The Corruption and Degredation of Mary Sue

Chapter 39: The Ponce Finally Gets Lucky

Celebelen opened her eyes shuddering despite the fact that she was wearing clean clothes and wrapped in blankets. Shutting her eyes as she was overwhelmed with a wave of nausea, she made out voices in the distance.

“Well, apparently the elf fucked that mission up totally,” hissed the Nazgûl. “But then that’s what you get for trying to make one of THOSE lot turn evil. Pretentious twats, acting all pure and holier-than-thou…”

“That will be enough,” stated bin Laden. “We will try again with her.”

“Well she’s pitiful enough. You’re welcome to her. All she’s been doing is distracting the troops and stealing their drugs,” snorted Lurtz. His departing footsteps stomped off into the distance(,) accompanied by random orcish grumbling.

“She’s awake,” hissed the Nazgûl, before turning (ensuring his cloak flapped in accordance) and departing.

Giving up on feigning rest, Celebelen opened her eyes and watched as bin Laden walked over, smiling kindly at her. It was the firsgn ogn of actual human warmth she had encountered in week. The question of whether it was genuine or not crossed her mind, but at this point she realised that her loneliness was unbearable.

“Well child. You seem to have recovered,” said bin Laden softly, dropping down to his knees.

“You’re the first pe to to be nice to me since I got here. I thought you hated Americans,” mumbled Celebelen, still feeling somewhat dazed and craving crack.

“It is the collective America that seeks to exert its imperialist doctrine upon the Islamic world that I have issues with,” said the terrorist leader calmly. “But Allah would not allow me to turn my back on one such as you who has endured so much, for he is both great and compassionate.”

Celebelen stared as he espoused his rhetoric, starting to feel confused. So far the only person who seemed to care even remotely about her was a man that cable news networks drilled her into believing to be the source of all of America’s troubles. Yet up close and in person he came across as a polite and kindly old man, despite the fact that Celebelen had witnessed firsthand his ruthlessness when it came to torture. That knowledge seemed to have been shoved to the back of her mind, so glad was she of the interest in her.

“I have things to attend to but I will see to it you are brought food and are allowed to rest.” The cleric started to get to his feet but was interrupted by Celebelen.

“What are you going to do to me?” she asked, showing a brief display of sense.

“Save you,” said Osama, standing and walking off before further questions could be asked.

Slamming her flagon down on the table, Kalina jumped up and let out a victorious yelp as Aragorn struggled to down the rest of his beer. “I win again!!!”


“What’s more impressive is that you’re still standing,” said Elrohir, marvelling at the amount of beer his sister had put away. Elrond, tired of his offspring pestering him about what he was up to in his basement, had come up with the flimsy idea of having his sons go dredge up a keg of beer and make sure it was still drinkable.

Somehow the word had spread and both their sisters had soon joined the twins, the Noldor, Legolas, Haldir and Aragorn in the great hall, all of them keen to help with this beer tasting business. Without much surprise, things had deteriorated into a drinking contest which was a poorly disguised attempt on the part of just about every male at the table to get Kalina drunk (barring Aragorn at this point, seeing as his lovely fiancé was present and getting quite tipsy, which always boded well for the ranger’s more legitimate amorous intentions).

“Huzzah. You’re a drunk. I’m going to bed,” said Haldir, rubbing his eyes. He was feeling much better thanks to Elrond’s skill as a healer. In the day and a half since he had returned the majority of his injuries had healed, and what remained no longer hurt thanks to the vast amounts of painkillers that he had been dosed with. The only drawback was that he was now feeling rather tired and sluggish, and was far drunker than he cared to admit.

His declaration was received with a chorus of goodnights and Kalina muttering about there being more booze for her. Managing to exit the hall with dignity, he slumped against a wall for a minute, then began to stagger back towards his room.

“Oh fuck this. It’s just too fucking far,” he grumbled, nearing Kalina’s room. He glanced at the door, then looked behind him and tried the handle. It turned and the door pushed open. “Excellent,” he muttered to himself. He entered Kalina’s sanctum and shut the door silently behind him. He figured he could easily get away with helping himself to enough of her Shire leaf for a joint or two before he finally headed to sleep. To his delight, he discovered three spliffs rolled and on her bedside table. He kicked off his boots and unceremoniously hopped onto Kalina’s bed. Helping himself to the fattest of the joints, he lit it while fumbling to reach for an ashtray. He was risking enough without getting ash on Kalina’s bed, despite it being unmade and disheveled.

Feeling a little bit cold, he grabbed the furrowed duvet and pulled it up, marveling at how much more comfortable her bed was than his. It was much bigger for one thing, and the pillows just seemed to instantly mould themselves to his head as he rested on them, leisurely taking toke after toke. His mind began to drift as he lay in the comforting warmth. He could just make out the faint scent of Kalina’s hair on the pillow his head rested on.

Despite the obvious fact that if Kalina found him in here his death would be long and excruciating, Haldir felt incredibly at ease in these surroundings. He began to feel besieged by tiredness from the interesting mix of drugs and alcohol he had consumed, and shut his eyes. He placed the half-smoked joint on the ashtray and lay it on the bedside table. “Mmmmm… comfortable…” he mumbled to himself, convinced that he’d pick up the spliff in a minute or two once he’d fended off this sleepiness. However in less than a minute he had slipped into an intoxicated slumber, pulling the duvet over himself so that only the top of his blonde head was exposed in the mass of bedding he had cocooned himself in.


“I think I need to eat something,” groaned Legolas, pushing away his empty flagon and trying to get to his feet. He wobbled slightly, grabbed the table for support and began to sway towards the kitchen. A sly look crossed Maglor’s features before he made some excuse about needing food as well and hurried after the younger prince with suspicious haste.

“Well, Maglor DID always go for blondes,” said Elladan, watching the departing Noldo. Aragorn, sitting beside him with a passed out Arwen on his shoulder, grunted in response. He was not impressed. Before he could find a chance to sneak out with his fiancé and take advantage of her drunken state she had dozed off and was now snoring genteelly on the ranger’s shoulder.

“Damn!! He hijacked my plaything!” protested Kalina,ndinnding rather slurred. She elbowed Glorfindel who was casually trying to look down her shirt as he pretended to yawn and stretch.

“What?” he demanded guiltily.

“Pipe!!” said Kalina maniacally.

“Oh, yeah, sure,” said Glorfindel, quickly fumbling for his pipe. “Now what would you like in it?” he asked indulgently.

“I’ve got my own stash here, thanks all the same,” said Kalina. As drunk as she was, she was still wary about accepting any form of intoxicating substance from either Glorfindel or Maglor.

“Fair enough,” said Glorfindel, sounding slightly let down as he fingered the pouch of shire weed saturated with morning glory essence.

Kalina began to fill the pipe with her own weed, blinking frantically to try and sort out her focus. It didn’t seem to be helping. In fact now there were not only two pipes in front of her, but now some kind of strobe effect seemed to be going on.

Recognising the signs of a drunken sister in distress, Elrohir grabbed the pipe and weed and finished packing it in for Kalina. She smiled sweetly at him as he lit the pipe for her.

“So how much have you drunk tonight?” asked Elrohir as Kalina missed her lips twice before finally managing to connect them with the pipe to inhale.

“I don’t know. Lots?” she hazarded.

“Evidently,” snorted Aragorn, still smouldering with irritation. He tried to shift but Arwen started to mutter in her sleep.

“Just wake her up. She probably won’t kill you,” said Elladan. He leaned over and poked the older of his sisters.

“Nrgle,” responded Arwen, wrapping an arm around Aragorn’s waist and wrapping his cloak around her like a blanket.

“Lightweight,” snorted Kalina, inhaling deeply and starting to wobble slightly in her seat.

“Says you,” snorted Elrohir.

“Oh fuck off.way way I’m going to bed after this,” retorted Kalina, taking one final draw on the pipe before handing it back to Glorfindel.

“Can you give me a hand with your sister?” asked Aragorn as Kalina began to stand up.

“Aragorn, that would require her being able to walk in a straight line,” said Elladan.

“Like you’re any more sober,” snapped Kalina, on her feet and walking as if to compensate for the lurching of a ship.

“Here. I’ll help you with her,” said Glorfindel, smiling at Aragorn.

“No, that’s alright,” said Elladan, quickly getting to his feet and hoisting Arwen off of Aragorn.

“Whuh?” inquired Arwen blearily.

“You fell asleep. Let’s get you to bed,” said Elladan brightly, beckoning for Aragorn to give him a hand with Arwen. Together they managed to half carry and half escort Arwen in the direction of her bedroom.

“You need a hand there?” asked Glorfindel, glancing optimistically at Kalina who was balancing herself with an arm against the wall as she made her slow exit.

“I’m fine,” she replied

“You sure?” Glorfindel’s hopes of scoring with either of Elrond’s daughters swiftly faded as he noticed Elrohir glowering rather fiercely at him. “More beer?” he offered the remaining twin. Pleased that he was now receiving attention, Elrohir softened his glare and smiled.

“Do you really need to ask?” he replied dryly.

Glorfindel smiled and picked up Elrohir’s flagon to refill. After all, it had been a while since he’d spent any quality time with either of Elrond’s boys…

Haldir stirred only slightly when he heard the door bang shut, then began to doze off again until he felt someone slip into bed next to him and wrap their arms around his waist.

“So my slave succeeded in eluding the horny Noldo then,” whispered Kalina, starting to entwine her legs with Haldir’s.

‘Slave? What? OH FUCK!’ Haldir suddenly realised the dire nature of the predicament he found himself in. He froze in fear as Kalina gently traced her sharp fingernails over his abdomen and sank her teeth ever so slightly into his shoulder. ‘Oh shit. She’s going to disembowel me and rip my throat out simultaneously. Still, there are worse deaths than being ripped apart by a hot naked elf…’ Haldir shut his eyes and braced himself for death.

A few moments passed and Haldir’s life hadn’t yet come to a gore-filled end. ‘And now she’s bloody TOYING with me… oh sweet Eru… she isn’t going to disembowel me… SHE’S GOING TO CASTRATE ME WIER BER BARE HANDS!!!’ A paralytic dread swept over Haldir as Kalina’s hands began to undo his trousers. He whimpered slightly, but that just seemed to encourage the wretched female.

Suddenly Haldir came to a revelation amidst the fear that gripped him. Kalina had seemingly started to gently kiss his ear. This meant she probably wasn’t going to kill him. In fact that meant…

‘Oh fuck me. She thinks I’m Legolas. And she’s clearly pissed out of her skull. She’s going to get all turned on and then when she realises I’m not him she’s going to kill me even more horrifically. ‘

And then a truly genius idea came to him (well… genius by Haldir’s standards anyway). Kalina was drunk. With a bit of luck it just might be possible to continue to pose as the Mirkwood prince AND get laid.

“You’re awfully quiet… you awake?” demanded Kalina, starting to get slightly suspicious.

“I was merely waiting for the command of my Mistress,” said Haldir very quickly and quietly in what he hoped was something like Legolas’s voice and accent. It seemed to work.

“Well at least your dalliance with those reprobates Daddy lets hang around hasn’t given you ideas above your position,” crooned Kalina.

“Uhm… how could I bear to live without your commands?” tried Haldir. That remark earned him a playful bite on the back of his neck.

“Seeing as I have you so well trained I’ll leave it up to you to choose how to please me,” said Kalina lazily.

‘Oh thank you Eru, thank you Eru, THANK YOU.’ This was the perfect clause to avoid getting into some kind of position where Kalina would actually see his face and recognise him, thus leading to a gruesome demise. Even better, it was Kalina! Naked! Wanting sex! This was the moment he had yearned for since he first laid eyes on the irritable bitch. “With pleasure,” he replied quickly, before moving further under the duvet and turning to face the naked elf’s body.

Now just one problem remained for Haldir; the question of where to start and what to do to that divine figure stretched out beside him.