Sex, Drugs, and Orcish Theatre

Chapter 38


"And what exactly will this diversion consist of?" asked Legolas.

"You'll find out soon enough. Roll for me. Shire weed goodness is required, then I'll make a break for it," said Kalina. "And sit on the floor where you belong!" she hissed additionally as Legolas instinctively sat down on the bed next to her. A minute later, Sauron walked into the room, carrying a dead rose. Ignoring Legolas's presence, he stalked over to Kalina and gave her the flower.

"It's dead dear," said Kalina, looking at the flower suspiciously. Nobody gave her flowers. She wasn't really a floral person.

"Does that make a difference?" asked Sauron, legitimately puzzled.


"Probably not, now that I think about it," mused Kalina. "Underling. Finish that spliff then leave! I wish to be alone with my... er... evil overlord..." tried Kalina, not really sure what title to use. Legolas nodded demurely, finishing his work and leaving swiftly.

"Before we do anything else, there's something I need to do and say," said Sauron.

"Uh-huh... And that is?" asked Kalina suspiciously and watched in morbid horror as Sauron dropped down to one knee and produced a small box that could only possibly house jewelry. He opened it proffered it to Kalina, smiling sappily.

"Fucking Melkor on speed! How big is that ruby?!" demanded Kalina, looking in awe at the tasteful yet large stone set alone in mithril.

"My underlings delved it out of long forgotten mines abandoned for ages by those blasted bearded midgets. My dearest Kalina, most beautiful and vindictive of all women I have met, will you do me the honor of marrying me?" asked Sauron, his eyes getting misty.

"Uhm..." said Kalina absolutely terrified. Who the fuck got married at thirty-six? Well, discounting humans. And hobbits. But worse still was the prospect of his wrath at rejection. "Sure?" she hazarded. Sauron barely waited till the word was finished before grasping Kalina's hand and slipping the ring on. "Hang on a second... does this have any odd and horrific properties? I know better than to trust you with jewelry, no offense dearest," she said quickly, remembering rings and Sauron were not a good combination.

"Nothing too special. I can use it to find you should you ever get stolen from me as long as it's on your finger, and that's about it. Now," began Sauron, straightening up and not heeding Kalina's grimace at the prospect of a MAN knowing her whereabouts at all time.

"How touchingly obsessive," remarked Kalina, cynicism clinging to her every syllable. Sauron was clearly oblivious to it.

"Isn't it just? It represents our dark and unholy passions for one another," he said, sighing sappily.

'Okay. Fuck this. Need to leave now. He's going to recite poetry soon and I might try to kill him and he might realize it. Hmmm...'

"Cease your drivel. You've been apart from me for too long and therefore I'm going to make sure you can't get away from me," said Kalina, for once faking her commanding bitchiness. Hoping her malign grin didn't appear too brittle, she shoved Sauron onto the bed and dropped down, acquiring a set of chains and shackles that had seemingly been designed for this particular piece of bedroom furniture.

"I am yours to command," said Sauron, blissfully relaxing as Kalina busied herself securing him to the furnishings.

"Good. Right. This may sound weird but I know you trust me," said Kalina, grabbing a black satin scarf from the remaining pile of clothes and using it to blindfold Sauron. "This will feel odd but you won't regret the side-effects," Kalina said, backing off.

"What are you doing?" asked Sauron, more curious than worried.

"Impatient, aren't you," she replied tauntingly. She picked up the bags Galadriel and her had crammed stuff into and grabbed one of them, finding her blow-gun case. She picked out a dart with the same poison she had shot Haldir up with and returned to the bedside. "Right. You feel pain and pleasure and so forth, therefore I'm assuming you're able enjoy the heady effects of abusing substances?" inquired Kalina.

"Yes..." said Sauron, starting to sound a little nervous. He squirmed around, wondering why she'd chained him up fully clothed and blindfolded him.

"Good. Once I give you this, you'll pass out for a bit. When you come through, I'm going to leave you blindfolded for a bit. The sensory deprivation will help. Trust me." Kalina was adept in the ways of lying convincingly. It was a necessity, considering her lifestyle.

"Do it," agreed Sauron, willing to go along with anything Kalina seemed to know so much about. He felt a sudden sharp piercing sensation on the skin on his neck, then the pain was gone. He felt lighter and blissful hatehatever Kalina had inflicted into his system began to take hold.

"Now... just relax and let the cold darkness overtake you," babbled Kalina in a soothing voice as she quickly hid the knockout dart she had just stabbed Sauron with in order to prevent leaving behind any evidence. She quietly edged away as Sauron slipped into a near-comatose state, smiling. "Hah. Teach YOU to start spewing sappy drivel my way," snorted Kalina, wrenching the ring he had given her off her finger and dropping it into the pocket where she stashed the dart. She grabbed her luggage and quietly exited.

"Right. Let's go," said Kalina to Legolas. He had been waiting nervously by the door.

"What did you do?" he asked as Kalina led the way out.

"Stabbed him with the same type of dart that I shot Haldir with. Claimed it was all part of some kinky sex game. And pretend you're afraid of me! We're not out alive yet!" hissed Kalina as they hurried towards the prison. A few orcs glanced up, recognized Kalina and quickly hurried on, not wanting to bring about the wrath of one so close to their master.

"Cunning. How long will he be unconscious?"

"Fucked if I know. He said he responds to narcotics and whatnot in this form so he'll be out for a while at least unless he's got some kind of insane metabolism, but then again he might so you shut up and somehow gag or kill Haldir if he gives me hassle," commanded Kalina as they approached the prison. Kalina, wearing a newly acquired unstained purple cloak much like her last one, pushed back the hood and set her eyes in their most imperious and domineering focus. She approached the two orc guards on duty.

"You. Filth! My beloved has commanded me to bring these wretched prisoners to see the sky one last time. It's essential for... uh... ensuring their appearance is at its best. HEED ME AT ONCE!" Theatrical rage burned in Kalina's eyes as the orcs quickly began jabbering their willingness to comply. They quickly released the prisoners. "Now... show us to the exit!"

"But... we are meant to stay here, my lady..." stammered one of the orcs.

"Yes, well, if your Master wasn't so damned busy do you think I'd be here? These are extraordinary circumstances!"
shouted Kalina

"Besides, we're out of our cells now," said Haldir, starting to get skittish at the prospect of freedom.

"SILENCE PRISONER!!!!" shouted Kalina as Legolas elbowed the errant blonde.

"Don't blow her fucking cover," he hissed.

"What cover? You don't actually believe the likes of her is going to rescue us?" retorted Haldir, although speaking quietly as Kalina continued to glare at him, then returned to intimidating the orcs.

"Well? Are you going to lead us out of here or will I have to remove your eyeballs with THIS!" Kalina grabbed the dart from within her pocket. It wasn't much of a threat but the orcs were terrified of her as it was.

"ARGH! OKAY! We'll show you!!" squawked the smaller of the two. "This way!!" he urged, grabbing his fellow and trying to get out of this unbearable situation as soon as possible.

Before following the others out, Haldir noticed something fall from Kalina's pocket. He quickly stooped and picked it up and saw it was a particularly expensive looking ring. Well, if she couldn't look after her jewelry, the spoilt little wench didn't deserve it. With that justification, Haldir slipped the ring on his finger and followed the others out.