Wherefore Art Thou Gay, Boromiromeo?
folder
-Multi-Age › Slash - Male/Male
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
5
Views:
2,502
Reviews:
16
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Category:
-Multi-Age › Slash - Male/Male
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
5
Views:
2,502
Reviews:
16
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
I do not own the Lord of the Rings (and associated) book series, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
Author's Notes and Perhaps a Story.
Okay! It’s been awhile since I tackled a Mary Sue Hetfic, so I figured I’d go on with this one, since the author has updated a bit. I’ve even been acknowledged in her author’s notes. Not this chappy, but later.
Onward, ho!
Wherefore Art Thou Gay, Boromiromeo?
By SugaryLime (gayshaggingcats@yahoo.co.uk)
R
__________
Chapter 4: Author’s Notes and Per a s a story.
SugaryLime: You lads enjoy your pint?
Legolas: He kept trying to hold my hand across the table.
Boromir: Did not!
Legolas: Did so!
SugaryLime: Can we go ahead, please?
Legolas: Yes, sorry.
//
Chapter four
****
Disclaimer: I'm not Tolkien. 'nuff said.
****
//
SugaryLime: You mean JRR himself isn’t writing this? I’ve been duped!
Boromir: I thought the writing style was a bit different.
Legolas: [looking ahead] Wow. Half this chapter is author’s notes.
SugaryLime: They’ve got to be better than the actual story.
Legolas: There’s a story?
//
Thanks to:
AlahanTao: Tao, thanks. You are really uplifting and really know how to make a girl feel good. And, just so you know, I actually think the ratio of boys to girls on this website is pretty even. Just check out all the 'boys' anime. You'll see what I mean. Or the star wars section. (grammar doesn't make a good story, is that coming from you? I don't believe it!)
Teanni: Oh, good advice. I like it. And once you get used to it, Arsarmwen's not all that hard to type.
The Ice Queen: Thank you! I'm still not sure what a Mary Sue is, and why everybody keeps on using it.
Starlight Warrior: Man, stick to your opinion! You changed it three times so far. I appreciate the advice, on any case. And a translation of the elvish is: Bloody Hell. Actually, something along the line of 'gory place of darkness', but you get the idea. *Snerk* I spit out my soda when reading the 'high' daughter of Elrond thing.
Miste: What is your problem? What's a matter with being pretty? You don't say that about models, do you?
Tarilenea: Yes, that was a weird saying. I won't ask. But, good advice!
Laurelasse Goldenleaf: thanks, I plan on a chapter a week!
AnimeWitch02: Sheesh, who are you rooting for? But, thanks for your uplifting comments!
Animouse: Sheesh. Somebody was a tad bit grouchy. Please refrain from swearing in your reviews next time.
Silver Shadow of Silence: Thank you for saying that this is a well writing story. I appreciate that.
Random gurl: If you feel like thaaybeaybe you should get counciling. Wanting to commit suicide is never good.
Mary-sue crusader: Thanks for the observations. I changed them. I appreciate that.
Brit: What's a parody?
Belle of New Orleans: I like your name.
Hellga: I say again, what's a Mary Sue?
Starbrat: *dances around* Yay! I have talent!
Joan Milligan and Clarissa: Sheesh, sorry.
Mary Sue assasin: thanks for saying I have talent!
****
//
Boromir: This author’s a bit stupid, isn’t she?
Legolas: A bit? Don’t underestimate her.
SugaryLime:r fur future reference, a Mary Sue is a girl who realises she’s got no life, so she writes herself one. And in the process, she commits grievous harm to the piece of literature in which she is inserting herself. Thank you.
Legolas: You said ‘inserting.’
SugaryLime: [rolls eyes]
//
Dark. It was Dark.
That was Arsarmwen's first thought as she drifted towards consciousness. It was Dark. And Cold.
//
SugaryLime: Dark is not a proper noun. Nor is cold. Good Lord. Bunking off English class a few too many times can really hurt you in the long run.
//
A splitting pain arched down her shoulder, and she gasped with the sudden feeling in a place where there had once only been numbness.
Her eyes sprang open, and she stared up into the branches of a tree. It was nighttime, and in the corner of her green eyes she could see a flickering light, almost like a fire was burning.
Arsarmwen groaned and slowly sat up, her side and shoulder feeling almost as if they were on fire. She moaned in pain, first at the bruise on her shoulder and then with the ache in her side.
//
Boromir: For an Elf, she sure is a pansy. I thought you lot didn’t feel pain?
Legolas: She’s not a real Elf. She’s a Mary Sue Elf. And we do feel pain, you fuckwit. A sword in the side hurts like a motherfucker, I can imagine.
Boromir: I see. No. No, I don’t.
//
Two hobbits-Merry and Pippin-peered at her. "How are you, Arsarmwen?" Merry asked, grinning one he saw that she was awake. "Boromir carried you all day."
"We're stopped for the night. Again." Pippin finished. "And boy, you must be hungry. You haven't eaten."
//
Boromir: If I had been carrying her, I’d have pitched her over the first available cliff. Stupid girl, mucking up all the male bonding that’s supposed to be going on.
SugaryLime: Male bonding, eh?
Legolas: In other words, Boromir’sble ble attempts to get in everyone’s trousers.
Boromir: Wanker.
Legolas: Not so much. I get my fair share of arse.
Boromir: I’ll bet you do.
Legolas: [readying his bow] That’s it! Say your prayers, Man!
SugaryLime: Not again. Can’t you boys just play nice?
Boromir: Boys? As far as I can see, I’m the only male in this theatre.
Legolas: Fuck you.
SugaryLime: Stop, or I’ll snap and spark Galadriel over here. She’ll keep you in line.
Legolas and Boromir: [trembling] We’ll be good!
SugaryLime: Just as I thought.
//
Arsarmwen gave the hobbit a small smile, trying not to grimace at he pain. "How hurt am I?" She asked wryly, gingerly trying to feel her left shoulder. She couldn't feel any breaks, which was good, but it still hurt.
"Something about a wrongly-located shoulder and bad bruising." Pippin said helpfully, smiling.
Merry elbowed him. "It's dis-located, Pip!" He hissed underneath his breath, then turned and gave Arsarmwen a smile. "Strider put it back, though."
//
SugaryLime: I’m not sure if ‘wryly’ is the proper word to use here.
Legolas: What would you suggest?
SugaryLime: Stupidly. Mary Sue-ishly. Jackassedly. Along those lines.
Boromir: Is that what you reckon the Hobbits find so amusing? They seem to be smiling a lot.
Legolas: That’s just all the pipe weed they smoke.
//
Arsarmwen tried to smile at them again, then she looked over near the fire. She could see the tall, graceful form of Legolas sitting next to the bulkily muscular silhouette of Boromir and the wiry form of Aragorn. Off to the side, she could see Gimli talking avidly to Frodo, with Sam listening in. "How's everybody else?" She asked, hinghing the flames.
//
Legolas: She makes me seem like a girl.
Boromir: [whistling innocently]
Legolas: Piss off.
SugaryLime: I think she means ‘watching the flamers,’ not the flames.
Boromir: Yeah! Oh. That’s not funny.
SugaryLime: I think it is.
Legolas: I’m not completely gay, you know.
SugaryLime: I know. I mean, no? Prove it.
Legolas: As you wish.
Boromir: I don’t need to see this.
SugaryLime: Then don’t look.
BRIEF INTERMISSION AS LEGOLAS PROVES HIMSELF TO BE NOT ONLY NOT COMPLETELY GAY, BUT VERY FLEXIBLE AND TASTY.
Legolas: That do it for you?
SugaryLime: . . .
ANOTHER BRIEF INTERMISSION AS SUGARYLIME DOES HER BEST TO GATHER HER WITS.
Ubiquitous Voice: This shouldn’t take overlong; SugaryLime hasn’t got that many wits to gather.
SugaryLime: Fuck you.
Ubiquitous Voice: Isn’t that what the Elf’s here for?
SugaryLime: Is he ever.
//
"Strider got a cut along his arm, Gimli got a small section of his face- along with his beard-cut. Sam has a bruise on his leg, and a cut on his hand. Boromir broke one of his fingers and got a big cut on his back. Legolas didn't get hurt, but that's because he didn't let anybody get close enough to him." Merry said, mimicking drawing and releasing a bow.
//
Legolas: Damn, I’m the Shizzle.
Boromir: The Shizzle?
Legolas: Oh. Guess I’ve been watching too much MTV.
Boromir: Right. But say that again, and I will be forced to hurt you.
Legolas: Shizzle.
Boromir: I’m warning you, Elf.
Legolas: Shizzle.
Boromir: Argh!
Legolas: Ow! Oh, wait. That’s nice. Mmm, yes. Nice. Hurt me some more!
SugaryLime: AHEM!
Legolas: Oh, alright. Fucking story.
//
Pippin did the same, except he mimicked Boromir or Aragorn with a sword.
"Frodo, Pip, an' I didn't get hurt either, but that's because Frodo hid behind a tree, Pippin hid in a hollow of a tree, and I jumped in the little river and treaded water until th' orcs were killed." Merry proudly finished off.
//
SugaryLime: Then he didn’t do the same, did he?
Boromir: I thought Hobbits weren’t overly fond of swimming.
SugaryLime: I think where Merry and Pip come from, they don’t mind it so much.
Boromir: Ah. Tolkien geek.
SugaryLime: Yes. Yes, I am. Now go lick Legolas or something.
Legolas: Eeep!
//
Arsarmwen nodded her thanks, then crawled over to the group who was sitting near the fire. The fire was warm, and the warmth seemed to abate some of the pain she felt.
The men and elf didn't notice her at first, being as they were in a deep conversation. Boromir seemed to be arguing for himself, and Legolas and Aragorn teaming up together.
Then Boromir, who was facing towards her, nodded at her during a lull in their argument. "How are you doing, Arsarmwen?" He asked, his voice neutral.
Arsarmwen smiled thinly at him. "Alright, I think." She said, equally polite.
//
Boromir: We didn’t notice her because she’s a girl, and we don’t like girls.
SugaryLime: A slasher’s dream come true.
Legolas: I like girls!
SugaryLime: You do? Prove it.
Boromir: [rolls his eyes]
SugaryLime: Fine. Later then?
Legolas: Of course.
SugaryLime: I’ll bring the body chocolate.
Legolas: Oh, do!
//
Aragorn turned so he was facing her. "How is your shoulder?" He asked, his grey eyes kind.
Arsarmwen grimaced at the reminder. "It hurts." She said truthfully. "But I think it'll get better."
Aragorn shook his head. "No." He said frankly. "That shoulder will always be weak. You must work hard not to stress it, or else it will only get worse." He gave her a kind look-he was like an older brother to her, except nicer. He didn't play tricks on her, unlike Elladon and Elrohir.
//
Legolas: Elladon? Is there a triplet I haven’t fucked? I mean, that I don’t know about?
Boromir: Tart.
SugaryLime: Enough, Boromir. Legolas is just. . .popular.
Legolas: Did you know that ‘Elrohir’ means Elf Rider?
SugaryLime: Yeah, but does it mean he rides or gets ridden?
Legolas and Boromir: Both.
Legolas: [scowls at Boromir]
Boromir: [smirks]
//
Arsarmwen made a face. "What should I do to help it get better?" She asked, her green eyes tingeing with gold at the thought of her brother's last trick. They had taken all of her packed clothes the day before Arsarmwen had left, making her search Rivindale with fervor and panic, until Elrohir laughingly admitted that it was in his chambers, and had been all day.
//
Legolas: I still have to make a trip to Rivindale one of these days. Oh, wait. No I don’t. Because it doesn’t exist!
SugaryLime: If you want to get technical, nor does Rivendell. Or Mirkwood, for that matter.
Legolas: Are you saying I’m fictional?
SugaryLime: I wouldn’t dream of it.
//
Aragorn just shook his head. "Don't use that arm for a while, I'd say three weeks." He said. "I'll cut you a sling so you don't use it."
Arsarmwen nodded, then sat back. *Only a few days in, and I'm already a nuisance.* She thought darkly.
****
//
Boromir: Already? I say she’s been a nuisance the entire time.
Legolas: And you would be correct.
SugaryLime: [looks down] What’s this?
//
So, this is the next chapter. Enjoy!
//
SugaryLime: Oh, just a little grammatical incorrectness. Cheers.
Onward, ho!
Wherefore Art Thou Gay, Boromiromeo?
By SugaryLime (gayshaggingcats@yahoo.co.uk)
R
__________
Chapter 4: Author’s Notes and Per a s a story.
SugaryLime: You lads enjoy your pint?
Legolas: He kept trying to hold my hand across the table.
Boromir: Did not!
Legolas: Did so!
SugaryLime: Can we go ahead, please?
Legolas: Yes, sorry.
//
Chapter four
****
Disclaimer: I'm not Tolkien. 'nuff said.
****
//
SugaryLime: You mean JRR himself isn’t writing this? I’ve been duped!
Boromir: I thought the writing style was a bit different.
Legolas: [looking ahead] Wow. Half this chapter is author’s notes.
SugaryLime: They’ve got to be better than the actual story.
Legolas: There’s a story?
//
Thanks to:
AlahanTao: Tao, thanks. You are really uplifting and really know how to make a girl feel good. And, just so you know, I actually think the ratio of boys to girls on this website is pretty even. Just check out all the 'boys' anime. You'll see what I mean. Or the star wars section. (grammar doesn't make a good story, is that coming from you? I don't believe it!)
Teanni: Oh, good advice. I like it. And once you get used to it, Arsarmwen's not all that hard to type.
The Ice Queen: Thank you! I'm still not sure what a Mary Sue is, and why everybody keeps on using it.
Starlight Warrior: Man, stick to your opinion! You changed it three times so far. I appreciate the advice, on any case. And a translation of the elvish is: Bloody Hell. Actually, something along the line of 'gory place of darkness', but you get the idea. *Snerk* I spit out my soda when reading the 'high' daughter of Elrond thing.
Miste: What is your problem? What's a matter with being pretty? You don't say that about models, do you?
Tarilenea: Yes, that was a weird saying. I won't ask. But, good advice!
Laurelasse Goldenleaf: thanks, I plan on a chapter a week!
AnimeWitch02: Sheesh, who are you rooting for? But, thanks for your uplifting comments!
Animouse: Sheesh. Somebody was a tad bit grouchy. Please refrain from swearing in your reviews next time.
Silver Shadow of Silence: Thank you for saying that this is a well writing story. I appreciate that.
Random gurl: If you feel like thaaybeaybe you should get counciling. Wanting to commit suicide is never good.
Mary-sue crusader: Thanks for the observations. I changed them. I appreciate that.
Brit: What's a parody?
Belle of New Orleans: I like your name.
Hellga: I say again, what's a Mary Sue?
Starbrat: *dances around* Yay! I have talent!
Joan Milligan and Clarissa: Sheesh, sorry.
Mary Sue assasin: thanks for saying I have talent!
****
//
Boromir: This author’s a bit stupid, isn’t she?
Legolas: A bit? Don’t underestimate her.
SugaryLime:r fur future reference, a Mary Sue is a girl who realises she’s got no life, so she writes herself one. And in the process, she commits grievous harm to the piece of literature in which she is inserting herself. Thank you.
Legolas: You said ‘inserting.’
SugaryLime: [rolls eyes]
//
Dark. It was Dark.
That was Arsarmwen's first thought as she drifted towards consciousness. It was Dark. And Cold.
//
SugaryLime: Dark is not a proper noun. Nor is cold. Good Lord. Bunking off English class a few too many times can really hurt you in the long run.
//
A splitting pain arched down her shoulder, and she gasped with the sudden feeling in a place where there had once only been numbness.
Her eyes sprang open, and she stared up into the branches of a tree. It was nighttime, and in the corner of her green eyes she could see a flickering light, almost like a fire was burning.
Arsarmwen groaned and slowly sat up, her side and shoulder feeling almost as if they were on fire. She moaned in pain, first at the bruise on her shoulder and then with the ache in her side.
//
Boromir: For an Elf, she sure is a pansy. I thought you lot didn’t feel pain?
Legolas: She’s not a real Elf. She’s a Mary Sue Elf. And we do feel pain, you fuckwit. A sword in the side hurts like a motherfucker, I can imagine.
Boromir: I see. No. No, I don’t.
//
Two hobbits-Merry and Pippin-peered at her. "How are you, Arsarmwen?" Merry asked, grinning one he saw that she was awake. "Boromir carried you all day."
"We're stopped for the night. Again." Pippin finished. "And boy, you must be hungry. You haven't eaten."
//
Boromir: If I had been carrying her, I’d have pitched her over the first available cliff. Stupid girl, mucking up all the male bonding that’s supposed to be going on.
SugaryLime: Male bonding, eh?
Legolas: In other words, Boromir’sble ble attempts to get in everyone’s trousers.
Boromir: Wanker.
Legolas: Not so much. I get my fair share of arse.
Boromir: I’ll bet you do.
Legolas: [readying his bow] That’s it! Say your prayers, Man!
SugaryLime: Not again. Can’t you boys just play nice?
Boromir: Boys? As far as I can see, I’m the only male in this theatre.
Legolas: Fuck you.
SugaryLime: Stop, or I’ll snap and spark Galadriel over here. She’ll keep you in line.
Legolas and Boromir: [trembling] We’ll be good!
SugaryLime: Just as I thought.
//
Arsarmwen gave the hobbit a small smile, trying not to grimace at he pain. "How hurt am I?" She asked wryly, gingerly trying to feel her left shoulder. She couldn't feel any breaks, which was good, but it still hurt.
"Something about a wrongly-located shoulder and bad bruising." Pippin said helpfully, smiling.
Merry elbowed him. "It's dis-located, Pip!" He hissed underneath his breath, then turned and gave Arsarmwen a smile. "Strider put it back, though."
//
SugaryLime: I’m not sure if ‘wryly’ is the proper word to use here.
Legolas: What would you suggest?
SugaryLime: Stupidly. Mary Sue-ishly. Jackassedly. Along those lines.
Boromir: Is that what you reckon the Hobbits find so amusing? They seem to be smiling a lot.
Legolas: That’s just all the pipe weed they smoke.
//
Arsarmwen tried to smile at them again, then she looked over near the fire. She could see the tall, graceful form of Legolas sitting next to the bulkily muscular silhouette of Boromir and the wiry form of Aragorn. Off to the side, she could see Gimli talking avidly to Frodo, with Sam listening in. "How's everybody else?" She asked, hinghing the flames.
//
Legolas: She makes me seem like a girl.
Boromir: [whistling innocently]
Legolas: Piss off.
SugaryLime: I think she means ‘watching the flamers,’ not the flames.
Boromir: Yeah! Oh. That’s not funny.
SugaryLime: I think it is.
Legolas: I’m not completely gay, you know.
SugaryLime: I know. I mean, no? Prove it.
Legolas: As you wish.
Boromir: I don’t need to see this.
SugaryLime: Then don’t look.
BRIEF INTERMISSION AS LEGOLAS PROVES HIMSELF TO BE NOT ONLY NOT COMPLETELY GAY, BUT VERY FLEXIBLE AND TASTY.
Legolas: That do it for you?
SugaryLime: . . .
ANOTHER BRIEF INTERMISSION AS SUGARYLIME DOES HER BEST TO GATHER HER WITS.
Ubiquitous Voice: This shouldn’t take overlong; SugaryLime hasn’t got that many wits to gather.
SugaryLime: Fuck you.
Ubiquitous Voice: Isn’t that what the Elf’s here for?
SugaryLime: Is he ever.
//
"Strider got a cut along his arm, Gimli got a small section of his face- along with his beard-cut. Sam has a bruise on his leg, and a cut on his hand. Boromir broke one of his fingers and got a big cut on his back. Legolas didn't get hurt, but that's because he didn't let anybody get close enough to him." Merry said, mimicking drawing and releasing a bow.
//
Legolas: Damn, I’m the Shizzle.
Boromir: The Shizzle?
Legolas: Oh. Guess I’ve been watching too much MTV.
Boromir: Right. But say that again, and I will be forced to hurt you.
Legolas: Shizzle.
Boromir: I’m warning you, Elf.
Legolas: Shizzle.
Boromir: Argh!
Legolas: Ow! Oh, wait. That’s nice. Mmm, yes. Nice. Hurt me some more!
SugaryLime: AHEM!
Legolas: Oh, alright. Fucking story.
//
Pippin did the same, except he mimicked Boromir or Aragorn with a sword.
"Frodo, Pip, an' I didn't get hurt either, but that's because Frodo hid behind a tree, Pippin hid in a hollow of a tree, and I jumped in the little river and treaded water until th' orcs were killed." Merry proudly finished off.
//
SugaryLime: Then he didn’t do the same, did he?
Boromir: I thought Hobbits weren’t overly fond of swimming.
SugaryLime: I think where Merry and Pip come from, they don’t mind it so much.
Boromir: Ah. Tolkien geek.
SugaryLime: Yes. Yes, I am. Now go lick Legolas or something.
Legolas: Eeep!
//
Arsarmwen nodded her thanks, then crawled over to the group who was sitting near the fire. The fire was warm, and the warmth seemed to abate some of the pain she felt.
The men and elf didn't notice her at first, being as they were in a deep conversation. Boromir seemed to be arguing for himself, and Legolas and Aragorn teaming up together.
Then Boromir, who was facing towards her, nodded at her during a lull in their argument. "How are you doing, Arsarmwen?" He asked, his voice neutral.
Arsarmwen smiled thinly at him. "Alright, I think." She said, equally polite.
//
Boromir: We didn’t notice her because she’s a girl, and we don’t like girls.
SugaryLime: A slasher’s dream come true.
Legolas: I like girls!
SugaryLime: You do? Prove it.
Boromir: [rolls his eyes]
SugaryLime: Fine. Later then?
Legolas: Of course.
SugaryLime: I’ll bring the body chocolate.
Legolas: Oh, do!
//
Aragorn turned so he was facing her. "How is your shoulder?" He asked, his grey eyes kind.
Arsarmwen grimaced at the reminder. "It hurts." She said truthfully. "But I think it'll get better."
Aragorn shook his head. "No." He said frankly. "That shoulder will always be weak. You must work hard not to stress it, or else it will only get worse." He gave her a kind look-he was like an older brother to her, except nicer. He didn't play tricks on her, unlike Elladon and Elrohir.
//
Legolas: Elladon? Is there a triplet I haven’t fucked? I mean, that I don’t know about?
Boromir: Tart.
SugaryLime: Enough, Boromir. Legolas is just. . .popular.
Legolas: Did you know that ‘Elrohir’ means Elf Rider?
SugaryLime: Yeah, but does it mean he rides or gets ridden?
Legolas and Boromir: Both.
Legolas: [scowls at Boromir]
Boromir: [smirks]
//
Arsarmwen made a face. "What should I do to help it get better?" She asked, her green eyes tingeing with gold at the thought of her brother's last trick. They had taken all of her packed clothes the day before Arsarmwen had left, making her search Rivindale with fervor and panic, until Elrohir laughingly admitted that it was in his chambers, and had been all day.
//
Legolas: I still have to make a trip to Rivindale one of these days. Oh, wait. No I don’t. Because it doesn’t exist!
SugaryLime: If you want to get technical, nor does Rivendell. Or Mirkwood, for that matter.
Legolas: Are you saying I’m fictional?
SugaryLime: I wouldn’t dream of it.
//
Aragorn just shook his head. "Don't use that arm for a while, I'd say three weeks." He said. "I'll cut you a sling so you don't use it."
Arsarmwen nodded, then sat back. *Only a few days in, and I'm already a nuisance.* She thought darkly.
****
//
Boromir: Already? I say she’s been a nuisance the entire time.
Legolas: And you would be correct.
SugaryLime: [looks down] What’s this?
//
So, this is the next chapter. Enjoy!
//
SugaryLime: Oh, just a little grammatical incorrectness. Cheers.