised that Elrond was aroused again, but it didn’t scare him, and he deliberately moved against the Lord a little, wanting something he still couldn’t bring himself to ask for.

He sighed happily when Elrond reached around to make sure he was relaxed enough, the oil and release earlier still provided enough lubrication so that it wouldn’t hurt. And then Elrond encouraged him to move upwards a little, pulling him back down so that he impaled himself on Elrond’s shaft, gasping at the sensation of being taken again, so soon.

At Elrond’s gentle guidance he began to raise himself up, and then back down, while Elrond licked at his sensitive nipples, chuckling to himself every time the movement of his tongue made Legolas moan. He wanted to pleasure the Lord though, and when Elrond groaned in enjoyment too, Legolas was overjoyed.

He worked harder to make Elrond find pleasure, until the combination of the hot water and exercise did the trick, and he was indeed hot and sweaty, just as Elrond had promised. But still he couldn’t stop, beginning to feel the call of his own orgasm now, and he moved faster with his hands on Elrond’s shoulders, as though he were chasing a dream.

He whimpered when Elrond pulled him down and stopped him from anymore, only to moan again when he felt the Lord thrust up into him, making him take it all, and it wasn’t long before Legolas cried out in pleasure, oblivious to the rest as Elrond finally came inside him.

After that it was a hurried business to get clean and dressed – Elrond was already late. Breakfast was waiting for them outside the bathroom, and that too was hasty and rushed. Too soon, Legolas found himself alone with Gîl again, who had now woken and demanded to be fed. But it wasn’t so bad. At least now he had lunch to look forward to, he thought with a happy smile as he watched his son.