Sex, Drugs, and Orcish Theatre

Suddenly the fighting stopped. Three massive heads turned to observe Kalina.

“Sweetheart, what did you just say?” asked Mecha-Elrond.

“I just told you. Sauron. He’s over there. He’s got Celeborn. You should probably go help,” yelled Kalina pointedly.

“You don’t have to shout! We can hear you just fine,” snapped Gandzilla.

“Look, will you just go and deal with it? I’m in way over my head here.” Kalina was fed up and she certainly wasn’t about to go back and try to save Celeborn. She’d had enough of this. Everyone was pissing her off and there was no catharsis in beating a masochist into submission because they fucking enjoyed it.

“Our mortal enemy is at hand!!!” procla Gan Gandzillah.

“Fantastic!!” exclaimed Mecha-Elrond, who suddenly began to shrink and return back to his normal self, looking relatively unscathed despite the earlier conflict. “Hello dear!!! I’ve missed you,” he said skipping over to Kalina.

“Dad… you’re about to go and rescue Celeborn from Sauron. Wouldn’t it make more sense to go as you were?” asked Kalina wearily.

“But Celeborn loaned me this armor specially! And it’s been far too long since I had a sword in my hand and was able to charge out there and slaughter the enemy and watch the bodies pile up at my feet!!! THE CARNAGE JUST FEELS SO GOOD!!!!!”

“Breathe in…. there… now exhale… good…” said Kalina as Elrond began hyperventilating in glee. His breathing began to calm down.

“What are we facing?” asked Gandzilla, both he and Galadradon returning to their normal manifestations.

“Uhm… he feels pain, but he’s still rather fearsome and he’s rather riled at this point,” said Kalina.

“And he’s got shitloads of orcs with him,” added Haldir, trying to be useful for a change.

“Even better,” said Elrond gleefully. “Wanna come with?” off Elr Elrond, practically bouncing with anticipation.

“Tempting as it is, I think I’ll give the bloodletting a miss this time,” said Kalina. She wasn’t in any hurry to run into Sauron again. He’d probably start dribbling and spouting sentimental metaphors again and Kalina knew she could in no way
stomach it.

Elrond strode up towards the sounds of Sauron lording over Celeborn, unsheathing a lethal long sword form his scabbard. As he approached he made out the silhouette of Sauron pinning Celeborn up against a tree. So far he'd done little damage to the elf lord and was indulging in a bit of over the top villain gloating.

"I suggest you release him," demanded Elrond as he neared. Sauron's head whipped around and fire seemed to blaze in his eyes as he recognized the armored warrior.

"Peredhil," he spat. He grabbed Celeborn and threw him aside. The elf lord landed hard on his rear, then edged away. Sauron's attention was now held by Elrond, allowing Celeborn to creep away backwards before getting to his feet and running through the forest. He collided ungracefully with Kalina, who was trying to roll herself a quick cigarette while standing.

"You moron!!" she snapped, as tobacco went everywhere.

"Your father!!" he gasped at Kalina.

"Yes, yes, he's rescued you and is kicking Sauron's ass right about..." Kalina tilted her head and listened. In the background there came the sound of two swords clashing against each other. "... now," said Kalina, nodding and looking satisfied. Gandalf was sitting on a rock smoking his pipe while Galadriel got to her feet and hurried to her husband.

"Did that bastard hurt you?" demanded Galadriel, embracing her estranged beloved.

"Not very much," said Celeborn, then amending the statement. "Although I'm somewhat shaken up," he added pitifully, clinging to his wife.

"Aw, my poor little trophy husband," crooned Galadriel, cradling Celeborn's head against her bosom and stroking his hair. She bowed her head and began to gently kiss his neck.

"Shouldn't you two be helping Elrond?" asked Haldir, directing his question at the increasingly more horny Galadriel and Gandalf who was content to sit there with his pipe.

"Shut up, Haldir," snapped Galadriel and Celeborn in unison. They then giggled at each other before pressing their lips together and starting to kiss frantically.

"Well then get a bloody room or something!" snapped Haldir. Kalina moved over to Gandalf and sat down on the ground beside his rock. Aragorn was sat on the other side, hunched up and biting his thumb absently as he stared into space.

"Can I swipe a wee bit of baccie?" asked Kalina.

"Here, have some of this," said Gandalf, offering her his pipe.

"Uhm... what's in it?" she asked, a little suspicious. The wizard was known for smoking strange and exotic things in his pipe and from time to time would pass it onto Kalina without any warning, normally when he was getting tired of her pestering him or when he was babysitting her and wanted her to shut up and go to sleep.

"Just the usual shire weed laced with a bit of opium," said Gandalf.

"AH!!! MY OPIUM!" cried Celeborn, pushing Galadriel aside.

"Oh right. Here you go," said Gandalf, reaching in his pocket and pulling out the only marginally smaller brick of opium he had pilfered earlier.

"Thank you! Right. Woman of mine!! When we get home we're locking ourselves indoors for at least three days and woe unto any who disturb us!!" proclaimed Celeborn, waving the drugs at his woman.

"Now I remember why I married you," said Galadriel, her eyes gleaming as she returned to her husband's embrace.

"You're starting to sicken me. Incidentally you're all covering for me, since everyone knows I DON'T SMOKE," said Kalina, before taking a long draw on Gandalf's pipe.

"And you've also had a very harrowing few days, so even if he catches you he certainly can't hold that against you," said Gandalf indulgently.

"Fuck yeah. More drugs!" demanded Kalina.

"Shouldn't SOMEONE go find Legolas? And check on Elrond?!" screamed Haldir, once again feeling like the lone pedestal of reason.

"You seem eager. Why don't you see what Legolas is up to," suggested Kalina as Gandalf reclaimed his pipe and topped it up for Kalina.

"You're just looking for another excuse to send me into the forest and get me killed!" protested Haldir.

"No, I believe you ran off," said Aragorn.

"Oh shut up," muttered Haldir defensively, glaring at everyone.

"Silence!" Gandalf's voice rang out suddenly and all discussion died. Suddenly everyone realized that they could hear what sounded very much like an angry hoard of orcs heading their way.

Moments later, Legolas appeared from the darkness of the woods, turned then fired an arrow.

"I seem to have stumbled across a small army of Sauron's," he said, clearly seething. He expected some kind of acknowledgement but Kalina was in the process of holding in a massive lungful of smoke, Aragorn was still in the grips of post-traumatic stress, Haldir was sulking, and Celeborn and Galadriel were slobbering over each other. Only Gandalf seemed to care.

"Right. Everyone get back," said the wizard. He stood up from his rock and held out his staff. This foolishly meant Kalina retained custody of his pipe and was happily getting as high as she could before she had to give it back. Sighing, Haldir grabbed his lord's collar and wrenched him backwards, thereby enticing Galadriel to get out of Gandalf's firing range.

The wizard's eyes narrowed in deep concentration as he held out the staff in the direction of the woods where Legolas had appeared. Second later the first line of orcs were becoming visible.

"Should we do something?" suggested Haldir.

"Nah. Gandalf will sort it," replied Kalina casually, using her fingernail to poke through the remnants in the pipe bowl to make sure everything had been fully carbonized. "See?" she said, looking up at the wizard as he ceased uttering his arcane words.

The orcs had now crossed the perimeter into the elves (and wizard and human's) ground. Suddenly an arc of bloody crimson light issued forth from the head of the staff, blinding the orcs and causing them to fall to the ground screaming in agony and clutching their eyes as they melted out of their heads.

"Gruesome!" said Kalina approvingly.

"Thank you, my dear," said Gandalf, sitting back down. "Now give me back my pipe, you little dopefiend."

Smiling blearily at the wizard through toasty red eyes, Kalina handed back the pipe to the wizard and lay back on the grass, listening to the screams and death throes as the spell worked its way into the brains of the orcs and started melting their cerebral matter so that it leaked out of their ears.

"That's a bit excessive, isn't it?" asked Haldir, mildly nauseated by the sight.

"Look. I've had a long day. Is it too much to ask for a quiet smoke?" demanded Gandalf irritably.

"I concur," said Kalina, siding with the wizard.

"He's got a point," said Legolas, heading over and dropping down onto the grass next to Kalina. "Where's your father?"

"Fighting Sauron. Don't worry. Daddy's pissed and in a bloodletting mood. I almost feel sorry for Sauron," replied Kalina confidently as the screams of agony dulled into groans of death.