Sex, Drugs, and Orcish Theatre

Chapter 41

"What the fuck is that?!?!" exclaimed Legolas, briefly sighting a giant wombat in the sky.

"Gandalf," groaned Kalina.

"No, you silly drug-addled slapper. Gandalf is NOT a wombat," said Haldir, tired of dealing with this delusional rump-fed ronyon.

"Well, there certainly appears to be a giant wombat... and... a penguin?" tried Legolas, hesitantly.

"Fucking hell. RIGHT. I'll be back in a minute," said Galadriel, hurrying off behind a tree. "POWER ON-NENYA!!!"

"What the hell?" demanded Haldir, looking around, confused. Aragorn whimpered and grabbed onto Kalina who shook him off angrily.

"GET YOUR WEAPON OUT! BAD SHIT IS GOING DOWN!!" shouted Kalina. "DADDY AND GANDALF ARE FIGHTING AGAIN!!"

"What?!?! But Gandalf and Elrond are friends," said Legolas.

"Yes, they're the best of friends. But that doesn't stop them from getting into really bad arguments that just get way out of control. I've only see it happen once before and it wasn't pretty..."

"Ach!! IT BLINDSES US!! NASSSTY ELVEN LIGHTSES!!!!!" screamed a voice from somewhere nearby but the crier was still obscured. A searing white light suddenly lit up the sky as Galadriel floated up into the air. Trying not to be too obvious, Legolas glanced up her skirt and smirked.

"IT'S THAT THING AGAIN!! AAAAAAAAAH!!!! " Haldir screamed and ran off into the forest away from the voice.

"Haldir!! You fucking moron!!!" screamed Kalina.

"What the fuck?" queried Aragorn, not really caring if anyone answered. He was currently witnessing Galadriel transform into some kind of pterodactyl with wings of steel. Once the evolution was completed the bright light faded and Galadriel flew off to intercept the wombat currently trying to smash up the penguin with a tree.

"Look. It's obvious, right? Three rings? Rings of POWER?" Kalina was convinced Aragorn couldn't be THAT ignorant.

"Oh... so with those rings they can like transform and shit? That makes so much sense!" said Legolas.

"Is that Celeborn hiding under those boulders?" asked Kalina, suddenly noticing a cowering figure briefly illuminated from the flashing madness that ensued from Galadradan's wings flapping. Mecha-Elrond and Gandzilla looked up to heed the squawking wielder of Nenya. Celeborn appeared to be toying with making a break for it.

"Wave to him!" suggested Aragorn. Kalina waved. Celeborn waved back, then continued to huddle as some nasty noises began emanating between the three mechanoid monsters.

"GET OVER HERE!" screamed Aragorn. Looking around worriedly, Celeborn crawled out and ran like a madman across the battlefield to Kalina and company.

"You're alive! Praise Elbereth!! Gandalf said Sauron was behind all this!" gasped Celeborn, out of breath.

"Yes, but I left him tied up and drugged about five hours ago convinced it was all part of some deviant sex game," said Kalina, genuinely glad to see a familiar face in armor to the point where she didn't realize what she was saying. Celeborn raised a
stern eyebrow at her.

"What? I just led him on! It's not like I actually slept with him! Anyway we're free and we rescued your wife," snapped Kalina.

"Oh, well that's okay then. YAY!! Where's Haldir? He's done well!" said Celeborn, pleased.

"Haldir has run off screaming into the forest. Something freaked him out," said Legolas.

"Well go and get him then!!! I need to commend him for rescuing Galadriel!"

"Actually, Kalina was the one who managed to get us out of there," said Legolas.

"Bah. Don't be silly. Haldir is who I sent out on this mission. You were merely support!" snorted Celeborn. Kalina's eyes narrowed and she began to make a guttural feral noise in the back of her throat while starting to bear her teeth. "Don't menace me!! I'm older than you!!" snapped Celeborn.

"That won't dissuade her from hurting you," warned Aragorn.

"What, you really liberated everyone? You?" he said, disbelievingly. "I thought Elrond was just lying, what with him being your father and all. Well. That IS impressive. I think I have a lollipop here somewhere..." Celeborn began searching his pockets. In the background it appeared that Galadradan's preliminary negotiations had failed ahe Mhe Mecha-Elrond had the giant marsupial in a headlock and was brutally doling out repeated smacks to the face.

"WHOO!! GO DADDY" s" screamed Kalina, briefly getting carried away and deciding to ignore Celeborn, still trying to dredge up some candy for his not-actually-related-grandchild.

"Someone should make sure Haldir's okay," said Aragorn. "And no, I'm not going into the woods on my own. It's getting dark and you're the ones with good eyesight," he added quickly.

"Fine. We'll go," sighed Kalina. "Make sure Celeborn doesn't get stepped on," she added as an afterthought.

"So are we actually going to look for Haldir?" asked Legolas, a hopeful spark in his eyes.

"Yes actually and you can get that look off your face because Daddy is just around the corner and remember he's very protective over fam family," said Kalina.

"That's a very valid point," conceded Legolas, hastily abandoning any promiscuous thoughts.

"Want to split up? There shouldn't be anything worse than that rapist hobbity thing we heard earlier that sent Haldir into hiding," said Kalina confidently. "You head off that way," added pointing vaguely off to the left.

"Right. Half an hour or so?"

"Yep." Kalina turned and headed off into the darkening woods. "OI!!! HALDIR! WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?!" she screamed, deciding to abandon any form of subtlety. She stormed through the forest, occasionally kicking at bushes in the hope of 'accidentally' injuring a hiding elf. She wandered on, the sound of fighting quieting. Galadriel appeared to be getting somewhere. It had been over three minutes since she last heard a tree go crashing down or sight a boulder flying overhead. Optimistically, Kalina's mind wandered towards images of Haldir trapped under a tree-trunk, internal organs rupturing and filling him full of blood and miscellaneous toxins.

These pleasant daydreams were intruded upon by the sound of voices only just beyond the realm of recognition. "OI! HALDIR!!"

"Ye-es?" replied Haldir from a distance off. He sounded somewhat neurotic and disturbed but that was normal. Kalina hurried over and found Haldir huddled, looking miserable. It was then that Kalina noticed the ring on his finger.

"YOU CUNT!!! GIVE ME THAT!!" she screamed, lunging at him. From the darkness a pair of arms managed to grasp her around the waist.

"I thought I'd never see you again, beloved!!" gasped Sauron, pulling Kalina to him and smothering her in reverent kisses.

"Oh! Hello... Sauron..." said Kalina hesitantly, looking over his shoulder and glowering at Haldir, then at the ring he was wearing.

"I see that bastard cunt of an elf must have surprised you and tired to you from me and stole your engagement ring," said Sauron, smoothing back Kalina's hair and running a finger over her cheek.

"Yep. That's what happened. I was going out to get some... er... ice and Haldir somehow managed to escape. I'll go round up the others, shall I?" offered Kalina.

"That won't be necessary," replied Sauron, gesturing. In the dim murk Kalina saw the outlines of several dozen orcs.