Sex, Drugs, and Orcish Theatre

Chapter 44

[Author's note: Apologies to fans of Monty Python. I couldn't help myself]

Sparks flew as Sauron moved his sword to block Elrond's offensive.

"Bastard Peredhil!" spat the Dark Lord, backing away and looking for a weakness on the elf to exploit. It had been aeons since he had bothered with this sort of hand to hand combat and powerful as he was, Sauron was rusty.

"Look. You turn up in Lothlorien's back yard and you expect me to sit back and take it? HAH!" Elrond lunged, feigning an attack auronuron's belly, then suddenly ducking down and lopping off Sauron's left leg. Sauron stared at the elf, gaping in disbelief. Elrond leapt backwards.

"WHOO!! SUCK ON THAT YOU FUCKER!! GO PEREDHIL! GO PEREDHIL! IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY! IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY!" Elrond took the time to indulge in a little gloating, holding out his sword in both hands and shaking his hips sassily at his menacing foe. He swiftly returned to dignity as Sauron picked up his leg and threw it at the half-elf's head.

'I knew I shouldn't have stayed in this crappy manifestation for so long,' thought Sauron as he began to hobble towards Elrond at supernatural haste for one who was lacking a leg.

"Oh come ON!" yelled Elrond. "This isn't a challenge!!! You're taking the piss!" he laughed scornfully, casually blocking a blow with seemingly no effort that Sauron threw at him.

"Just you wait till I return to my former power! YAAAH!!" Sauron again lunged in a futile bid to behead Elrond. Again, relaxed beyond belief, he swung the blow aside, then shifted the direction of his blade, successfully severing Sauron's right arm. It fell off, hand still clenched onto his sword. They both stared at the severed limb, Elrond giggling slightly, manic on bloodletting.

"You utter cunt!" screamed Sauron in disbelief, hopping backwards and pulling a rapier out of his belt with his remaining hand. Leaning against a tree for balance he snarled at the elf.

Elrond swaggered over to Sauron, and smiled at him, then spat squarely in his face.

"Now what was that for?!?!" Sauron's voice was tinged with whining indignity as he wiped the elf spittle from his face.

"A diversion," replied Elrond before neatly slicing through Sauron's remaining leg. Sauron's upper body topped backwards, his lone arm flailing.

"Oh you are going to be so fucking DEAD next time round," snarled Sauron, brandishing his rapier manically at Elrond.

"Yes, but that won't be for a while yet. And furthermore, let this be a warning." Elrond walked over and clamped Sauron's lone appendage with his boot.

"What warning?"

Elrond brought down the sword and Sauron screamed as his arm was forcibly removed. "Stay the FUCK away from my daughter!" he shouted before finally cleaving off Sauron's head and kicking it.

"That was extremely satisfying," said Elrond to nobody in particular, absently cleaning his sword with a handkerchief. He rubbed at a stubborn blood clot and did not notice the soundless dissolving of Sauron's body, nor the shimmering mist that hovered briefly above the remains that slowly grew together and began to change color.

"You've not won yet," hissed Sauron's voice from several feet above Elrond's head. The half-elf turned and took a step backwards, mildly disconcerted by the sight of a massive hovering eyeball of garish yellow and red. It clearly didn't look nearly as cool as Sauron would have liked it to.

"Oh, what's that going to do? Leak evil tears at me?" snorted Elrond. Suddenly the eyeball blinked and a blinding charge of energy blasted in Elrond's general direction. The half elf, genuinely surprised, barely managed to duck before he realized that the charge had just hit him in the face and had done nothing.

"Oh for fuck's sake! I used up all my fucking power changing into this shitty eyebalUCKIUCKING ELVES!!! YOU ALWAYS FUCK UP MY PLANS!!! I'LL GET YOU ONE DAY YOU BASTARD!!" screamed Sauron as the eyeball shot into the sky and drifted north in the general direction of Mirkwood.

"Well that was depressingly easy," said Elrond. He looked around, hoping for a stray minion or two of Sauron's to slay. The forest was quiet except for the sound of beasts and birds resuming their business now that the sounds of conflict had finally died down. Elrond walked triuntlyntly to his friends and family.

"I am triumphant!" he proclaimed. The resounding roar of approval he was expecting failed to manifest. Galadriel and Celeborn had disappeared somewhere, Haldir and Aragorn were sharing a pipe and arguing, while that elf prince appeared to be holding his daughter's hand. The bloodlust started to brew in him again. "UNHAND MY DAUGHTER PERVERT!" he screamed.

Legolas, convinced Elrond suddenly knew everything jumped up and backed up against a tree.

"DADDY!!" screamed Kalina, irritably. "If he was hassling me do you think I wouldn't be the first trying to dismember him?"

"Sorry dear. Got carried away for a minute," replied Elrond, stilling pinning Legolas to the tree with his gauntlet-encased wrist and his sword poised very close to the hapless prince's nose. "Don't take it personally," he said, finally releasing the elf. Legolas, still in shock managed to utter a few syllables dismissing the attack as a misunderstanding then tiptoed as far away from Elrond as he could without being conspicuous in his cowardice.

"Well done," said Gandalf, who finally realized that his brief period of respite was now over. He stood up. "Shall we return?"

"Fuck yes. I want proper sleep. In my own bed," said Kalina, getting to her feet.

"Haldir, go fetch your Lord and Lady," ordered Elrond, finally sheathing his sword.

"Why? You've killed Sauron. It's safe now," said Haldir sulkily. He didn't really want to go home that badly. He'd be forced into doing crappy errands all over again.

"No, I've merely weakened him temporarily by hacking him up and forcing him to change shape into this really shitty eyeball... You should have seen it! You'd think being the Dark Lord and all he'd put some effort into his appearance. But anyway,
yes. Do what I say! I've just kicked Sauron's ass! GO ME!!" Elrond started to get hyperactive and bouncy. The bloodlust was ebbing but the adrenalin was still pumping through his veins.

"Oi! I managed to fend him off so we could make a run for it," said Kalina, demanding recognition. Elrond turned and hugged her.

"And I'm so proud of you for it! In fact, I'll even go and buy that chain mail bra you've been nagging me for. Just promise me you won't wear it into battle!" said Elrond, unable to resist the need to dispense paternal warnings.

"Well duh. I'd like to keep my intestinal tract in my abdomen thank you very much," replied Kalina indignantly.

"I know, but you kids with your crazy armor these days," said Elrond, sighing and shaking his head. In the background Haldir had found a long branch and was trying to prod Celeborn and Galadriel to get their attention without directly looking at their nauseatingly open display of lust. Aragorn and Legolas were pointing and laughing. Gandalf looked around approvingly. Things seemed to be taking a turn towards normality, although that did depend on your definition of 'normal'. He began to walk and slowly the others got their things together and trailed behind the wizard, leisurely returning to Lothlorien.