The Corruption and Degredation of Mary Sue

Chapter 4leshlesh Trade

Haldir crawled out of bed relatively early, having been unable to sleep for fear of painful retribution. Said retribution had failed to manifest, but Haldir was still feeling exhausted from having spent the night sitting up and rocking gently, chanting a mantra of “Can’t sleep, Kalina will kill me, can’t sleep, Kalina will kill me…”

Evallyally emerging from his chamber a few hours after dawn, he staggered down to the kitchen in search of coffee. Along with a recently brewed pot sitting on the table, Haldir was relieved to see Aragorn and the twins up and chatting. There was safety to be had in numbers, particularly when they weren’t witness(es) to last night’s drama.

“You look like shit,” said Elrohir cheerfully as Haldir dropped down onto a chair next to Aragorn.

“Well you’d look like shit too if you hadnot aot any sleep,” grumbled Haldir, grasping the pot of coffee and a mug sitting on the table. While empty, it had clearly been used to hold tea and had not been washed since. Regardless of this, Haldir poured himself a cup of black coffee and downed it.

“So who was he?” asked Elladan, smirking.

“IT WASN’T A HE!” snapped Haldir. He opened his mouth to whinge about how it was his bloody sister that was the current root of all his woe, then remembered Kalina’s words. “I’ve just got insomnia,” he tacked on lamely. Aragorn glanced sidelong at him and raised an eyebrow. Hal Haldir looked so wretched that all desire to mock the nancing Marchwarden fizzled out of the twins. It was too much like kicking a lame dog in the head. A brief silence fell over the table as Haldir helped himself to another mug of coffee. It was suddenly broken by Aragorn.

“Do you think your father would let me marry your sister if I became a dread pirate king? I mean I’d still be a king, except I wouldn’t have to sit around on a throne all day and deal with stacks of paperwork and taxes and all that tedious crap.” He smiled optimistically at the twins. Haldir, eyes wide in disbelief over the ludicrous nature of that inquiry, turned to stare at Aragorn with a grimace.

“Er…” said Elladan, wondering what in the name of Glaurung’s diseased urethra the human was on about.

“Ooh!! Can I be your first mate?” asked Elrohir excitedly. “Arrh!! I be Elrohir! Terror of the seas!” snarled Elrohir, banging his mug down like a flagon.

“That’s the STUPIDEST thing I’ve heard! Honestly!” snapped Haldir, irritated by this nonsense.

“I don’t know… Ada hooked uph Cíh Círdan a couple centuries back and came back rambling about cutlasses and swigging rum,” said Elladan thoughtfully.

“And thanks to him, my life as hell for the next six months,” muttered Haldir.

“How did he manage that?” asked Aragorn.

“Celeborn. My lord decided to pay your father a visit and then came back and kept threatening to keel haul me if I didn’t refer to him as Captain Celeborn the Fearsome,” muttered Haldir. “And he stopped bathing to try and get it authentic until Galadriel threatened to shave her head and become a militant lesbian if he continued to reek.”

“Our grandfather isn’t exactly known for his stability,” said Elrohir, actually sounding sympathetic. A lifetime of letting Galadriel do the speaking for the both of them had left Celeborn with far too much time on his hands, which in turn resulted in him casting aside any reluctance to carry out even the most demented and/or offensive schemes imaginable.

“But anyway, do you think your father would go for it?” asked Aragorn optimistically.

“I think it’s more of a question of if Arwen would go for it,” said Elladan pointedly. Aragorn’s face fell. That was true. Arwen gave him enough grief as it was for going around sporting stubble and unwashed hair, which had been part of the appeal of piracy.

“You. Human. Make more coffee,” said Haldir, helping himself to the last of the pot.

“That won’t help your insomnia,” muttered Aragorn, annoyed that not only had his ideal little fantasy been shattered but also Haldir was now ordering him around.

“Yes, well, it’s morning now so I may as well stay up,” said Haldir.

“You’re not trying to avoid sleep because you fear that if you let down your guard someone is going to kill you, are you? Because that happens all the time if you’re me. I keep thinking that somehow Sauron will discover I'm Isildur’s heir and send someone to hunt me down and disembowel me in the most elaborate fashion. But then that’s the burden I have to bear, what with being king and all. That and making uppity elves coffee.” Aragorn tacked on the last sentence bitterly as he stood up and grabbed the coffee pot that Haldir was holding out at him for the entirety of his monologue.

“Oh shut up and caffeinate me,” groaned Haldir, downing his third cup of black Easterling blend. As long as he stayed awake and around people, there was a fairly reasonable chance of survival.



“You seem awfully calm this morning,” remarked Legolas, perched on the edge of Kalina’s bathtub as she rinsed her hair.

“Yes, well, there you go,” she said nonchalantly. Legolas looked at her with a touch of suspicion.

“You’re not going to kill Haldir, are you?” he asked, just to make sure.

“Didn’t you hear me? As long as he keeps his mouth shut, he doesn’t get maimed or killed. And as you know, I tend to keep my word.” Kalina smiled sweetly at the prince, which did little to assuage his fears that she was up to something devious. “Now pass me a towel. I need to go see Glorfindel about something.”

“And you’re going to see him with your clothes on?” mocked Legolas. Kalina reached out and grabbed him and threatened to pull him into the bath with her, fully clothed(,) but stopped short just before Legolas could shriek in panic.

“Be nice. I’ve just been traumatised,” she ordered, releasing him. “And I need to see him about some business,” she added as Legolas complied with her wishes and grabbed a fluffy white towel hooked on the back of the bathroom door, holding it
open for Kalina to step into.

“What kind of business?” he inquired as Kalina allowed herself to be wrapped in the towel.

“You’ll see,” was all she was willing to say, much to the prince’s minor irritation. She walked past him and into her room, dressing hastily. While Legolas’s back was turned, she reached into a drawer and pocketed a large leather collar and leash, hiding it under her cloak. “Come along,” she said, opening the door. With Legolas three paces behind her, she hurried to Glorfindel’s room and knocked.

“Yes?”

“Uncle Glorfy, can I talk to you for a minute?” called Kalina. A moment later the door opened. Glorfindel, wearing his dressing gown smiled warmly at the pair as they entered. “Oh damn. Legolas, be useful and go fetch my weed pouch. It’s in my room somewhere,” said Kalina suddenly.

“Sure,” replied Legolas, hurrying back out. Kalina shut the door behind him, then smiled at Glorfindel.

“I have something to ask of you,” she said sweetly.

“And how can I make my favourite little elfling happy?” asked Glorfindel, moving towards his bed, believing this would be where the conversation would inevitably lead to.

“I need you to heavily sedate Haldir tonight, no questions asked. I want him utterly unconscious from around midnight onwards,” said Kalina bluntly. Glorfindel looked momentarily surprised. This was not what he had expected to hear out of Kalina.

“I see… uhm… what makes you think Haldir will let me sedate him willingly?” asked Glorfindel.

“Did I say anything about him willingly partaking?” replied Kalina.

“Ahh. I see.” Glorfindel looked slightly uncomfortable.

“I assure you, I will more than compensate you for your services,” said Kalina in business-like tones.

The discomfort faded and Glorfindel looked intrigued, smiling slightly at Kalina. “What kind of… ‘compensation’?”

“The use of my pet for the day? And perhaps my company later?” she offered.

“Both you and him?” bargained Glorfindel optimistically.

“After you’ve successfully completed your task… yes.” Kalina smiled sweetly at the Noldo. At this point the door opened.

“Kalina, I can’t find your stuff ANYWHERE in your room… are you sure you didn’t…” Legolas, who had just entered, found Kalina suddenly on him, strapping a collar to hick, ck, complete with leash. “Er… what’s going on?” he askedre tre than a little confused.

“There you go,” said Kalina, taking hold of the leash and ignoring Legolas’s query. She handed the leash to Glorfindel, then turned te pre prince. “Play nice,” she said, treating Legolas to a teasing lick on the nose.

“Kalina?” asked Legolas, trying to reach for her as she walked off towards the door, finding the leash restricting him.

“Don’t fret. I’ll be back later to join in,” she assured him, before departing. Legolas turned and looked at Glorfindel, who was regarding him hungrily.

“What just happened?” asked Legolas.

“You’re payment for a bargain between me and your,” said Glorfindel, pulling on the leash and forcing Legolas to stumble a few steps towards him.

“What? Kalina’s using me to pay for some scheme?!” protested Legolas, sounding almost outraged. "And furthermore, she's NOT my girlfriend!!"

“Yes, yes. You keep telling yourself that. And yes, you ARE payment of sorts. Are you complaining?" inquired Glorfindel.

Legolas stared at him, then actually thought about the situation he had been landed in and smiled shyly at Glorfindel.

All things considered, it could have been far worse.