Eowyn Sprogs With Legolas

BLISTERGIRL: See Chapter 1 for disclaimers. Basically, this is an MST. You know how it works.

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AN: There's little or no swearing in this chapter. I used up all my swears writing Scarf. Uh, I mean *reading* scarf. Coz I'm BlisterGirl, not that other person.

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ARWEN: I’m getting bored with this. So let’s skip the introduction and get right into it.

EOWYN: Can’t we have a little introduction?

LEGOLAS: Alright. In this chapter the tenses get hot and heavy and forget all notions of propriety or, say, grammar.

++Chapter Four: A dwarf hears a confession

After many years of marriage and four daughters, Arwen gave birth to a son and heir of Gondor's throne.++

ARWEN: Hey! I thought I was just here to support Legolas and Eowyn! And shag Eowyn! I didn’t sign up for graphic birth scenes!

LEGOLAS: Don’t worry, that’s just about the only mention you get. I don’t think the author likes you much.

ARWEN: Thank Elbereth for small mercies.

++There is to be a great celebration in Minas Tirith, and everyone in the kingdom is to come and greet the infant prince.++

EVERYONE: Whee!

EOWYN: Wow, two sentences in and already we’re being flung around like an undersized rentboy in a bathhouse.

ARWEN: But after this long it’s not of much of a thrill any more. I’m just starting to feel sore and annoyed.

EOWYN: Oh? Sore and annoyed, huh?

ARWEN: *rolls eyes* That’s *not* what I meant, Eowyn...

EOWYN: Talk to the hand, baby.

ARWEN: *Licks the hand, slowly and exhibitionistically. Eowyn trembles and Legolas mutters.*

++As widow of the Steward, Eowyn is to take off her mourning clothes++

LEGOLAS: ...in a quaint Rohan tradition known as the Stripping of the Widow. Every woman with a deceased spouse has to run the length of the main street of Minas Tirith nekkid when a new prince is born. If you’ve had two hubbies cark it, you’ve gotta do cartwheels.

++and come be a godmother to the newly named Prince Eldarion. It was not a position Eowyn desire for she felt her jealousy of Arwen surface once more.++

ARWEN: What are you jealous of again?

EOWYN: Oh, I don’t know. Your unwashed warrior husband and five children under the age of ten, I imagine. Oh, please, can’t we trade places? I have a whole palace to myself and get to flit around all day being angsty. Your life sounds *so* much better.

++Eowyn felt the fates were indeed very unkind to her. Her own little boys were buried underneath the ground beside their father. Eowyn could remember their births very clearly.++

LEGOLAS: I’m still trying to repress the memory of having to *read* about them.

++Boromir was her first born.++

EOWYN: Bu-

LEGOLAS: Hmm, maybe-

ARWEN: I think she’s named her sprog after the dead brother-in-law she never met.

EOWYN: Or maybe-

ARWEN: No.

LEGOLAS: Please?

ARWEN: *sighs*

LEGOLAS: Or maybe it’s some time-travel having-sex-with-your-father-in-law thing.

EOWYN: And with one simple space-time continuum coital slip-up I’ve become mother to my own husbands’ brother.

ARWEN: I’m *sure* that’s it.

++He lived for only two months before fever overtook him.++

LEGOLAS: See? That’s one of the side-effects of combining sprogging with time travel. Common domestic illnesses overtake you on the trip back to your own time.

ARWEN: Not even Douglas Adams could make *that* concept intelligible.

EOWYN: Not now that he’s dead, anyways.

EVERYONE: So long and thanks for all the fish, Dougie.

++Not even Eowyn's skillful healing could work on the infant boy. He breathed his last after three days of suffering.
Théoden was her second son.++

LEGOLAS: Now-

ARWEN: No.

LEGOLAS: *pouts*

++He lived past his first birthday but only a month after. He was killed while climbing out of his cradle.++

EOWYN: *Snicker*

++Faramir died a month after Théoden's death. Eowyn's life is full of these tragedies. She had a feeling she would never achieve complete happiness.++

ARWEN: If you look to our left you will see Past Tense, followed swiftly by Present Tense, then a mid-arc swing back to Past. Please keep hands and arms inside the vehicle to avoid attack from GayShaggingCats, who are becoming quite rampant in these parts.

++The day before the ceremony, Eowyn arrived at the Palace of Minas Tirith. She was greeted by Legolas and Gimli.
"A fine day, my lady, and it will be even finer tomorrow." Gimli said in his gruff, but cheerful voice.
"Yes, master dwarf, 'tis a fine day." Eowyn said trying to be light- hearted.
"Your rooms are ready, Eowyn." Legolas said, "They are next to mine."++

LEGOLAS: *Shudder*

ARWEN: Bow-chicka-bow-wow!

EOWYN: Was that *het porn* music?!

ARWEN: I heard one of the boys humming it the other day.

++"Thank you, Legolas." Eowyn said trying to ignore the queasy feeling in her stomach.++

EOWYN: Much like I’m trying to do right now.

++Ever since the kiss a few months back and the meeting at the statue afterwards, Eowyn was uncomfortable around Legolas. She avoided him as much as she could with a degree of success.++

LEGOLAS: Which could be attributed to the fact that you live in Rohan and I live in Mirkwood.

++Legolas seemed to respect that, and that annoyed Eowyn more.++

EOWYN: Oh, because I’momanoman and I can’t decide *what* I want! He kisses me, I run away. He respects my avoiding him, and I’m annoyed.

ARWEN: You’re a sphinx without a secret. *Nod to Oscar Wilde*

LEGOLAS: Or a clue.

*Eowyn launches off her haybale and tackles Legolas. Much rolling around on the barn floor and scattering of hay ensues. By squinting a little, Arwen can imagine that Legolas is a girl. Not a great stretch of the imagination, actually.*

++Legolas was never one to communicate much with words, but Eowyn was used to talkative men. If Eowyn did that to a mortal man, she would hear of it for the men of Rohan and Gondor believe in expressing their feelings through words and ale.++

ARWEN: Whereas elves pent things up, maybe go out and kick the football and get in a fight. Forget millennia of ballads and epic poems: the author has spoken! Legolas was never one to communicate much with words.

LEGOLAS: Yeah, wot she sed.

EOWYN: How does a man express feelings through ale?

ARWEN: I dunno, maybe write “You’ve strung me along for the last time you frigid cow” on a scrap of paper and seal it in the ale bottle, throw it in the ocean and hope it washes up on your shore?

++Gimli could sense the tension between the elf and the woman. He cared deeply for both of them. Legolas was his great friend, and Eowyn was a good woman. He wanted them to be friends again though he has no understanding of what is going on. "Master elf," Gimli said to Legolas when they were alone, "Why are you in first name with the Lady of Ithilium?"++

LEGOLAS: Because I can’t get her surname right. Ithilium, Isosceles...

EOWYN: Ithilien! It’s Ithilien, you dumb author!

++"I have seen much of her, master dwarf." Legolas simple answer was.++

LEGOLAS: I *swear* that time I walked in on you in the bathroom was an accident.

ARWEN: Who are you, Yoda? Legolas simple answer was.

LEGOLAS: That was narration. This hetfic is being narrated by Yoda.

++"Nay my good Legolas, I have seen tension between you two. It is something that I won't stand for."
"I kissed Eowyn a few months back, and we decided to let our relationship cool."++

LEGOLAS: What’s going on? Suddenly Gimli’s taking speech lessons from Shakespeare and I’ve got the vocabulary of a teenager?

++"It is more of her wanting to cool your adore. I have seen the fire of desire in your eyes my friend." Gimli said knowingly.++

EOWYN: Legolas, I request that your adore cools this instant!

LEGOLAS: *as Gimli* He said knowingly! She likes, ah, *fire*, does she? Your wife? Nudge nudge wink wink? Say no more! Say no more! *Nod to Monty Python*

++"I love her, Gimli. That I know for certain." Legolas confessed.
"Does she know you love her?" Gimli asked.
"I called her 'Melamin', but she does not want to go further in our relationship. She is still in mourning for Faramir."
"She and Faramir shared a great love my elven friend. You cannot expect a lady to get over it one year."++

EOWYN: I remember when I first heard of Faramir’s death. It was such a shock that I fell off the chambermaid. Haven’t been able to get into her pants since. I’m still not over it.

++Legolas hung his head low. His love for Eowyn was slowly killing him every day that pass. He wanted desperately to hold Eowyn, kiss her, and make love to her. He wanted her to mother his children. He wanted a mortal life with her.++

LEGOLAS: Bleeeeeeeeghhhh!

EOWYN: Ouuuuuuuuuugp!

LEGOLAS: Gooooop!

EOWYN: Roeeeeeeeeeggh!

ARWEN: Are you two okay?

LEGOLAS & EOWYN: Wadder... pleesh...

*Arwen both gives them water to rinse the icky vomit taste from their mouths*

LEGOLAS: I swear on Faramir’s grave that the phrase ‘He wanted to make love to her’ could not be applied to me at nay time in my thousands-of-years lifetime.

EOWYN: And if it could be, you’d be grateful to be slowly killed by love before I got my vengeful shieldmaiden hands on you.

ARWEN: Speaking of which, there has been a despicable lack of shieldmaiden’s hands on *anyone* this chapter.

EOWYN: I just went vom, surely you can’t expect me to-

ARWEN: Fine, you lay back and rest and *I’ll* take care of it. But you owe me. *Arwen disappears under Eowyn’s skirt*

++"I am afraid I will die before she is finished with her mourning."
"Oh Legolas you must officially declare your love for her. You will feel better if you do. She will know your feelings, and she might even return your feelings. When she is done with her mourning, she will come to you if she returns your feelings."
"You are wise master dwarf. I shouldn't die of a broken heart if I do not the feelings of Eowyn.++

LEGOLAS: Do not *have*? Do not *know*? Share, own, squick? Girls?

ARWEN: Gbbb...

EOWYN: Muhh...

++If she returned my affections without my knowledge, I would have died in vain."
Legolas decided to formally declare his love for Eowyn after the celebrations.++

LEGOLAS: Formally declare his love? This is like a Jane Austen novel. A really substandard one. I demand more balls, coy glances across drawing rooms, men in tight breeches on horseback...

++A/N: Well this is the fourth chapter. We will see Eowyn's answer in chapter 5. Please review.++

LEGOLAS: C’mon, let’s review chapter four!

ARWEN: Mmmbbh guh buh piss off Leggs! Gmmmh...

EOWYN: Oh yeeeeeAHh what she saidddduh...

LEGOLAS: *Rolls eyes, which hit several others and knocks them out of the chalk circle. Legolas collects the eyes he has won and puts them in his pocket.* Dear Author: Two stars. At least you know how to structure a sentence, most of the time. Which really does put you at the head of the class. But still, two stars. Out of ninety.