Knocking At Heaven's Door

Title: Knocking At Heaven's Door
Author: Emmess
Rating: NC17
Warnings: Everything I can think of without being overly gross and offensive.
Pairings: Almost every Elf in Arda
Disclaimer: I do not own anything even remotely associated with Tolkien's universe, and actually…very little of anything else.
Summery: Ever wonder what happens to fanfic writers after they die? Would heaven be heaven without Elves and sex? Um…no. No, it wouldn't.

Chapter 5

They Don't Sell THAT In Sears…

Haldir hadn't relinquished his hold on my hand, and I realized that the haughty Elf had no intention of doing so in the immediate future.

Arrogance…he must buy it by the gallon.

Eventually, as the sun set (yes, the sun rises and sets in Heaven because I happen to like sunrises and sunsets - please don't make me break out into song at this particular moment in time) and the darkness grew, I could see bright, sparkling lights twinkling through the mallorn leaves.

As we stepped out of the forest, I gaped at the sight before me. Never would I have pictured Caras Galadhon to look like this - Never.

"Yes, you would," Rumil said from over my left shoulder. "You thought of this just a couple of weeks before you died. I know…I looked it up."

"Looked it up?" I asked, momentarily distracted from the sight before me.

"Of course…how do you think we got all of this ready in time? Do you know how many Elf-hours went into designing this place? The union was up in arms over it!" Orophin put in, from over my right shoulder.

I turned around to look at them both. "You belong to a union?"

"Union of Lorien Elves, Local 69."

Rumil reached out with one finger to close my gaping mouth. "She does this quite often…I've told her she looks like a fish, but she does it anyway."

Looking up at Haldir, I asked, "Where do you go to look stuff like this up? Do you mean that there's really a giant book somewhere with everything I've done and thought written in it?"

"No, don't be silly - that would take volumes. It's all on microfilm."

"And DVD's. Those are fun to watch," Rumil chuckled.

I blushed thinking of the Elves passing a quiet night in a talan, sitting on the sofa, eating popcorn and watching my most embarrassing moments on DVD. In widescreen.

Haldir gave my arm a slight tug, and I realized that he wanted to keep moving. I resolved to question the three of them later for more details on these DVD's…more specifically, I wanted to know if I could get access to anyone else's DVD's. There was a bunch of people that I'd love to have gotten the dirt on.

Turning my attention back to Caras Galadhon, I vaguely remembered a plot bunny I had had a while back, and realized that the city before me was designed from it.

Caras Galadhon was a mall. Not just a neighborhood strip mall. Not even an upscale-Bloomingdales-Neiman Marcus kind of mall. This was a multi-tiered, glass domed, MONSTER of a mall. I didn't realize I was grinning like a madwoman until I felt the spittle dribble down my chin.

"Galadhrim Gallaria" flashed in giant neon letters above the entrance to mall, small chasing lights circling around it. Two huge fountains, colored lights in the basin changing from red to blue to green and back again, flanked the entrance to the mall.

"Your welcoming dinner is being held at one of the finest restaurants in town," Haldir explained, leading me up the white marble steps to the entrance of the mall. "Celeborn's Café and Eat-a-torium."

I couldn't help it. I snorted - loudly. "Eat-a-torium? That's not even a real word! Who thought that beauty up?"

Haldir stiffened, a frown creasing his forehead. Uh, oh…I'd just taken the Arrogant One down a peg, without even trying.

"I'm sorry, Haldir…it's a wonderful name…really.'

"I never claimed to be a poet."

"It's fine…really, just fine."

"I was forced to come up with something."

"Haldir…"

"I was never really good with words."

"Haldir…"

"I've got much better things to do with my mouth," he said, grabbing my face and smashing his lips onto mine.

"Mmmff."

Breaking the kiss, he grinned at me. "Had you going for a minute, didn't I?" He laughed. Rumil and Orophin joined in, all three Elves laughing heartily at my red face. "Celeborn thought of it. He thinks he's Shakespeare with pointed ears."

Grabbing hold of my hand again, Haldir led us through the revolving glass doors into the mall. He was trying to hurry, but I dragged my feet, looking into the windows of the stores as we passed.


I'd been in lots of Malls in my lifetime, but never one quite like this. I recognized a few of the stores, but only a few. Victoria's Secret was there, along with Frederick;s of Hollywood, and a Bath and Body Works, but there any similarity to the malls I remembered from life ended.

Next to the Vikki's Secret was the Maelstrom, whose picture window display featured a nude male Elf mannequin - anatomically correct, mind you - dressed in a black mesh tee shirt and shiny black leather, crotchless pants. The mannequin was holding a cat-o-nine tails, and was posed leaning threateningly over another male Elf mannequin. The second mannequin was nude except for a spiked dog collar. Oh, yes…and he was hog-tied.

Haldir had to lift me up bodily in order to get me away from that window.

Although the Elves were trying to hurry me through the mall - Haldir pulling while Rumil and Orophin pushed, I managed to slow down long enough to glimpse a jewelry store display that seemed to be comprised of nothing but diamond studded nipple clamps and penis rings.

We passed an ice cream parlor whose featured flavors included "Legolas," "Elrond," and the flavor of the month, "Glorfindel."

Traveling up the escalator to the second tier of the mall, I noticed a window display advertising aphrodisiacs; and a bookstore that seemed to sell nothing but X-rated books and magazines. One particular centerfold caught my eye.

"Haldir…was that you?" I asked, tugging backwards on his arm as he tried to drag me forward.

"One weak moment, and it's plastered all over Arda," he replied. Smirking, he nudged me. "Did you notice that it took five folds for the centerfold instead of the usual four?"

I stand corrected…he must buy arrogance wholesale in 55 gallon drums.


It was Haldir who came to stop in front of the next store window. Curious as to what had caught his attention, I glanced up at the store's name. "Toys R Us." Looking into the window, the display featured every LOTR action figure, game, card deck, poster, book, and accessory ever created - even the uber-expensive collectible ones. I noticed Haldir staring at one in particular - a poster of himself in Aragorn's arms at Helm's Deep.

Looking at me, he growled, "Someday, Peter Jackson is going to bite the big one, and when he does I'm going to be there demanding some explanations. It's not going to be pretty."

I grinned, hugged his arm for a moment reassuringly, and let him lead me on up the second escalator to the next tier. We passed many more stores, each one more bizarre than the one before it, including one that seemed to specialize only in edible underwear, riding the escalators up several more levels before we reached our destination.

Finally…the Food Court.

I noticed one food stand devoted entirely to oysters. Another seemed to sell only strawberries and champagne. Do you see a pattern, here?

Tucked into a back corner was the restaurant we had been heading for…Celeborn's Café and Eat-a-torium. Snort. Eat-a-torium.

"Stop giggling…you'll hurt his feelings," Haldir admonished, barely able to keep a grin from spreading across his own lips. I took a deep breath and tried to calm myself, rearranging my expression into one I hope mimicked casual indifference.

"Now you look stoned," Orophin laughed.

"She needs something to take her mind off the name of the restaurant," Rumil offered, reading my thoughts again.

"I know just the thing," Haldir grinned, plastering my mouth with his again, placing his hands on either side of my head, holding me there. I felt two other pair of hands roaming over my body, and two other pair of lips licking and kissing each side of my neck, just behind my ears. Most disturbingly of all, I felt three hard, hot bulges rubbing wantonly against me.

Yeah…that worked. My mind became a complete blank, and so did the expression on my face when Haldir finally let me up for air.

He opened the door to the restaurant and ushered me inside, weak knees and all.