The Corruption and Degredation of Mary Sue

Chapter 37: On the Way to Recovery


“Well, you didn’t break his nose,” said Legolas, returning to Kalina’s room after visiting Haldir.

“Alas. I’ll just have to try harder,” replied Kalina without much interest, reading on her bed.

“Well you may want to wait a couple of weeks. He’s been quite badly tortured by the looks of things and his brain is still kind of confused. Elrond seems to be treating him with large amounts of mellow drugs, alcohol, and exotic pornography from the Second Age,” replied Legolas.

“Damn. He’ll regain his will to live in no time,” sighed Kalina. “What kind of exotic pornography are we talking about?” her attention diverted. “Not the one Glorfindel posed for?”

“There’s a history book with Glorfindel porn in it?” The idea seemed to appeal too much to Legolas for Kalina’s liking.

“There’s also a volume somewhere which has some interesting pictures of your parents in it. I must say, you have a very flexible mother…” It was a lie but it seemed to work.

“EW! NO!! NEVER! NOT MY MOTHER!” cried out Legolas, horrified at the thought. Kalina cackled nastily. “Who makes this sort of thing?” he demanded.

“They’re anonymous and mysteriously appeared in the library over time. I have my suspicions that Erestor is in some way responsible,” said Kalina darkly, remembering the game of hide and seek she had been playing with her brothers back when she was thirteen that resulted in the discovery of Erestor’s massive porn stash. That had been a rather disturbing experience.

Before any more could be said on the matter, there was a cautious knocking on Kalina’s door.

“Yes?” shouted Kalina. The door opened a crack.

“It’s me,” said Arwen.

“You CAN come in, you know,” said Kalina. Her sister carefully opened the door, hesitated then stepped into the room and winced, expecting something nasty to happen.

“Sorry. It’s become a reflex,” she said apologetically as nothing happened other than Kalina staring at her with one condescending eyebrow raised. “Ada wants you to go bring Haldir something to eat. He’s gone down to the basement again and when he tried to get Uncle Glorfy and Maglor to help him they somehow vanished.”

“Why am I not surprised,” muttered Legolas, his blissful memories from the night before ever so slightly marred by the Noldor’s collective lack of eyebrows.

“And you can’t do it because…” hinted Kalina.

“I’m busy. Aragorn is giving me a few pointers on using a sword,” said Arwen shyly.

“It’s probably just a ploy to get away with fondling you,” said Legolas absently. Arwen glared at him.

“Aragorn would do no such thing! He’s a gentleman!” she snapped. Kalina found her mouth involuntarily opening to enlighten her sister then realised that this would probably result in some kind of mild bloodshed, most likely targeted at Legolas
who was only just starting to recover from his night of hot gay Noldor loving.

“Of course he wouldn’t. Legolas is just sulking because you’ve got better hair than him,” said Kalina.

“SHE DOES NOT!!” shouted Legolas. Kalina groaned and kicked herself for forgetting how damned vain the elf was about his hair.

“Now would probably be good for you to go meet your human,” said Kalina, hastily shoving her sister towards the door. “Legolas! Don’t shout at my relatives or I’ll be honour bound to hurt you in the bad way!” she added before Arwen could open her mouth to complain about Kalina taking sides.

“You forced me into it,” muttered Legolas, crossing his arms and trying to look menacing. It failed miserably.

“Don’t antagonise her! I’m enjoying this tentative truce. I can get away with more,” hissed Kalina. “Now are you coming to feed that gaylord or not?”

“Yes Mistress,” sighed Legolas, realising that trying to intimidate Kalina into taking back those nasty remarks about his hair was highly unlikely. He followed Kalina meekly to the kitchen and found a tray as Kalina found a chunk of bread and some chicken broth for the injured elf.

“You don’t really think that Arwen has prettier hair than me, do you?” asked Legolas, nervously playing with a strand of his own locks.

“No, buffoon, I was lying and it was the first thing that came into my head,” replied Kalina, already exasperated.

“So on some SUBCONSCIOUS level you think Arwen has prettier hair than me?!”

“Legolas… shut the fuck up before I bitch-slap you upside that pretty head of yours,” warned Kalina irritably. “You’re starting to sound as insecure as the bloody ranger except without his mad conspiracy theories.”

Sighing, Legolas opened the door to Haldir’s room.

“Haven’t I suffered enough?” groaned Haldir, opening his eyes to the sight of Kalina entering.

“I was intending on being civil. There’s not much fun to be had tormenting you in this fragile self. It’s sort of like kicking you repeatedly in the head when you’ve passed out drunk, which really isn’t at all satisfying,” replied Kalina coldly, delivering the tray of soup to the table beside Haldir’s bed.

“Well that explains the recent spate of exceptionally shitty hangovers I’ve been having,” mumbled Haldir.

“No, that only happened once,” said Legolas.

“Morgoth’s pulsating rectum, they really did fuck you up badly,” said Kalina, getting a closer look at the elf. “No wonder you went down that easily when I whomped you.”

“Damn right! If I hadn’t been brutalised in advance I would have had you thrashed,” said Haldir smugly. Kalina rolled her eyes.

“Yes. Of course you would,” said Legolas dryly, sitting down on the edge of the bed.

“I feel I should apologise for coming close to breaking your nose, but both of us know that’s not going to happen. So here.” Kalina reached into her pocket and threw a joint at Haldir’s head. It bounced into his lap.

“How kind of you,” he said, trying not to let the glee he was feeling come through. At last! Kalina was succumbing to his godlike charms and slowly becoming civil towards him. “Now I expect you’ll lovingly spoon feed me my soup in accordance with traditional female elf bedside manner?” he asked hopefully.

“Don’t make me pour salt over your scabs,” warned Kalina. Haldir sighed. Teaching Kalina her place was still going to take a while. Muttering under his breath he grabbed his tray and tore off a piece of bread.

“You can’t even pretend to be civil when I’m lying here half dead and in agony?” protested Haldir.

“That’s likely seeing as I’m starting to feel more than a little giddy from breathing the air in here,” said Legolas pointedly.

“I hate you both,” mumbled Haldir, his mouth full of bread.

“Well it’s good to know some things never change. Anyway what the fuck did they do to you to drive you further into the depths of lunacy?” asked Kalina, moving to sit beside Legolas. Haldir stopped eating and paled slightly, convulsing a little as he remembered that horrendous experience.

“It was that human bitch! She’s in league with them and is being used as some kind of torture implement!!”

“Damn. We should have finished her off when we got the chance,” said Kalina regretfully.

“It was hideous. She performed some sort of ritual that I think is unique to these ‘cheerleader’ things. It involved screeching strange and vile nonsense with a lethally false smile and waving the scalps of fallen orcs in my face. It was worse than
ANY of the physical torture I endured. And that’s saying something! They had this horrible thing where they pull back your eyelids with hooks and lacerate you with all these tiny cuts and pour chilli sauce on the wounds!”

“Wow. That’s pretty brutal. How come I never thought of that?” protested Kalina.

“Because I’d like to think you have at least the vaguest sense of decency but then again I’m probably deluding myself,” said Haldir.

“It’s that very lack of decency end endears her to me,” said Legolas, kissing Kalina on the cheek.

“Aw. You’re such a well-trained slave,” said Kalina, genuinely flattered and returning the kiss.

“Thank you, I’m trying to RECOVER here, I don’t need any more nausea than I’ve already been dealt,” yelled Haldir, throwing a piece of crust at Kalina.

“So you’re citing bulimia as the reason I have on more than one occasion caught you perving over us?” demanded Legolas.

“No, no, it’s when you’re acting all sickening and clingy. It disgusts me. Severely. STOP IT! STOP IT NOW!” Haldir started flailing his arms indignantly as the two put on a formidable performance of acting like a lovesick couple. “I’VE HAD ENOUGH
MENTAL TORMENT!!” he finally screamed.
“Oh shut up and eat your food.” Kalina pushed Legolas off her and pulled out her own pipe and started pack it full of a hefty load of weed. Kalina looked around her. It wasn’t that big a room really. Maybe if they hot-boxed the room, the smoke would mellow Haldir out. Plus his afternoon with her father and the Noldor had already gotten a head start in turning Haldir’s room into a seedy drug lounge.

As his daughter went about getting herself and her friends stoned, Elrond worked through the afternoon and late into the evening over a specially constructed forge. An intense and slightly manic gleam lingered in his eye throughout his handiwork. His eagerness for completion was only slowed by the need to ensure every aspect of this contraption he designed was flawless. If he was going to play with it, he wasn’t about to put his eyebrows at risk as a result of sloppy workmanship.