To Finally Belong

Chapter Four – Home Again

Círa was dreaming and in her dream her Uruk was watching her, his eyes glazed with longing. She smiled at him as she turned to run down the path through the blackened tree stumps. The trail led to a small lake, one of the few locations that she had convinced Saruman to spare in his rampant destruction of the nearby forest. This was her favorite place, a small oasis in an otherwise bleak landscape in this changing world. She listened for footsteps on the path behind her. It would be a matter of seconds now before Lurtz caught up with her, knowing that her smile had been an invitation. Her heartbeat increased with anticipation. When he caught her, he would lift her into his arms and carry her the rest of the way to the lake as he always did.

A noise in the distance shook her from her dream and she woke up smiling, only to realize that she was on her own in the dark forest with a legion of elves that hated her. To make it worse, her Uruk was dead. The smile quickly dropped from her face as she rose and prepared herself for another long day.

~~~~~~~~~

When they drew close to Lothlórien, Círa could feel it. It had been two hundred years since she had left this land, but she could feel it in her blood now. The anticipation was washing over her in waves as she began to receive vivid flashbacks from her childhood; images of a happier time when her parents were both alive. She found her heart pounding when Caras Galadhon came into view and she could not suppress the gasp that issued from her lips.

While the others marched on, she stopped and stared for a while, wanting to wait until the dust cleared so that she could once again look upon her golden city in all its splendor. When at last she saw the city clearly before her, she gazed at it in awe for several minutes before having to run to catch up with the others. By that time Haldir had started back after her and they met halfway. He stopped and crossed his arms, obviously annoyed.

“Can you not even follow such simple orders as to walk behind the others?” he asked her as she ran up to him.

“I had to see the city without the clouds of dust,” she explained to him.

He looked her over and realized that she was covered with a heavy layer of the gray dust. She had not complained even once, though it must have been hard to breathe.

“Would you like to clean up before meeting with Lady Galadriel and Lord Celeborn?” he asked, almost kindly.

“I would like that very much,” she told him, gratefully.

“I do not know where you will be staying, so you may use the bathing chamber in my talan before I take you to meet the Lord and Lady,” he told her.

She nodded, not quite able to bring herself to thank him.

He dismissed his soldiers when they got to the city and Haldir led Círa to his talan, high in a mallorn tree. He was growing impatient because she constantly wanted to stop and look at everything along the way.

“You can do that later,” he told her, “the Lord and Lady will be waiting.”

Once in the talan, he showed her where the bathing chamber was and explained that the water was piped in from a hot spring.

“Try not to take all day,” he told her as he left the room. “I will go meet with the Lord and Lady now and when I return, I will expect you to be finished and ready to go.”

Círa said nothing, but began to undress, causing Haldir to quickly turn away again in exasperation. He wondered why she felt the need to undress in front of him. She was wonderful to look at, but when he saw her naked body, he also could not help but picture her joining with an Uruk and that rather destroyed the image that his mind had created. Shaking his head, he left her alone to bathe.

Círa wanted to clean her gown, but she knew that she would not have time to wash it now. She was about to step out onto Haldir’s balcony to shake the garment out, but she remembered what he had said about not being naked in front of the soldiers. Possibly, he would not approve if she were naked in front of the people of the city, either. Finding one of his tunics, she put it on and then stepped out onto the balcony to shake out the dust. As she was finishing up, she noticed an elleth walking by below with a shocked expression on her face. Ignoring her, Círa went inside and had her bath.

~~~~~~~~~

When Haldir returned, Círa was dressed and in the process of combing out her long hair. It had driven the Orcs crazy when she had brushed her hair, but she had insisted, even after a few rather brutal beatings. They had given in at last, knowing that when she wanted to be stubborn, they would not be able to change her mind. They had won most of the other battles, but she had insisted on bathing and caring for her hair. Based on the way Haldir was now tapping his foot, it must also bother him.

Arriving at a massive mallorn tree now, she and Haldir climbed the long winding staircase to arrive at last at the immense flet at the top. Nervously, Círa stayed by Haldir’s side as the Lord and Lady approached. Looking exactly as they did in her memory, she found them as magnificent now as she had as a child. Círa saw Haldir touch his hand to his heart and bow so she did the same, hoping it was appropriate.

Galadriel approached and touched Círa’s hair as Haldir held his breath, hoping that the elleth would not launch an attack. He let out a sigh of relief when the Lady of Light finally stepped back, still intact.

“Círa, you have grown up,” Galadriel said, smiling. “You were just an elfling when I saw you last. I welcome you back to our city and I want you to know that you have friends here. We are your family now.”

Círa looked a bit surprised. The lady was not judging her as Haldir did, but maybe she didn’t know about Lurtz.

“I know about the life you have led,” Galadriel said in answer. “It is amazing that you have even survived the tortures you have endured. Most elves would have died, rather than bear what you have born. Celeborn and I hold no ill will towards you for the life you have led or the choices you have made.” Galadriel glanced meaningfully at Haldir. “I am sure that those that do will come to regard you in the manner that you deserve.”

Haldir held back the temptation to roll his eyes, not wanting to be disrespectful. He would not change his attitude about this elleth who thought it acceptable to give herself to an Uruk. He just wanted to be rid of her so that he didn’t have to dwell on it any longer.

Galadriel watched him for a moment and frowned.

“And Haldir, what do you think should be done with Círa?”

He looked up, surprised. “I do not know, but I think that she needs to be watched. She has helped Saruman and the Orcs and I do not think she is to be completely trusted just yet.” He wouldn’t hide how he felt about her and he told himself that he didn’t care when he saw the hurt look cross Círa’s face. “Though she did kill for us at Helm’s Deep,” he added.

Círa looked sharply at him. Had that been a concession on his part or was he simply twisting the knife in the wound a little deeper? He must know how she felt about killing the Uruk. He was most likely twisting the knife.

“Círa, in what way did you help Saruman?” Celeborn asked.

“I taught the Uruks to use swords, for one thing,” she replied. “I did not know that the army Saruman was building would be used against elves or I would have refused.”

“So you are good with weapons?” the lady asked. Haldir frowned, not liking the direction this conversation was taking.

“Swords and knives,” she stated. “I have never shot a bow.”

Lady Galadriel smiled at them both. “I think that you would be a perfect addition to our Galadhrim. It would also give Haldir the opportunity to watch you, since he feels the need to do so.”

“No!” Haldir almost shouted, before remembering to whom he was speaking. “With all due respect, that would be the worst thing we could do. How am I expected to protect our city while having to watch over her?”

“I am sure you will manage, Haldir, you are most resourceful,” Galadriel assured him. “For now, she will stay with you and you can begin to teach her the bow. When you return to the Northern Fences, she will go with you and stay with you there. It will be good for both of you.”

“Stay with me in my talan? And am I to watch over her every minute?” he asked, having already made plans for his evenings while he was in the city.

“That is your decision. It is you who doubts her sincerity, not I,” Galadriel added. “I expect you to treat her well, Haldir.”

~~~~~~~~~

When Lady Galadriel dismissed them, Haldir spun on his feet to leave the Great Hall, fuming. The elleth followed behind, not knowing what else to do. They went back to his talan without saying a word to each other and once inside, Haldir turned on her and began to pace, circling her like a lion does its prey.

“We are going to have some rules, if you must be here. First, I get the bed. From what I hear, you prefer the floor anyway so that should work out nicely. Second, do not touch anything that belongs to me. If I am not here, which will hopefully be every night, I will get one of my brothers to stay with you. You will obey them and you will obey me.”

“I do not remember Lady Galadriel saying anything about obeying you,” Círa said, arms folded, “though I do distinctly remember her telling you to treat me well.”

He glared at her for a moment longer before spinning away, furious.

“Come with me. You are going to visit one of my brothers,” he said, trying to keep his voice even.

“I hope they are friendlier than you are,” she said, descending the ladder. “In fact, maybe I could stay with one of them instead of you.”

“That would be fine with me,” he said through gritted teeth, “except that Lady Galadriel does not normally change her mind on issues such as this one. Just try to stay out of my way!”

~~~~~~~~~

They came to Rúmil’s talan first, so he would win the questionable prize, Haldir decided. Bringing the elleth inside with him, he was annoyed to see his brother smile at her.

“Hello, Círa. I am sorry I did not get a chance to introduce myself on our walk back from Helm’s Deep, but my brother kept me rather busy,” Rúmil said, eyes friendly.

Círa smiled back at Rúmil. Watching them through narrowed eyes, Haldir said, “Maybe this is not a good idea.”

“What idea is that, Haldir?” Rúmil asked his brother.

“I have somebody that I am supposed to…meet tonight…so I need you to watch Círa. She is not to be out of your sight for even a moment,” Haldir replied.

Rúmil shrugged, looking at the glass of wine in his hand. “That sounds much better than the evening I had planned.”

Dragging his brother up to the bedroom by his tunic, Haldir called over his shoulder to Círa, “Stay there!”

When they were out of hearing distance, he whispered to his brother, “I do not want you touching her. I see that look in your eye, Rúmil.”

“Why am I not allowed to touch her, if she is willing?” he asked, looking over Haldir’s shoulder at the beautiful elleth in the other room.

“She had an Uruk lover,” Haldir replied, watching for Rúmil’s reaction.

“Will he be jealous?” Rúmil asked, straight-faced.

“No! He is dead, but it is just the idea. She is unclean,” Haldir stated what he thought was obvious.

“Haldir…” Rúmil started, frowning.

“No, do not argue with me. Just do not touch her! That is an order.”

Rúmil sighed. “Yes, your lordship.”

The larger elf stormed out of the talan without saying a word to Círa so she turned towards Rúmil instead, “Am I to stay here?”

“Yes, until Haldir is done with whichever elleth he chooses tonight,” Rúmil said, taking a drink of wine.

Círa frowned. “What do you mean? He ruts with more than one elleth?”

Rúmil managed to spew wine everywhere at the blunt question.

“Are you all right?” Círa asked, wondering what was wrong with the elf who was now choking and banging his fist on his chest.

“Oh, my,” Rúmil said, regaining his composure. “You certainly have a way with words.”

“What did I do wrong this time?” she asked, growing upset.

“Nothing, Círa,” Rúmil laughed, wiping wine from his tunic. “It is just that animals rut and elves join together or have a union.”

“What is the difference?” she asked, genuinely confused.

“Well, an animal simply obeys physical impulses. Elves join together for emotional reasons as well as the physical ones.”

She had to think about this for a minute. “So Haldir loves these elleths that he…joins with?”

“No, not really,” Rúmil admitted, pacing while he thought about it. “I see your point. I suppose his is simply rutting, after all.”

“Rúmil, maybe you can explain to me why I am wrong for having an Uruk lover, when we cared about each other, yet Haldir ruts with many different elleths whom he does not love and that is acceptable.”

Rúmil was at a loss for an explanation. “Círa, I think that you will have to ask Haldir about that. In fact, I would like to be present when you do so. Would you like some wine?”

“What is wine?” she asked.

He poured her a glass and asked her to join him, sitting on the pillows.

~~~~~~~~~

Haldir kissed the elleth deeply as he ran his hands over her soft flesh. For some reason, his thoughts strayed to Círa’s much more toned body and he found himself suddenly growing hard.
No! He was with Alfirin, not Círa. He had no desire to be with one who would give herself to an Uruk. Forcing the thought from his mind, he concentrated on running his hands over Alfirin’s long legs. Funny, he had never noticed just how soft she was before. Círa was slim and smooth, but had muscles beneath her skin, not like a male but not like this, either. Alfirin just felt rather…mushy. Speaking of soft, he was quickly losing interest in the elleth. He kissed her again and tried to convince himself to respond to her touch but he was getting nowhere. Against his will, he thought about Círa again and grew hard at once. Deciding that he had better take advantage of the situation, he entered the elleth and began immediately to thrust into her. She wrapped her long legs around him and made annoying little sounds of excitement into his ear, but for Haldir something was missing. Apparently, she did not sense his feelings for she had no problem achieving an orgasm, but it was just not happening for Haldir. Growing frustrated, he finally allowed himself to think about the elleth that would be sharing his talan, picturing her in Alfirin’s place. It was only a matter of seconds before he exploded into the elleth beneath him but fortunately he didn’t call out her name, because he would have been at a loss as to what it was at that moment. When they finished, Alfirin stroked his cheek and smiled at him, asking him to stay for the night. Feeling extremely guilty, he told her that he could not because he had other obligations.

Haldir rose and dressed, kissing the elleth goodbye.

“When will I see you again, Haldir?” she asked. “Will you visit me tomorrow?”

“Alfirin, I do not know,” he told her honestly. “Lady Galadriel has given me a duty that is going to take up much of my time. I am not happy about it, but I was not given a choice, either.”

“Does it have anything to do with the elleth I saw on your balcony, wearing nothing but one of your tunics?” Alfirin asked.

“Wearing only a tunic?” Haldir closed his eyes and groaned. “She will be the death of me.”

“Is she staying with you?” Alfirin asked, running a finger along his jaw.

“Yes, until Lady Galadriel decides otherwise. I hope it will not be long. Rúmil is guarding her now.”

Alfirin kissed him again, clinging a bit, “Try to come and see me soon.”

He nodded and left the talan though he doubted that he would see her again. Whatever they had once had was gone now.

~~~~~~~~~

“I cannot apologize to you enough for the incident with the Lembas bread, Círa,” Rúmil was saying, chagrined. “When we found out that you had not been given anything to eat, everybody felt terrible. The elf that you tried to take the bread from felt particularly bad and said that if he had only understood, that he would have gladly shared with you. Any one of us would have done so.”

“I have always fought for my food,” she told Rúmil, explaining to him a little more about how the Orcs had lived. “They fed me when I was an elfling, but even then they made me take the food from them. They would hold a chunk of meat up over my head and make me jump for it, laughing the whole time. Sometimes it went on for hours until I was too tired to care. I did not argue because I knew that the only reason they were keeping me alive was to provide them with entertainment. When I grew bigger, they started making me fight them for the food. If I wanted to eat, I would have to best somebody at a sword match or with knives. I grew skilled with the weapons very quickly so that stage didn’t last long. After that I simply had to fight for my food like everybody else. Twice, I had to kill for it. If I had not done so, I would have been killed. If they had thought me weak, they would have torn me to shreds.”

Rúmil had listened in silence as the elleth relayed the story as unemotionally as if she were talking about the weather. She wasn’t giving him the information to make him feel sorry for her but was simply explaining why she had attacked the other elf for his food. Rúmil didn’t know how to react when she was done. There was nothing he could say that would not sound as though he was taking pity on her, and that would not be acceptable. Finally, he simply explained as much as he could about elven society to her. She nodded as he spoke, occasionally asking him to explain a word.

When he was done speaking she sat very quietly before saying, “Then what I did was very wrong.”

“You did not know any better, Círa,” Rúmil assured her. “We all understand that.”

“Haldir does not,” she replied.

“Haldir is not the most understanding elf in the realm,” Rúmil agreed.

“I heard that,” Haldir said, entering the talan silently. He took in the sight of the two of them sitting together on the floor sipping wine and he frowned.

“How much of that have you had,” he asked her.

“Only two glasses, why?” she asked.

“You are not accustomed to our wine and you do not know how it will affect you,” he stated, curling his lip. “I do not need a drunken elleth running around my talan, especially one as wild as you.”

She snorted. “This wine is very weak compared to what I normally drink. I have no doubt that if you and I were to have a contest, I could easily hold my own against you.”

Haldir raised an eyebrow. Never one to turn down a challenge, he said, “Maybe we shall see one day, when you are not living in my talan.”

“You are back rather early, Haldir,” Rúmil noted, wishing to intercede. “Did things not go well?”

“I do not wish to talk about it,” Haldir said darkly.

“That reminds me,” Rúmil said, smirking. “Círa has a question for you. Go ahead Círa.”

“No,” she said, sullenly. “He will just get angry with me again.”

“What is the question?” Haldir asked, irritation in his voice.

Mentally preparing herself for his outburst, she went ahead and asked. “Why is it wrong for me to have an Uruk lover when we meant something to each other, yet you rut with many elleths that do not mean anything to you and that is not wrong?”

Haldir’s eyes almost bulged from his head at that. Rúmil was having problems controlling his laughter as he listened to his brother stammering and stuttering a reply.

“Well…because he is an Uruk and they are unclean, for one thing,” he replied.

“But I always made my Uruk bathe before we…” she started.

“Stop!” Haldir said, “I do not want to hear this. Who said my elleths mean nothing to me?”

“So you do have feelings for them? Many of them at the same time?” she asked, truly confused.

“I have some feelings for them,” he told her. “I do not love any of them, but I like them well enough.”

She just shook her head. “I was hoping that you could make me understand this.”

“It is late,” Haldir said, motioning towards the door. “I need to sleep and you need to get up early to start learning the bow.”

As he left, he turned and glared at his brother who was still shaking with mirth.

~~~~~~~~~

When they got to the talan, Círa washed up while Haldir helped himself to a glass of wine. She brushed out her long hair, next, and fixed it into a single braid down her back for the night. When she started to remove her gown, Haldir spoke up.

“No!” he said, from his chair at the table. “One more rule. You do not undress in front of me.”

“Do you expect me to sleep in my gown?” she asked him.

Rolling his eyes, he got up and went into his bedroom where she could hear him rummaging around. Moments later, he returned with an older under tunic that he tossed to her. She felt it and found it very soft as she rubbed it against her cheek. It would do nicely.

“Turn around if my body offends you,” she told him. “I am going to change.”

“Your body does not offend me,” he said, turning his back to her. “It is simply a matter of propriety.”

“I do not know that word,” she said, setting her gown aside.

“Modesty, respectability,” he elaborated.

“Do the elleths that you rut with undress in front of you?” she had to ask.

“I do not rut with elleths,” he said through clenched teeth. “I join with them. On the other hand, I am sure that you rutted with your Uruk, since the Uruk-hai are nothing more than animals.”

“I used to think that we rutted, until Rúmil explained the difference to me,” she admitted, putting on the tunic. It smelled like Haldir and she was not sure she liked that. “Now I understand that what I did was to join with my Uruk and what you do with your elleths is to rut. You just have it backwards.”

She found two pillows on the hard floor and curled up against them. It wasn’t as bad as sleeping on the hard ground, she decided.

Haldir was still standing with his mouth half open and his face red. It was important for him to make her understand that what she had done was wrong, yet he was having terrible problems doing so. Why could she not see it? He closed his mouth when he realized that she was done arguing and was already falling asleep. Going to his bedroom, he tossed and turned on the big comfortable bed and could not sleep as he tried to think of a good comeback for her accusations.

He thought about the elleth sleeping on the hard floor and he decided that he didn’t really need the thick top blanket, since it was a warm night. Grabbing the blanket from his bed, he went into the other room and gave it to her without a word. She took it from him, a suspicious look on her face. Not knowing what to say, she grabbed it and turned away from him, rolling up in a comfortable blanket for the first time in two hundred years.

~To Be Continued~