MST: Legolas and Antira

++Then he called for me. The rest of the Fellowship also saw.

Antira: I thought the Fellowship wasn’t there.
Legolas: Well, they were there, and then they weren’t, and now they are again.
Frodo: There isn’t a continuity stick in the world that could beat this author into making sense.

++They all rushed to your side. That is why we surrendered because everyone was dying and because everyone was so worried about you that they would of risked leaving the battle to be with you. So, instead of letting them down, we surrendered. It was all for you Antira. We all love you.” He fini and and kissed her on the cheek.
She dosed off

Antira: I’m dosing again. Maybe I’m trying to kill myself by OVERdosing.
Frodo: (giggle)

++thinking that she was the reason for the surrender.

Legolas: Isn’t that what I just said?
Antira: You know this author. She’s not happy unless she’s repeating herself nineteen times.

++She was the reason that they lost that war. They surrendered for her.

Antira: See?

++But why were they so worried. There was something missing in the story and she was going to find out if it was the last thing that she did.

Legolas: Oh, I know! Pick me!
Antira: It was missing a plot!
Frodo: Logic!
Legolas: Character depmenpment!
Antira: Interesting details!
Frodo: Continuity!
Legolas: Some resemblance to Tolkien’s stories!
Antira: Characters we give a shit about!
Frodo: A time frame!
Antira: Originality!
Legolas: You know, I’m starting to think this doesn’t deserve to be called a story at all.

++days later they arrived at the Golden Hall.

Legolas: Days? We were in fucking MIRKWOOD!
Frodo: Has the author ever seen a map of Middle Earth, or is she just pulling names out of her ass?

++Faramir, Eomer and Eowen

Antira: Still Eowen. I can’t believe she hasn’t picked up a fucking book and figured out how to spell it yet.

++all arrived there before the Fellowship to tend to the army’s wounded. But during that time Antira’s wound was getting infected.

Frodo: Will it never end?
Antira: It’s one stupid fucking crisis to the next.
Legolas: (as narrator) But during that time, Faramir caught the plague.
Frodo: (as narrator) But during that time, Eowyn…or Eowen…got pregnant with Pippin’s love child.
Antira: (as narrator) Thranduil showed up and told Legolas he was really adopted.
Legolas: (as narrator) An Ent appeared from nowhere and said the apocalypse was coming.
Frodo: (as narrator) Beren, in his clever wolf disguise, wandered past and gave away the secret to Busch’s Baked Beans.
Antira: (as narrator) Gandalf revealed that Shadowfax was actually a Horse of a Different Color, and his coat changed color when they were near danger.
Legolas: Ohhh, good one.
Frodo: Gandalf and the Wizard of Oz…nice connection, there.
Antira: Thanks.

++She was getting really sick and Aragorn felt the guilt rise up within himself. Every night he would think about her and her wound that he had caused. The wound that may result in her death.

Antira: If only.

++But then he’d think that she has stared death in the face before and lived. But then again, this is something that he could of prevented from happening. This is something that now, nobody could heal.

Legolas: Why?
Frodo: Because it’s more dramatic that way.

++He felt like it was his fault.

Antira: Naaah. You only aimed the arrow straight at me and let it go. Could have happened to anyone, really.

++He walked through the halls to her bedroom where she lay and rest. Legolas was at her side when he knocked and opened the door. She looked straight into his eyes and saw the guilt that he felt. To her, it looked like he hadn’t had any sleep for days. “Legolas,” She said as Aragorn stood by the door. “Can you leave Aragorn and me for a minute to talk.” Legolas nodded as he left and closed the door. He thought while they talked he would take a little walk around the gardens in the back of the hall.

Frodo: And this is important because…?
Legolas:be Ibe I’ll discover some new danger while I’m there.
Antira: I think she’s just giving us useless information again.

++ “Aragorn, what is wrong, you look like you are sleep deprived, you are walked towards her.

Antira: Okay, maybe it’s just me, but I’m pretty sure that sentence SUCKED ASS!
Legolas: You are walked toward her? What the hell?

++He did not want to tell her about his guilt. He thought that she didn’t know that he had hit her with the arrow.

Frodo: Thanks for the recap, Miss Redundancy.

++“Antira, I have to confess to you. I....I hit you with the arrow. Im truly sorry. But I missed the orc. I didn’t see you!” Aragorn said sitting down on the edge of the bed.

Legolas: I fail to see why I should give a fuck about this at all.
Antira: I have two arrows in me, and I still don’t give a fuck.

++Antira tried to sit up, but when she did, the pain got worse. Aragorn put his hand behind her back to help her. He felt the bandages. He felt how much he missed her.


All: (helpless laughter)
Legolas: He did what?
Antira: Get your hands off my bandages!
Frodo: Your bandages made him remember how he missed you? What kind of memories are attached to bandages?
Legolas: Well, this IS Antira we’re talking about…
Frodo: Maybe ‘bandages’ is code for something else.
Antira: (blush)

++Arwen. He missed her. Just feeling the soft skin of Antira. He wanted to be with Arwen.

Frodo: And just when you thought it was impossible for her to make any LESS sense…
Legolas: I was wondering when we would get back to the sexual innuendo.
Antira: Is Aragorn hitting on me?

++“I already know Aragorn. Legolas told me because he thought that I would be mad with you if I found out some other day.” Antira said silently.

Legolas: Question. How do you say something silently?
Antira: I wish this author would start saying things silently. Maybe the story would be over sooner.

++He looked into her elvin eyes and it was like he hadn’t heard a word that she had said.

Antira: Fucking Aragorn. He never listens.
Frodo: Well, he was very captivated by your bandages.

++He read the words in her eyes.

Antira: What, am I reflecting the teleprompter or something?

++He looked down at the necklace around her neck and for a minute he thought that he saw the necklace that was around his very neck.

Legolas: Then he realized he was taking hallucinogenic drugs.

++Trying to cope with mixed feelings, he didn’t know who his feelings were for. Was it for Arwen? Or was it for Antira?

Frodo: Oh, let’s make it for Antira. That’ll add ANOTHER subplot conflict that we don’t need.
Legolas: You know, this reminds me of a quote from Daria: Sometimes your shallowness is so thorough it’s almost like depth.
Antira: Except this is an attempt at depth that’s just coming across as shallow and demented.
Frodo: DO NOT OVERUSE THE SUBPLOT! THE SUBPLOT IS NOT A TOY!

++He felt someone’s hand brush his that was on the bed. He looked down and saw Antira’s sitting on his.

Legolas: I’m glad she clarified that. I thought it might be the OTHER person in the room.
Antira: I was sitting on his what? Oh, wait, okay, I understand.
Frodo: You do? Then you’re way ahead of me.

++He looked into her deep green eyes that were full of confidence.

Antira: Confidence. For the man who just shot me in the stomach by accident.
Legolas: You’re a little naïve.

++He lowered his head and a dime smile turned into a slight frown.

Frodo: A dime smile? Cheap bastard.
Legolas: Ah, dime smiles. When you just don’t feel like looking like a million bucks.

++She brought his chin up with her hand and said “Don’t feel guilty. It was an accident. And accidents can make somebody forgive.”

Antira: They can?
Frodo: Is the author trying to be philosophical? I don’t think that’s such a good idea.
Legolas: Maybe she should try learning English before she delves into philosophy.
Frodo: Today, class, Philosophy 101 will be taught by a substitute, Miss Imafuckingstupidretard. We request that you be patient with her, as she is not actually FROM this planet.

++Aragorn smiled. “Thank you for understanding My Lady.” He said with his eyes in contact with hers.

Legolas: Okay, that’s it. What IS it with this author and eyes? Everyone is always locking eyes with someone, or making eye contact, or looking deeply into each other’s eyes.
Frodo: They’re very polite.
Antira: I have a dagger that wants to make contact with the author’s eyes.

++Antira smiled. She was happy....but....then again......there was something else that was bothering him she thought.
“Aragorn, do you miss Arwen,” Antira said in elvish. He looked stunned. He looked at her and read her expression.

Antira: What is it with me? Do I have words tattooed on my face? First he read my eyes, now he’s reading my expression…I swear. This story blows.

++It was serious but it also had a hint of concern. “I....how did.....” He shuddered. She took on a more serious look. “I know what you look like when you are around Arwen. You took on that expression when you look in my eyes, when you see the necklace around my neck, when you helped me sit up.....

Antira: You looked horny, Aragorn.
Legolas: I’m starting to wonder if I should have left you two alone.

++yes, I am an elf, but I am not Arwen.” She said again in elvish.

Frodo: You’re an elf? Are we sure about that?
Antira: (snicker)
Legolas: And you’re not Arwen? Are we sure about that, too? Because it would be a very interesting plot twist if you unzipped yourself and revealed you really WERE her. It’d be like that one commercial with the Osbournes.

++“You must understand that we will win this and you will see her again. But remember. I am not her. You need to find the confidence in yourself to pull through until we destroy this ring and we get to go home.” she finished but this time, she said it all in English.

Legolas: Why?
Antira: Because I could.
Frodo: Again with the ‘we’ crap. Why is EVERYONE suddenly saving the world? This is MY turf, people.

++Aragorn just looked at her with a confused and kind look on his face. “You act like you are predicting the future. You act like you know what is in store for us. Then tell me, what is in store for us if you know so much?” Antira looked happy that he once again had a sense of humor.

Frodo: Wait, twas was supposed to be funny?
Legolas: I’m laughing…on the inside. On the outside, I am REALLY fucking bored.
Antira: I think I’d rather watch Gandalf and Saruman get it on than hear any more of this story.
Frodo: Eeeeeewwwww.

++“Well, I see peace, happiness and love.....that is between you and Arwen when you go home, and I see that the ring is no longer in Frodo’s possession. He has destroyed it. He has destroyed it.” Antira finished.

Antira: Am I predicting the future again, or am I having some kind of vision of what’s happening now?
Frodo: At least I finally got some credit.
Legolas: (as Antira/spooky crystal ball reader) I see a woman in a polka dot dress…what’s this? She’s crying…she’s lost someone very dear to her. Oh, no, she’s falling to the bed, clutching her heart!
Antira: Oh, Auntie Em!
Frodo: Wouldn’t it be great if we could just tap our heels together and GET OUT OF THIS FUCKING STORY ALREADY?

++ Legolas walked in after they finished.

Frodo: Again, there is so much to say to that.
Legolas: I KNEW I shouldn’t have left.

++She told him some of the things that they talked about, but the part with Arwen involved, she and Aragorn decided to keep it a secret. And as for her heath, it rose after that so that she was heathier than she was before.

Antira: My heath? I was heathier?
Legolas: Your candy bar level was off the charts.
Frodo: Mmmmm…Heath Bars…

++They finally left the Hall in happiness. And after that day, she and Aragorn became closer than even Frodo and Sam were.

Legolas: Oh, boy. Now we KNOW they’re having sex.
Frodo: Hey! I resemble…I mean, RESENT that remark!
Antira: Yeah, awkward sexual moments usually bring people closer together.

++They now have a great friendship that will last well into the after world.

Frodo: Should we even bother to point out that Aragorn and Antira are supposed to be two different races? Elves go to the Halls of Mandos when they die. And they don’t usually die, since they have eternal organs and everything. Humans go somewhere else…I don’t think it’s ever specified where.
Legolas: I have a sneaking suspicion this author hasn’t read the Silmarillion.
Antira: I have a sneaking suspicion this author hasn’t read a grammar book.

++The day was drawing to an end as they left their campsite.

Legolas: What campsite? We were camped somewhere? I thought we were staying in the Golden Hall.
Frodo: Remember the whole conversation about continuity?
Antira: This author is never going to do anything logical, is she?

++Even thought they knew that it was foolish to leave at that hour, they also knew that itld bld be foolish to stay for the orcs were on their trail and so were the Nazgul. They had to get out of there fast incase the dark lord Sauron decided to put something else of their rear ends too!


All: (laugh until they can’t breathe)
Frodo: This is like British humor. Just say something completely random and trust that it will be funny.
Antira: Except I don’t think this author is trying to be funny.
Legolas: If the entire cast of Monty Python were librarians, their lives might look something like this.
Antira: Librarians?
Legolas: I was trying to think of an occupation where the people are usually very serious.
Frodo: I think the grammar would be better if they were librarians.

++Riding side by side, Legolas and Antira stayed silent. Legolas was worried about her. He didn’t like what she had said that day in the woods. Although his brain couldn’t figure out what she meant, his heart knew it all along.

Frodo: Could your heart share with the rest of the class?

++He didn’t know if they were drifting together, or apart. He didn’t know what to do if she was ever killed or fell ill or ran away because of her feelings like she did in Gondor.

Antira: You should know what to do. I’ve been almost killed several times already.

++They rode on for 20 miles at the horses regular walking pase. Finally, Legolas hung back trying to give Antira a hint that he wanted to talk to her in private. But she didn’t seem to get the message and just kept on riding. He just sat there on his horse that he had stopped. Did she feel guilty for saying all that stuff?

Antira: All WHAT stuff? I don’t remember saying anything.
Legolas: Is it that time of the month again already?
Antira: (glare)

++He had to talk to her and fast. If this was the case, then she was depressed and that could kill a person in a matter of time.

Frodo: You do realize that she’s stealing tidbits she picked up from the comments on Amber’s story, don’t you?
Antira: I don’t even care anymore. I just want to go home.

++“Antira!” Legolas said in a whisper when he caught out to her and the Fellowship. “What?” Antira said sternly as if she was ignoring him. “I need to talk to you. Please stop your horse and come with me.” Legolas said pulling up along side of her. He then looked at her as she tried to speed up.

Legolas: There goes that eye thing again. “He then looked at her.” Where was I looking before?

++They came into a valley that was very long but narrow. She took off trying to get her horse to move faster. But then Legolas took off after her. Was she really going to run away?

Antira: Apparently so.
Frodo: I don’t blame you.
Legolas: Are we having another crisis already?

++Trying to catch up to her before she go to the exit,

Frodo: The exit?
Antira: This way to the great egress.
Legolas: It’s that big, glowing sign at the end of the valley.

++he saw tears run off her face as they rode at high speed. She was almost at the exit and the Fellowship was out of sight when her horse collapsed.

Antira: I seem to have passed my mysterious fainting disease on to my horse.
Legolas: Well, it’s convenient, anyway.

++She went flying onto the ground as Legolas flung himself off his own horse to rush to her aide. She was lying on the ground. Her eyes looked red as she tried to stop crying. He just looked into them

Legolas: See? See the eyes?
Antira: Chill out. We believe you.

++trying to hold back the tears himself. “Why do you try to avoid me? And why were you crying?” Legolas asked as he got down on both knees and helped her sit up. Antira bursted out with tears in her eyes. She couldn’t hold them back any longer. They had to come. “I don’t know. Im very stressed out at the moment and I just wish to be alone. And why do you keep following me where ever I go?” Antira said

Legolas: (laughing and slapping his knee) It is DEFINITELY that time of the month.
Antira: You know, you’re not exactly winning brownie points here.

++while Legolas pulled her close. “Im just scared that......and I don’t want you to......do you know what im saying?” Legolas asked

Frodo: I think I can categorically say…NO!
Legolas: Even I don’t know what I’m saying.

++as she looked at him more calm then she was. “I know what your saying. Your saying that under all this stress you don’t want to leave me alone because your afraid that I will run away from it again as I did last time. Right?” Antira said

Antira: I thought Legolas was the psychic one.
Legolas: Yeah, but you can predict the future.
Frodo: ‘YOUR’ is a sign of possession. ‘YOU’RE’ is the contracted form of ‘YOU ARE.’ This free grammar lesson brought to you by the Get Rid of Retarded Writers charity.

++as she felt herself boil over with mixed feelings. Legolas just sat there and nodded when she got up and she found that Legolas was following her.

Frodo: You just don’t get it, do you, buddy?
Legolas: Apparently not.
Antira: Two words: restraining order.

++“Antira, I just want you to be safe. I know what all this feels like. I know what stress love, ruling and more important stuff can bring. Just trust me. I know that under the certain kind of stress, you will run. And it has already begun inside of you. Lord Denethor’s death, Boromir’s death, the fighting at Helm’s Deep, everything to do with royalty will stress you out. But you must accept that and try and fight it. I will help you do that. Even if no body else knows about it. I will keep you safe.” Legolas finished with sympathy in his eyes. She just looked at him with a disgusted look on her face.

Legolas: What? Why disgust? I’m trying to help.
Antira: Maybe I was disgusted by your lack of coherent thought.
Legolas: (snicker)

++“How could he protect me while I cannot protect myself? It is foolish of him to think that way.” Antira thought to herself. “What could love do for me now. If my destiny is running from this group, then so be it.” she concluded her thoughts

Frodo: Uhhhh…how did we reach this conclusion again?
Antira: I don’t know. I was distracted by my overwhelming angst.
Legolas: Eternal organs.
Frodo and Antira: (stare at Legolas)
Legolas: Sorry. Just trying to lighten the mood.

++when she finally saw the Fellowship that came from behind a big rock. She went and tended to her horse and looked at Legolas as in she was trying to say, “You speak one word of this to anybody and I will hurt you so bad that you will be wanting just to hand over the ring to the orcs and run back to Mirkwood and hide in your bed.”

Legolas: Ah, yes, I know that look well.
Antira: My face speaks volumes, apparently.
Frodo: Could we get the abridged version? I’m really ready for this to be over.

++But of course, she didn’t say that to him because she knew that it would name him feel bad about this relationship. Well, if it was even a relationship anymore!?,

Legolas: !?
Frodo: That is improper punctuation.
Antira: But it sums up the story nicely, don’t you think?
Legolas: An exclamation mark for all the times we had to swear at her stupidity, and a question mark for all the times we were confused. Yes, very effective summary.
Frodo: Is it finished yet?
Antira: Well, there’s no more for now, but I’m sure she’ll be adding more.
Legolas: She hasn’t figured out yet that people only read the story to mock her.
Frodo: Well, at least we get a break. I can’t even be funny anymore. I’m just sickened.
Legolas: I guess we’ll just take five. I’m sure we’ll be back for more.

(Intermission Number Two)