Cuil Eden

Cuil Eden
Part: 37/?
Rating: R
Series: Sequel to Anestel and Ethuil'waew
Pairing: Glorfindel/Legolas
Author's website: http://www.loes-valthen.de.vu
Warnings: mpreg, d/s
Disclaimer: All the pretty elves belong to Tolkien, I'm just playing with them and will give them back afterwards.

Betaed, as always, by Calenharn Elflover, the best beta on this side of the Sundering Seas - thanks! :)

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Glorfindel held Legolas tightly, wordlessly trying to comfort him. Only when Legolas had calmed enough so that he once more seemed able to listen to Glorfindel did the warrior speak again.

"You think that it is you, do you not? That fair-haired elf that dies, that is condemned to death by the healer?” Glorfindel sighed and gently pressed his lips to Legolas’ temple. “Hush, be calm... There is no reason to believe that. I told you that you cannot trust the Mirror, and I am certain that there is another meaning to this."

Legolas tried his best to hide the panic that was welling up in him at the mere thought of that vision, but despite his efforts he was still trembling when he forced himself to meet Glorfindel’s eyes. "But the elf I saw... He was clearly of the Royal family, and there is no other elf with this exact same color of hair. I am the only one who inherited my mother’s coloring!"

"Still, it might be a future child of one of your brothers, or a cousin you do not yet know about,” Glorfindel reasoned. “There are many possibilities, Legolas. Do not despair! This is exactly why I have never dared to look into the Mirror myself, for I know how easy it is to come to the wrong conclusion. Yet now that we know of it - even if it is indeed yourself you have seen - we are warned.”

Glorfindel fell silent for a moment, then raised a hand to gently cup Legolas’ cheek. His next words were slow and grave, yet filled with tender emotion. “And did I not promise to protect you?” he whispered, smiling sadly when he thought about how much pain he himself had brought this youth. “I will swear you an oath, Legolas. By the grace of the Valar, I swear that I will protect you. No harm shall come to you while you yet remain in Middle-earth; I will protect you and our children with my own life, until the day that we finally sail West to find peace in the Blessed Realm."

"No!" Legolas exclaimed, taken aback. "No, my Lord, do not swear such an oath... Think of what consequences it might bring! Think of Fëanor’s sons, and what pain an oath brought them!"

“Forgive me,” Glorfindel said, startled by the sudden protest. “I forget how you Sindar view such things. Yet even we Noldor do not lightly swear an oath like that. I know that I have done many things which will not find the Valar’s blessing, and I am sorry for it. But I will keep this promise that I have given you, no matter the cost."

Legolas still looked frightened, but at least he was no longer trembling in Glorfindel’s arms like the leaf he had been named for. And while Glorfindel knew that they were still not done talking about the horrifying last vision, he decided to spare Legolas the anguish it would undoubtably cause for the moment. Instead he chose another one of the visions - a vision that horrified Glorfindel as well, yet he hoped that what he had to say would heal the wound this particular sight must have left on Legolas’ heart.

"When you told me last night that it was all your fault, Legolas, which vision did you mean?" he asked, dreading the answer although he already knew what it must be. Yet he could not take back what he had done; the welts were there on Legolas’ back no matter what he now heard.

Legolas lowered his head, looking down at the small ripples their movements caused. "That first time we met... the Mirror showed me what I could have had," he said tonelessly. "It was all like it had been... only I did not struggle, and you did not... hurt me then. It showed me that I had no right to blame you, because all that pain was my own fault. If I had simply submitted to you there, you would not have hurt me, nor would I have become your... possession. There would have been peace, without my brother suffering because of my mistakes..."

"Ai, pen vell," Glorfindel whispered, anguished. "What have I done to you that you would blame yourself for this? Do you not see what it is that you are doing? You say that it is your fault that you were raped, because you dared to fight your attacker! Do you not see that it is I who was at fault? I wanted you, yes, but I should never have forced you! I should have seduced you with sweet words, like the way you have seen it. I should have given you nothing but pleasure that day!"

Glorfindel bowed his head and closed his eyes.

Now they had come to it - the moment that he should have known was waiting for him all along. This was what he had done to Legolas; this was how deeply he had wounded his fëa.

Yet this moment was nothing like what he had imagined. It was not the reaction that he had secretly feared ever since he heard Legolas admit the truth of his violation to his brother. Legolas did not hate him, or curse him for what he had done; he did not even want to run away from him.

Instead, what Glorfindel was reaping now was far worse than what he had feared. He was nearly trembling with impotent rage, silently cursing the Valar who were seeking to punish him for his misdeeds in this most cruel way - not by hurting him, not by taking Legolas away, but by making Legolas suffer.

Rather than punish him, the Valar hurt Legolas, the innocent youth who had never done wrong in his life, who had only ever wanted to please, so that somebody would finally show him love.

Glorfindel felt as if his heart were breaking. To hear Legolas blame himself for being violated, for being dishonored and humiliated and hurt, when it was he, Glorfindel, who was the monster who had forced the youth and laughed at his pain...

Never in his life had Glorfindel felt such shame.

"Curse the Valar for making you believe such a horrible lie," he said hoarsely. "And curse them for allowing me to return to Middle-earth! Ai, I should have remained in Mandos’ cold halls until the world is made anew!"

"Nay, my lord! Do not say such horrible things! Do not curse the Valar!" Legolas cried, tears glistening on his dark lashes. " They sent you back to do great deeds, and to bring us hope! And you have done so - your presence here has saved countless lives and inspired others."

"Yet my fëa has become a wretched thing, tainted with darkness," Glorfindel whispered in shame. He shivered and drew Legolas closer for a moment, enfolding him tightly in his arms. Then he carefully pushed him off his lap and towards the rim of the pool. He wanted nothing more than to hold Legolas close, but the things he needed to tell him were best told with at least some distance between them, lest Glorfindel succumb to the allure of the slender, wet body, and the sweet oblivion it offered.

He silently waited while Legolas climbed out of the pool, and then followed him. There was a stack of towels by the side of the pool that had been left by a servant, and only when they had both dried themselves did he continue to speak, his voice heavy with guilt.

"Has the Lady not told you that the Mirror shows only that which was, or is, or will be? It does not show what should have been – at least it does not do so normally. That is not in the Lady’s power, nor was it in the power of Melian, who once blessed these woods with her presence in an Age long gone. No, you have been given that vision for a reason, Legolas, and that reason is me. I have never dared to look into the Mirror... and I think that the Valar have finally grown impatient with how I have misused their gift of rebirth.

“That vision was a message for me. The Lady was right, I do indeed believe that both you and Gîl were a reward for my unwavering loyalty to the line of Eärendil. Yet these mortal shores have corrupted me. I was reborn as one without sin, without blemish, and sent to Middle-earth to carry the light of the Blessed Realm to this land. Yet instead of fighting the darkness, of counselling my lord to keep searching for peaceful solutions to the problems between our realms, I let myself be overcome by rage and pain. I bear a heavy guilt, Legolas. I have wronged the Valar, I have wronged my friends... and what pains me most is that I have wronged you.”

Glorfindel fell silent, and then – never once breaking contact with Legolas’ eyes – he fell to his knees in front of him.

"I raped you. What I did was monstrous, and I cannot possibly apologize for it, yet I want you to know that I am truly sorry. How can I ever atone for what I did, for the shame and the dishonor I brought on you? Ai, please forgive me, Legolas...” Glorfindel’s voice broke and he bowed his head, still kneeling in front of the youth.
“No, my Lord – do not kneel!” Legolas said shakily. He raised a trembling hand to touch Gorfindel’s wet locks, feeling insecure as never before. To see the noble head bowed, the proud Elda kneeling before him – this was not right, this was not how it should be! How was he supposed to react to this? What was he supposed to say?

“You should not kneel before me,” he repeated helplessly. “Please!” He remembered Glorfindel in the vision, the glorious warrior who had fearlessly stood against the balrog – how could the reborn hero who was beloved by both the Valar and elves alike humble himself, and in front of him, Legolas? “I am nothing!” he exclaimed, not noticing the pained look that flitted across Glorfindel’s face.

“You did not... It was not...” he then went on, flushed and miserable with shame at the memory. “If it had been rape, I would have died from it – but I did not. It... it is true, you hurt me, but.. it was not that!”

“But it was, Legolas,” Glorfindel said softly. “And it would have killed you – I will never forget the look in your eyes. I realized then what I had become... that in truth I was no better than a creature of the Dark Lord, so lost in the darkness of my pain and rage that I would not only violate an innocent, but take pleasure from that most despicable act - even though it would mean his death!

"Do not try to excuse my actions, Legolas. It was rape, even if I managed to keep you from Mandos. I laughed at you for enjoying it, but you had never known another’s touch until that day! How could you not have felt pleasure when I manipulated your body? The fault is all mine, as is the shame...”

“No!” Legolas whispered, “Please! Do not say that... You are all that I have!” He fell to his knees as well, throwing himself against Glorfindel’s chest as the sobs finally broke out of him, and with them all the fear he had so long tried to suppress. “Please, my Lord!” he begged desperately, “Just promise me that you will not send me away, that is all that I wish for! Just allow me to stay with you and Gîl; there is nothing more that I could ask!”

“Hush, Legolas, do not cry! I have hurt you so much already, I cannot bear to see you in pain over this!” Glorfindel helplessly tried to wipe the tears from Legolas’ face, finally kissing him everywhere he could reach, his cheeks, his eyes, his mouth, to stop those heartbreaking sobs. “I promise, Legolas, I swear it by the grace of the Valar, I will never send you away! I will never try to part you from our children! I... You know who I am, you know how I am. I will not change, I cannot promise you that, but I can promise that what I did by that lake, and again when I found you with Elrond – that that will never happen again! I swear it, Legolas, I swear it to you and the Valar, it will never again be rape between us!”

“That is all that I ever wanted!” Legolas choked out against Glorfindel’s neck, clinging to him as if he still feared his lord would send him away. “Let me stay with you... Punish me, hurt me if you must, but please, please, love me!”

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pen vell - dear one
fëa - soul
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