How I Saved Middle Earth
folder
Lord of the Rings Movies › General
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
15
Views:
1,695
Reviews:
5
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Category:
Lord of the Rings Movies › General
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
15
Views:
1,695
Reviews:
5
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
I do not own the Lord of the Rings book series and movie series, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
Pow Wow at Helm's Deep
A/N:
Crown - Theoden
******
I parked the truck in the stable, rolled up the windows and locked the doors. (I didn’t know what sort of neighborhood this was and some of those characters looked pretty unsavory, if you catch my meaning). I was pulling my stuff out of the back when Scruffy came to fetch me.
“We would like you to join us in the great hall for a conference,” he said.
“OK,” I said and followed him. (What the hell did they need me for?) The hall was packed and it was all guys.
“Sausage party, hmmm,” I murmured, looking around like the land shark I am. I’d certainly gloat about this to my girlfriends when I got home, that’s for sure!
Scruffy had to fairly drag me to a table where a guy with a Crown, the Old Guy, Hairy and Blondie were standing. There were just too many hot guys looking like they could use a little attention for me to waltz on by. I was beginning to like this place and grinned shamelessly as I checked out the assembly. (Odds of me getting laid this trip have increased exponentially! Woo!)
Some of the men eyed me suspiciously and several actually moved away when Scruffy announced, “she’s from the outside.”
I heard the dreaded words murmured around me “Sue, Sue! Beware the Sue!”
“Oh, for Pete’s sake, would y’all just chill?” I snapped. “Do I actually look like a fucking Mary Sue? As if!”
Several minutes of silence as they looked me over for any sign of Sue-ness. No way was I Sue material. Too short, too curvy, too plain and too nefarious. They relaxed.
“We the opportunity to banish the Mary Sues from our realm forever,” announced the Old Geezer. (Hadn’t his attitude taken a dramatic turn since we first ran inim tim terrified on the road and pleading for help?)
His proclamation was greeted with cheers from the assembly.
“And just how the hell do you plan to do that?” I asked, hating to rain on his parade but . . . well, someone had to tell it like it is.
“You will do it for us,” he beamed at me and pointed a gnarled finger in my direction.
“What? Me? By myself? Take on a whole fucking army of hormonally raged girls? Are you on crack?” I shouted at him. “They’ll kill me!” (This guy was obviously whacked. I looked around for Scruffy. It seemed that he was actually the one brain out of the entire lot.)
I made my way over to him and grabbed his arm. “Is he like rowing with only one oar in the water or what?” I demanded.
“No, Gandalf doesn’t have a boat,” he answered. “Listen to what he has to say then decide if you can help.”
I felt like Moses parting the Red Sea. As I turned back to look back at the Old Guy, the crowd fell away from me in awe. Obviously those idiots believed that I held some strange power that could save them. Right.
I scowled and walked back up to the table, setting my gym bag down and rummaging for my cigarettes. (I still left my backpack on. They’d probably freak if they saw my computer.) The tension in the room was steadily mounting.
I pulled out a cig and lit it thoughtfully. “OK, bud, let’s hear it,” I exhaled smoke thru my nose.
His eyes gleamed and he eyed my cig greedily.
“You smoke?” I asked curiously, seeing the look in his eye.
“Pipe weed,” he admitted.
I laughed out loud. “Sorry, gramps, I don’t carry, ah, ‘pipe weed’ around anymore. Cops, you know,” I winked at him. “Would you like one of these instead?” I held the pack out to him and he took one, examining it closely.
“Here,” I said and handed him my lit cig. He took it and puffed on it happily. I had to grin.
“Ah,” he said. “Yes, that is good.” He handed the rest of it to Scruffy who finished it off with a smile. I shook my head in amazement. (This is one weird-ass place, that’s for sure.)
*****
Crown - Theoden
******
I parked the truck in the stable, rolled up the windows and locked the doors. (I didn’t know what sort of neighborhood this was and some of those characters looked pretty unsavory, if you catch my meaning). I was pulling my stuff out of the back when Scruffy came to fetch me.
“We would like you to join us in the great hall for a conference,” he said.
“OK,” I said and followed him. (What the hell did they need me for?) The hall was packed and it was all guys.
“Sausage party, hmmm,” I murmured, looking around like the land shark I am. I’d certainly gloat about this to my girlfriends when I got home, that’s for sure!
Scruffy had to fairly drag me to a table where a guy with a Crown, the Old Guy, Hairy and Blondie were standing. There were just too many hot guys looking like they could use a little attention for me to waltz on by. I was beginning to like this place and grinned shamelessly as I checked out the assembly. (Odds of me getting laid this trip have increased exponentially! Woo!)
Some of the men eyed me suspiciously and several actually moved away when Scruffy announced, “she’s from the outside.”
I heard the dreaded words murmured around me “Sue, Sue! Beware the Sue!”
“Oh, for Pete’s sake, would y’all just chill?” I snapped. “Do I actually look like a fucking Mary Sue? As if!”
Several minutes of silence as they looked me over for any sign of Sue-ness. No way was I Sue material. Too short, too curvy, too plain and too nefarious. They relaxed.
“We the opportunity to banish the Mary Sues from our realm forever,” announced the Old Geezer. (Hadn’t his attitude taken a dramatic turn since we first ran inim tim terrified on the road and pleading for help?)
His proclamation was greeted with cheers from the assembly.
“And just how the hell do you plan to do that?” I asked, hating to rain on his parade but . . . well, someone had to tell it like it is.
“You will do it for us,” he beamed at me and pointed a gnarled finger in my direction.
“What? Me? By myself? Take on a whole fucking army of hormonally raged girls? Are you on crack?” I shouted at him. “They’ll kill me!” (This guy was obviously whacked. I looked around for Scruffy. It seemed that he was actually the one brain out of the entire lot.)
I made my way over to him and grabbed his arm. “Is he like rowing with only one oar in the water or what?” I demanded.
“No, Gandalf doesn’t have a boat,” he answered. “Listen to what he has to say then decide if you can help.”
I felt like Moses parting the Red Sea. As I turned back to look back at the Old Guy, the crowd fell away from me in awe. Obviously those idiots believed that I held some strange power that could save them. Right.
I scowled and walked back up to the table, setting my gym bag down and rummaging for my cigarettes. (I still left my backpack on. They’d probably freak if they saw my computer.) The tension in the room was steadily mounting.
I pulled out a cig and lit it thoughtfully. “OK, bud, let’s hear it,” I exhaled smoke thru my nose.
His eyes gleamed and he eyed my cig greedily.
“You smoke?” I asked curiously, seeing the look in his eye.
“Pipe weed,” he admitted.
I laughed out loud. “Sorry, gramps, I don’t carry, ah, ‘pipe weed’ around anymore. Cops, you know,” I winked at him. “Would you like one of these instead?” I held the pack out to him and he took one, examining it closely.
“Here,” I said and handed him my lit cig. He took it and puffed on it happily. I had to grin.
“Ah,” he said. “Yes, that is good.” He handed the rest of it to Scruffy who finished it off with a smile. I shook my head in amazement. (This is one weird-ass place, that’s for sure.)
*****