Sex, Drugs, and Orcish Theatre

Chapter 39

"THE BASTARD!!!" shouted Elrond, violently returning Celeborn to semi-consciousness.

"Where? Why?" he demanded, looking around panicked, propping himself up on his elbows. When he saw there was no actual imminent onslaught he slunk back onto the floor. "Th"That cunting wizard! He turns up here, gives us a bad trip and now the nark has stolen our stash!!!" seethed Elrond. He had finally forgotten what it was that Gandalf had said to upset him so and he liked it that way. He was on a quest to find something alcoholic and therefore needed a hit of opium in order to do so. It was then that he noticed the sizeable brick of Ithilien opiate goodness was missing.

"Bugger!! He's clearly some kind of puritan narcotics agent!! After him!" ordered Celeborn, waving his finger at Elrond, enraged.

"And you're coming with me," said Elrond, grabbing Celeborn and lugging him to his feet.

"No, I'm the Lord of this land. And Galadriel got herself kidnapped. So it's my duty to stay here and rule," protested Celeborn, wriggling in Elrond's grip.

"So far that has consisted of us getting very drunk, very stoned, and leaving the work do be done by underlings. Not that I'm complaining, but they're your drugs too!!!" yelled Elrond.

"Yes but Gandalf is scary!! He's got a big staff and have you seen him when he gets pissed? It's like ahh! Doom!! SCAAARRRY WIZARD MAN AIEEE!!!" Celeborn pantomimed his fear with graphic arm movements, forcing Elrond to release him and back off. "WIZARD DOOOOOOOOM!!!!" he screeched, waving his arms above his head in a stoned attempt to look intimidating.

Elrond decided to try another approach. "Celeborn. You're high right now. You're going to come down soon and you'll need another fix or you'll be in that hideous deep dark insipid depth, and then you'll start to feel really shitty and that's it. The party ends. You'll have to waste time sleeping while your wife is away. We don't want that, do we?" Elrond intoned soothingly.

"NO!!! We can't sleep!! NO SLEEP TILL ISENGARD!! YAAAARGH!!!" Celeborn began to repeatedly shake his head and appear to be playing an invisible musical instrument of some kind. He began making atonal throaty growls to some discordant tune, hair flying everywhere.

"Celeborn! Are you fucking listening to me? Evidently not. Great. You bastard. You've got me talking to myself. Now everyone will think I'm insane and senile. STOP THAT!!!" Elrond's patience gave up and he grabbed a handful of Celeborn's hair.

"OWWWWW!!! You're so MEAN! You're almost as scary as Mithrandir!" wailed Celeborn, Elrond unrelentingly holding onto his hair.

"Do you want the party to continue?!" screamed Elrond. Celeborn nodded gingerly, trying not to get any more of his precious locks ripped out. "THEN LET'S GET THAT MOTHERFUCKING OPIUM!!!!"

"YEAH! GO OPIUM!!!" screamed Celeborn, suddenly enthused by Elrond's words. "Quick!! To my hideout!! We must arm ourselves!!!"

"Yes!!! And then we go to reclaim what is ours! HAH!!" Elrond and Celeborn hurried down from their opium-den flet and scuttled along at high speed to Celeborn's armory.

"Right! Here you go!" said Celeborn, tossing Elrond an elaborate elven breastplate. He caught it with surprisingly un-inhibited reflexes. Old memories came flooding back to him as he held the wrought metal. Flames. The pungent stench of drying blood. The strangely addictive high of open warfare... A sadistic fire began to glint in Elrond's eyes as he began to don the armor.

"Oooh! It's late afternoon!!" said Aragorn excitedly as they approached a fading patch of daylight that heralded the mouth of these nefarious caverns. There was one guard on duty that glared suspiciously at Kalina.

"You DARE look at me?!" Kalina approached the guard who suddenly realized who she was.

"Argh! Forgive me, lady, please!" he screamed, dropping down to his knees.

"No," replied Kalina coldly, clicking her boots twice. She kicked the orc in his chest and quickly pulled her leg back as the guard grasped the bleeding slit of his low-grade leather armor. Kalina heard him collapse on the floor as she spun around and crouched down to pull her dagger out of her boot. The two accompanying orcs had pulled out their crude scimitars and charged at Kalina. Renouncing an opportunity at spouting cheesy dialogue, Kalina jumped up and rammed her dagger almost to the hilt through the eyeball and into the brain of the nearest orc. She then clicked her boots to retract the blades and kicked the other orc in the crotch to buy her time to retrieve her dagger.

"Fuck, it's stuck!" she yelled to nobody in particular.

"NO!!! I WON'T HAVE YOU FUCK THIS UP!!" shouted Haldir, charging at the remaining orc and wrapping his fingers around its throat.

"OI!!!" protested Kalina, engaged in retrieving her dagger. After a few tugs it reappeared with a rather spine-jangling slurping sound. "That's my kill!!" she shouted, sheathing her dagger.

"Shut the fuck up! I just saved your skin you ingrate!!!" screamed Haldir, throttling the orc harder as he got more irritated.

"MY KILL!" roared Kalina, grabbing the orc's left arm and bracing her foot on his hip. She began to try and pull him away from Haldir.

"HEY! CELEBORN SENT ME TO SORT THIS MESS OUT! ME!!!" Haldir grabbed the orc's other arm and began to pull in his direction. The orc began to screech with pain.

"Should we just go?" asked Galadriel. Legolas began to sigh but this turned into a groan as Haldir, less violent but considerably stronger than Kalina, succeeded in ripping the orc's arm out of his shoulder and lunged at Kalina, trying to club her with it. Kalina used the blood-spurting hysterical orc as a body shield and a stream of truly obscene terms in Quenya spewed for from her mouth. She dropped onto her back, still defended by the dying orc as Haldir continued to try and club her with the orc limb. Kalina suddenly shot out a foot and hooked it around the back of Haldir's knee and pulled. He stumbled and fell onto the orc as Kalina rolled out from under it and jumped to her feet, placing an uncompromising boot on the back of Haldir's neck. She pulled out her dagger and opened her mouth to say something that would probably result in a fight to the death.

"Yes!" said Aragorn in reply to Galadriel, acting quickly. He grabbed Kalina around the waist before she could start gloating and bodily pulled her out of the cavern and into daylight.

"LET GO OF ME!!! HE NEEDS TO BE TAUGHT A LESSON!!!" shouted Kalina, struggling against the ranger's arms.

"Pass her here," said Legolas.

"AND I'M NOT SOME KIND OF COMMUNAL NARCOTIC TO BE SHARED!!" Kalina's anger quickly turned to Legolas.

"Yes, yes, of course you aren't," he said quickly, deciding to back off. Kalina was only capable of inflicting bad pain right now. It was best to keep a distance.

"Kalina," said Galadriel quietly, approaching Aragorn from behind. She reached past his shoulder and began to nibble on Kalina's ear.

"What the fuck... oooh.... Mmmm......." Kalina began to make contented noises. Aragorn released her and backed off in case this was only a temporary solution.

"RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Haldir, running out of the cave and waving an orc scimitar around his head. He was charging towards Kalina, eyes lit with ire and vengefulness. Without thinking Legolas stuck out a foot and tripped him up, sending Haldir sprawling face down on the rock-strewn patch of grass they stood on. His head smacked into a rock and he passed out.

"Oh good one, Legolas. Now we'll have to carry him," whinged Aragorn.

"Well you've gone and let them get at it!" Legolas pointed irritably at Galadriel who had pinned Kalina up against a nearby boulder and had the younger elf's legs wrapped around her waist.

"We're never going to get out of here, are we? We're doomed! Sauron's going to come and kill us!!! Elrond is right!! I'm useless!!!! UTTERLY USELESS!!!!" Aragorn dropped to his knees and screamed at the sky, waving his fists furiously.

Legolas looked around him and realized he was the closest thing to sane in this particular group of individuals. This was responsibility. This was exactly what he didn't want. Right now he really felt like skulking off, bursting into tears and having a quiet, inoffensive, uncomplicated wank over some low-grade pornography, then maybe a pint. Really. That was all he wanted. If only the insanity would stop!!! And how was he expected to pry apart two hot lesbians? That was something akin to blasphemy in his books. At the same time, though if he didn't pry the lesbians apart then he'd probably die. Which wouldn't be much fun. Sighing, he crept up behind Galadriel and gingerly tapped her on the shoulder.

"FUCK OFF!"

"Can't you do that later? I mean, I'm fairly certain someone has to have heard Haldir's screams," reasoned Legolas.

"Fine. You're such an asshole. Depriving me of fun." Galadriel pulled away from Kalina and stormed off in a strop.

"Did you kill Haldir?" asked Kalina, only just noticing the unconscious elf.

"No. He's just knocked out. And now we have to carry him," sighed Legolas.

"Just pull him along by his hair. That's what I'd do," said Kalina cheerfully.

"Please don't tempt me," moanegolagolas. "Has Aragorn having one of his angsting panic attacks?"

"Looks like he's at the self-pitying tearful stage. That means he can walk," tried Kalina encouragingly. She walked over to Aragorn and tapped him on the shoulder.

"We're free. Let's go home and get really really fucking drunk. And then play strip poker!" suggested Kalina. Aragorn looked up at her.

"But we've still got to get out of here!" Aragorn looked forlorn and hopeless. Kalina clenched her jaw to prevent herself from kicking him and ordering to stop being so bloody neurotic.

"Look. Haldir doesn't weigh that much and he should come around soon enough. Unless he's brain damaged. So if he doesn't come round in an hour we'll leave him under a tree and let nature take its course." Refusing to listen to protests, Kalina grabbed Aragorn's wrist and hoisted him to his feet. Half-dragging him, she led them to where Galadriel was shouting at Haldir to stop being such a useless fuck and come back to consciousness. By some miracle, it worked and the stricken elf opened his eyes.

"Get up you moron!! You have things to do!!" Galadriel hollered, prodding Haldir with her foot.

"All right, all right. Why does my head hurt?"

"Hangover. Let's go," said Galadriel, grabbing Haldir's collar and leading him off.

"I can't see straight!"

"You were drunk. Very drunk. So drunk you can't remember you got drunk," said Legolas.

"Are you lying?"

"Why would he lie?" snapped Galadriel, still goading Haldir along.

"I feel sick," groaned Haldir.

"Yes. Alcohol poisoning. Come along." Kalina began picking out a path that led towards Lothlorien as the sun began to
sink on the horizon.

"I remember being really angry with you," muttered Haldir accusingly.

"When aren't you," snorted Kalina.

"I also seem to remember a severed arm," Haldir added, starting to glare more.

"Yeah. You went on about that in your sleep," said Legolas, desperate to keep the peace. They really didn't need another dispute. Not until they were at least on the outskirts of the Golden Wood.