Sex, Drugs, and Orcish Theatre

Chapter 42

"Once I discovered you were stolen from me, I massed this small force to find you. However, my precious plans have been interrupted. If I don't shed some righteous blood by the time the moon sets tonight I'll have to wait another six months before the right alignment returns to the sky. And we don't want that, do we? So we're just going to have to round up the others and kill them here and dispense with the theatrics."

A resounding groan of disappointment issued forth from the massed orcs.

"But Master! We've been practicing for MONTHS!" wailed one orc. His comrades muttered and nodded amongst themselves and momentarily forgot their perpetual fear of Sauron.

"THAT was all part of a propaganda scheme. We can put off the production till after the wedding. It'll work just as well then!" Sauron shouted, annoyed at his troops.

"I'm sorry... WHAT WEDDING?" screamed Kalina. Sauron suddenly became a lot more demure and apologetic.

"Why, our wedding! Why wait any longer? Once I am more powerful, we'll go ahead with the wedding, and then we can head back to Barad-dûr and start planning my military campaign," explained Sauron.

"You do realize that you could have, and in actually SHOULD have consulted me on this," snapped Kalina. Sauron looked at her, confused.

"Why? We're engaged! Why wait? Soon we can be together without unwelcome complications like THAT," said Sauron, pointing at Haldir who was still hunched up, self-loathing evident. For once he didn't seem to be trying to pass off responsibility and looked legitimately dejected. Much to Kalina's eternal annoyance, she found herself feeling concerned for the wretched elf.

"Will you unhand me, moron?" demanded Kalina, struggling in Sauron's grasp. "This is going too far!!!! I WILL NOT HAVE MARRIAGE LAUNCHED AT ME LIKE SOME KIND OF SURPRISE AERIAL ONSLAUGHT!!!" Kalina instigated a searing screeching onslaught and from under her cloak pulled out a black riding crop and began smacking the living crap out of Sauron with it. An initial look of surprised outrage crossed over the Dark Lord, but the he quickly dropped to his knees and started groveling at Kalina, blatantly enjoying the onslaught. He maintained his dignity long enough to shout at his troops.

"FUCK OFF YOU LOT! THIS IS PERSONAL!" he shouted. The orcs, exceedingly uncomfortable at this display of a small angry elf beating up their feared master, all quickly shuffled off into the darkness, muttering and confused. "I know I've wronged you! Punish me more!" simpered Sauron, once his minions had departed.

"THIS IS ONLY THE START OF IT YOU CLINGY INFURIATING ASSHOLE!!!" Kalina, striking Sauron clear across the face with her riding crop. He gasped, and looked up at her adoringly. Kalina screamed in infuriation. This wasn't helping vent her agitation at Sauron's ignorance, being captured, and feeling obliged to help Haldir. Wordless with irritation she made eye contact with Haldir who was still looking pitiful. This only furthered her bloodless, forcing Kalina to unleash another scream then lunge at Sauron, trying to crush his throat.

"Kalina... beloved?" he gasped, wincing as Kalina's fingers dug into his windpipe and her nails began to cut into his flesh. "Isn't that a big tight?"

"THAT'S THE FUCKING POINT YOU IMBECILIC FLEA-RIDDEN EXCUSE FOR AN EVIL OVERLORD!!!! DO YOU REALISE HOW FUCKING PITIFUL YOU ARE? MINCING AROUND, ACTING OH-SO POWERFUL WHEN ALL YOU WANT IS TO HAVE YOUR ASS KICKED BY ME? HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU MEANT TO COMMAND ANY KIND OF RESPECT? YOU'RE INFURIATING!!! AND SICKENINGLY SAPPY!!!! YOU CHURN MY STOMACH!! I SEE YOU AND I WANT TO SPEW HOT STOMACH ACID OVER YOUR WRETCHED FACE!! AND THAT'S NOT MEANT TO BE A TURN ON!!!! AND WORST OF ALL... YOU'RE DULL! REALLY FUCKING BORING!!!!!! YOU'RE LIKE ON OF THOSE IDIOTS WHO READS ABOUT S&M AND THEN DECIDES THEY'RE INTO IT WITHOUT HAVING HAD ANY EXPERIENCE OF IT! AND NOW YOU WANT TO MARRY THE FIRST WOMAN WHO COMES ALONG AND SMACKS YOU AROUND! AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!" Kalina continued her strangulation of Sauron, shaking him convulsively and never relinquishing her grip on his trachea.

Nobody noticed Kalina's screams had attracted Celeborn. The mechanical combatants had reached a tenuous truce, although none of them trusted the others enough to transform back to normal. Aragorn was boring, so Celeborn had wanderedardsards the shouts and screams in the hope of finding amusement. Much to his pleasure, his search seemed fruitful. He was almost certain that he wasn't high enough to hallucinate, which meant that he was almost certainly witnessing Sauron willingly being half-choked by someone he'd helped Elrond bathe in the kitchen sink when she was a year old. Celeborn started to giggle.

While certainly not wasted enough to see through time and space, Celeborn was high enough to succumb to the terrible scourge of substance abusers everywhere. The giggling began to escalate and grow more sharp and piercing in pitch. It cut through Kalina's screams and were heard by Sauron.

In a sudden movement almost to fast to see, Kalina found her hands easily pulled off Sauron's neck, and found herself off-balance. She stumbled backwards, landing on her arse in a most undignified manner. Thek lok lord rose to his feet, fire burning angrily in his eyes and turned to Celeborn, who was now in hysterics and leaning on a tree for support. He was laughing too hard to notice Sauron approach.

"Are you mocking me, elf?" demanded Sauron. He suddenly appeared to occupy more space with a dark and menacing aura even though his physical size had not changed.

"No, no, nothing like that," said Celeborn, still giggling slightly. He couldn't help it. He knew he should be rather afraid but he just couldn't take Sauron seriously. Not right now anyway. He suddenly found himself lifted a foot into the air and pinned against a tree. This was not a good turn of events for the elf-lord. The giggles stopped. The Fear started to set in. Celeborn's drug addled brain started to pick up on the bad vibes emanating from Sauron and began to grow more and more fearful of his predicament.

Meanwhile, unnoticed by Sauron Kalina had scuttled over to Haldir and dragged him to his feet.

"Run, fuckhead," she hissed, half dragging him into the woods and back towards what sounded like the skirmish restarting between the Ring Bearers.

"I really thought we were all going to die back then," gasped Haldir, hurrying to keep up with Kalina.

"And we all probably will. Except for me," spat Kalina grimly.

"So now what?"

"Well, presumably we should try and save Celeborn," said Kalina.

"And how do you expect to do that?"

"I don't know. None of this would have happened if.... ARGH! You moron!! TAKE THAT OFF NOW BEFORE I SEVER YOUR FINGER! Honestly. You're as bad as a fucking magpie. Oooh! Sparkly! Let's steal it!!" sneered Kalina. Haldir glowered at her.

"Right. Like you wouldn't pick up a piece of expensive jewelry to hock for drugs," snorted Haldir.

"That's not the point. And it's mine. Give it back," demanded Kalina, palm open, eyes glaring.

"WHAT? You'll lead him to us!" gasped Haldir.

"No, because I don't intend to wear it, since that's how it works. He can't pick up on it unless you're wearing it. However, you've noticed the size of that ruby and if that's not mithril then I'm a shaven dwarf that's been stretched on the rack," said Kalina. "I can dissemble it and flog it."

"Idiot! You can't take apart a magic ring!" snapped Haldir.

"Look, this one isn't one of the major big scary rings. It's a cheap knock-off that Sauron obvious put together to use as a tracing device. Anyway it's worth a shot," insisted Kalina.

"Oh for fuck's sake, they're at it again," sighed Haldir as they returned to find Aragorn fretting as Galadradon stood between Mecha-Elrond and Gandzilla, pushing them apart as they tried to get at each other.

"They stopped for a bit but something's stirred them up! Where's Legolas? And Celeborn?" asked Aragorn, feeling worried and intimidated by the massive creatures.

"Well, Sauron's got a hold of Celeborn, Legolas is wandering around in a forest full of orcs, but he's armed so I'm not too worried," said Kalina casually.

"WHAT!?!??! HOW?!?!"

"It's all Haldrir's fault," said Kalina. Aragorn rolled his eyes. "No, seriously. It is his fault," insisted Kalina.

"For once bitch-face is telling the truth. HOWEVER..." Haldir continued before Kalina could start gloating. "... if she'd BOTHERED to say 'Haldir, Sauron gave me a magic ring to keep tabs on my whereabouts' then NONE of this would have happened." Haldir crossed his arms, convinced he'd passed the blame on.

"Yes, and WHEN exactly did I have the opportunity to tell you this before you stole it out of my pocket?" demanded Kalina. In the background Galadradon had been pushed over by Mecha-Elrond and was being repeatedly kicked as Gandzilla tried to strangle Mecha-Elrond. Haldir tried to think of a witty retort but wound up imitating a goldfish as his mouth wobbled between open and closed. "Idiot," snorted Kalina, who then strode out towards the fighting monsters.

"NO! KALINA! THEY'LL SQUISH YOU!!" cried Aragorn from the sidelines.

"Piss off! DADDY!!! OI!! PAY SOME FUCKING ATTENTION!!" screamed Kalina, trying to get Mecha-Elrond's attention. It didn't appear to be working. Kalina swore and had to jump out of the way as her father turned and began to exert his wrath on Gandzilla. "DADDY!!!! FOR FUCK'S SAKE!!! STOP TRYING TO KILL GANDALF!!! SAURON'S JUST TRIED TO FORCE ME INTO MARRYING HIM AND HAS CELEBORN HOSTAGE!!!"