Finding Love Again

Chapter Four

Elladan stood with Orophin as they awaited the second of the Lorien contingent. This would include among the guard to his grandfather the one Orophin wished to be reunited with. It was not often that they were afforded the luxury of days together, every moment counted as Valar given. With the discharge of his duty once they entered the gates, Haldir would be free for the weeks that the party resided within Imladris. There was a grin that Orophin fought against as he sensed the closeness of his lover. Elladan beside him squeezed his hand lightly. It was a mixture of happiness for his friend and sorrow for himself. He hardly begrudged Orophin his delight, yet it served to not only remind him of his own estrangement, it also robbed him of his confidante for he hardly would draw his friend away from his own comfort to provide for him. Elladan was already more than grateful for the solace already offered, he would not ask for more.

With the regard to rank and protocol, Orophin waited until the formal greetings lapsed into more relaxed address before he stepped forward to greet his brother. Elladan watched the reserved greeting, seeing the underlying deep affection that few would interpret from the clasp of arms and embrace.

Elrohir standing beside his father saw as one who knew how to tame the emotion when surrounded by others. His glance to his brother felt like a knife to his belly. Elladan stood as though wrapped in heartache, his eyes fixed on the brothers with the silver blond hair. Anger flared in Elrohir, the cause of which came from many sides. Anger at Orophin for his companionship of Elladan, Elrohir knew they shared a bed for they had hardly sought to conceal it though few would truly have known. Anger at Elladan for allowing himself to be so deceived. Anger too at himself for not seeing.

Orophin glanced back at the lone dark haired elf. Elladan smiled and nodded, Orophin returned the smile, Haldir’s hand on his shoulder as he too acknowledged the twin. Elladan moved into the shadows of the columns, watching for a moment before he too departed. Orophin would see to the stabling of the horses with his brother, then to the rooms allocated for Haldir. Orophin would bring Haldir to greet him once their own reacquaintance had been sated. Meanwhile Elladan would sit at his window, regard the gardens, read his book and sip slowly on the wine, becoming used to his solitude once more. He would try not to dwell on possibilities or even probabilities, disillusioned by such fantasies. He had once dreamt of holding his brother close in his arms, a momentary look to the bed recalling too many memories of those dreams made real, only for Elrohir to snatch them away. Going back to the reading, other thoughts entered his mind, blood lust replacing any sensual need. At length the book was cast aside when the knock came to the door. Time surely had passed more swiftly than he had noticed, or the brothers had found their time apart too long to be able to cool their ardour in anything other than a quick tumble. Elladan shook his head as he opened the door, ready with a retort that froze on his tongue as the elf stood at the opened door mirrored himself.

“Elrohir?” he questioned, not from lack of recognition, but in shock that his brother would come, Elrohir had not sought his company in either of their chambers since they had parted ways.

“Do you need affirmation of your own brother?” Elrohir jested wryly with a faint smile.

Elladan shook his head. “It has not been that long that I do not remember.” He stepped aside to offer entrance.

Elrohir looked around noting the changes, seeking evidence of the existence of another. Elladan saw but said nothing. At a loss for what to say after so long the looked at each other, the easy communication that had been with them since birth deserting them both. Elladan felt his soul echo in the stillness as he waited for his brother to speak. Elrohir’s heart search for its match in the silence.

“Elladan,” he whispered, taking a tentative step toward his brother. Elladan nodded slowly, aching for the feel of Elrohir’s arms around him.

Elrohir noticeably jumped with the sound of the door creeping wider open behind him, he turned, then hurriedly stepped away as Orophin walked into the room. For a moment there was no movement, not a breath taken. Orophin moved to make his apology, thinking perhaps there would be no need for he and Melpomean to intervene, that the twins had come to realize the truth on their own. However, Elrohir cut him off with his own words, stumbling his own apology as he looked from brother to supposed rival. With only a second fleeting glance to Elladan, he fled the room, leaving Orophin to murmur his apology to the empty space as Elladan made to follow his brother, seeking first leave from his friend.

“Go,” Orophin urged, “go.”

Elladan smiled without any conviction as he ran into the corridor, catching a glimpse as Elrohir turned a corner. When Elladan reached the same curve in the corridor his brother had crossed the courtyard.

“Elrohir,’ he called after him, Elrohir either not hearing or choosing not to.

Standing looking at the swift moving figure, Elladan shook his head before returning to his rooms.

Orophin had moved to the terrace, his thoughts on his own brother, a finger tracing over his lips that had so recently been covered by a passionate kiss. He barely heard the door close, became aware of Elladan as a wave of hopeless sadness. With open arms he beckoned the twin to him and held him tight against his body as Elladan wept. From the vantage of his temporary refuge Elrohir watched the two embrace, his own tears silent until the owner of the room held him also, Melpomean looking at the other grieving twin, at that moment catching Orophin’s eye. It had gone on too long.

“You will speak to your brother,” Melpomean spoke firmly while Elrohir shook his head. It had been planned for later, but circumstances had changed too much for a diplomatic approach and carefully consideration.

“You will speak to your brother,” Orophin spoke echoing Melpomean’s words, stroking Elladan’s dark head, realizing too the chance to negotiate in a climate of calm was in the past. He nodded to Melpomean, indicating the secluded garden below.

Elladan shook his head against Orophin’s shoulder. “To what purpose…he will not remain in the same room as I, he has spoken only a handful of words to me, and he takes another to his bed.”

They had planned, he and Melpomean, to have the twins at as much peace as their situation would allow when they brought them together, to have explained the misunderstandings that existed in both their relationships, planned to be gentle and coaxing. Now they were to bring them together distraught and caught in their own blinkered beliefs.

“You think he beds another?” Orophin asked, needing to be sure of Elladan’s mind.

Elladan looked at him as if he had lost all his senses, wanting to point out the ample evidence to substantiate his position. Orophin hushed him.

“Does not another warm your bed?” he asked tenderly, wanting to prompt Elladan into seeing this in another light.

“Yes…” Elladan hesitated in his answer, “yet…..”

“It is not the same?” Orophin finished with a soft smile.

“It is not Orophin, that you know, it is not the same…….you are not my lover, you are my friend, a guardian of my dreams,” Elladan countered, “you are what keeps me from despair.”

Orophin kissed Elladan chastely. “Thank you,” he replied softly, “and it is an honour to be regarded so, but that is not the common belief Elladan, many believe that I do more that just share your bed in chaste regard for your well being.”

Elladan frowned.

“And so could it not be that Elrohir chooses Melpomean as his comfort and not his lover, despite the gossip that abounds?”

Elladan was silent. “I had not thought on that likelihood……..,” he murmured, “why then the pretense that he entertains another, why push me away if there is no other, if he suffers this separation as I do?’

Orophin cupped Elladan’s face in his hands. “Elladan, you have experienced so much and yet you are still so young, both of you. Elrohir wanted you to be sure, before you committed to him, wanted you to experience life and love with others, so that you would be sure.”

“All of this I know, I have heard it from him, from Ada also. They want me to experience …….but I do not share their need in this…..Orophin, I know where my heart lies, I have known it since the first moment I saw him, he is the one my spirit calls to….the only one…yet he turned away from me, turned me away…….how can I not believe it is he who is unsure?”

“What does your heart say?”

Elladan looked at the two elves who crossed the grass, walking slowly, heads bowed. “I do not know any more,” he murmured, “I do not know any more.”

Elrohir thought back as he walked, Melpomean’s arm around his waist, his head resting on his shoulder. He had chosen a different path to Elladan, seeking out others first in an attempt to purge his longing for Elladan, then to belie those feelings, bury them in a multitude of partners who never measured up to his brother when that had failed. When at last he knew that he would find happiness in Elladan’s arms alone, he had gone to his brother, and been accepted. Rather than be satisfied with that and Elladan’s declarations of love, he had begun to feel that he had taken away Elladan’s chance to be sure, denied him what he had already learnt. What he was only now coming to realize, with Melpomean’s gentle persuasion, was that Elladan had no wish to experience the lusting touches of another, that Orophin was not the lover he thought, but a teacher and guide, that in the time in Lorien they had both gained an understanding of their destinies.

Now he would have to repair the damage done by his misguided actions. There had been so much heartache, so many misunderstandings, and all of it so unnecessary, if only he had let his heart answer instead of his head. If only he had not caused so much pain that Elladan could not open his arms to him again. If only……

Melpomean tightened his arm around the twin. “He loves you Elrohir, Orophin spoke of nothing else but Elladan’s love for you.”

Too soon they stood, the four of them. Elladan in Orophin’s reassuring embrace, Elrohir comforted by Melpomean’s closeness.

In the end it mattered little, the pain, the hurt, the doubt. In the moment they looked into grey eyes that mirrored each other, there was no need for words, no need to explain, to utter the regret. In that moment there was nothing but each other, and what Elrohir sought when he had entered Elladan’s rooms this time remained with him. Orophin kissed Elladan tenderly on the cheek and released his hold on him, pressing him forward. Melpomean ushered Elrohir with a smile.

Elrond nodded slowly, knowingly as he watched from his vantage point higher above the garden. He wished he could have spared them the ache, perhaps he had misjudged Elladan’s steadfastness in his rush to not see the past repeat before him, perhaps if he had offered the same resolve, but that was his past, not theirs, nor was it to be their future.

Elladan rested his head on his brother’s shoulder as he lead him away, nodding gratefully to both Melpomean and Orophin. They would talk later, he and Elrohir, but for now he needed the warmth of his brother’s body beside him, the touch of his hands on his skin, and the feel of him within.